kamisecureyet

[kamisecureyet]

9/100

It’s been a while. So much healing done and so much more to go. Today I want to talk about the things that knot us up inside. The things that are so hard to unravel.

Past hurts that have infused themselves so deeply in our body, we can barely distinguish them from ourselves.

I come from this complexity, and it’s a constant struggle. I’ll have anxieties, thoughts, judgments and I won’t be able to tell, which of this comes from me, and which of these are the last vestiges of my parents unhealed wounds?

Sometimes I want to blame my parents for it, but how does that help? They were carrying their own traumas.

Here I am trying to find my own voice in it all. My own clarity of consciousness, or maybe it’s heart. I’m trying to scrape away the other parts, but sometimes I have no idea what’s left, and which parts are me.

[kamisecureyet]

Watch this to learn how to put down toxic masculinity and internalized misogyny. As with “the kids these days are terrible” beginning circa prehistory (thanks Plato) this points to “men aren’t masculine anymore” and tracks it backward.

I keep saying nothing ever changes to those who know history.

[kamisecureyet]

8/100

Realizing the two things I flit between:

Fantasizing (when not in a relationship)

Fear (when in a relationship).

It’s a wild journey. When I was single, and in a deactivated state I relied on fantasies of my ex, idealizing what we could be. And since then I’ve realized it was because that was my only way to get needs met. It’s kind of sad.

I didn’t even believe being with him would actually work or be good. I just fantasized that it would to stem the pain. For anyone experiencing this, learn about yourself and fulfill those needs in other ways.

My body and mind knew that when I’m in the relationship it probably won’t even go well, so it didn’t matter about whether or not we get together. It was easier and safe in my head. It can be perfect in my head and I don’t mind keeping it like that.

Because when I do get into a relationship I feel the moments of panic and worry that stop me from being able to connect. I feel the questions and overthink and wonder, and doubt my feelings and everything else..is this real, do I really love him, meh I’m not attracted to them. Feeling all that sucks because then it pushes me away. It’s truly a cycle. And it doesn’t even feel painful at that point it’s almost like you’re numb. You’re just saving yourself from the thoughts.

And I also don’t want to be that person. I feel guilty because My other half deserves better than those thoughts. And I think I always believed that there would be a person who I didn’t feel all those doubts etc with. But that was a false fantasy I sold myself too.

The reality is so different. It’s that those thoughts and feelings are just a moment.

The reality is much messier to live in. But you have to try.

[kamisecureyet]

7/100

Being fearful avoidant in a relationship with a secure person means wanting love and stability

But realizing you’re the source of conflict and chaos that is preventing it from lasting.

I’m starting to understand why I choose avoidant people as well, it masked my own avoidance. I was too busy spending more time clutching onto and wanting them. Now, I’m the one on the other side fighting the urge to run.

It sucks. There’s so much guilt, conflict, and fear.

I keep thinking he deserves better. That if I can’t guarantee I won’t leave for years, then I should leave sooner. But the truth is, I think I would stay. Or that I wouldn’t end up going. Or that I would come back.

You know what it is. I think it’s like when I feel like running, when everything gets too much I go to him with that truth, that I want to leave and he’s like okay I understand it’s not you, here’s a hug before you go.

And then everything inside me calms. And then when he lets go I’m like okay I’m better now. I don’t have the energy to leave anymore.

It feels safe that he doesn’t force me to stay or make me try to be something I’m not or say things I don’t feel in that moment. He accepts me. And I think it’s because I go to him honestly, when im spiraling and tell him what’s happening. I share the thoughts and feelings. Note: im never actually saying I want to break up or try to break things off. I think that could get to an unhealthy cycle.

[kamisecureyet]

6/100

Emotional regulation. The most important skill you need.

When I was younger I wasn’t taught to understand my emotions, process them or work through them. My coping strategy was to ignore or avoid them. Or to create. to write your pain away.

And now it’s no surprise I’m here, years later, learning that these emotions are created based on my thoughts. That they’re the product of self limiting beliefs..Those feelings I carried and constantly reinforced in my loneliness. And these are the things I have to heal from. To unstitch and cut open. To excise.

I hear them now echoing in my head. All this negativity that tears me down and doesn’t let me move forward.

It’s not about what’s stopping you, it’s about what you learned about the future you wanted to create.

[kamisecureyet]

5/100

Let’s talk about boundaries. They’re so hard!!! Especially for those like me who had others around them compromise or punish you for trying to set boundaries during childhood. To deal with the feelings of discomfort and pain you start to adapt by not setting boundaries. It’s easier and safer. And you almost protect yourself from the dissonance — You can’t get hurt by someone betraying your boundaries if don’t have any. The reality is this is still hurting you. It’s a protective mechanism that I’m overcoming.

I’ll experience moments where I’ll feel hurt or sad or betrayed and realize that’s because I had a boundary that I wasn’t aware of. It’s only after that I become aware. Now I’m trying to proactively identify my needs and boundaries and communicate them.

Learning what my boundaries are comes with understanding my needs. I’ve spent so long trying to meet others needs that I don’t realize what mine are.

To start I’m applying the rule that you shouldn’t violate your boundaries to meet someone else’s needs.

