einprotagonist

[einprotagonist]

How did this happen?

I don’t know if someone can relate... But was it ever like you had the answers to everyone's problems? Everyone looked up to you and maybe some still do? And you were a determined person who wanted to do things the right way, earn with a cause and passion?

This was me, I was this person. Yet here I am, so weak. Weak, careless about myself, no determination, no motivation and no results. I don't know where and when I lost all of this, I always knew what to do and how to be. But now this is me, passing my days into oblivion without a proper job, without being able to do what I wanted in life and without anyone by my side.

This is just pathetic. How did this happen? When the fuck did it all start to go down? Who am I good for if I am not earning anything? Is that all this has always been about?

[einprotagonist]

No More

I guess time really makes you learn, be it by getting used to the new things and situations in your life or by actually experiencing what you never thought was possible.

Continuing from what I wrote in a previous post, I no longer have troubles seeing a future without her. I don’t know whether this was helped by the presence of new friends or just because of the fact that I saw what I needed to see to realize that I am the one who was stuck in a problem created by me. The morning of Diwali 2024 made me realize a lot of these things and the following week was probably the last time I let go of the last few threads I was holding on to.

This is it. No more will that feeling ever hold me back or feel bad about my life.

[einprotagonist]

Charlie is not just a pet dog ❣️

I still remember it, TedTheStoner put up a story on Instagram for adoption of a street dog which was being taken care by a couple of friends. I always wanted to have a dog, I always loved to be around them but the social norm is to shop for a foreign breed while overlooking the lovely ones born around us.

It was December of 2020, world was struggling from the aftermath of a pandemic and I'd left my job at the end of August because it involved extensive travelling while not paying enough for my required monthly expenses. I was evaluating life and trying to see what strikes a better balance. Everything was just up in the air at home too - too frantic, too disturbed, everyone of us too distanced from each other.

Sister hating our dad because she doesn't understand what he does for the family or her and with no clear future image of herself or her career. Mother hating father because there is no love and he cannot provide for some of the luxuries of which she thought she should have at this point in life after serving the home and family for years. Father not being able to find love in anyone at home, feeling like that he has been working 25 years of his life - constantly going to work without sick leaves or holidays to bring bread & shelter for us only to hear that its not good enough, only to see that nobody meets him when he comes back home. He came home every evening, mom would give him sweets and water, she'll go to kitchen to prepare food and he would bath & wash his own clothes then spent hours on phone talking to work related people, had dinner, me or sister would gently massage his legs as he fell asleep. Everyday. Same problems for all of them. Going on since years.

I'd come back home and started living with them since April, I was away for a long long time from all of them - for studies and then for my first job, more than 7 years. Covid forced us to live together, I got to see how hollow my once beloved home now felt and had become same for others. Only that they'd seen the same thing everyday so were probably used to the slow process day by day. But it came to me as a semi-shock. I wanted to do something that would bring everyone together, bring love back into the family. I had no idea what to do. I was jobless and unable to solve the financial stresses which became the root cause of most of problems. I felt as if everybody had lost the meaning of life and is just a stuck in a robotic time loop doing same chores everyday without a hope, a goal or a destination.

That's when I saw this story on instagram, I contacted the guy and we arranged for me to see the puppy named 'Dadu' next day. This little one was estranged from his litter and parents. On my visit to meet Dadu, he seemed very docile, shy and silent. Sitting quietly on the small rug in the space provided to him, side-glancing me. He was so cute, I talked to the person and he enquired about me & family. His concern was that people abandon the dogs after a couple of days - once they are done playing and the real work & life with pet hits them. Perhaps I felt genuine enough to him and then he allowed me to take Dadu home with me, gave me his leash and some treats to get started while I get my own supplies.

Reached home, mom and sister extremely excited while dad was still in office. Mom and sister both love dogs as much as I did, they were very happy and playing, they too always wanted to have one as a pet. Dad returned home from office in evening and saw him in a corner of the house we were then living in. Before I could say anything, mom told him that the dog will stay for few days as its my friend's who is out of town for some work. I named him 'Budhdhu' (meaning dumbo but in a cute manner) as it is a name which has old family heritage attached to it from our village - dad's family named their male cows by this name back in the days of his childhood. My purpose was to make my father see him with a soft corner immediately. He smiled and petted him and moved on to his chores.

