growing-home - Tumblr blog

[growing-home]

we all must get weirder and more queer. i am completely serious and genuine and this is urgent. please get weirder and gayer now. if you see me acting weird and gay mind your business a little bit.

[growing-home]

we are not born to die!! what are you talking about!! do you think a book begins just to finish? do you think a song opens with a beautiful chord just for it to end? you don’t read the book to finish it, you read the book to eat up the excitement and the emotions it evokes!! to learn and to digest and to fall in love and be heartbroken!! you listen to the song to dance and dance and sing your throat raw!!! to cry and smile and swell with the harmonies!! yes, we are born with the inevitable fate of death, we are mortal after all, but that is merely the finale of the play!! the final act, the closing of the curtains - we are not born to take a bow and exit stage left!! we are born to love and be joyous and yell and move and learn and cry and feelfeelfeel!!!  we are not born to die, silly, we’re born to live!!!

[growing-home]

five years

though i have no interest in ever returning to residential or inpatient treatment, i don’t know if i’ll ever stop missing that first center i went to, that whole time period, before the TTI, before the retraumatizations. i think the reason i became a bit of a revolving door patient was because i was trying to recreate that experience over and over, but all it gave me was at best more people to miss and at worst more trauma.

it’s been five years since i was there. five years five years five years but it has been an eternity and also ten seconds and it took forever and went by so fast and it has been five whole years and i never thought it would be.

sometimes i smell something or feel something that takes me back there, the early mornings on the blue couch in the school room, reading rules of civility by amor towles because a recovery coach lent it to me and i wanted to seem smart though it’s not something i would’ve ever chosen on my own. i was glad i read it in the end though, i loved it but i don’t remember what it was about now. bullet journaling, pasting in pictures of hope and lists of books to read. it’s been five years and i have not read a single one of those books, and i am not the idealized future me that i thought i would be. i can’t decide if that is good or bad.

i did not stay thin like they told me i would. i know they did me a disservice with their fatphobia but i forgive them, i forgave them a long time ago. i just remember how everything felt fresh and new, listening to maggie rogers in the kitchen and playing just dance and going to five below and bath and body works and target and michaels. i remember being fed consistently for the first time in my life, i felt reborn, awake after a lifetime of sleepwalking.

i miss it. i miss my naivety. i miss how much i trusted. i miss being small and taken care of by others, i miss the world being gentle with me, recognizing my fragility. i miss not making a sound walking on creaky floorboards and not being alone. i remember going to bed one night with the realization that i wanted to stay there forever. forever in that hope, forever in all that endless potential, the not quite moving forwards but being held, cradled, cared for.

i make too much noise now, always knocking things over and dropping things that slip through my fingers before i even realize, i walk into door jambs and kitchen cabinet corners now. i am still not used to the space that i take up. sometimes i don’t think i’ll ever be as happy as i was then, as though my best days have already passed, wasted on an eighteen year old who thought she knew everything. i know too much now.

all i can do is take the next step forwards and hope that it gets me to somewhere that will prove me wrong— a life for me, a love for me, a family for me, a home for me. i want it so bad it hurts. i sing and i draw and i cry and i laugh and i speak and i yell and i’m still here but i am different. i am changed. i am stronger now but i wish i didn’t have to be. i want to be her again sometimes, that girl i was before the memories and betrayal and retraumatization and loss. i feel like a jigsaw puzzle missing just enough pieces that you can’t see the big picture.

i hope someday i will feel whole again. i think i did yesterday. i think i will tomorrow.

[growing-home]

i hate nostalgia i hate nostalgia i hate nostalgia!!!!!!!!

[growing-home]

i feel kind of like an alien in a very poorly fitted human costume and i look at everyone around me doing daily tasks and interpreting subtext in conversations and making and maintaining friendships and relationships and they go to work and they like things a normal amount and i can't help but think: is it really that easy for them? and if so, why can't it be for me?

[growing-home]

today was my last day in IOP for my ED and i can’t believe it’s really over! i honestly haven’t been in this good of a place since like 2019 so i’m really proud of myself! i know i’ve made a lot of progress and i’m proud of myself but i’m feeling emo bc i’m going to miss some of the staff so much— for the first time in a treatment setting i felt truly heard and seen and their kindness and compassion has meant the world to me, more than they’ll ever know. i can’t believe how far i’ve come!

[growing-home]

yellow dream home / moodboard

[growing-home]

Sketchbook spread

Jack rabbits, Taro plants, strange shadows and stars.

Alcohol marker, graphite, and colour pencils.

[growing-home]

Hey sorry I didn't talk to you for over a week time keeps moving too fast

[growing-home]

LMFAOOOO this is too real

Disabled person: I can't do this thing because of my disability.

Ableist: Stop making excuses! Just because you have a disability doesn't mean you're disabled!