I’m reading a book called set boundaries find peace, and I highly recommend it. Thais from the Personal Development School talks about it as well.

More to come on this topic.

[kamisecureyet]

4/100.

I was talking to my bf about my anxieties. That I wish I didn’t have them and that I didn’t experience those things. That I wish I wasn’t that person. That shuts down. That feels those fears and then wants to put some distance between us.

And he said is it you? He made me realize in some ways it’s not, it’s my nervous system because of the way it’s been conditioned. And it’s my way of protecting myself in response to the fears and worries.

He said it’s no different than the way he wants to pull me closer in response to his own fears worries or doubt (which he said everyone has). The gentle way in which he helped me to understand this was so so perfect. He said I should forgive myself and forgive the past circumstances that contributed to this.

And it’s not an excuse of course I’m still doing the work to talk through those things with him, recognize my triggers and self soothe. But oh my God, his kindness. It’s breathtaking.

Every day he brings me closer to him. I love the ways in which this love heals me.

I want to marry him.

[kamisecureyet]

Love this.

My dad and I once had a disagreement over him using the adage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I said, "That's just not true. Sometimes what doesn't kill you leaves you brittle and injured or traumatized."

He stopped and thought about that for a while. He came back later, and said, "It's like wood glue."

He pointed to my bookshelf, which he helped me salvage a while ago. He said, "Do you remember how I explained that, once we used the wood glue on them, the shelves would actually be stronger than they were before they broke?"

I did.

"But before we used the wood glue, those shelves were broken. They couldn't hold up shit. If you had put books on them, they would have collapsed. And that wood glue had to set awhile. If we put anything on them too early, they would have collapsed just the same as if we'd never fixed them at all. You've got to give these things time to set."

It sounded like a pretty good metaphor to me, but one thing I did pick up on was that whatever broke those shelves, that's not the thing that made them stronger. That just broke them. It was being fixed that made them stronger. It was the glue.

So my dad and I agreed, what doesn't kill you doesn't actually make you stronger, but healing does. And if you feel like healing hasn't made you stronger than you were before, you're probably not done healing. You've got to give these things time to set.

[kamisecureyet]

Day 3/100

I missed some days and they’ve been up and down. Basically, wow relationships are hard. And the overthinking is wild sometimes. I’ll think - is this hard normal? Am I making this harder?

Lately when he does something nice I think “ I don’t deserve this” and that’s something I’m grappling with. Because it brings other thoughts like - why? Is it because I’m not reciprocating enough? Do I not love him enough or love him right?

Sometimes it’s so good and then I self-sabotage. I think I get scared I’m getting ahead of myself and then back off.

[kamisecureyet]

Day 2/100.

I’ve learned that sometimes I trigger myself through my thinking. Usually what happens is I’ll have a thought that confirms a self-limiting belief tied to a core wound. And then it’ll cause me to have a feeling - sometimes anxiety, sometimes hurt or numbness etc. by virtue of having these feelings I will think it’s all real.

But CBT is showing me that these are cognitive distortions. My feelings are real, but often times my thoughts are irrational. They’re not positive they’re often in the negative.

For example, thinking “maybe he’s not right for me.” Making me anxious, and then want to withdraw from him. Anxiety is a secondary emotion, what I’m really feeling is fear. Fear of making the wrong decision. And my irrational thought is tied to this self-limiting belief that I have to be perfect and perfection exists. It doesn’t.

I then untangle this thought more by probing at it I have to challenge it and then change it. Is there a right decision? In what ways has he shown he’s right for me? Am I making a final decision right now? No.. do I have to? Changing it by recognizing I like him, I want to be with him, I want to get to know him better to see if we can build a future together. Etc

It’s hard going through this process sometimes because you have to deal with triggered feelings, and the thoughts. Sometimes we get so focused on treating the feelings - grounding etc. that we forget to process what caused them.

[kamisecureyet]

Day 1/100 on the path to becoming secure.

I’m doing a lot of inner work, watching Thais Gibson, reading books etc. as I try to go from a disorganized fearful avoidant to a more secure person. So I thought I’d journal this process and learnings. Hopefully I do get there.

Apparently a secure relationship can feel “boring” - particularly to those with other attachment styles. But what the experience actually is, is feeling less activated. All the chaos and dysfunction I am surrounded by gets so overwhelming that it leads to emotional dysregulation. I feel so activated inside - shifting between fight or flight mode, fawning, etc that my body is on overdrive. And I end up having to shut it all down just to function.

But in my current relationship with a secure guy, he’s stable and steady and I’ve never felt so calm. I feel like I can conquer the rest of my life without the turmoil of another unsteady relationship or cycle.

It’s wild!!

I’ll speak more to it along the way.

[kamisecureyet]

I’ve learned about something called core wounds. They’re such a struggle. I feel like I’ve spent so much time surviving. And the only way I’ve been able to is by ignoring these parts of myself. Layering it on, numbing them, protecting myself from their existence, ignoring their impact on me. And here I am years later realizing that the only way I can move forward and recover is if I fully go through them — If I give myself time to heal. It’s hard because it kind of feels like unstitching everything holding me together.

I want to. It’s so strange that the only way to heal is sometimes to break yourself entirely open.