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[harukokittie]

Text message I didn’t send you today 4/26/2025 1:17pm

Plants spontaneously flower when they anticipate impending death, leading scientist to believe that they may be more sentient then we first thought. Imagine, plants consciously throwing out their seeds in a last bid for eternity. Beautiful

— Trista Mateer ,“I Still Forget We’re Not Even Friends”

[harukokittie]

kafka was so right i literally could have built the pyramids with the effort it has taken me to cling onto life and reason

[harukokittie]

I once stood outside this very observatory pissed off that I’d brought my friend instead of you because you’d once again gone and ruined my overly optimistic plan to make you fall in love with me. I’d planned to listen to Chopin as we swerved along the hills laughing gently as I told you the history of the surrounding mountains, you’d add tidbits here and there.. did I know Hollywood was named after the holly tree??? No?? Well yea so plentiful we’re they… I’d reach out to clasp your hand over the gear shift. You’d tell me how you’d though of climbing this one. I’d pull you close as the telescope was redirected, the creeping signaling our marked passage into eternity. I’d say I love you as I pointed out Saturns rings you’d smile broadly and repeat those words back. It was perfect and therefore destined to fail. I helped my friend out of her stylish silk jacket as she asked me to get her left side adding the photo was intended for Instagram. Fuck me sideways.

Unknown, Halley's Comet: Head, 1910

Mount Wilson Observatory

[harukokittie]

Forgotten until it’s there on the porch

♡ 

[harukokittie]

In your room there is a line of hooks to the left of the door. On unusually cold nights, during which I miss you most, like I miss my old worn sweater. You know the one, teal yarn with white specks and the big sleeves. The one you liked on me. The one that feels like home with comfort sewn into every seam. Warmth. I imagine myself being gathered at the shoulder blades, skin like fabric, carefully draped on those very hooks, that I may hang there ready to be worn like a habit. Strewn across the floor after a run… thrown across your desk… crumpled up on the little black couch, in the back seat of the car….a favorite sweater shaped by care and something feral in my chest, plus all those other things, hung upon those hooks along the left side of your door, longingly waiting for you to wear me once more. To wear me to threads the way love does your favorite sweater.

[harukokittie]

ok I take back what I’ve said about contemporary art. This is amazing.

[harukokittie]

Pour me into the pond. That I may finally rest singing against the bottom, mingling into the substrate along with all the little things down there in the dark, letting the little fishes feed on whatever is left of us in me. I welcome the decomposition for I have worked very hard in this here life and am to darn pretty to sulk all day about that Grand Canyon smile.

[harukokittie]

All things end.. We all have big red expiration dates stamped directly on to our forehead. Ours was just under 6 months not even half a year. Minutes, in the grand scheme of time. One day I’ll look back at the broken down car, overgrown grass, the rusted gate of our time together and feel nothing. Today though as the weeds creep ever closer to the peeling paint. I mourn it. Leaning against the memory. It’s already fading, slipping away like water thru your fingers it’s contents draped with small spider webs. I still ache… a small ache at first the kind you get from sitting in the car too long. Bearable at first and then slowly over time doubles you over. Tonight I’ll sit in my tub and soak in the memories, to give them life once more as the steam rises from my skin. I’m am not yet ready to let those visions leave me to rot in the ether.. Maybe the steam from my skin will make it’s way to you, so that you may feel a warm kiss before you close your eyes for the night.

Tonight I’ll dream of you once more.

[harukokittie]

My body has completely replaced every skin cell. Three times over since last we spoke, ticking off another 28 days since I last glanced your way desperate to memorize the exact shade your eyes are. Effectively I am no longer the person I was when we last kissed. The skin you touched is no longer mine, fallen and returned back to the dust from which we came, to the celestial beginnings above… if only my heart worked in the same sense. How I would love to replace the cells that keep your memory alive within me. That spell out your name on the frosted glass in my bathroom. The very cells that keep your tinder lit.

