ijustneedaplacethaticanventat

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

אני מצטערת

אני מצטערת שהמשכתי

מצטערת שלא דיברתי עלייך יותר

שלא הדבקתי את הפרצוף שלך בכל מקום

שלא סיפרתי לכל בן אדם שפגשתי עלייך

זה כאב לי

אבל זה היה אנוכי

היית בן אדם מדהים הגיע לך שכולם ידעו עלייך שכולם יראו את החיוך שלך

אני מצטערת שלא ניסיתי להכיר אותך יותר

שלא דיברתי יותר בשיחות שהיו לנו

שלא צילמתי יותר

שלא חוויתי יותר

אני מצטערת

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

נמאס לי להכיר אנשים שמתים

ואני יודעת שאני צריכה להגיד תודה שזה לא אנשים מהמעגל הראשון שלי ולהגיד תודה שזה לא יותר גרוע

כי אני יודעת שזה יכול להיות הרבה יותר גרוע

אבל נמאס לי לשמוע שמות שאני מכירה

שמות שאני יודעת שאם הייתי שומעת אותם עוד כמה שנים היה לוקח לי זמן להיזכר מי הם ועדיין זה כואב

כי כרגע אני מכירה אותם או הכרתי אותם

אפשר בכלל לעשות משהו בלשון הווה עם מישהו שלא פה?

זה כואב לי וזה לא נגמר

וכואב לי על אחרים

וזה נהיה משתק בבום

והכל נהיה טריגר

כל כאב שלא קשור לזה נהיה קשור כי זה מתקשר להכל עכשיו

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

הוא התאבד השבוע

זה כנראה אפילו לא היה קשור לבסיס

אני בקושי מכירה אותו

שאמרו לי את השם אפילו לא קפץ לי פרצוף

אבל אז שמעתי את הכינוי שלו וראיתי את הפרצוף

ואז נזכרתי

נזכרתי בחיוך

באופטימיות

בשמחת חיים

ונכון לא הכרתי אותו טוב אבל איך בן אדם שידוע בשמחה שלו מגיע למצב כזה

וגם אחריי ששמעתי פרטים והבנתי שזה יותר מסובך ושזה בעיות נפשיות שהוא מתמודד איתן שנים זה עדיין לא היה לי הגיוני

הוא אמור להיות שמח וחזק אמורה להיות רשת ביטחון ואנשים ששם בשבילו

ואם זה קרה לו מה יגרום לזה לא לקרות לעוד

הפרופיל שלו קפץ לי באינסטגרם בהצעות בתור איזה בדיחה נוראית של היקום

או יותר הגיוני שאמרתי את השם מלא פעמים שהטלפון שלי פשוט הניח שבאלי לעקוב אחריו בדיוק כמו שקרה עם כל שאר האנשים שהכרתי

נכנסתי לפרופיל שלו לראות אם יש תמונות

הוא פרטי

אבל היה קישור לחשבון אחר

חשבון של דברים שהוא כתב, קצת תמונות , דברים מהנקודת מבט שלו

זה נהיה עוד יותר לא הגיוני

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

קשה לי

אני יודעת איך אפשר להרגיש יותר טוב

אני יודעת איזה דברים גורמים לי להמשיך

איזה אנשים גורמים לי להרגיש טיפה פחות חרא

אבל למה לי

סבל זה חלק מזה

יש אנשים שאין להם איך לבחור מזה

זה כואב

הייתי מצפה שאחריי מעל שנה אני אתרגל לזה או לפחות זה יהיה שונה

אבל זה לא שונה זה פשוט כאב קהה

ותמיד יש עוד משהו

שמשהו משתפר עוד משהו קורה

יש טיל

אזעקה

נפילה

שריפה

פיגוע

מישהו מת

מישהו מתאבד

והכל כואב והכל נשאר ככה

אנחנו אומרים שדברים משתנים ושאנחנו מתקרבים לסיום ושבטוח זה לא ימשיך עוד הרבה

אבל מאיפה הביטחון

וגם אם המלחמה תגמר

מה יקרה אחריי

לכולנו פתאום לא יהיה פוסט טראומה ?

נשכח כל מה שקרה?

כל מה שראינו?

