greeniebeanie - Tumblr blog

[greeniebeanie]

I can't keep doing this with my mother. She's been addicted to pain meds almost my entire life and those damn pills have always come first before anything else. She use to be such a great loving mother and wife but once I turned 13 it was just a downhill from there. She use to spend all hours of the night awake doped up on pain meds and I as a teenager would always catch my mom just standing in the kitchen rocking back and forth completely zoned out. I use to have to beg my mom not to leave the house because I was convinced she was going to kill someone on the road. There's no fucking reason I had to do that as a teenager. My parents are always fighting over her drug use and my mom is constantly belittling my dad rather than admitting she has a problem. I use to pray every night my dad would divorce my mom and I could go live with him so I could be away from her. Last weekend I invited my family to my new house so they could check it out and my oh so loving mother decided that driving to my aunts house to get more fucking pills was more important that seeing her only daughters first fucking house.

I'm so glad I at least have my dad. I was talking to my boss who is his coworker and supposedly he has been nonstop talking about my house and is so excited to help me get it move in ready. I love my dad so much and I don't know how I'm going to handle being so far away from him.

[greeniebeanie]

I am seconds away from relapsing at work and by god do I not want to. I'm trying everything else to stop it and it isn't working. I hate my brain so much

[greeniebeanie]

I'm so fucking tired of working a job where no one respects me as a person and instead treats me like a fucking robot whose not supposed to have thoughts or feelings unless it's to make them feel better. I'm supposed to be able to do everything immediately and perfectly all while staying out of sight so people can forget I exist.

[greeniebeanie]

Idk why but I just got reminded of when back in 2018 my mother and I got into a fight because she viewed my childhood friend as a coward for committing suicide. We were at what was supposed to be his graduation when we got into this fight because I was mad they didn't call his name but they called another student's name who passed away. It's been 12 years since he's been gone and I'm dreading next year because that means he'll have been dead for longer than he's been alive.

How the fuck can someone say that about a 13 year old boy. He was just a child when he decided taking his own life was better than living.

All I want to do is go back and be the person to hold that little 10 year old girl so tight while she sobbed her heart out because she wasn't able to understand why her friend didn't want to live. Every adult in her life failed to be that person and she had to navigate through her grief on her own.

[greeniebeanie]

I've been clean for almost two months and by god am I struggling. My whole body is aching and not a day goes by where I am not in pain and all I want to do is cause myself more pain to distract myself from it all. How fucked up is that?

[greeniebeanie]

ⁿᵒᵇᵒᵈʸ ʷᵃⁿᵗˢ ᵐᵉ ᵃʳᵒᵘⁿᵈ⋅

[greeniebeanie]

Deadass how the hell am I about to turn 22 and close on a house in a month ;-;

My life was supposed to end at 16

Idk what im doing now

[greeniebeanie]

I am so fucking exhausted. I've been working late nights every day and this weekend I have to drive 4 hours out to chaperone a school trip so I definitely ain't sleeping. I'm waiting for my body to just collapse.

[greeniebeanie]

I feel like I should be concerned that I've lost 10lbs in the past two-ish weeks but eh who cares.

I'm not even doing it on purpose I just don't want to eat especially now that I am unable to cut :/

[greeniebeanie]

I feel like a massive fucking child. I'm currently crying because no one ever cleans the house except for me and I'm having to rush to do it before work and I just accidentally cut the shit out of my mouth with my straw and now I can't drink my coffee which is the only thing I'm going to be able to consume until after work since I have no time to even cut up a cucumber.

I hate living in this house and I cannot wait to move out.

[greeniebeanie]

Y'all I'm about to buy a house and move an hour away from my home town, how tf did this happen???

Very nervous about living in this new place because I grew up in a very small town and I'm about to move to a small city where traffic is significantly worse. I'm hoping to whomever my car can survive this 😭

[greeniebeanie]

I hate that I'm starting to be happy to see the numbers on the scale go down.

[greeniebeanie]

I'm 21 almost 22 and yet I'm crying over my parents fighting because I never know how to keep my fucking mouth shut.

God I'm so fucking pathetic it's honestly embarrassing.

At least on the plus side I finally know how much of a burden I am to everyone around me.

[greeniebeanie]

i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut

i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut

i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut

i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut

i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut

i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut

i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut

i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut

i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut

[greeniebeanie]

I'm genuinely debating quitting my job. Everyone here hates me and thinks I do nothing all day. My students go out of their way to make my life a living hell and I'm just expected to deal with it because I'm hardly a human in their eyes. I can feel my mental health slipping more and more each day for a job that is terminating me at the end of May anyways. Why should I bother anymore?

[greeniebeanie]

God it's so hard to stay clean especially when I have no reason to at the moment.

[greeniebeanie]