hoomler

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I done did The Fly (1986) this week!

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lorde writing ribs when she was 16

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Polite Society

Jon Kobler was fed up. Jon Kobler had taken about as much as he could take. Jon Kobler couldn’t take it any more. Before making the decision to change every single thing in his life-- large and small, monumental and insignificant, everything -- for the worse, Jon Kobler felt something he had never felt before. A nefarious thought krept from the prehistoric depths of Jon Kobler’s mind. The thought was simple and confusing at first to Jon Kobler who had graduated a four-year university in four years and earned a degree to prove it. The confusing, nefarious thought sounded like an honest question asked by a young child to which Jon, a 38-year-old child, had surprisingly no logical answer. The thought was this:

“Why don’t they?”

Jon Kobler, who was fed up and couldn’t take it anymore, seethed in his car, which had no working A/C unit due to the heat, listening to this thought as though it were a new hit single. “Coming to you on your commute home or wherever you listeners may be, stay tuned!” Jon mused to himself on what would have been his commute home. Jon Kobler, of course, would not make it home tonight. By no fault of his own, at least he believed this to be so, Jon had unwittingly found himself on the receiving end of what drivers in the 20th Century in the United States of America refer to as gridlock. In order to understand Jon’s mental state at this time on this day -- and more importantly, why Jon chose to ruin his own life -- it is important to know what is a Dirtbag.

Once upon a time, the world was a terrible place. The reason the world was so awful all the time is Dirtbags. Dirtbags roamed wherever they pleased, eating what they want, fucking who they want, taking what they want, having what they want all the time. Nobody could do anything about the Dirtbags because the Dirtbags could change what they look like, sound like, act like and hide in plain sight. Another reason nobody could do anything about the Dirtbags is because their natural enemy, Kind Folk, were powerless. Kind Folk could do many great and impressive things, especially when in large groups, but Dirtbags could ruin and even undo anything Kind Folk created. If Kind Folk made rules to keep people safe and happy, Dirtbags broke those rules to get ahead and so on. Eventually, nothing changed and the Dirtbags became very wealthy and the Kind Folk became very quiet. The End.

Most stories that begin with “once upon a time” and continue with “the world was a terrible place” end with the world getting better by some heroic or divine act. Jon did not believe in stories like that. As a young child, Jon believed in stories with morals and happy endings and heroes who get what they deservedly earned. Now a 38-year-old child, what some members of polite society affectionately refer to as an Adult, Jon believed in the things he observed. Here are some of the things Jon observed between being a young child and being an Adult:

Age 2 - Jon witnesses a hit-and-run involving a drunk driver and an old man. Jon has no recollection of this event.

Age 9 - Jon is bitten at SeaWorld in Orlando, FL and develops a semi-irrational fear of of seagulls.

Age 12 - Jon’s best friend’s older brother shows Jon and his best friend porn for the first time.

Age 15 - Jon’s best friend shoots himself in the head while drunk

Age 16 - Jon is tackled from behind by a “friend” at high school. This is the last sound Jon’s left ear ever hears.

Age 17 - Jon loses his virginity to Alice Hopkins, a full-time waitress at Corky’s Bar & Grill. She is 29-years-old when they have sex in the back of her father’s Honda Odyssey.

Age 18 - Jon’s best friend’s father dies. The funeral is the day Jon leaves for college.

Age 21 - Jon breaks his right leg in three places during his 21st birthday party after being goaded to climb a fence.

Age 23 - Jon’s father is killed by an armed robber fleeing the scene of a crime.

Age 24 - Jon leaves home after deciding he is incapable of caring for his mother. He arranges for a nurse to come by 3 times a week. He knows this is not enough.

Age 26 - Jon is diagnosed with clinical depression during a routine checkup.

Age 27 - Jon’s car is stolen after a job interview.

Age 30 - Jon celebrates his 30th birthday by getting drunk alone.

And so on.

Now, Jon was sitting in his “new” car, which was a 2004 Volvo S60 he bought sight-unseen, staring at a Dirtbag in profile. Above the Dirtbag’s car, which was a stunningly clean 2017 Lexus RX, shone a green light. In America, it is widely understood that green means go and Jon was stopped.

“Why don’t they?”

Jon had of course been presented with opportunities to cause gridlock himself -- to transform into a Dirtbag. Jon believed everyone had an unspoken duty to choose not to be a Dirtbag, when given the opportunity. Jon believed Kind Folk had an unspoken duty to choose to remain Kind Folk.