נפסיק לקפוץ מכל רעש?

אני לא רואה עתיד טוב לזה

אני מנסה ובקול רם אני אומרת שכן

אבל אני לא

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

The thing is we don’t have that many mutual friends because we are not in any of the same groups, like we know the same people but we don’t hang out with the same people after we finished the army.

But like people who do know both of us and know all the details agree that he is into me and like it seems like that from the side(like the way he hypes me up and compliments me and the way he looks at me)

Idk he is very confusing to me

And the thing is I feel like I have made moves? Like texts and flirty and like when we hang out I feel like I’ve made it clear I’d be interested but maybe not?

This is just difficult because we don’t have that much time which I guess could be a reason for him not doing anything…

I’m going to tell you some tea and please react if you want to🫶🏻

Okay so there is this guy we met around February we served at the same place until April (he left a week after me).

For the 2 months we were there we had so many conversations both one on one and in a group setting, and we would talk pretty regularly in WhatsApp for a while(like an hour or so each time).

In those 2 months there were things that made me like him and made me think he likes me too. Like long conversations, attention to details and remembering everything I say. Bringing me the tea I like all the time and also making me tea when I was sick. Getting me the fruits I want when I ask him, and my personal favorite switching phones so we could look at each other’s playlists and talk about them.

Honestly everything between us was very chill and like nothing happened but there was a vibe and like when we were in the same room there were always smiles between us and like I am delulu but there was something there.

My last day we had a goodbye conversation that was 2 hours! (Any other talk I had with other people (who some I knew longer) were like 30 minutes ish) it did not feel like 2 hours and we kinda just went on and talked about a bunch of stuff including meeting up in the future once I get back from abroad.

About 2 and a half weeks later I texted him that I’m back and I’ll be in his area the next week (we live like 2 hours away from each other, he lives in the center and I live up north)

We met up and hung out for 5 hours, all we did was talk, like none stop. And he said several times (and also texted after) that we should meet next week. The next week I was at my aunts house and she lives like 10 minutes from him. We met up had some boba then went to his place and we were together for about 4 and a half hours until we realized it was super late and I need to wake up early and then he walked me back.

Now nothing happened between us but I keep feeling like it needs to. But then the other day we were texting and he said something kind of flirty so I replied with something flirty and then he just left me on read(that was like 2 days ago).

Usually I would say he is just not into me but like all the clues says he is. The man is the definition of mixed signals.

Like he downloaded sims because of me, and asked me questions about Taylor swift for like 30 minutes even though he doesn’t know or like her (like he does not hate her but he never listens to her) and like it was fully him too with the question and all that.

And there were a billion other things that were def not platonic, like I have guy friends and he did def dose not act like one.

Anyway there is no point to this but feel free to say anything because he is confusing me.

Like I’m def a “if he wanted to he would” girl but like wtf dude .

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

I’m going to tell you some tea and please react if you want to🫶🏻

Okay so there is this guy we met around February we served at the same place until April (he left a week after me).

For the 2 months we were there we had so many conversations both one on one and in a group setting, and we would talk pretty regularly in WhatsApp for a while(like an hour or so each time).

In those 2 months there were things that made me like him and made me think he likes me too. Like long conversations, attention to details and remembering everything I say. Bringing me the tea I like all the time and also making me tea when I was sick. Getting me the fruits I want when I ask him, and my personal favorite switching phones so we could look at each other’s playlists and talk about them.

Honestly everything between us was very chill and like nothing happened but there was a vibe and like when we were in the same room there were always smiles between us and like I am delulu but there was something there.

My last day we had a goodbye conversation that was 2 hours! (Any other talk I had with other people (who some I knew longer) were like 30 minutes ish) it did not feel like 2 hours and we kinda just went on and talked about a bunch of stuff including meeting up in the future once I get back from abroad.

About 2 and a half weeks later I texted him that I’m back and I’ll be in his area the next week (we live like 2 hours away from each other, he lives in the center and I live up north)

We met up and hung out for 5 hours, all we did was talk, like none stop. And he said several times (and also texted after) that we should meet next week. The next week I was at my aunts house and she lives like 10 minutes from him. We met up had some boba then went to his place and we were together for about 4 and a half hours until we realized it was super late and I need to wake up early and then he walked me back.