Two days later my dad had got the idea that the pup was here to stay and he did not like this, it was unhygienic and his hair would fall everywhere spreading the pathogens that he brings from outside and rubs onto his own body and he licks himself and licks other stuff then. Massive fights and arguments broke out in home, everyone versus dad. He said he'd leave Budhdhu on roof and wont be allowed to sleep in the home because thats what dogs are for, to guard us from outside our rooms. I could not accept it, I gave up. That little innocent being was meant to be loved and I could not let him sleep there in freezing cold temperatures of Lucknow which can drop down to 2-4 Celsius. I decided to pick him up and take him back to the guy whom I got him from. I cried all the way and came back & kept crying without anyone noticing. Mom and sister cried in a noticeable fashion. Mom said to me, this is how your father is - heartless. She said accept it and move on. We all were crying and sad for a whole day - non stop.

Father saw them both and my sister said she misses Budhdhu, she wants him back. He called me there and said go bring him back, I didn't even put my jacket on - couldn't control crying, just grabbed keys to my scooter and drove in those cold temperatures straight to the little soul. Got him back home. Hygiene concerns were immediately solved by washing and drying his paws after every walk outside. His own towels, shampoo and what not was bought.

Dad said he didn't like the name and named him Charlie on day 2 of his return. That was it, now he had named Charlie - there was no going back. Charlie slept in same room as me. He was unknown to world, didn't understand the concept of bed, table, chair, kitchen, bathroom, anything. He was curious and would go anywhere, dad got angry whenever he did these and thats how he learned not to go to to these places. He learned where his places are and where no-go zones like kitchen are. My boy is intelligent AF.

Day 3 onwards, when dad returned from office - Charlie is the first to run to him and celebrate his return by wagging his tail and playing with him. Dad laughed as soon as he entered home, he had not done this in all the years I have known him. Atleast not in any recent memory. Mom got another kid at home, one that she could pamper and take care of as an adult - as an adult with brain and perhaps more preparedness than when me and my sister were born, both of whom she had when she was mentally very young. And sister had a companion at home, one she could play with and care about, something she could not do with me ever.

There was now a central point at home, problems still existed but everyone could go to Charlie and forget the problems. Feel the pure love that Charlie is about, he only cares for your love and he loves you in return. He never damaged shoes or other stuff, he only destroyed his own toys and bedsheets. Nobody disliked him anymore for anything. Impossible.

Fast forward only an year, by his first birthday which I'd decided to celebrate in October on a date that has coincidently been a nice one for our little family all along the years, everyone had come closer to each other as the thing called 'LOVE' was back into family just via someone else. I'd read about things like this but now I had seen this happen in front of me, my dog kid had made us a family again. Dad started asking for Charlie to be in some of the family photos too, we had all come a long way from where we were. Now dad does not seek a companion in office work once he returns home from work, he still works on things but does not do it to fill his empty hours. He works if he has to and then focuses on playing with Charlie or living life in normal ways like taking a walk outside, watching TV with family, etc.

Charlie is not a pet for me, he saved my family from splitting into parts. He is family. He is my little kid.

[einprotagonist]

Not the same... but still there

It is not the same as it used to be between us, I went through massive changes in life and could not control what my feelings were doing to me. I misunderstood things that were happening to me, thought I'd fallen out of love and its over. Apparently it wasn't over. It is still there, but its different now. And I do not know what to do with this, I tried to talk to you about this - I made a new approach and said what I felt but you never wanted to hear any of this again. I have been holding onto some of these words for months now, they've made me struggle and they've made me realize a lot of things.

