iloveubee

[iloveubee]

Hi guys a Little update

Im trying tò work on myself and trying tò Feel Better about myself, im trying tò adjust myself and how tò act, how my action have affected people how my own insecurities and my own egoism have impacted the people around me, but if i keep myself form betting myself down i Will never heal, and After this month in think ive changed im scared of doing mistaskes again but i think ive thought enought about what i did, and i still think about bee every single day and every single day i miss her, ive been talking tò my Therapist about It and She does Say that even bee did some well impulsive and negative things and and im being to harsh on my self and im putting all the guilty on me but, i know here i messed up and She only wanted love and support and due to my well stress and anxiety i made her feel horribile when She Just needed support because i let my frustration not being able tò help her onto her o and taking things too personaly, its been a fiew month since i tried tò reach out i don't really have a way tò reach out tò her other than tik tok messages since She blocked me on Twitter, She didn't respond so i didn't want tò bother her any further and gave her her time, i don't know if that was a stupid idea but i thought that maybe It was too soon and i needed tò work on myself more, but know i don't know if It comes of Like i don't care and that ive waited so mutch seames Like i don't care because i do care alot and i wanted tò be a Better versione of myself for me and for her thats why, but anyway i was thinking of depicting some of my problema, my growth, the situation i had with bee and the guilt and heat i feel for bee in art exibit, since i wanted tò do It for a long time i want to do something impactful tò show what and how i feel and also as i way tò let myself go i thought that art Is something that makes me reflect and Better myself so i thought that doing It would be a great thing and well thats all, maybe ill try tò send her a message again but i don't want tò make her feel unconfortable

[iloveubee]

Hi guys the situation well Is been rought and i don't know what know bee Is doing and what She thinks about me but i maybe continue tò use ti blog tò well give updates on myself and Simply what i feel and tò work on myself tò avoid hurting the people i love and tò be a Better Person so i Will use this platform tò talk about my journey on change and how im handling myself and heal my problems

[iloveubee]

Happy Valentine day bee

Im Sorry, il learning tò be a Better Person, i Sorry i didn't understand, i Just Hope you're doing well. I do really love you and im Sorry that i didn't respect you're boundaries...i miss you...

[iloveubee]

[iloveubee]

Im a horrible girlfriend because im late but

The 8th of this spooky month where me and the love of my Life bee finally made It official, i still remeber the scene we where Two akward girls walking in the park holding hands where i ask you while holding both of you're soft hands if you wanted tò be my beautiful girlfriend and you're cute face was so in shock that you froze not knowing how to respond as you just noded as i hugged you thightly in my arms, since that a lot as changed, and its sad that i coudnt spend this day close to you but we both know It wasnt possibile, and even if today i spend it in stress and tired im still happy remebering the day that makes us an unbreakable bond, the day where the brigthest star in the sky became mine, and i Wish that this bond so thight we last till the end, till i could finally be with you free from our problems, the obstacles and the people briging us down, because that day wasnt only the day that you becomes my girlfriend, but the day that that we knew that with time we would build togheter our little Word only for us our safe space, and a Energy so strong, that brights more than the sun, because we are ment tò be and create this little world togheter and one day we will be free to run, laught, dance while holding eatchothers hand not ever letting go of eatchothers and i Will try my best tò make that possibile with you because i know that i every universe we are togheter, the universe wanted us tò be togheter, and i Will do my best that possibly the next october we Will be togheter watching the leaves fall of the trees and doing cute couple halloween costumes togheter, carving pumpkins, and watching halloween or horror movies togher while drinking chai. I Will wait for you i Always will

[iloveubee]

Today Is a very very veryyy special day for me and my GF bee so i wanted tò writhe something for her with all my Heart, my not my best on describing how i feel but i Will try my best