[harukokittie]

“I have been in a savage, turbulent state for some time — indulging in a sort of chronic disgust at everything & everybody —”

— Virginia Woolf, from The Complete Works of Virginia Woolf; Selected Diaries (via violentwavesofemotion)

[harukokittie]

The day after you let me walk away, I went on a hike. I couldn’t escape you on the long drive to the trail and you lingered still as I started the long trek, when I waded across the frigid waters of the river I felt numb. The cold cut at my face and ears the water like white hot knives on my naked thighs and yet reeling from you was more painful. The cold air made not a difference to me… it felt perhaps warmer to me then your words had. I sat in the hot spring letting it’s water wash me clean, wash you from me tho the mountains whispered your name at every turn. The syllables floating down the slopes of earth towards me. When the snow began to fall making the steam rise like little clouds from the pool I was in, the wispy cotton balls of condensation spelled out your name and rose into the air. I lifted my hands and caught snow in my palm, each snowflake a letter in your name. I held back tears as everyone around me gasped and awed at the rarity of snow at the hot springs. Here I was with you buzzing in my ear. My eyes are swollen shut now and I sink into the pool.. let the water cover me in its warm embrace.

You’re prob home doing homework unaware of how much you are going to linger…

[harukokittie]

A gift for a loved one. The stars spoke to me in a dream and told me to make a window to a realm we had yet to visit and this is what came

[harukokittie]

She leans over to kiss a purple lily growing in someone’s yard and oh how I love her for it. As her dark cedar bark hair tumbles forward catching the sun light in its wild waves. I imagine this is love. Right? It’s watching a girl you met less then a year ago kiss a flower. My stomach tightens….an ember of warmth escapes my lips…. laughter because you want to squeeze them so hard you hear a little pop but laughter is easier and much less risky? Ideally speaking this is love yes? In it’s grandest most mundane capacity….. this is what all those books allude too?

[harukokittie]

The Full Moon, as seen from the Yerkes Observatory, Lake Geneva, Wisconsin circa 1910.

[harukokittie]

“The Jarre was walled with mirrors, each panel framed in red neon…It took a month for the gestalt of drugs and tension he moved through to turn those perpetually startled eyes into wells of reflexive need…And now he remembered her that way, her face bathed in restless laser light, features reduced to a code.”

- William Gibson, Neuromancer

[harukokittie]

I walked down to the pier tonight It’s so foggy. I had this version in my head of what it might look like. Expectations as one does. The fog covering the pier, a romantic notion that it would look like a dream I once had. When I arrived it wasn’t at all close to what my brain had come up with. My version was so much more…. everything.

You see that’s the beauty of it all isn’t it? We Romanticize it all and then cry when the colors don’t match. You are not what I imagined and never were. You’re much more and yet not at all…..My passion is not for you but for the you in the depths of my mind, a you created from the pages I’ve read and the men I’ve met… A you that doesn’t really exist. Not in this version of the world. This is a place and nothing more. I miss you like one would miss a winter which is silly, really, because the cold will kill you lulling you to sleep forever but I suppose also means family and hot tea with tablespoons of honey. Blankets and Your hands in mine like that night on the pier. The way you brought my icy hands up to your lips. Eyes like burning sapphires looking to mine as you exhaled warmth in a puff of white breath back into my cold emotionless body. Did it even happen that way??? Doubtful. My mind likes to wrap memories up with crimson ribbons, presenting them as if they weren’t gilded knives in my back, inching ever closer to my jugular.

[harukokittie]

I’ve had a cold for weeks it seems. My throat feels like there’s a lump in there. I spit and hack and spit. I drink warm tea and still it lingers. My chest hurts…. My body engulfed in flames. Then I wonder if this fever is just my body fighting you off with everything it’s got. Sometimes I wonder why you came at all. There is no lesson to be had, no words of wisdom. My hands are still full of splinters…under each and every ring… I reach out only to meet radio silence…. This feels akin to glass scraping across my knees, glass might be a welcome pain compared to this. You came, you went and now I’m falling asleep in the back seat of the car, slipping away like one does while being a passenger, wondering if any part of me stayed in you. If you too seek me out in the starry skies, the moon and the waves crashing against the rocks that make up my rib cage….I’ll never know… I drift away. The asphalt that we’re driving on swallows me whole.