honeybeartact - Tumblr blog

[honeybeartact]

ode to lover

a certain scent will bring me back to her her dark hair her gentle eyes that i want to kiss the way she reaches for my hand and how perfectly they fit i lie in my bed at night, imagining her sitting above me looking at me with those eyes those eyes that are so gentle and beautiful and those lips i want all over me

[honeybeartact]

a decade

I really like how tumblr/IG never change. Skinny white blonde women will always be the most delicate and the most aesthetic. Seriously fuck all these blogs on here littered with just these skinny girls. Your aesthetic is weird as fuck and you're weird as fuck.

[honeybeartact]

today around 12:45

There was a date I realized I had forgotten. November, my father's birthday. Birthday's were never a big deal in my family but surprisingly to me it always was. I loved feeling special on my day and I loved making others feel special on their day. And so I realized that his birthday had passed only 3 days ago.

God, he's a stranger to me. It felt like a joke, how could someone who I saw every day for the first twelve years of my life become a stranger. I almost choked on the lump in my throat. There's nothing worse than feeling like you're actively hurting your parents.

I kept playing this image of him looking at the date and saying, "it's my birthday" and having memories of his past birthday's celebrated with me, and his wife, and his other kids flooding his brain. It must be painful. It is to me.

I remembered the random text he sent me about a month ago, and how I did not reply. Am I the one who's avoidant, is it my fault?

I wonder if he still sees me as his little girl.

[honeybeartact]

alone (in this moment)

Second place, I'm always second place thats generous, maybe fourth or actually fifth. Am I stupid? To long for more? longing for more love, all the love, it isn't enough I know I'm worth more.

I'm worth more than an in-genuine "how are you"

I'm worth more than a "sorry I just saw this"

Although maybe I'm just not as pleasant as I think maybe I'm a little too loud or a little too awkward

or a little too embarrassing.

I used to want to be remembered after I die but now I hope I'm remembered while I'm still alive. I wish I got the love that I give

I wish people saw me the way I see them

But they don't I don't think they see me at all.

[honeybeartact]

my love

my limbs ache for the love I was promised at birth. why am I not enough, why do I always crave more?

Selfish of me to think I deserve more

but everyone thinks it, I really am just like everyone else I am dust.

I can be so mean sometimes, I can't help it, none of this makes any fucking sense.rnoksownosmoaksdjesusfrnowslalsdwelrenlts

it hurts my insides to cry like this

[honeybeartact]

Man

We walked through a hardware store a Man began to bark, I assume to scare us he walks around us, as to insult us you're so much stronger than me you're so tough you look like an idiot.

Go fuck yourself.

[honeybeartact]

Mother

I can be so cruel to my mother. It could be unresolved issues, trauma, maybe just genetics. Or maybe I am just a horrible human being. She has never done anything to hurt me. She can be confused sometimes but has never laid a finger on me and I cannot say she has intentionally hurt my feelings. We have similar personalities, awkward, silent at the wrong times, hesitant, unopinionated, unoriginal, over confident. I want to think of her as someone who lost her way. Who had been hurt so many times that she has given up on trying to fight against it. Which is why it is so easy for me to say "i hate you" but i love you. If I lost you I would not find a reason to continue. I wouldnt be able to survive every day without you even if your ignorant comments stab my heart at times. I hate that there was never anyone to protect her, and I will never be able to as I am someone who needs to be protected as well. I hate that I turned out so much like you, but I fight to not be. why couldnt i be grateful. I compare my life to others and its really not that bad. Just because I disagree with my mother, like humans do very often, I;m special. I have issues I have problems you wouldnt understand, you would never get. I am the center of the universe and i cant hurt other people only they can hurt me. only they can annoy me only she can hurt me. I am so sorry for all the times i screamed at you and all the times i cursed your name and all the times i treated you like you were less than human because you are just human. just trying to get by with what you got. making wrong decisions but also making right ones. maybe i wont ever get your full support or your full love or the things i need but i am sorry if i felt like you didn't deserve those things too.