h4t5t0f55l

[h4t5t0f55l]

"autism is my superpower"

I have "superautism"

bro you're not even diagnosed shut up

like neither am i but its far from a superpower. i actually am really struggling and

im so sick of these people

doing literally normal people things and then being like "haha i'm so autistic"

maybe you are autistic but im so sick of this rhetoric that its just quirky. that its a "superpower".

im disabled. my fucking superpower is the fact im still somehow alive

im like dead tired

and super bitter and jealous and just mean

Idk what these other people are going through

but my brain is like assuming they're not experiencing what i am experiencing in order for them to act how they keep acting.

idk how i should respond to this as someone who also may just be lying for attention because who knows at this point. i don't act like these people. and they think they're autistic too.

maybe i just have fucked up disorder. not built for living disorder. im barely a human in your eyes disorder.

im so tired about hearing about autism just getting thrown around.

like i can't relate to these people. I don't get their jokes. im beneath them somehow.

[h4t5t0f55l]

"I love your personality!" - thanks its a disorder.

[h4t5t0f55l]

it/its : someone who uses the it/its pronoun set. it/it/its/its/itself.

[h4t5t0f55l]

Things that will drive me to violence if I hear them one more fucking time:

-"Left/right brained" (especially as an insult)

-"Delulu"

-Any variation on "am I/are they having a stroke"

-Lobotomy "jokes"/insults (jokes are supposed to be funny)

-Anything implying that brain damage makes people right wing

-"ADHD/task paralysis"

-Literally anyone at all who isn't intellectually disabled using the r slur in any situation whatsoever

[h4t5t0f55l]

"Don't let your disability define you"

Wow I'm so happy for you that you don't have a disability that controls every aspect of your life and who you are! That doesn't mean it's okay to invalidate disabled people by telling them they are not disabled.

My disability DOES define me. My disability defines everything about me and the way I function. Just be happy that you aren't this severely disabled and STFU. Stop trying to define disabled peoples disabilities for them. Your ableism is disgusting.

[h4t5t0f55l]

how do you be a good person?

[h4t5t0f55l]

me: telling people i'm emotionally unstable

them: ah yeah thats fine, you're fine

me: *acts emotionally unstable* or they watch me switch opinions in real time

them: huh??? what the-

like please im telling you who I am

please don't assume I say this to be self-depricating or something

like im actually trying to tell you. and its not their fault im like this

but i wish people wouldn't act so damn confused and surprised when it happens

i'm not trying to hurt anyone. i never have and never will physically. and im not emotionally trying to hurt people when I get upset but people are rightfully weary because im such a mood killer

and i don't have typical depression

don't have typical anxiety so they are just like?? what the fuck-

but i can't outright be like "ok so i was in therapy for self-harm and I was told i had bpd symptoms but because i was 17 i was too young to get diagnosed and the therapist was really not qualified to deal with me even though she was meant to specialise in self-harm. she didn't accept my identity and threatened me for being a difficult/unresponsive client, so i lied that i was "cured" so my mum would stop making me go" and i never got better and in fact have been getting worse this entire time and i never really get better properly and all my attempts of being helped, i never actually got help and my own illness stops me from getting help because i now believe no one will ever help me and i don't deserve it because if i was really mentally ill they would right? right?. apparently im too "complicated" or something to be deserving of help. like bro??? help me then?? because i'm obviously struggling. i was delusional in the past thinking when i would go to therapy they would be able to tell i was struggling and actually help me or confirm to me what's wrong

instead i just get "that's rough buddy but we can't help" shut up isn't that your job? find someone who can idk?? like I get it your resources can be used elsewhere not on a lost cause like myself but also what now? i just die? i just kill myself? like the message it's sending me is "fix it yourself or don't bother living your sorry life then"

