i11a11i-blog

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last post goes with this song and this old/new photo, kinda. a mashup of love and worry and agony of the cares of the present moment. soul searching and belief that things happen for a reason but a tendency to feel like i'm always biting off more than i can chew. a reverence for my son as a unique and starry soul whose personality remains an unfolding mystery and somehow memory. a compulsion to record the feelings and perceptions of the word/world. but also a note to self, more than anything. that is where my concept of art begins, and ends. never be above reproach. as much as is possible, be at peace with every human. do in fact be grateful and be bold to show/express it where you can. to friends, to loved ones, to strangers. the lessons i want to instill but am still learning. it remains a balance

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song for 11

what does it /feel/ like to be you

on the inside does it feel like roiling and boiling changing churning blurring lines and apertures

ah! diminuendo to

per- spect- -ive , we've, been given a chance to weave ourselves closer please see

this/me nothing will be

im- perfect? & never too busy for to dance with you

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untitled

faces like amber

like creatures trapped mid-motion

each feature its own sweet face

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aesthetic 🖤

✨lgbtq blog✨

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<this mauve and brilliant gore> •sketching out some looks•

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I am not sorry for who I had to become in order to survive.

Schuyler Peck (via wordsnquotes)

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obsessed with microscopic struggles (at Spokane, Washington)

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morbid introspection @leonard cohen o'clock

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plague

i drink so deeply of these drugs when i am alone mere hope is one of the substances that clouds my brain in happiness nostalgia dismembers alone i sit with this insidious knowledge my teeth hurt by now why'd you let me eat from that tree , mother, why'd you show me this dark spot in this mirror now i see it in every one why'd you let me see you struggle against that bitter seed and now, anger spews from your once benevolent lips at the sight of me fleeing from that same struggle pounding against these same walls that kept you in you were stronger than i am, maybe, but maybe i am stronger now than you were then stronger who wins /strong/est can't both be can't we just be kind ears

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tough truths

Self harm is :

•making yourself sleep deprived •making yourself cold (not wearing warm clothes in the winter, sleeping without a blanket etc) •not eating •not drinking •eating too much •not looking before crossing the street •scratching •letting your skin be dry & break easily •picking at skin •over-exercising •substance abuse •over-working yourself •making yourself go out and do things even though you’re exhausted •putting yourself in anxiety-inducing situations (even if you have a choice to stay out of them) •triggering yourself •purposefully angering someone who you know will yell at you •entering relationships you don’t want to be in/being around people you don’t want to be around •having sex when you don’t want to •setting yourself punishments •not giving yourself time •not letting yourself spend time with the people you love & know will be good to you •yelling at yourself inside your head •pinching or bruising yourself instead of cutting •cutting •holding everything in even when you have the option of venting •over stressing •over thinking •staying in abusive relationships (friend wise or romantically)

STOP assuming that self-harm is visible and easy to notice. It’s NOT. Self harm isn’t always physical, it can be emotional, and mental as well

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rifling

so many remnants , emotions, -viscera- encased in maybelline so we memorize the past

i was there and there, and there

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romanticizing depression or any kind of mental illness is 100% one of the fucking stupidest most pathetic wastes of time in my life currently, and self-sabotaging as hell, but often seems like the only way to feel any sort of lightness in the middle of the shitstorm of confusion. life is really, really hard right now and i'm getting through it with all the lightness i can muster. but sometimes i think it must look strange from the outside. also i'm super homesick. so here's a picture of me in an outfit i improvised that i ended up loving (at Deaconess Hospital)

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tristful

new favorite word

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troubles

i spend a lot of time wishing i could forget big chunks of my life. the memories are so vivid and distracting - haunting. yet simultaneously knowing that my greatest fear would be to die of alzheimer's. i feel like some strange patchwork of other people's lives. so easily can i inhabit personalities - motives, idiosyncrasies, ideals, desires. everything is a stage and i change costumes gladly. rashly. in the end it all comes round to duality again. it's always both, together, parallel and indifferent.