ergo-nihil

[ergo-nihil]

Death of the Veiled King, (c.1893) Mixed media on wood panel — Charlotte Major Wyllie (British, 1828-1909)

[ergo-nihil]

| la basilique notre-dame de fourvière, lyon |

[ergo-nihil]

[ergo-nihil]

by _michaelito_

[ergo-nihil]

good thing from jp twitter this week is queen of old man yaoi michiru sonoo discovering the term old man yaoi

update: somehow it got impossibly more wholesome

quick translation: おかえり: welcome home あ 終わった 終わった: ahhh, it's over! it's done! コーヒー? お茶?: coffee? tea? コ~ヒ~ ありがと: coffee, thank you~ ネクタイレア★★ ネクタイ取るレア★★★★: seeing him with a tie on, rarity level ★★, seeing him take a tie off, rarity level ★★★★ にあうな~: it suits him~

also please do follow: AraigumaSha: sensei's twitter account marureviere: maru, who does such valuable work highlighting bl manga for an international audience

[ergo-nihil]

feb. 26th, 2025. || first of the year.

i'd been clean of self harm for a few months and felt rather proud of it, even though i still think i'm undeserving of recovery and still wish my body to be covered in scars of my own making. that ended today, as i've relapsed and killed a few butterflies.

this past week, it just feels like my head has been inside an empty fishtank. it'd be lovely if the fishtank was full because water makes me feel at ease and i love fish watching, but there's nothing inside. there's only me. and i'm forced to watch my own warped reflection all day, every single day without a single reminder of anything that i like or that has been positive to my life in the slightest. i'm met with the thing that i hate most, and that keeps me from recovering and becoming a better person: me.

after talking to a friend, i was reminded that i've been going to therapy for half my life. all of this, for what? my mental illnesses still hinder every aspect of my life and i'm still a shell of what i used to be when things still had meaning. i'm surrounded by people who say they love and support me, yet only feel a looming shadow of their presence. i don't see them inside the fishtank. i only see me, as if though a fisheye lens. my face covers almost my entire view. i can only avoid that by looking down or closing my eyes. however, if i look down i'm met with my horrible body and if i close my eyes i'm avoiding my problems as i've always done. there's no way out, and i can't get my head out of this fishtank by myself. but at the same time, no one will listen if i ask for help. the tank muffles my every sound.

it's been a few days since i last felt hungry, too. i don't feel hunger, nor anything at all except for fatigue. i can't tell if this is me being consumed by emptiness or if i'm already dead and just rotting from the inside. either way, it doesn't feel good. all i wish was to be normal and feel things on a normal scale, but i can't even do that. everything is difficult. normal human functions feel draining to me. i theoretically have things to be happy or excited about, but it's too much energy. i don't have the energy for anything that does not destroy myself. i'm the source of all my misery, so it's only fair i take out what remains of my emotions on it. even crying is too much work.

adding onto what i said about therapy, i realized that if i were to attempt suicide again, it'd be my third time writing a suicide note that would probably serve no purpose. that's just how pathetic everything about me is. i can't get anything done. not in my everyday life, not in ending it. all i do well is worrying those i'm supposed to love back and destroying myself to the point of no return.

i keep wondering how certain people would react if they knew i were dead. it's not good for me, but it's one of the only things that reminds me i'm still me. the fact that i still reminisce of people who would rather see me buried than learn anything new about my life.

serves me right.

[ergo-nihil]

☆

everyone's sh is valid!!<3<3 except mine

everyone's body is beautiful!!<3<3 except mine

[ergo-nihil]

feb. 06th, 2025. || being happy is not a priority.

i've only been eating under 600kcal for over a week and have been getting actual results this time. i've never actually seen any changes in my body no matter what diets or workout routines i tried to follow, but this time it's different. for the first time since my teens, i'm starting to feel and watch my body change. not healthily, of course not - but the change is there. it feels like poking the holes of my ribcage: satisfying, but others would judge me for it.

i don't really have anything new or relevant to write about on here, just the fact that i'm tired from things that have been happening for too long and affect me more than they should from time to time. it's either work, my family or myself. i pity those who take themselves too seriously, but worse than that is not being taken seriously by anyone at all. i'm constantly seen as a weak liability by those around me and no matter what i do or how worse i get, it just seems to get more palpable by the day. the main culprit is my family, which is ironic... i'm often the one to try and actually make an effort to maintain stable communication or make plans (both because i want to and feel like i need to), but i don't really get anything in return. matter of fact, i always end up in the wrong. no clue how, but i do.

i'm the "severely ill member of the family who gets hurt very easily" and that's all i'll ever be. everything bad you can think of, it's all me. everything i touch withers away before me.

yet if i try to cut the root of all discord, i'm still the wrong one.

i'm ungrateful for trying to directly remove a problem from everyone's lives.

it's all me.

[ergo-nihil]

photography by natalia drepina

[ergo-nihil]

Damien Hirst, Venice underwater fantasy exhibition, Treasures, 2017 Palazzo Grassi, Venice.

[ergo-nihil]

jan. 30th, 2025. || we all return home eventually.

i've had this blog for years and years, but only used it for access to certain posts. i don't even remember the last time i made a post on tumblr whatsoever. the only account i used when i was an avid tumblr citizen has been deleted around 10 years ago and i don't remember... anything about it. anything at all. not my name, my username, my layout, nothing. maybe it's for the best.

well, i'm back to using it for all the young reasons and doing the worst thing one could possibly imagine: using it as a diary. it sucks when you're knee-deep in your own thoughts and are too much of a coward to talk about them with anyone else. i can't even be completely honest with my therapist because my brain just refuses to be rational. and that's completely on me. i did this to myself, so i'm doing even more shit to myself to try and feel even the thinnest sliver of pride. anything goes; i haven't truly felt anything in too long.

right now, i'm back to my old disordered eating habits and hoping to actually make some progress this time. the body i live in does not belong to me and i've been doing nothing but take horrible care of it. it's time i lock the fuck in and change my ways.

i don't want to be as extreme as i used to be back in my edtumblr/twt days, but whatever happens, happens.

for the first time in my life, i'm looking forward for something to change.

let's see how this goes.