I think about the things I wanted to have in my life and almost all of them have you by my side, it is so hard to imagine or accept anything else. I tried to move on and even started seeing someone for couple months, I messed it up because I was hasty in evaluating and even worse that I was comparing each step of theirs to you - almost as if I wanted you there not them. So they had to go. I was struggling alone, I have been alone for many years of my life but I had never felt like the way I was feeling back in the time that I broke up with you. The world was changing at a pace for me that I could not keep up with, I did not know what the future was looking like and I started to panic but you could not see it, or if you saw it then you did not help it. And yeah the world would say that you didn't need to help it but I wanted you to help me because there is none else that I ever ask for help. It has always be me to you and you to me. But when all this was happening, it was like you were there but you were never there for me, I wanted so much more and I may have been greedy at that time but hey I can exhibit human behavior too sometimes. I needed your support, reassurance, backing and most importantly I did not want to feel like I am only good when objective goal of money & stability is achieved.

I am slowly getting better at being with myself, just accepting things as they come and focusing on the immediate needs of career development. But it is very scary to think about the future in terms of a family, or personal relations. It feels as if I am conditioned to you, the things we did and the bond we shared. Its slightly better now but I still wonder how you got over it so quickly, do you never wonder like I do that if we could fix what went wrong then maybe we could end up together again? Am I that worthless to you that you would not want to fight for me against those whom you are worried about? Is that reason enough to give up whatever dreams, plans, ideas and life you imagined? I am not going to question whether you actually did these things or not, because I know you did - you did it as badly as I did.

There is definitely something still there, I believe so. Perhaps its just in me, I am the one carrying something unreal but trust me when I say this - in all the years that you've known me, I have never been as afraid of thinking about the future as I am now when it comes to imagining anything about my life and then removing you from all those images/ideas. It sucks. It does not help that I considered you family and now even family is not the same when you are gone, Charlie is also not here with me and Mom, Dad, Sister are all dependent on me - I can not be weak in front of them. Have never been and never will be. It was only you, in front of whom I was sometimes vulnerably open but I slowly stopped because you had your own worries in life which I needed to be strong for.

I can keep writing, keep blaming myself and you. But maybe there is no point. You want to remain just friends now but I know that one day I can not take this anymore and I will have to leave, and even typing this makes my hands shake. I do not want to find out how that feels.

[einprotagonist]

Random People. Or are they?

Whenever I move to a new place in my life, it brings forth an opportunity to meet new people. Learn about them, their ways, their life and what not which they open up slowly. I have shared how when I moved to Hyderabad and had shit loads of issues, I met one of my best friends in life - Harbhajan. He was just another guy in my class when I first met him. When I moved to Delhi NCR then I met some great friends, and also got to know what a good lover feels like.

Similarly, now when I have moved to Wales - I am meeting new people whenever I am out in public. All sorts really. When I came here initially, I met this one guy within first week of moving in here through my post on Reddit - something along the lines of looking to explore city and learn about common spots useful to everyday life. Funny, little weird in his own ways but a great guy, he showed me around and taught me some useful things about the city. Few days later he introduced me to some more people he'd met in similar fashion who were just looking to hangout and meet new people.

These new people were not only new to me but also new to each other. Today, I know that I have a handful amount of good friends I can name and some I'd say is a bond for life thing now. At least on my end.

Things in my mind were absolute shitstorm when I arrived here, I thought I had myself all in control but it was far from it. A lot of my problems kicked in and the strength I had accumulated over the years to keep my problems buried was lost. I broke down and needed more support than ever. My love was not with me, I was missing support which I did not know I missed all the time - just never gave into it. When the pot overflowed, I ended up breaking up to the person I'd probably loved more than anyone in the world. I placed her on the same level as my family, that should speak for itself.

Now I was not only in my own emotional turmoil but going through this end of a 8-9 year overall relation with someone. I found comfort in going to meet these people, a break from daily life of eat, study, cook, clean and sleep. I opened up about some of frustrations but not all of my personal life. It takes me time to open up, I know its ironic that I write about it in a public space for quite some time now.

The random people as I say soon became a small little thing in town called Swansea Social Club, we often meet up and just chat, unwind, play games and sometimes share food & drinks. We became pretty regular, from 5-6 people to begin with - today it is a group of more than 350 people where around 50 people actively involve at least once a month in some activity.