like i've lost faith

so sorry im an asshole

and an attention seeker

sorry I want someone to care

sorry if that makes me evil

sorry if you don't understand me

sorry i'm not in therapy when i should be

sorry you didn't believe me when I said I was struggling

sorry sorry sorry sorry

sorry i need someone to be there for me

sorry i feel like my future is hopeless

sorry i think about killing myself daily

sorry i use you to validate my existence

sorry im not a good person

sorry i'm not enough

sorry that i'm mean and cruel

sorry i talk about myself too much

sorry i'm always negative

sorry that i keep saying sorry

sorry sorry sorry sorry

sorry that saying sorry doesn't change the fact I don't deserve to be alive

sorry you have to be around me

sorry that i accidentally hurt you

sorry that I can't feel happy

sorry

[h4t5t0f55l]

i'm sorry we've fallen out touch it's just that i've been in a very bad spot mentally (2011-present)

[h4t5t0f55l]

honestly so confused and empty feeling

[h4t5t0f55l]

[h4t5t0f55l]

trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you trans men i love you

[h4t5t0f55l]

if you feel excluded, hurt, and threatened by the mere presence of physically disabled people, you aren’t a victim of ableism. far from it. you are the perpetrator

[h4t5t0f55l]

there are a lot of undiagnosed adults out there but i do think it's a shame that we've reached a point where having hobbies and interests past the age of 20 is seen as a touch of the tism. i know many older adults who suppress all their childish desires and throw out all their old toys and for what. are you scared of being 'weird' ? who give a shit.

[h4t5t0f55l]

"I'm here for you" - the motherfucker that leaves at the slightest sign of mental illness

[h4t5t0f55l]

this person seriously making me want to kill myself

I can't even do being in a "fandom" right

I thought it would be easier because people like the same stuff

and talking to people online is "easier"

and yet.. why do I end up doing it wrong anyway

I don't belong anywhere

people can tell there's something wrong with me and they're right to stay away.

just hurts because it feels like the more i try the more pain i feel

qhats the point in trying at all? whats the point in being alive at all?

[h4t5t0f55l]

is my bpd getting worse...

im scared it might be

I see myself falling back into old patterns

it was better when i was at uni

I was doing too much to worry about whether insert person i don't interact with on the daily liked me (its almost like daily positive interaction.affirming my identity helped me not try to seek it out from places i wouldn't find it)

people accepted my identity

and now its like.. oh haha im alone and back in the closet

and so fucking bitter about it

being home is pain because i feel hollow and unreal

being at uni is pain because i burn myself out

its all pain at this point. it never gets better for me being at the crossection of mentally ill because i need certain people to like me otherwise i might as well cease to exist and mentally ill because i can't cope with the demands of living and socialisation.

one way or another i just can't win

fuck and i really thought i was better at understanding my emotions but i was just too burnt out to care about "favourite people"

I mean my self harm issue has increased wayyy too much in the past year, i guess it doesn't matter if bpd is looking like stereotypical bpd or not. im a ball of unregulated emotions

rn that characteristic spiral that I used to be so familiar with has returned and it hurts

I got lucky not having to be as familiar with the sensation

now it just feels like regression

[h4t5t0f55l]

me: thinking i've gotten over the favourite person obsession i had about someone

then,

*they haven't responded in 2 days and i've seen them talking to other people online*

and now it's like: so maybe we're not fucking friends? maybe none of what you told me really mattered?

maybe you're right, you suck at making friends because its too much effort for you to actually try

thats what you're doing wrong

that's why none of your friendships worked out

it is your fault. you're right.

and you may be the reason i'm going tomorrow in the first place

but

I sure as hell won't make an effort to talk to you if you can't have the common decency to reply to me first. wallow in your own pain you miserable fuck you're doing this to yourself. im sick of trying and believing im the problem. I know im not entitled to you being my friend but it really feels like you don't care at all most of the time.

I thought I got past this

I thought I was better than this

I thought maybe i could convince myself it didn't matter

and yet one small thing and its like "yeah so fuck you actually"

like im not sure i even want to go to the thing tomorrow anymore

i will but, whats the point

i'll probably just end up in more anguish

what a fool i am