Now nothing happened between us but I keep feeling like it needs to. But then the other day we were texting and he said something kind of flirty so I replied with something flirty and then he just left me on read(that was like 2 days ago).

Usually I would say he is just not into me but like all the clues says he is. The man is the definition of mixed signals.

Like he downloaded sims because of me, and asked me questions about Taylor swift for like 30 minutes even though he doesn’t know or like her (like he does not hate her but he never listens to her) and like it was fully him too with the question and all that.

And there were a billion other things that were def not platonic, like I have guy friends and he did def dose not act like one.

Anyway there is no point to this but feel free to say anything because he is confusing me.

Like I’m def a “if he wanted to he would” girl but like wtf dude .

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

If any of you pro Palestine want to have an actual discussion and listen, dm me.(or of you don’t have an opinion and just want to listen)

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

עצרתי עכשיו בתחנת אוטובוס בזמן נהיגה כדי לבכות

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

Also like I have the worst luck with choosing who I like

1-was religious and we had completely different believes and values.(also I’m very much not religious like 100% not)

2-was just being flirty and kind of a dick because he had a girlfriend (nothing happened with us but like I was crushing and got the vibe I guess )

3- a girl…she is not into girls

4-also was just flirting. Made it clear I’m interested, never did anything other then flirt. I gave up. He went on a date .

5- one of my best friends, was purely a physical crush. was just flirting. Tried talking, he pretended like he doesn’t understand. Gets into a relationship with a girl I hate. Tells me he knows I was into him and I wasn’t wrong about the flirting situation but he didn’t want to ruin anything.

6-same girl…still not into girls

I don’t get how people just get into relationship

I’m 20 almost 21

Never been in a relationship, never even kissed anyone

The last time I was in a talking thing with someone was over a year ago close to 2 years.

I honestly don’t get it. This is not me being arrogant but I am honestly a good person, and pretty and smart and witty and just honestly great.

And it’s not like I don’t meet people I spent the last 2 years in a base with so many people and other then that 1 I never had anything with any one(and like crushes)

Honestly I just don’t get it

People say that when you don’t look for it it will come but like I’m not looking? And nothing ever happened and I go to parties and all that but nobody ever hits on me or even DMs me or anything

I’m not anxious to be in a relationship but like it would be nice to experience that. Like I already missed the all high school sweetheart thing and idk I would like to have that 

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

I don’t get how people just get into relationship

I’m 20 almost 21

Never been in a relationship, never even kissed anyone

The last time I was in a talking thing with someone was over a year ago close to 2 years.

I honestly don’t get it. This is not me being arrogant but I am honestly a good person, and pretty and smart and witty and just honestly great.

And it’s not like I don’t meet people I spent the last 2 years in a base with so many people and other then that 1 I never had anything with any one(and like crushes)

Honestly I just don’t get it

People say that when you don’t look for it it will come but like I’m not looking? And nothing ever happened and I go to parties and all that but nobody ever hits on me or even DMs me or anything

I’m not anxious to be in a relationship but like it would be nice to experience that. Like I already missed the all high school sweetheart thing and idk I would like to have that 

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

I feel calm and happy

I miss being home all the time

2 more months

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

I think I missing having queer friends in my life

Like not missing because I never had them but like fomo kinda

Like I want to talk about so many things but no one that will understand it. Not really or care

Like heartstopper and the whole kit Conner situation

And books and shared experiences

And like a billion things 

I feel like I’m at this point of my life where every thing is kinda stuck and I’m just waiting

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

I always say I never came out because it’s not me. I am not a big declaration kind of person

And I honestly do think it is a weird concept. Like why is straight the default and why do I have to “come out” when I don’t even feel I ever was “in”

Why would I do that when every person around me doesn’t have to

It is not like I constantly talk about my taste in men with everyone why should I talk about the fact that I like women too.

And I say all that but yet I keep thinking that I’m avoiding something like I’m not doing it because I’m scared or don’t believe it’s true.