“I don’t cause gridlock. I look ahead. I think, then act. I follow the rules. Why don’t they?” This thought and its cousins paraded through Jon’s head as he continued to stare into the right ear of the Dirtbag in the Lexus. Jon was tired and sweaty. The Dirtbag looked carefree and cool, like he had no regard for the crime that was being flagrantly committed in public. The other drivers, pedestrians, employees on their smoke breaks didn’t seem to notice or care about this afront to polite society happening in broad daylight. Jon laughed out loud. There was nothing polite about society. There were no more Kind Folk. The Dirtbags made them extinct.

Jon Kobler was fed up. Jon Kobler had taken about as much as he could take. Jon Kobler couldn’t take it any more. Jon lifted his right leg off the brake pedal. Jon brought his foot down on the gas pedal. Gasoline poured into the engine and tiny explosions propelled his vehicle forward. A loud crunch and the dazzling sprinkle of broken glass filled eyes and ears. Though the space between the front of Jon’s car and the passenger side of the Dirtbag’s car couldn’t have been more than twenty feet, Jon Kobler drove into the Lexus at a full forty-five miles per hour.

[hoomler]

Qyll or Be Qylled

Far beyond our solar system, lies a similarly spiral galaxy north of what earthlings once called the Horsehead Nebula. This galaxy’s sun is called Alnitak, which is a real star, though I can’t say with absolute certainty that it houses a spiral galaxy in reality. Much like our own sun, Alnitak provides light and energy for all living things close enough to enjoy its rays, but not so close as to perish from their intense heat. One of the more modest celestial bodies occupies this middle area and, thusly, enjoys a large population of peaceful creatures. I’ve chosen to call this quiet planet Qyller, because it is unclear how you would pronounce such a name.

The creatures of Qyller are numerous and disparate. What is special about Qyller, besides being an alien planet full of alien creatures, is almost every single creature is sentient. Creatures similar to our cats, creatures resembling our elephants, creatures as tall as our skyscrapers, creatures as tiny as our lice, creatures of all configurations on Qyller live fully aware, subjective lives. While all creatures are sentient, the most intelligent creatures are the human-like Esrers. Esrers long ago created language, a system of rules to govern themselves, infrastructure and all the big boring things that make intelligent creatures’ lives so nice. Some Esrers even keep other equally sentient, albeit less intelligent creatures as pets to keep them company and entertain them. Other Esrers think this is cruel to the sentient creatures of Qyller. Some Esrers believe all creatures should be free to live their lives as they please. This difference of ideologies is the main conflict among the intelligent creatures of the planet Qyller.

One day, a new creature was discovered that would forever change the way Esrers lived. It happened on a day that earthlings have come to call Valentine's’ Day. As is tradition on Earth, Valentine’s Day takes place on the forty-fifth day of their year and celebrates a massacre that occurred during a historical period in Earth history called Prohibition. None of this matters to the Esrers on Qyller or the newly discovered creature, of course. Esrer scientists were excavating a site beneath one of their largest oceans. The excavation unsealed the entrance to a long-undisturbed undersea cave. Esrers all over Qyller listened, read, and watched as the scientist reported for weeks on their findings. The announcement all Esrers were secretly hoping for finally came: a new creature was discovered. This new creature was not sentient -- the first of its kind.

[hoomler]

I Thought, I Thought

Owen Riley was going to be twenty-eight this Friday. What are you so worried about? He had survived twenty-seven years and three-hundred sixty-two days until this point without even trying, after all. Why suddenly worry you won’t make it? His friends had all confirmed they would be there. Kaitlyn even traded shifts with her friend so she could make it. He had worked hard to ensure a fun night was waiting for him at the end of the week. Try to relax, OK? Hey! Are you listening to me?

“It’s not like I have a choice.” spat Owen. Now how do you think that makes me feel? “Shitty, I hope. Leave me alone, OK?” OK. But I had an idea for how you could tell Kaitlyn. You know, when we’re talking again. “Humph.” Owen barely replied.

Owen Riley had a unique relationship with the voice in his head. Unlike most people who enjoy a version of their own voice in their head or at least a voice they recognize as originating somewhere within themselves, the voice in Owen’s head was foreign to him. It always had been.