Its not like all of these members know me and my struggles up close, but its good to know that there is a space where people have come up together to socialise and make life easier by just sharing laughs.

There are a couple of Matt with whom I learned to open up in such a short time, they have helped me overcome so many of breakdown episodes of mine. They have been there on calls, in person, over texts and wherever situation required. I could not say that I have had this kind of emotional availability in a friend before, partly because I was always a closed book in many aspects and partly because the culture differs between here and where I have been before. It's not just these two lads who've been there for me or anyone else, all the friends are equally nice and helping. I just mention them for now because they've seen me cry, even my childhood best friends have not seen me open up that much. My mistake? Maybe.

In these random people I met over a platform described as bizarre for meeting people, I have found a great deal of support and care. It would be modest of me to say I'd go any lengths to help them if they ever needed it and I'll make sure they know it.

People are and will always be random, you always come to know them slowly. As stupid as things they like or believe, it is all an experience to learn from and grow in life. These random people are your life lessons, what do you take away from them is your own perspective.

[einprotagonist]

Quick update to last post.

Not moving to Canada.

[einprotagonist]

Going abroad...

Earlier, we've talked about how there are several dreams that a person carries, it is highly unlikely you don't have more than one dream. Ofcourse, you can rank them in an order where something is more important while others can be just peripheral options in your opinion.

And this blog is about me trying to go abroad, I'd earlier tried to explore options about how I can go study abroad. When I was in 6-7th standard, I'd talk to random people on internet who were from various different countries and I was fascinated with the lifestyle they had while I was proud of how much academically smarter I was when compared to some of older students too. But I wanted to explore, they had places which weren't awfully crowded and they had public facilities which were far better than ours. Yes, every land has it's own shitty side but I am not the one to dig shit when I'm dreaming.

During intermediate, I came to know about SAT exams which must have costed my dad almost 75% of his monthly salary at the time when he had to pay rents of 2 separate stays - me and family, pay for food and what not. We were basically drowning in loans I think but never restricted ourselves from trying to make life big. I gave the exam without much preparation and scores were a little above the average and were just about enough to secure 60-70% scholarship in a few universities in the USA - turns out that even if we were given a 100% scholarship then also my family wouldn't be able to pay for the cost of me living there. I immediately let the thought and dream pack its bag and leave. LOL.

Then in college times I was getting better at Automobile Engineering and was deeply invested into making a career out of it. Europe was a dreamland for cars and once again I started to check where I would be paying the least for education, be allowed for a part time job to pay my own living expenses during the masters degree and things did not fall into place. This time my university grades were not good enough to breeze me through and then pockets were already empty for this sort of arrangement to go ahead with. Plus there was this notion that I can keep trying after getting into job.

Well, 4 years have passed since I graduated and many things have happened, some may be well versed with all of those things but most will never know the complete details until they read about it here in future.

Now after all these years, and all these experiences... I think I want finally want to move out and make new moves. I've evaluated the current situations, the budget and options that are present in front of me. The decision on where to go has been pretty clear after initial analysis - Canada is the only place which checks all my boxes. My plan is to go for an MBA and find myself a job after completion of the course in order to support my family better while live my best life. That is right, I want this for myself more than anyone else. Which is how most of the dreams are I think, other factors like family or future generations will always benefit from the positive outcome.

So.. yeah I have just finished giving the English proficiency tests and it is still a very long way to go. I'd prefer to get admission into one of the renowned colleges and we will find out more in the aftermath.

[einprotagonist]

[⚠️TRIGGER WARNING] (It's probably for the best to skip reading this one)

Coward? Lazy? Afraid? Or just weak?

What am I? Why is it that I have no solution to the problems I am facing? Are there really any problems or am I just overthinking? Why am I unable to get out of these spirals of life? When will I be good enough to help those who are around me? My parents, my sister, my relatives & the needy in society.

Why are my efforts without returns? It's been so long that I left college with a degree in the hopes of earning well, how has all that gone down the drain? Where are those who would pay me in expected fashion? Is it really too much to expect? I make bare minimum for someone my age, effort and qualification.

