iamprettyconfused-blog

[iamprettyconfused-blog]

Oh dear

Annnnnnnnnnd here come the ‘trap’ nsfw blogs liking my stuff because I’ve tagged it using ‘mtf’ or ‘trans’ or whatever. Only took 3 posts, not bad. Gross. No shame on people exploring their sexuality however they see fit but keep your self-loathing slur use away from me please.

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Progress

I finally got around to speaking to a doctor about my gender issues. I live in the UK and have no money for private, so it’s the NHS for me. Got on the waiting list for the GIC nearby. It’s 20 months, which gives me the better part of 2 years to work on my presentation and figure out what I want. The referral process was pretty horrible. About 20 minutes of very intense questioning, very probing and personal. Wasn’t expecting it. I think it feels a bit like being grilled like that has thrown my head out, I’m back to questioning myself and self-doubting. Just yesterday I felt so self assured about all this, and now I’m feeling confused again. I think it’s just anxiety but it’s still pretty sucky.

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Why can’t I hold all these feels

Stayed up late last night to try and work through some of the stuff I’ve been feeling, just sat having a think really. Eventually I kind of zoned out, was just listening to music, and it came onto some Amanda Palmer.  For a while now, comparing myself to cis women has been a real source of dysphoria. Either feeling jealous or inadequate is how it usually goes. Makes me think; 'What right do I have identifying as a woman? For actual women, it just comes naturally. There must be something wrong with me' Obviously that’s ridiculous. It’s internalized transphobia, I’d never apply the same logic to other people. It’s just self loathing. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, though, and it doesn’t stop me feeling that way. For whatever reason though, last night a penny dropped. I just didn’t go down that road for some reason. Instead, I had this overwhelming feeling of ‘I am like her’. It’s obviously more abstract than that, but that’s how I’d best describe how I felt. I didn’t mean our experiences were exactly the same or even that we are particularly comparable, I just felt very strongly that I was of the same gender as her. I’ve tried to word exactly how they felt a few times and I’m not sure I can put it into words. It was very personal and intense. Confusing but empowering, to keep it brief. It made me cry for the first time in years. I’ve been able to shed the odd tear, but last night it was like years of repression started to fall away and I just sat there and let myself feel it. The fear, the despair, the anger; all of it. Eventually it felt good, I was letting myself cry and I didn’t know I had that in me anymore. I expect there’s more to come but I woke up this morning feeling refreshed from it. Still in a really hard place but I guess a bit more hopeful than I was, which is something. Still have no idea on how to act on any of these realizations of myself. Avoiding thinking about transition for now, out of fear rather than anything else.

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Based contra is based Guessing this has been posted here elsewhere but I’ve not seen it to reblog, so have a re-upload instead

[iamprettyconfused-blog]

Mandatory intro post

This is a tumblr I made to get my thoughts on paper. I am not really concerned if people read it or not, but if you do feel free to weigh in on anything I might say. I am AMAB, I’ve been questioning my gender for a few years. I went through a period of considering myself non-binary, but I currently feel binary female and think the non-binary feels might have just been another layer of repression. I am not sure if that’s the end point of my questioning or not.  Watch this space for more confused posting, please do drop me an ask if you have anything to say.