im-here-but-not-really

[im-here-but-not-really]

You were a cup that I kept filling

I’d pour my heart into you with as much love as I could muster

I’d pour my mind into you trying to help you overcome your own problems

I’d pour my souls into you trying help you be the best possible version of yourself

I didn’t realize that in pouring into you, I left nothing for myself

In giving you all the love I possessed, I hated myself

In anticipating your needs and wants, I neglected myself

In helping you find your future, I limited my own

I do not regret pouring into you, I hoped it helps, but now I sit waiting for someone to pour into me like I did you. Except I will pour back.

[im-here-but-not-really]

One day I will forget…

…Your scent

…The way your hands caressed my face

How they wiped away my tears

…the feeling of being in your arms

How I felt safe in them

…the sound of your voice

How it my name sounded on your lips

…your love

And how I lost it

But until then — until I forget — I will be haunted by your memory

[im-here-but-not-really]

I live in a forest where the trees are metal

The metal trees have their metal roots

The metal roots are filled with dirty water

That dirty water courses through stone earth

On the stone earth is a rainbow river

The rainbow river is is made of light

The light is split it two, one half yellow the other red

From the river comes the clouds, and despite there not being any rain they are always grey

I look at the grey clouds as they float over this forest of metal, stone, and light

And I wonder where it all went wrong

[im-here-but-not-really]

Savoring The Drink pt. 2 Remember The Chaser

Once again I lay here, restless and weary

Glass after glass gets shoved in my hand

I drink them eagerly know what lies in wait for me

Something clear and refreshing

Something to ease my mind from the monotony of my drunken stupor

Once again I forget what Present has told me

Once again I forget to savor my drink

When will I learn? I don’t think I will.

The tap is running dryer and dryer, and I am tipping the barrel

For what?

One glass of water

One glass of clarity that will ensure every future glass

One glass is all it will take so that I can rid myself of this stupor and pour my own drink

But what if it’s vinegar?

Something so alluring, promising that crisp clarity and yet when I take a drink it all goes sour

My senses are gone and I don’t know what I’m drinking anymore

I urge Future to pour another drink so that I may taste something familiar, something better but all I taste is vinegar

I feel a hand on my shoulder

I turn around

There’s stands Past with her arm stretch out to me

In it, a familiar jar filled with honey

I dip my finger in the sweet nectar and touch it to my tongue

I remember this taste, and how it takes away the vinegar

This is not my first glass of vinegar, and it won’t be my last

I turn back to Future and he thrusts another glass into my hand

I bring it to my lips, weary of its contents

To my relief it’s water

I am at peace

[im-here-but-not-really]

It hurts a little knowing that…

you were the right person

it was the wrong time

we made each other better

That we’re just friends now

But more than anything

It hurts a little knowing that

A part of me will always still love you

[im-here-but-not-really]

How dare the person who made me so happy, be the same person to make me cry so much

[im-here-but-not-really]

Quotes of the night

“Too much connection to be just friends, too many problems to be in a relationship and too many memories to simply forget what we were”

“When you’re having an I need my boyfriend money but he’s not your boyfriend anymore”

“Realizing if I keep talking to them I’ll just be in a never ending cycle, but if I stop I’ll lose my favorite person.”

“I don’t think you meant to hurt me, cause I don’t think it meant a thing at all.”

[im-here-but-not-really]

Midnight Madness pt. 9 A mutual breakup (12:46)

You don’t make it easy

But you tired your best

It was mutual, our decision

But it still hurts nonetheless

My brain is at peace

And my souls is content

Half my heart want to move on

And the other half won’t relent

[im-here-but-not-really]

Midnight Madness pt. 8

At some point after all that (12:49)

At some point you just go to bed with your clothes on because you're too tired

After not eating enough

After not drinking enough

After not getting enough sleep

After throwing up because you tired to eat

After crying to sad songs

After having a screaming match with the ocean

After crossing town while hallucinating that there's someone following you

After trying to stay quiet to not wake up your roommate because it's past midnight

After all of that, at some point you just go to bed with your clothes still on.