Will there be care? Is there always a burden on head? Am I seeing the responsibilities the wrong way? Do they feel like a burden only because I am unable to take care of them? Who assigned them to me? I did, because I thought I was capable but now I'm failing to live up to it. Instead I'm just struggling to make the ends meet. Had my father not been just about sufficient for the family, I could not have provided for anyone - maybe not even myself.

Am I a coward to think of ending it all because it's not going the way I ever wanted? Does it ever go like that for anyone? Maybe for some it does but the others fight, live and win. Maybe I'm just too lazy and I want to give in but I'm too weak to leave anyone like this? Will they think about me? What will they think? Am I going to do anything like this? No, I don't think I can leave anyone with this to face.

I've been trying to sleep for last 120 minutes, eyes closed and lights off - nobody to disturb but my own mind keeps throwing scenes at me. Trying to make think all which I do not want to think about, which is pointless anyways. Does anyone care? Who should take out time from their lives for me and why even bother about someone like me ffs? What do I bring to anyone's life anyway.

I want to eat delicacies, I have materialistic wishes to fulfill - I am not close to doing that for myself. I do steal a little bit of life for myself once in a couple months by spending a thousand on myself. Is it wrong to be materialistic up to some extent? True happiness lies in spirituality, but is this something that people who earned enough and then gave it up for spirituality or those like me who couldn't live one way so went the spiritual way?

I want to feel loved, but what are my expectations? Are they too much that despite being with someone I still feel this need? Do they do less or am I just too greedy? Maybe I'm just wrong to even have an expectation from someone, they have their own life to figure out and they are working on it - all I'm doing is adding an extra load on them. Why should they take care of someone who does this to them - it's fair point. So I don't demand, but my naive mind/heart feels the need. But I know I am just too free in life and hence thinking like this.

Maybe I too should be doing something in my free time, something productive? Something fun? I preach and often convince people to live their moments - have fun when you want to because you're not going to be as efficient anyways. But tonight I'm just doing the opposite, I would generally put on a movie or watch a football match and go to sleep midway. It's not a toxic habit that bothers my daily sleep. It's just for nights like these. Tonight I thought I wouldn't need to watch and I'll just sleep, yet 3 hours have passed now.

I shouldn't have written all this, may put some in tension. But who reads my blog anyways until I push them the link myself, so maybe it's a safe place to pen down my chaos once or twice.

It's not even midlife and I feel the crisis, the crisis felt by a beginner in career and an adult in life. Maybe maturing early didn't do too well for me, did I not have fun or am I just getting melancholic for no reason? Did I even mature early or was I a delusional fucking cunt who was just boring people with his takes on life? Maybe people just didn't say it to my face out of pity.

[einprotagonist]

Well.. there goes that dream

When we were kids, people would often ask us - ‘Hey little one, what do you want to become when you grow up?’ A very cliche question to keep conversations going in the room. We would dream, didn’t matter if eyes were open or closed. Some wanted to be doctors, some wanted to race, some wanted to fly and some wanted to cook then some wanted to act while some wanted to sing.

There were all sorts of ideas floating around inside a room full of children with dreams.

All of us carry our dreams from childhood and one day wish to fulfil them. I too did the same, I wanted to be many things in life - all at different phases of my life.

It isn’t exactly like we want to be everything at once, but we keep finding new things that we want to do.

I wanted to become a Pilot when I was young, a Military Officer. Had always been patriotic, wanted to take responsibilities and give everything I possibly could for my motherland. School days strengthened the feeling, I got inclined towards Airforce because of NCC affiliation of my school. I couldn’t qualify the exam after school for it in my only try though.

By then I’d also gotten into football and, at the very least, I was a big fan of the game with a sporting physique but my technical footy skills were not so good as I started late (14-15 years of age). I was naive & passionate enough to believe that I’ll train alone in local ground, 2-3 hours a day every morning before going to school and will be able to one day get scouted for some academy at least. Just missed a massive factor that I was in India. I did become a good player though.

