jessssssssssssssssssica97

[jessssssssssssssssssica97]

Instagram is the only social media I really use (I watch Tik Tok sometimes, but mostly Reels) and it feels so disgusting. I hate it. Why am I looking up people from the past? Why am I searching through peoples names in others’ likes on their photos? We really do know too much about each other. I’d like to go full ghost on social media honestly. Tumblr and Reddit would be fine, I guess. I just hate seeing people that I have nothing to do with otherwise posting about their lives. Like my old college roommate, who I was kind of mean to, and we definitely never got along. I don’t need to be watching her stories. And I don’t need to be thinking about my own vanity every day based on what I saw on Instagram, either. I can tell that I’m going to be cutting off social media a lot in the new year. I’ve been so strong and followed through on quitting so many other things, I will probably do this too. There is a small part of me that wants to make content for extra money but I probably wouldn’t be allowed to with my job. Tonight I’m going to read Simone de Beauvoir. lol.

[jessssssssssssssssssica97]

"... The final quote comes from Adam Smith, author of Wealth of Nations, who said, 'What can be added to the happiness of a man who is in health, out of debt and has a clear conscience?'

What is there about the Twelve Steps of recovery that isn't covered in Smith's proposition? We regain our health and we take inventory sufficient to clear our debt and our conscience. If our program is intact but we don't feel free, happy and joyous, maybe our relationship with money is out of sorts. The urgency to own stuff and have it now is promulgated by our culture. In the USA, tax incentives for mortgage debt have been around since the 1930s. The idea was that debt enslaved--a man with a mortgage won't go on strike. It was a way to control a worker for his or her working years.

Between money and me, who's the slave and who's the master? What do I really want?"

-November 30, Beyond Belief, Agnostic Musings for 12 Step Life, by Joe C.

[jessssssssssssssssssica97]

I went to go see my high school best friend and her parents yesterday while I’m in my hometown. It has been a very long time since I’ve been here and since I have seen them. They have a very nice house in the suburbs, they always have a very lovely Thanksgiving set up, and they are very welcoming people. Very normal people although from Long Island.

Her little brother has always had defiance issues, not in like the poetic way in that Tumblr likes to romanticize. In a harmful way to himself and to his family. He has had issues with addiction which I can sympathize with, to an extent. He still gets fired from every job he’s ever had. He was sent to New York for a summer to live with his uncle and promptly got sent back. He in recent years has taken an appeal to hardcore and we’ve talked about music before, I never thought he was a lost cause.

Anyway, I saw him yesterday. He came downstairs covered in tattoos and in a ratty Inside Out t-shirt. We saw his car out front with various hardcore band stickers on the back, all shit we knew and some bands with some people we knew. Long story short he tried to cool guy us and cred check us when we tried to have a conversation with him about music to appeal to him. We mentioned our friends in bands and he kept being like “who, who,” as if he was verifying that we were lying. I was like “we don’t really go to shows too much anymore but we went to Tied Down this summer, it was cool, it was cool to see Have Heart” and he was like “sure, I don’t give a fuck about that emotional shit.” He prefers that NY hardcore tough guy beat down shit. Really likes D-Bloc!

I like, can’t stop thinking about it for some reason. Being vibe checked by a kid who lives in his very nice parent’s suburban home. And the only reason he is into hardcore is because he has something to prove to the world, that he’s very tough and very hard even though he’s 5’4” and 120 lbs soaking wet. I am clearly very bothered by it and it bothers me that I’m bothered by it. It’s a tale as old as time, I guess. I think what bothers me is that he can’t just have a normal, high-level conversation about music on Thanksgiving in his parent’s kitchen, he has to prove that he’s more hardcore than us. I also got the vibes he thought it was lame to be straightedge. I mean, go figure.

Anyway, no big deal I guess. I just can’t shake it, and I want to. I hate being home!!