So wow i can't even believed that so long have passed since i meet you, a day that in the past looked so random but with time as grown into our unbreakable bond, and from now on i think Is going tò continue too grow our love for eatchothers Is Deep between our soul and i learned i lot by you're side, form the day we where stupid pre teens when you would show me you're gemsona tò me waiting for you at the school gate, and at that time i didn't know that in the future you would have been the love of my Life, we spend these years togheter knowing eatchothers, laughting from the stupidest stuff Like, "pongo" or the "elysa burro" Song, we have grown togheter learning from eatchothers maturing as time went on, as our bond becomes stronger and stronger, all the good times and bad times have helped us grow and even After a Hurricane i could still repair our love using the broken things thats remained even in our lowest point in the bottom less pit of darkness we both have seen a Little light the light of our love, and even if there Is a barrier between i know that one day that wall would be put down, we are Warrior youll be my sword i will be youre shield, we might be distant but we are ment to be, like the sun and the Moon, like the sky and the sea, like summer and winter, Like White and Black...our Destiny and future might be uncertain but im grateful for the years we have spent togheter, im grateful of discovering myself and learning right by you're side, and there is no words describing how mutch you mean tò me, i love you bee.

[iloveubee]

Yoo guys so i Need tò do more posts about my trips and what made me think about my gf but in general i was pretty tired and moving from Place tò Place so yeah

Ok so i was at Hoi an beautiful Place and would be great tò go there in general with my beautiful gf since there so many shops and Like night live and so Is really cool. maybe i Will talk about a bit more in another post probably but Like there where Like this huge market and many of them where selling this really cute Like flower hair clips and they where really cute Like those tropicale flower a bit gyaru idk how tò describe It but i really wanted tò pick it for her but since our no conntact situation for us there is no way i can give it to her so yeah that kinda sucks

[iloveubee]

Ok so i have so many post ideas here i Just Need the time tò post them since im on vacation

BUT

i Just wanted tò show this beauty scenery in China as i took this photo, and i Just know how mutch my beautyfull bee would love tò go to places Like this.

My bee studies cinese and She would probably love tò go there and look at the various culture and stuff, probably more in the Urban party but. I can immagine that looking at places Like this togheter enjoying the view of the Rice Fields and Explore togheter for now Is not possible but maybe in the future idk

[iloveubee]

REASSURANCE time: other that i should do more things for this Page i was getting ideas doe. Anyway im pretty worried for my lovely bee, and i wanted tò Say to her that i immagine how bad overthinking Is and how It can be hard It can be when you are emotionaly tested in general, and i Just wanted tò Say maybe i don't handle this stuff in the best of ways and i get anxious as well but is because im worried for you, and im worried because i care i know you have difficulty believing me in moments like this, and im not angry for that, but i mean it when i say that i care and i get worried and also guilty for things that maybe i didint even do, but i do really love you and i really care that you feel that love and that i care even if its not easy beacuse, knowing i make you feel better makes me smile, maybe i dont handle the things in the best way, but i really and really care to how to support you because all i want is for you to feel loved

[iloveubee]

REASSURANCE TIME BABY WOOOOOOOOO: okay so i noticed that my lovely beautiful bee was feeling pretty bad during this period so, probably because She Is scared of losing me due to our situation and that we wont see eatchothers on the train since i gratueted, but remeber babe im Always here event if maybe im not good at showing it i will always love you with all my Heart, so dont be afraid of losing me im always thinking of you and missing you and even worried about you, i love you so mutch and during this year i will try my best for the both of us and the future i love you with all my heart

[iloveubee]

My lovely bee hasnt felt the best in this period, and tends tò keep tò herself a lot of stuff, because She doesnt want tò create dramma with me, and maybe i been in the past a bit pushed her a bit and been maybe a be tò on the defensive, and i Wish She would tell me more about what she fells without fears, but maybe i did something that now makes her feel unconfortable talking to me about this feelings, and i know we still need to perfect a lot of facts about us, but im willing for myself and her, and everyday you learn something new. Now the things in sure that She has troubles with some things because of internalized homophobia, as She Is maybe realizing that She Is a lesbian and not bisexual wich Is hard fot her, and maybe i don't understand It enought since i don't have that problem so maybe i must inform myself a bit more on It and also maybe other her problems so to know how to approch them. I wanna do my best as a gf and i don't want tò fall into old habitus of our relationship.