School ended, this is when I failed to qualify the exam for Military and football was never happening now. It was time to get into a college.

I still had a shot at Airforce after graduation, but over the passing years my love for automobiles grew strong and now I wanted to be an automobile engineer.

Got into mechanical engineering and this happened, cars and football were basically done for at this point. It’s not like I gave up but I had to start earning and the doors with these two were FAR from being open for me.

I took my chances at Airforce now that graduation was complete, they allow you to take tests till the age of 25. I qualified exams, crashed out of their interview procedures 4 times.

The fourth time was funny, I had been to the last stages in previous attempts so I was expecting myself to make it that far again before finally nailing it this time. To my surprise, I headed out right on day 1. I thought to myself ‘Oh well, fuck. Next one is mine for sure, bad luck in this one!’

I made my way home, got extremely busy with life (jobs, relations and travels).

So near the end of year 2022, they release exam forms again and I’m filling in my details until I realize that it is not accepting my date of birth.

This is when it struck me, that 4th one was actually my last one. I sat still for a while, just wondering how so many of my dreams just finished being my dreams.

Not a footballer, not an officer for Airforce & nothing to do with cars.

So when do we become old exactly? Maybe when...your dreams are now old talks.

Some achieve what they want, they work hard till they get it -  some work hard but run out of time while some just get betrayed by luck. I regret nothing on my end, I’ve always had the luxury of being good at many things - so I keep my career options open.

But yeah, on December 29th of 2022 the clock ran out on the longest held dream of my life so far.

[einprotagonist]

Should I write something again?

[einprotagonist]

Sometimes, even though there are risks, all you gotta do is take the leap. 😊

[einprotagonist]

Two roads diverged in a wood, I took the one less travelled by.

[einprotagonist]

Let there be peace on your mind when you lay on your bed, because you deserve it.

[einprotagonist]

A Trek To Tungnath

Uttarakhand is known to be the Land of Gods for its mesmerizing beauty throughout the state. It has 5 Shiva Temples on top of mountain peaks which are known as Panch Kedar. The highest of Panch Kedar is Tungnath temple, right before Chandrashila peak, sitting at 3680m altitude with breath-taking views – sometimes literally.

The trek to Tungnath begins at Chopta, where water in the pipelines remains frozen during most nights. These temperatures were very different from what I’ve been used to in my city, where average temperature of day remains above 31° C for 2/3rd part of the year. There was an adrenaline rush in veins and thrill drove us to not only live with the situations but enjoy them with all our heart.

The three of us - Suyash, Avinash and I - decided to go on a trip to explore some of the places amongst which Chopta & Tungnath were two on the list. After exploring a few sights, we reached Chopta for a night’s stay so that we can start our trek to Tungnath early morning next day. Temperatures in the evening were 4-5 degree Celsius and our punk asses could not care less, we went out to take photos and look around. Everything far was covered in snow and near us was all ice. We wanted snow, not ice - excited & waiting for the next day. Haha.

There were like hardly 50-60 residential houses which also allowed stays for tourists. Some 4-5 dhaba (restaurants) and a couple small tea stalls. The most expensive thing was water out of all drinks, because you need to drink it more and there is a shortage of it around the valley. Shortage because water freezes, even in the water supply pipelines.

Temperatures dropped below zero at night and we didn’t move an inch while sleeping in those warm blankets, the air leaking inside from the gaps in windows was totally the villain for all of us. We fell asleep while cracking jokes, grabbing our types of drinks and sharing stories about our lives. The morning came and we got ready, locked our room and headed straight towards the peak. It was a hard time getting fresh in morning for the three of us in that small bathroom with just 1 bucket of water and taps being useless. The scenes can not be compared to anything nor can be described so easily.

There are many stories behind how these temples came into existence and I learned about the most popular one later, it was an interesting story. A Hindu mythologic tale exists which speaks about how these temples came into existence –after winning the war against Kauravas, the Pandavas realized that they needed to atone for the sins which they’d done by killing their own brothers and priests in the war. They went to search for Lord Shiva’s blessings while Lord Shiva did not want to meet them so he went into hiding. These Panch Kedar are the places where Lord Shiva ultimately hid himself and the Pandavas found him after travelling mountains before finally being freed of their sins.