[jessssssssssssssssssica97]

every single thing on Tik Tok is an ad to buy something. and I wish Tik Tok shop was never invented. it feels so disgusting to use

[jessssssssssssssssssica97]

2008

It's nothing revolutionary, but I think when I was a kid I felt a lot more free to explore the things that I was naturally drawn to. But for some reason all throughout my life I always pushed everything off to a time of "later." Like when my favorite bands were playing a show in my town I would forego it thinking they'd come back eventually, I would never dye my hair green because it never made sense to. Now that I'm an adult, a lot of those bands broke up (and we're never getting a Title Fight reunion) and I work in finance so I can't dye my hair green.

This is all just coming to mind because I found the login information to my DeviantArt account from literally 15 years ago, and there is one writing sample on there that was actually pretty poetic and not that bad for a 12-year-old, albeit it completely fantasizing about turning into a vampire. I still have a deep obsession with vampires even though I don't really talk about it. I mean, actually, what is there to talk about. I do deep down wish for every Halloween that I could dress as a vampire. I did one time in college, and I actually have never felt better about myself. Maybe I should research vampires in depth more. Maybe I should write another vampire fanfic.

On that point, this is sort of where I'm coming from with writing this. Since becoming sober (today is day #422), I feel like I'm getting to know myself all over again. Part of the reason why I have to be sober is that I am the type of person who wants to do everything to an extreme, to a fault - if I can't do something the most then there's no point in starting in the first place. With drinking, it was that if I couldn't black out then why would I start drinking in the first place? Alcoholics rise up. Anyway, that characteristic about myself (in AA we call some of these things "character defects" which I find unfair at times) is giving me this attitude about rediscovering my interests that can be entirely unhelpful. I love painting, and I'm decent at it, but if the painting can't be exactly how it is in my brain then I have trouble starting it. I've always wanted to learn how to play guitar and start a band, but if I can't write music that sounds exactly like the music I want to make then why should I take a class? It's very difficult to work around this mindset.

I don't think that I am unique in this, at all. I think that a lot of people have this problem. Artists say things all the time like the best thing you can do is to just get something on a page. That's why challenges like Inktober exist, just to give people prompts to draw more often. I know that you can't ever get better if you never even try. I really don't want to have an existence where I have a laundry list of things I've always wanted to do, but was too afraid to do them. I know 27 is relatively young, but it simultaneously feels too old to start with anything that I want to. I know that that's not true, but that's just how I feel. I feel like I have lived a lot of my life so far fueled by fear - fear of being broke, fear of looking like a lazy addict. Throughout my alcoholism I got a master's degree and got myself a job in investment banking. I think if I truly loved myself I wouldn't have done that.

I still have a lot of fear, but I want to fuel myself from it in a different way. I'm afraid to die without ever having lived in another country. I'm afraid to never have worked through the misogynistic competition trauma that I got from my mother. I'm afraid that I'll never perform on a stage again and feel the warmth of lime light. I'm afraid that I will lose my ability to communicate with people in French, and I'm afraid that my brain will become too weak to improve my Russian. I'm afraid to stand up to my parents and tell them that I have tattoos - they're big tattoos, I can't hide them for much longer. These are all things that are on my "bucket list" that come to mind when people say to "grab life by the balls" or whatever, but every single one of them takes work and that is so scary. My throat has that quivery feeling right now and my eyes are getting wet thinking about my life having to muster up the courage to do all this, but I'm most afraid of never finding the courage. I am a very strong person. Very strong. I can do it.

I remade a Tumblr account to start a blog just so I can write these things out into the ether. I do have a journal, but there is something about writing a blog that brings me a deep comfort. It's because I am a child of the internet. I was raised on Tumblr, I firmly believe that it shaped me into the person I am today. I already mentioned Title Fight, green hair, and vampires, didn't I...?

I also have other things I want to write about, more serious things with a lot more structure. I am thinking of starting a SubStack just to get some of my ideas out there. I saw on Tik Tok the other day that a woman was "launching" a SubStack. That is so serious. Do I have to officially launch a SubStack? Should I draft my essay and have it peer reviewed first?

This is the first of my rambles. I speak like this in person, too. Feels good!