[iloveubee]

This days my living bee doesnt feel that great She overthinking a lot of things and some of them She doesnt want tò talk about tò me or She writhes them Witch Is good Is important tò writhe the feelings that are bothering you, but at the same time i think especially for her Is important that She dosent bottle up her emotion because they just Explode, and i think that slowly sharing them and even if not by voice finding ways tò comunicate them, i want to try my best to at least be there for her but im scared that She doesnt look for help and i want to support her and at least make her feel that i cate because i do but idk if im doing a good job at it

[iloveubee]

I feel Like shit.

I feel Like what i do, even if Is harmless, i feel Like im not a good girlfriend even if im trying my best i Always scared tò hurt her but also i want her to be honest with me, without her worring tò offend or hurt me, but at the same time the fact that She gets hurt of what i do and she things that im lying or doing terrible things maybe she things that im like that and the fact that could be the idea she has of me shows that maybe im not a good girlfriend even if the situation is diffrent from her paranoia, i know is what paranoia does but at the same time, maybe if she things that im going to do so many bad things, that in worried that whats she things i am witch im not, im probably just overthinking but...i just want to do the best i can...

[iloveubee]

Ok so something that has been revolutionary for me and my gf since now its possibile for me and her to talk a bit more, thats also why i havent been posting that mutch so that i can directly Say things tò her but also due to mental health problems, but One way that we show eatchothers affection Is that we started tò play brawl stars togheter and yeah It might be weird, but i get so excited when She Is online and there also a chat so we talk about things in there sometimes and It makes me feel closer to her, even if chatting on a mobile game chat seams desperate but i don't care Just that i can play with my lovely girlfriend means the worlds tò me, and that we are able tò have some quality time togheter, Witch Is One of the more important stuff for me, so yeah its fucking great! Also me and her are litteraly Emz and Poco they are so us coded even if Bad Randoms Poco Is more me coded. But yeah this makes me so Happy

[iloveubee]

Meanwhile for a bit of coping due to our situation (since because of mental health problems we got imposed that we shouldnt speak or see eatchothers for things tò be stabile again) but a lot of time has past alredy and im alredy 18 so an Adult, but my gf Is still 17, so in november She would be 18 as well, so right now She Is still tecnachly under her parent rules and responsibility so even if they are against, there Is not a lot that they can do, but still She says that still She Needs more time so even if that dates arrives Is still pretty unsure since i want to respect her decisions. But still i out a countdown on her birthday because maybe that day would be the day

[iloveubee]

Seeing Happy couples be togheter for Valentines day and me not being able tò see or gift something for my beautyful girlfriend bee makes me sad, but the i think that i don't Need fancy presents or date tò show her my love, i mean i would be cool tò give her the world, but i love her so mutch that i don't Need tò be close to her tò show her my love and how strong It Is and how my Heart Beats every Moment for her, out bond Is stronger that everything we are Like Two soul in One, and even if i can't give her present and be with her in this special day you know what shows that we are true Valentines none the less? The fact that no matter what happeneds, and now matter how i wait, i Will be Always there tò love her because i don't Need anybody else, we are Lost shouls that found eatchothers and that passion Will burn for eternity, and no matter that even if i can't go out with you or talk to you i Will never give up and wait and wait till eternity Just for you and i think thats makes me you're true Valentine

I love you bee

(PS: i started writting this during Valentine day but i felt Like i wasnt able tò writhe It and It was bad for me tò post It even After and i felt so guilty and a bad gf for this but i do trully love her)

[iloveubee]

But i have tò Say that something that at least makes me feel Better than maybe now i don't writhe that mutch in here because im able tò talk directly tò her on the train and we have more contact even truw Friends, so maybe i should Just stop being so negative, i love her and even if i show It in a diffrent way than before It doesnt mean less, in means we are becoming closer even if we are still affar, but i Will still Ty tò writhe more in here and maybe note down my in a simple text so that i remeber, maybe It shows that we are coming closer togheter than me being detached... I love her