Since before Owen could talk, he had had a voice in his head. Owen never had any reason to suspect anything was wrong with him. The thought never occurred to him that he might have schizophrenia or dissociative identity disorder. He certainly never imagined that an alien the size of Canada on a planet twenty-million light years from Earth had a device capable of beaming messages faster than light over the cosmos directly into a human being’s mind. No, Owen merely believed he was the same as every other person walking around. Since nobody else talked about the unrecognizable voices in their heads, he figured he’d do the same and keep it to himself (and his voice). The unknowable truth of the situation was that Owen was not schizophrenic, nor did he have dissociative identity disorder, but something was indeed terribly wrong with Owen. The alien the size of Canada was real. It had a name, which was unpronounceable. It had a home, which was unseeable. It even had a device capable of beaming messages faster than light over the cosmos directly into a human being’s mind. The device was the size of Oakland, but bore little resemblance. For reasons nobody on Earth would ever live to understand, the Canada-sized alien cared about Owen. Long ago the alien discovered the device underneath one of its colossal couch cushions. Once activated, and tuned to a certain frequency, the alien became the first voice Owen heard in his own head. The alien felt a peculiar responsibility over this seemingly random event ever since.

Now, as Owen made the short walk from his office to his car, the alien reached out to his surrogate companion.

[hoomler]

We’re talking Ghoulies (1985) on this week’s episode of The Gory Days. Aaaahhhhh!!!

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The day is long and full of boredom.

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¡Feliz día de los Muertos! Halloween may be over, but The Gory Days are here to stay! Listen to the first episode of my new podcast today!

[hoomler]

I feel the moral of “The Ugly Duckling” is often misconstrued. In the story, the titular ugly duckling realizes (s)he’s special when (s)he incidentally grows up into a conventionally attractive swan.

The lesson is supposed to be about trying to be something you aren’t. Realizing what makes you special (being a swan, in reality) instead of what makes you worse (being ugly by duckling standards) is the message.

But I feel the moral is misunderstood as: It’s ok, time heals all wounds and who knows? You might grow up to be beautiful/intelligent/better someday.

Maybe it’s just me.

[hoomler]

[hoomler]

Dr. Strange in a du-rag.

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Guess where this hotdog is...

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[hoomler]

Hello friends! I was on and episode of the PodComics Webcast this month, and thought I’d share with my Tumblr followers! I talk to David Daneman (of the webcomic The Danemen) about old comics, upcoming comics, and comics that will probably never ever come to fruition.

He’s had plenty of other really cool (objectively cooler than me) guests, so be sure to listen to the other episodes, and subscribe! 

Listen to the full episode here. 

[hoomler]

Fun Time

I used to spend long Summer days in my room looking up lyrics and chords to They Might Be Giants songs, singing and playing along on my crappy electronic-keyboard. I used to look back on those days and lament the time I wasted doing that for hours. I had fun then and that's all that matters.

[hoomler]

The Scenes They Are a-Changing

Once upon a time, you’d see a TV show you enjoy during a live broadcast. If you liked that show enough, you may have even bought the DVD (or VHS) so you could relive that show over and over again in the comfort of your own home. There, the episodes would live on exactly how you remember them, forever unchanged. In this golden age of streaming, services like Netflix and Hulu are destroying the constants on which we avid TV show viewers relied.

If you saw the Family Guy episode “And Then There Were Fewer” last year on Netflix, for example, you would have to finish the story with the “Part 2″ episode that follows. If you decided to watch that same season opener on Netflix today, it is now a single, 45-min episode. More importantly, this is a re-edit of the episode with additional dialogue and completely new, previously unseen jokes. Bob’s Burgers episode “Carpe Museum” originally featured Tina Belcher and Henry Haber’s second interaction on the bus ending with them each thinking “This is going to be harder than I thought” before cutting. Now, the scene continues to a close up of Tina thinking “Robots? But that does give me a idea for my next erotic fan fiction. Ro-butts.”

I grew up loving TV and movies. I grew up owning my favorites on VHS and DVD. I memorized those episodes. I would quote and reference my favorite lines all the time. They were a constant in my life I didn’t know I needed. No matter how unpredictable life was, my nigh-photographic memories of my favorite shows remained unchanged. There was a point in time where I could close my eyes and “watch” Steve Oedekerk’s “Thumb Wars” to pass the time - THAT’S how much I’d memorized. Now that any given episode is prone to re-edits at any given moment, two things are achieved: 1) It feels like I’m watching these episodes for the first time again and 2) I can no longer quote and reference with confidence.

Please let sleeping dogs lie.