It is interesting how this story connects to what most travellers would feel in their own tales too, excluding the war and killing parts ofcourse. I had a tough year before deciding to go on this trek – Covid, job scarcity and family problems. When I overcame all these mentally and finally felt like I’ve won the battle against my problems – I went seeking peace and relief at Tungnath. The landscape beauty was evidently godlike and was visible throughout my journey towards the temple. It was a challenging task though, I fell and slipped – got ill but never skipped. Is this how peace and relief was trying to hide from me too?

The trek was not easy, we did not have enough water to begin with and then we donated whatever we had to a family on their way up because their kid fell ill. We knew that eating snow wouldn’t cut it but we tried that once or twice too. My shoes were pretty well suited for the trek overall and it was fun to watch people slip down the path after hard worked climb - am I evil? Maybe. LOL.

Just before reaching the temple, I was out of breath and out of determination to finish it. Avinash and Suyash kept calling me from ahead, I stopped only 50m behind but it seemed undoable at that moment. I finally gathered courage and picked myself back up (I was literally lying on the side of path for few seconds). We made it. We did it.

Upon reaching there, it felt like I’ve reached the top of world – a never-ending dose of confidence despite staying hungry for hours and running out of water earlier than expected. The happiness and calm on top overshadowed every other feeling that I had, it was a moment of pure relief when one can hear their own breath and winds around.

Call it the lords, call it nature or call it whatever you want – the stories from the past will always connect to you if you look at them through the right lens. Tungnath made me realize how beautiful and teaching my life has been, at the end of every chapter there is a new beginning waiting for us to join hands and move forward with new plans for life.

Until next trip people! :)

[einprotagonist]

Tbh it really does ig

Your brain translates ‘wtf’ but not ‘lol’

[einprotagonist]

Rendezvous With Her

I’d call them rendezvous rather than a meeting because on her hand she has to keep it hidden from her family. The thrill is just unmatchable.

We meet once in a 2-3 months or sometimes even longer, whenever she has the chance to come to my city or nearby cities. We’d steal our moments in between our busy schedules. Sometimes we plan our schedules in a way that there is a meeting possible from both sides since months have gone by!

We live almost 750kms apart from each other, each with their own parents and only one of us was blessed with parents that are instantly fine with relationships now that we have grown up -  mine. This is why our meetings are somewhat secretive.

We both are busy settling individually up to an extent where we can finally stand up for each other whenever needed, that would be the moment in our relation when we move on to next phase. However, till then these meets are our only way.

It was not always like this... she used to live alone earlier. Away from home for her studies and those times were normal if seen from a relationship point of view. But since past couple or more years with my job, Covid and her study regime taking a hit due to the pandemic have all taken their toll on our relation.

And I kid you not, life was near perfect as a young couple when we were nearer and not bound by restrictions/situations. We’d take calming evening walks after my office hours to share about our day while she’d returned from her institution. We’d sometimes cook and eat together, weekends turned into nice cute outings for dinner and some of the nights converted into impromptu movie nights at each other’s place. Those times were dreamy for a man like me who’d always been in long distance relationships for his life so far.

Seeing her care so closely cleansed my mind everyday of the week. It was a bliss for the short-while that it existed. Just within few months... things happened - I got another job in preferable field and her study tenure was coming to an end. We moved apart - of course I was the momentary villain for moving away first. Hahaha.

Since then, we’d try to find chances to meet when she is around for some work. We replicate our walks, talks, food cravings and what not from the past. But there is always a timer running on our head. We have learned to live this way for the better tomorrow we are hopeful of, for the life to come.

Everything is a part and parcel of this life. Everything has a meaning and a lesson to teach. These distances have always taught me a lot, how do you perceive your distances from the things you desire the most?

[einprotagonist]

What's your excuse?

Clicked by me when I was surveying a slum with an NGO for public help.