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I don't want to go quietly.

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Maybe I'll decide to live, maybe I won't. But either way, until then, I'm gonna throw self-preservation to the dogs, and dance with the Devil.

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Take me.

The light in the dark.

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So what am I doing nearing the end of my life?

Inviting strangers to my home to come rape and abuse me. I've given my address and door code to people whose names I don't know and whose faces I haven't even seen, and I just risk my life at their hands.

At one point I was choked out and came to, and I... did not even care. I could have died with his hands around my throat, and it just felt like... nothing.

I am completely unafraid to die; might as well dance with the Devil.

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Maybe I'll decide to live out of sheer fucking spite.

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"I have spent my life resisting the desire to end it."

- Franz Kafka

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HAHAHAHAHA

Of course this would happen just as I'm weighing the pros and cons of staying alive.

America has chosen. Life is a tragic sitcom.

See you in the next life, y'all. There's no way I'm surviving this.

Expect more suicides.

*more maniacal laughter as tears roll down my face*

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"We already know what's going on with you, so why do you have to keep harping on it?"

This is what I was told by a group facilitator the other day, in a partial hospitalization treatment program, in reference to my suicide pact.

This is the state of affairs in our mental health system. This kind of thing, all stacked up over time, is part of why people give up on getting help. To my fellow suicide planners and mental health patients, I wish you all the best, but good fucking luck.

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Finally updating my countdown after surgery.

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It's happening. You're being pushed to higher levels at this very moment. All of that patience, self-control, and discipline made your spirit resilient and your mind sharp. The Universe keeps flooding your spirit with signs, telling you to prepare for something amazing. Don't spend another second worrying about what's to come; the doorway to your next chapter is right in front of you. That glorious breakthrough you've been praying for is finally here. Welcome the new energy that's arrived at your doorstep. With all of that space cleared out in your soul, your blessings now have a place to safely land. Get ready; they're closer than you think.

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If you can dream with a damaged mind and love with a broken heart, you deserve this world and all of its treasures.

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“Please stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you.”

— Unknown

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— Silas Melvin

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