eternlsummer

[eternlsummer]

[eternlsummer]

[eternlsummer]

[eternlsummer]

[eternlsummer]

[eternlsummer]

There's a pool full of stars but you can't jump;

I have seizures and they're always about  summer nights, air thick with so much joy i can't help but shake.

So we've never learned how to be happy. Okay.

Summer nights. The drives in your car, your car, the blue sky and stars, later, the sand, sand everywhere, sand coming out of your mouth each time you laugh.

Drinks mixed with glitter and Love and everything around is alive. People become actual people, human beings that crawled through the dirt, just like you. You are so here, the lights in your eyes, your body a big firework.

Someone says let's go and you go.

It's so easy. You book a plane. It is summer—You are someone who can do these things.

Years later then, you'll tell  me,

Once I had my body the way I wanted it.

There were times I was so empty I couldn't believe it. I told my friend, I feel like I am never fully here, like some part of comprehending is missing, everything is beautiful but my eyes are closed.

Only in my memory, meaning dreams do i see myself as vibrant, eyes opened, on the verge of the world, breaking through summer, inside the whole picture, which is a wall, which is why I'm never awake, Then—

My self reflecting in the pool, light dancing around me, no color escaping my skin, no sound i don't dive in, another drink, and another, my appetite a hole, the glitter in my stomach, the light around my hands.

In my dreams I am someone jumping in a pool and it is summer, and I am someone who is able to be happy without being sad.

[eternlsummer]

When I am myself –

Black ink on the wall and Did you hurt yourself? The other side of the mirror is a door that won’t open. Wrong key, wrong keyhole, wrong mirror.

Let’s say that the world is a heart only desaturated. And more cruel. How do I run away from my heart when everything is my heart? Wrong metaphor.

The pool then, and yes, I’ll get to it. My birthday party, the car, an ambulance.  –

I’ll dig to the center of the Earth if it means I’ll find a way to belong there. 

[eternlsummer]

being kind is the only hope we have left. <3

[eternlsummer]

:’)

[eternlsummer]

[eternlsummer]

something something, winter is lonely

[eternlsummer]

[eternlsummer]

[eternlsummer]

[eternlsummer]

Love, you have made heaven impossible. Who would let me in? One look at my heart and they'd be sending me off,

Too much inside of you, no space for so much love. No space on earth, no space in heaven.

Sorry.

[eternlsummer]

Some words are a place. A soft bed, your childhood friend and "Yeah we're good".

Some words are a caress, leaving the window open for an angel to drop by. Pale blue melting into white. "Hey, I just thought I'd call".

Some words are an apology, you know I love you, love you, love you.

And some words are a gut punch that passes through you. Some words you spit out with a mouth full of blood. And some words you don't get to say. Some words are not to be said. Some words are internal bleeding from every part of your body. Swallow them down. 

[eternlsummer]

I can walk away but my body betrays me; keeps turning back, my hands typing out your name before I can think of who to call. You live inside me. I can't walk away.