[im-here-but-not-really]

Midnight madness pt. 7 Fine Line (12:36 am)

I stand on the shore, between sand and water

That fine silver line lapping at my feet

I watch as waves crest and collapses as salt collets on my face and trickles down my cheek

I hear a rush in my ears as I see birds gliding on that coastal wind

As that silver line slips away, the hardened sand catches me as I fall

I don’t feel the pain in my knees as I strike the sand, knuckle against grain

After I tire, I look up and feel the wind caress my face, drying my tears, and ushering me in land

I stand up, salt burning my eyes, hair trussed from the wind, and knuckles bruised from the sand

I know I will return, and I will keep returning

Until one day the salt on my face is from the ocean and not my tears

Until one day the rush in my ears is from the wind and not the sound of my voice screaming to the waves

Until one day the line that I stand on isn’t so fine

[im-here-but-not-really]

Midnight Madness pt. 6

Happy birthday to progress 1:07 am

The older I get, the more I want my birthday to be like thanksgiving

It isn’t a flashy thing to celebrate

And it is moved on from quite rapidly

But it is a wonderful day when celebrated with good food, lots of smiles and laughter, and a loving family.

Happy birthday me

Another year finished and many more to go

[im-here-but-not-really]

Midnight madness pt. 5

11:43 Silence is louder than a thousand voices

My life is filled with the same empty opposites

Left and right, right and wrong, and no in between

You crave compliance yet you want me to defend myself

You don’t want me to shut down but you don’t want me to cry

You want me to obey but you want me to have freedom

You want me to choose to do what you want the first time

You want me listen, yet you don’t listen to me

So I learned to listen

I learned to comply

I learned to obey

I learned not to speak

But

It is when I am silent that you crave my voice

[im-here-but-not-really]

Midnight madness pt. 4: ‘like a moth to a flame’

12:05 pm

What goes through a moths head as it flies towards the flames.

Does it feel the heat as it draws near?

Does it feel pain as the fire caresses its delicate wings?

If the moth does feel the heat and the pain, does the moth think it’s worth it?

Is the moth so ensnared by the beauty of the flame that it has no regard of the outcome?

Does it know the outcome?

If the moth feels the heat, feels the pain, and knows the outcome, why does it still fly towards the fire.

Its mind knows to leave, but its heart wants to stay.

[im-here-but-not-really]

Midnight Madness pt. 3

12:28 Dancing with the Storm

Every time a wave approaches, I swim towards it

A wave of darkness, stars, and wishing

Night

The wave isn’t frightening…the wind is

Some waves are too strong, fast, random

Storm

Storms of emotions are often dangerous

The force pulls me fast, further, down

Sinking

I try to swim towards the surface

But it’s to cold, dark, deep

Drowning

I let the current take me

Moving with hope, swiftness, hope

Dancing

I wake up on the shore

The sand is bright, warm, safe

Morning

[im-here-but-not-really]

Red White Blue

Authors note: Happy Fourth of July 🇺🇸

Remember the red that watered the ground, from it sprouted the freedom we cherish. Through their valor and hardiness, a country was won and freedom was gained.

Remember the white fabric that we wrap around the souls who are brought forth into the land of the free. Their innocence and purity shining their light on the future of our country.

Remember the blue collars of the men and women that protect us. They who bound their lives for justice against those who seek to abuse their freedom.

Remember the red, white, and blue

[im-here-but-not-really]

Midnight madness pt. 2

12:23 am

Hi, it’s me, I’m back again

Where you might ask?

I haven’t a clue

My mind is trapped in tomorrow

My body is in my room

My heart is forty miles away

And my soul…

My soul in broken into three

[im-here-but-not-really]

Savoring the drink

Authors note: I wrote this at 12:37AM and it started because I was rereading some old writing pieces. This was intended to be a short blurb of nonsense, and then it turned into a long word vomit of craziness that went so much deeper than I had intended. So without further ado, enjoy my midnight mind madness

I lay here, weariness in my mind, and exhaustion wracking my body

Still, I cannot sleep

I lay here reading my thoughts that were spilled into words only seasons ago

Nostalgia filling my mind

I lay here reliving each scene that conceived the words my heart gave birth to

Emotions dulled into memories

I lay here sobering from the drunken stupor that is time

Every glass is a days time, yet I drink without thinking…I drink without savoring.

It is only when I stop that I can think

It is only when I think that the stupor wears off

And when the stupor wears off I sober enough to realize that Future pours my drinks that I so greedily consume.

Future keeps me drunk and focused on my next glass, and not the accruing tab.

A tab that will have to be paid when the tap runs dry, when the glasses cease to be shoved in my hands.

Yet the tap is not yet dry so Future ushers another glass toward me

Only to be intercepted

Present takes the glass from Future, and holds it, staring at me

I stare back

Present looks at the glass in their hands, knowing that my tap has not yet run dry

They hand the glass to me, but not before taking a slow sip from its contents

It’s a reminder

A reminder that a tap is not endless, and the glasses are numbered

Present gives me the glass

And I remember to savor it.