havenofangelica - Tumblr blog

[havenofangelica]

vent #7

god i hate being hypersexual. it ruins everything for me. i wish there were a cure or some shit that could stop me from ever experiencing it. i fucking hate the person who groomed me. fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[havenofangelica]

vent #6

how fitting is it that the only people who cared to follow me aren't even people. i find it really funny.

[havenofangelica]

vent #5

tw for eds and s/cidal thoughts

i had a small lunch and now im not even eating dinner bc im too done with everything to go into the kitchen. it's not like i need it anyway. my parents think im worthless and they say that im a failure. i had to move back home and this has happened every single week. it comes out of nowhere too. i just want to be happy again. my stomach hurts and i know that i cant do anything about it, which makes it hurt more. i dont need it, i dont need it, i dont need it. i can get through without it. im so exhausted from this extensive emotional abuse. if it werent for my boyfriend, id already be dead by now, being blown around by the wind in the sea. my mind glamorizes the worst of things just to cope with the fact that i am alive. id rather be anywhere else than in this hell. i'm abused and hungry. i jsut want to be happy.

[havenofangelica]

vent #4

so it turns out that i'm failing 3 college courses and not just one. i was already going to have to stay for a whole other year anyway but that just makes everything 10x harder to pay for. and if my parents find out, i'm getting kicked out of the house. idk what i'll do. i've let everyone down.

[havenofangelica]

vent #3

i really don't wanna deal with this choir concert tn. it's just going to remind me of the fact that my grandma can't be there because she's gone. i hate that. my parents won't even be there because of the severe weather. i'd rather hear the calming booms of thunder and watch the raindrops paint my window sill instead of singing and crying for 4 hours straight like i did last night.

[havenofangelica]

vent post 2

TW: edible consumption, school stress, brief mention of verbal abuse, death mention

i just ate 4 edibles and am currently eating cinnamon toast crunch and freaking out because i have to memorize 5 songs tomorrow and i also realized that im failing another class which means im being held back ANOTHER semester, which means that my parents will hate me and verbally abuse me for my stupidity. i didn't tell them yet because my grandma just died and all of the emotions are so raw rn. im so fucked.

[havenofangelica]

i am actually insane

im literally treating my stuffed animal cow as a living, breathing thing because i'm lonely, even though i have friends and a bf. i made it a bed, i'm talking to it, i'm giving it sips of alcohol. why am i like this

[havenofangelica]

vent poem #1

i am but a doll.

people place me wherever, people dress me and think themselves superior, or clever. people play with me in odd ways, people break me, i'm on my last days.

on my own, i'm not supposed to feel, on my own, i'm not supposed to be real. on my own, i'm not supposed to heal, on my own, i'm not supposed to squeal.

but i do all of these things and more, silence and a smile isn't what i was made for. when my porcelain shatters against the floor, maybe then will my life feel like less of a chore.

people think of me whatever, they judge me, and think themselves superior, or clever. people pray for me in odd ways, people break me, i'm just in a haze

i will be lively. i will be strong. i will be thought of highly, i will be making that sure my life is long.

they're going to remember me as pathetic, they're going to remember me as a toy. i will remain empathetic, i won't remain coy.

it's time to haunt those who have haunted me, it's time for my blind soul to finally see. it's time for me to feel fucking free, it's time for me to be my own devotee.

i am not a doll.

i will carry on, and do my best to fix myself piece by piece before dawn. maybe later then that, because healing takes time, never is it easy, like making a rhyme. of all the things that i've been through, today i swear, to mine own self will i be true. after all that has occured, day after day, i will be heard. onward, my time is almost gone, life is a short phenomenon. love, strength, and hope is all i need.

despite my setbacks, i will succeed.

[havenofangelica]

vent #1

TW: mentions of near gun violence, SA, emotional abuse, gr00ming, depersonalization, derealization, death, attempted su1c*de

i hope people understand that the picture above is sarcasm.

anyways, screw it. screw aesthetic bullshit. that's not how real life is at all anyway. that's not how mine was. this shit is NOTHING to actively want or be glorified. this entire blog is meant for me to let it all out with a comfortable layout. i don't care about fucking borders or fonts anymore. im done. let me tell you about the shit i've had to put up with.

my childhood was taken away from me by my dad. he held a gun to my mom's head and almost killed her in front of 7 year-old me's eyes after MY FUCKING CHOIR CONCERT. i remember it vividly, and everyone i know thinks that i made it up in my mind or that it never happened. IT DID. I REMEMBER IT. for obvious reasons i never want to talk about it with my family again after how they dismissed it. That started all of my hell. Then, my dad kissed me on the lips when i was 11 when i told him that i didn't want to. my mom said that "families with different cultures do it all the time". i don't even know anymore. i didn't want it. Speaking of my mom, I'm pretty sure I found her suicide note at like 10, but i don't want to delve into specifics about that. She didn't do it, thank god.

eventually, my childhood nearly came to an end. in middle school, i almost died due to an allergic reaction to a vaccine. i had to detox for three months. i'm fine now but i still shake violently sometimes and have to deal with that stupid side effect. the doctor's dismissed it as PTSD, but it can't be that, bc even AFTER the traumatic BS, i never shook like that in my life. but, immediately after i got the shot, i started shaking. make it make sense, fucking USA healthcare.

