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Woman at the zoo: Why do they look so sad? 😔

Sign literally 10 feet away:

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is anyone else feeling stuck and waiting for something that will never come in order to start living or is it just me?

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mfs will be like “I love the night :)” and then experience unliveable mental anguish the entire time

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But…but…where’s the tutorial???

how to express emotions infront of people without feeling terribly ashamed of yourself tutorial

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does anyone else feel weird & not good or is it just me

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I seriously don’t know why I keep going with all this trauma that’s permanently compacted into my brain.

Part of me feels like it’s stupid to let it hold me back, and another feels like trying to do anything with this much trauma is futile.

The closer I get to 30 the more and more I realize my life has been so much different from nearly everyone around me. I feel alienated.

People think that because I’m young, my life can’t be that bad. But people have thought that since I was 12, and it’s always stung and never been true. When will I be old enough for my pain and feelings to be justified?

People have even insinuated that because I got married young my life can’t be that bad.

Well, now my moms dead and I’m only 29. So, maybe things have balanced themselves out. If I die at 50, it’ll almost be like I lived my life on a normal, but shortened, timeline.

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Disability will have you thinking shit like “I’m not even that disabled. I can manage as long as I limit myself to very specific careers, never go shopping for more than an hour or two at a time, keep my plans open so I can cancel and stay in if need be, and only go out a few nights per week at the most”

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adulthood is just telling yourself “and after i’ve done THAT i can finally relax” with increasing desperation

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The amount of rainbow everything, everywhere, is starting to get to me. It’s like a punch to the gut every time I see a pride flag being flown by some organization or church or company. I still have to feel the dirty looks from people in public, or endure being looked up and down after giving someone my name, or experience being ma’amed or she/her’d on the regular. I’m still afraid to come out to some people in my family that are the types to act like “allies” and go to pride marches, but when the time comes to have to accept a family member, I know they won’t. It’s not even just the corporations. It’s the self-proclaimed allies and people who are all about pride now that it’s the cool thing to do, but who are still homophobic and transphobic to people in their lives.

(I wrote this years ago and it was in my drafts.)

This feels especially relevant after coming out to the people I thought wouldn’t be accepting…and they weren’t.

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I don’t know how I got here.

I’m suddenly in the airport, or some kind of large building resembling an airport.

I’m suddenly in a large, modern-looking gymnasium. It had been setup by our government as a “Blood Extraction Center”. They had wanted to simply call them Blood Donation Centers, as not to sound out of the ordinary. But they felt it would be in poor taste, as the “donations” weren’t always given by choice.

Many people didn’t seem to question the need for the extraction. Though others believed our governments would do unspeakable things with the blood, and you would forever be in a database after they had yours.

I was crammed into the center, planning my escape, when I decided to ask the woman pushed up against me to my right why she decided to come.

“I hear they’re using it to create new medications necessary to eradicate the next pandemic, but nobody knows for sure anymore.”

Her statement provides little confidence. But I’ve known all along that they’ve been up to something nefarious. I need to get out of the country. Though this seems to be spreading globally. America has been feeling less and less safe for the last 50 years. God, maybe more… Definitely more depending on who you ask.

The AI bots are grabbing people randomly from the crowd. I think I know a way I can disarm them, but I’m not certain. Outside the center is a big open field. Oddly enough, the outside didn’t seem to be very well protected. I think maybe, if I run… It’s possible I could make it and make it through the clearing.

I want to start shouting “Why are you letting them do this to us?” but I don’t. It’s not even a normal amount of blood. It’s over a liter. In some people, it could be deadly.

(I wrote this years ago, based on a dream I had…possibly even before COVID hit, but I can’t quite remember.)

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I’d watch the sopranos if tony laid on his bed writing in his journal whilst giggling and kicking his feet and twirling his hair while on the phone with paulie walnut or whoever he loves calling

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being alive is great because there are so many different vegetables you can sauté. but then there are also the horrors

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Woah, can’t believe I haven’t posted on here in 10 months. Life has gotten weird. My body continues to deteriorate but I’m actually feeling better in some ways. Though I was recently diagnosed with RA.

I moved out of a moldy apartment and was able to come off of half my antihistamines and mast cell stabilizers. I’m finally on IVIG which it took me years to get, and it’s helped with some of my GI symptoms. Found out I have craniocervical instability and possibly also tethered cord and Eagles syndrome, all of which may require surgery along with surgery for Chiari. I’m having a diagnostic surgery next month to find out how bad the CCI is among other things like my intercranial pressure. I’m making progress. But like, I’m also losing the best insurance I’ll probably ever have in my life next April. So I feel like I’m racing against the clock to fit in as much as I can now.

My partner and I have a garden at the church in our old town again. It’s going pretty well and I think we’re finally mastering growing zucchinis. That’s about all I got going for me atm lol. My body may be deteriorating, but at least I can grow a good zucchini 😂

Time is moving so fast and I’m almost 30. I figure I’ll probably have my health and maybe my life in order by 40. Maybe we’ll have a house and a small farm by then. Time really feels like it’s been passing me by lately. I barely see anyone I know because of the pandemic still.

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people who don’t experience chronic pain will never understand what it’s like to expect to be in pain for the rest of your life.

you don’t understand what it’s like to have to take your pain and your limitations into account when searching for housing or employment.

you don’t understand what it’s like to quit a job or an activity you love bc it’s exacerbating your pain levels.

you don’t understand what it’s like to send the “sorry, gotta cancel” text to the same friend four days in a row because your pain is just too intolerable.

you don’t understand what it’s like to have to choose between leaving early (again) or suffering through something that will cause you hours or days or weeks of increased pain.

you don’t understand what it’s like to have your accommodations/self-advocacy/self-care viewed as laziness or rudeness or apathy.

i don’t know where i’m going with this exactly but basically living with chronic pain is really hard, shout out to people who deal with chronic pain, and if you don’t then please be understanding toward those of us who do, please assume we are doing our best, because taking care of ourselves often has to come before anything else