I know a lot of bi people question themselves a lot but it is very tiring

I don’t want to feel like I owe anything to anyone but I can’t help but feel like I’m avoiding and making excuses

It’s not like I’m closted all my friends know for sure, I have said it out loud. I have emojis in my insta bio I’ve posted on pride and I constantly talk about the community with my family

Like if any of the people who are close to me don’t know it’s because they are blind and done want to see that

Which also sucks

Idk what is the point

It just feels shit



[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

I don’t I’ve realized how much she hurt me

Like sure it was a bad fight and we haven’t talked in 2 months

But it’s just deeper then that

Like I had never had someone I trust and feel comfortable around invalided me as a queer person

My friends and family have always been fine and normal with it all

And like I never had a big coming out thing because it is just not me(kinda that is a whole other post)

But she was one of my closest friends and I still have to see her every day and we still have the same friend group and I just don’t understand why

Like how can they all still be friends with her

I will never ask someone to stop talking to her because this isn’t 3rd grade

But she has hurt me in a way no one has before and they seem to miss that completely

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

היה לי התקף חרדה היום אחריי הרבה מאוד זמן שלא

נפגשתי עם חברה שלא ראיתי מלא זמן ואז עליתי על הרכבת וקבעתי עם מישהו מהבסיס שיאסוף אותי בתור טובה

וברגע שקבעתי את זה וכביכול נרגע לי הלחץ מזה שאין לי איך לחזור לבסיס התחיל לי התקף

עכשיו ההתקפים שלי ״פשוטים״ הם לא מאוד ברורים וכשהם קורים במקום ציבורי כמעט ואי אפשר לשים לב

רק אם ממש ממש מנסים ומכירים אותי

לא הצלחתי להרגיע את עצמי

זה נסיעה של חצי שעה וקצת עם החלפת רכבת

וכל הזמן הזה הרגשתי שיש לי בחילה ואני לא מצליחה לנשום והיד שלי רעדה

זה נשמע יותר גרוע ממה שזה. או שלא

לא הצלחתי באצת להרגיע את עצמי ניסיתי כל שיטה שאני מכירה עד שבסוף ויתרתי ופשוט התקשרתי לחברה שתחפור לי

זה לא עזר מאוד

ואז הגעתי לתחנה שלי וחיכיתי וזה עבר וזה נרגע

אין לי שמץ של מושג מה הוביל לזה או מה עצר את זה

אבל זה הלחיץ אותי כי לא היה לי התקף מלא זמן

לא הייתי בטיפול כבר 3 חודשים כי הרגשתי שאין לי צורך כי אני באמת בטוב ומצליחה לווסת את עצמי ואין שינויים קיצוניים או התקפי חרדה

כל הסיבות שבגללם התחלתי טיפול ״נפתרו״

ואני מתה מפחד מלחזור אחורה

וברור לי שזה לא חד וחלק ויש גלים ויש תקופות אבל אין לי כוח לחזור למקום שבו אני מסתמכת על גורם חיצוני

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

I’m really happy right now

[ijustneedaplacethaticanventat]

I don’t know about you but my pride month started just peachy 😃

I was face timing my parents and like talking to my dad and my mom was in the background doing something and we were talking about how I’m visiting friends on Thursday and he asked what we were doing so I said going to the beach then maybe the pride or a bar. Then my mom jumped from the background and was like saying no you are not going and blah blah then my dad was like don’t scream and kinda just kept the conversation, after a little bit my mom came back and took the phone and was like you are not going and I don’t like it it is too many people this is not how I raised you and so on, I obviously said mom I’m 20 we are not talking about this I’m going and she was like whatever.

Now I honestly don’t think it was purely homophobia, like I do think she is worried because there are a lot of people and like there have been attacks in the past and also she doesn’t really understand parties , like even when I go to any normal basic everyday party she doesn’t like it.

It didn’t really matter to me it was just kind of annoying.

Then I was sitting with my friends and I told them about this and we kept talking and at some point one of my friends was like bi people don’t exist and I was like hello I’m right here, anyway we “fought for like 10-15 minutes about how she thinks being bi is just people being  indecisive and that at some point once you fall in love you realize you are either into girls or guys never both, I ofc said that is bullshit you can be attracted to both, I am, your partner dose not determine your sexuality.



Anyway this was just so annoying because neither one of them think they did anything wrong and I’m just tired