my freshman year of high school, i was a doe. i was an innocent creature who only thought of soft music and comforting things. of course i was an easy target for predators. i didn't know any better. so i was as shocked as the deer in the fucking headlights when someone who i considered to be a friend (i was 14, he was 19) started grooming me. he only befriended me to get in my pants. he tried picking me up one day after school, and i thought he thrusted himself against me. this resulted in scarred me calling the cops. they didn't do much but order that he should stay away from me and not touch me again. i went to the school, my principal just said "boys will be boys" and moved on. of course we didn't listen to the cops, i was a pathetic, hopeless romantic who wanted to keep talking to him, his tactics fucking worked on me. he continued to sext me for a year, and my parents found out and took away my phone for an entire summer. it was honestly relieving. on the last day of school sophomore year, shit hit the fan again. he entranced me, so i talked to him then, and he made out with me. i haven't told my parents this because i never want them to know. i felt so dirty and ashamed after. it hurt.

once that whole thing ended and he "graduated" (fucking finally), i blocked him and focused on my friends. this one friend i had was manipulative, and would always paint what i liked and who i was in a bad light. i would try to help them with their many "health" problems, and they would dismiss it and complain more. bitches like that can't be helped, i guess. eventually, i had enough. i said something that i deeply regret towards another friend who knew them, and she ended up telling the manipulative friend what i said. they sent a selfie of them hanging out without me, and then proceeded to tell me what a horrible friend i had been the past three years. i blocked them all. it still carried on when the manipulative friend started shit-talking me to my sister, who had nothing to do with it. that erupted into a giant fight over DMs, and we eventually cut each other off. i feel really lonely when my sisters hang out with their friends that they've had for so long, because i had to ditch the one's i knew the longest. luckily, i have one best friend and boyfriend who i know will love, help, and inspire me always now. phone calls and texts will have to do until we can finally live with each other, though.

anyways, while all of the friend drama was going on, i was dealing with an abusive ex. we would always get into fights, i can't remember exactly over what. i just remember people telling me to get out of the relationship asap. he would only love me when he smoked weed, so that was fun. we were on and off, but i finally broke things off when he said that acid was good for you. to each their own, but high school me wasn't having that.

transition to freshman year of college. i had just graduated, and was looking to make new friends. i had made a couple, two i still actively keep in touch with and am really good friends with to this day. i met a guy, and long story short, he SAed me. I wanted to stop doing something, and he forcefully made me keep doing it. When i left, i sobbed like a bitch. I felt so worthless, like i was only an object. I felt like I was good for nothing but sexual acts. My roommate (one of my good friends) saw me afterwards, and comforted me. His assault would eventually land him fired and hated amongst students at my small college, so that's good, at least.

Okay, now go to March, junior year, 2021. I'm in a sorority, things are looking up. Then, I had a complete mental shut down. I don't even know how. I wasn't living on my sorority hall at that time due to my declining mental health. I said this in chapter (I can't really remember what the context was), and this one girl stands up and looks at me while addressing all of my sisters in the chapter room. She said that our hall could get removed if not enough sisters live on it, which is total BS. I teared up and left. Later on, I turned so suicidal to the extent to where people had to come in my dorm to check on me. One day, something snapped. I was hanging out with my bf, and we had a minor disagreement, it wasn't even that big of a deal. But for some reason, i thought it was. i told him that when i got to my dorm, i would OD on pain meds and kill myself. he called the police, who then escorted me to the hospital. they wanted to admit me to the mental floor, and my parents knew i was crazy bc i hadn't been getting sleep, apparently. i asked to leave, and i asked for water, even, but they wouldnt work with me. apparently, while i was in the hospital room, my dad said that i was worthless, fat, and that i would go nowhere in life. i didn't find this out until after the fact, when my bf, who was sitting by him at the hospital, told me.

now, my grandma just died. she helped me through so much and now i can never talk to her again. and there's a load of family drama behind that that i don't even want to get into.

now, i'm listening to music and realizing that the only reason i'm alive is just to keep my little sister and my bf happy. i genuinely resent who i am. people call me strong for going through all of this, but i feel weaker than ever. i'm honestly feeling suicidal again, knowing that i can't die because both my family and my boyfriend need me. but the pressure and weight of everything feels like so much. it sucks to live through. i'm just so tired of disappointing everyone. i need to take care of my mental health, but i'm afraid i'll be deemed "lazy" if i do. my family never really prioritized mental health at all, so now mine is, to this day, rapidly decreasing. i can't afford therapy. i don't like the counseling service at my school because every time i go, i feel judged. hell, my counselor even asked me why i still go there. like, why do you THINK i go there? anywho. i called the support line my school has several times and someone is constantly trying to call me back at inopportune times (lunch, night, in class). luckily, i have my phone off, but still. idk what to even do. i feel so worthless. my boyfriend knows about my trauma, but i can't always vent to him, and my family follow my venting insta, so i have to talk about everything here. it just sucks.

sorry for trauma dumping, i needed to let it out. this'll probably get taken down anyway, don't worry.

[havenofangelica]

♡ intro ♡

➽─────────────────────────────────────────────────❥

hey, i'm angelica. i was told that i should have some sort of outlet for my vents, so this blog will be just that. it will contain potentially triggering content, so if that bothers you, just ignore this entire thing and move on.

this is your warning.

here's a little bit about me. ♥ ➽─────────────────────────────────────────────────❥

General Information

Name: Angela

Age: 21

Gender: Female (AFAB)

Pronouns: She/Her

Personality: Quiet, Curious, Sad.

 ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ . ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ . ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧

Favorite Things

Favorite Color: Grey

Favorite Book: Alice in Wonderland

Favorite Song: Any song by Lycia or Nicole Dollanganger

Favorite Food: Angel Food Cake

 ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ . ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ . ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧

Interests

Hobbies: Singing, Writing, Journaling, Poetry

Aesthetic: Gloomy Coquette ???

Likes: Foggy days, Stuffed Animals, Nostalgia, Distractions, My boyfriend, Cozy things, Ghosts, Angels

Dislikes: Discrimination, Manipulation, My Childhood Being Taken Away From Me.

➽─────────────────────────────────────────❥

End.

➽─────────────────────────────────────────❥