[growing-home]

“you’re so sensitive” i was born with a poet’s soul. bitch

[growing-home]

it’s just honestly so funny how literally every single swiftie seemingly refuses to consider the nuance of someone’s critical thoughts that revolve around taylor lmao water and oil

yes taylor has a couple songs that don’t center her romances. but you know full well that’s a majority of her discography that does AND HER CAREER began with her playing off this trope like i stg yall talk so much arseshit out both sides of your mouth so you’re never wrong but oh lordy

this is so bizarre to read bc it seems like maybe you didn’t actually read what i wrote? i personally don’t think taylor swift is beyond criticism. i don’t love every single song of hers and i am especially not really a fan of her top hits. i never said that i’m never wrong lmao and i certainly didn’t say that there’s no nuance here. but i’ll reiterate: writing songs about exes isn’t a trope, it’s something that almost every artist does— that’s just a fact. i say this also because i write music too!

the phenomenon that i was trying to point out is exactly what you are doing right now. for me, when i don’t like an artist, i try to avoid them as much as possible and if i run into content about them, i scroll. i just don’t really understand why it is so important to you to make it known that you don’t like taylor swift to a literal stranger who has like. 40 followers??? i’m confused as to how you even found my post given that i do not have a large following and only used taylor swift related tags. tumblr shows you posts that are similar to the ones you’ve interacted with, so either you were actively seeking out taylor swift content through tags just to argue, or you interact with so much taylor swift content that tumblr now recommends you posts related to her. or it’s possible you are 1 of my 40 followers on this app LMFAO. if that’s the case, you can unfollow now if this is not content you are interested in seeing! it’s fully up to you.

i like taylor swift’s music bc some of it has helped me through some very difficult times in my life. that’s why it’s important to me to talk about the music she writes that isn’t about her exes— because those are the songs that have helped me the most. i don’t know her as a person so i can’t speak to her character and i have never claimed to.

i have no issue with people criticizing or disliking taylor swift, but i do have an issue when people only don’t like her because of reasons that are very clearly rooted in misogyny. she doesn’t just have a “couple of songs” that don’t center romance, i could give you a whole list if you’re interested but i doubt you are. if i’m wrong feel free to message me for a list! and if you know of any artists who don’t write songs about their exes, feel free to send me a list too! <3

[growing-home]

topics that taylor swift has written songs about besides her ex boyfriends: her mom, her dad, her grandmother’s death, her childhood friends, coming of age, religion, religious trauma, fictional stories about characters she made up, historical figures, criticism and harassment that comes with fame, her mother’s cancer, a boy named Ronan that died from cancer, wanting to make her mark and be remembered, abuse and trauma, wanting to run away and leave hollywood behind, the kennedys, New York, friendship, misogyny, homophobia, the collective trauma of the pandemic, female rage, murder lol, confidence and self esteem, karma, Emma Stone (literally), fear of letting her fans down, grief & loss

i just don’t understand where the narrative comes from that “all her songs are the same” and “she only writes about her ex boyfriends” like ??????

first of all, name ONE artist that has never written songs about their exes. i’ll wait! second, she literally writes about a wider variety of topics than any other mainstream artist (to my knowledge). it is totally fine if her music is not your thing! it’s totally fine if you want to criticize decisions she makes that you believe are harmful! but you don’t need to collude with misogyny and deny the existence of 50% of her discography to make your point.

if you don’t like an artist, don’t listen to them! i’m not sure why every single person who doesn’t like Taylor Swift feels the need to complain about her existence, or why people don’t seem to know how to criticize her without bringing up her dating life. when my friends like an artist that i’m not crazy about, i don’t feel any inclination to tell them that i dislike that artist. i definitely don’t feel the need to complain about it every time their name is brought up.

it’s such a bizarre phenomenon that i don’t see with most other artists— why is it so important to you that other people know that you dislike Taylor Swift? what values are you trying to communicate? are you making sure people know that you’re not like other girls? what would it mean about you if you WERE like other girls? why is that a bad thing?

anyway. this shouldn’t be controversial. let people like what they like!!! it’s really not that difficult!!

[growing-home]

[growing-home]

i’m in college and i walk with a cane and stairs are not something i can physically do. the elevators on campus are always packed with maskless able-bodied students, often with some people literally coughing and sniffling. but covid aside—

a couple of weeks ago, the elevator opened on the first floor of a building i have class in, completely packed. i have class on the 5th floor so there is physically no way for me to get there without the elevator. i said “hey can you guys make some room?” and all of them go “no, there’s no room.” so i got a little frustrated and said “then one of you needs to get out to make room.” they responded “we ALL need to get where we’re going.”

yes, i’m aware that we ALL need to get to class, but i physically cannot get to class without the elevator. the school’s policy around the elevator is that you MUST give priority access to disabled people, and there is literally a sign that says that outside of every single elevator.

so i’m standing there with my cane, feeling like i’m gonna start crying. i said “i’m disabled, i walk with a cane. if a disabled person needs the elevator, you need to make room.” they then responded “there’s no need to be RUDE, all you had to do was ASK.”

like ????????? i DID ask. you said no! i am not being rude for informing you of school policy. even if you didn’t like my tone, that doesn’t change the fact that you physically CAN use the stairs while i cannot. these policies are in place but never enforced.

when i finally started using mobility aids, i wrongfully assumed that now that my disability is no longer invisible maybe people would stop being so ableist towards me. that maybe people would get out of the elevator to make room, or give up their seat on the bus so that i could sit. turns out a lot of people just fully don’t give a shit even when they can see that i am disabled. it was a really shitty reality check.

People need to stop making fun of those who use the elevator. I'm not using the stairs because I'm "lazy" it's because I'm physically incapable of using them. This is a recurring issue of people not minding their business or simply laughing at me for using the elevator instead of the stairs. Like sorry? Am I supposed to miracle my legs to work properly?

[growing-home]

pressed flowers 🥀🤎

[growing-home]