keyrascovill-blog

[keyrascovill-blog]

Walking into Midnight

Fear has been the biggest hurdle in my life. 

So much so, I grew complacent because I became afraid to step out into my truth.

But how many of us has this happened to?

We grow so comfortable in our current situations that the unknown is something we avoid at all costs?

It should be quite the opposite. 

We should dive head first into our fears.

Yes, I am scared just as shitless as the next person every time I face I fear.

Sometimes I cry.

Sometimes I have to got to the bathroom a lot.

Sometimes I get so anxious that I shake.

But when I face my fear, I feel such much clearer and stronger.

A huge fear of mine has been allowing love into my life.

Whether this was me loving my own self or me letting someone else into my life.

But we all know that the first step is to heal ourselves.

So, through many panic attacks, crying fits, headaches, stomachaches... etc. I started to face my fears.

With food.

With my own potential. 

With having to be a perfectionist. 

And finally seeing that all I really needed and wanted in the end was love.

All the satisfaction I was seeking from the outside was the satisfaction I needed to find within. 

And yes, I still have my bad days. But there is also a lot of good.

When you focus on loving yourself, this magical thing happens where you being to know what you want, and you lovingly won’t back down.

You begin to have faith in yourself, and lovingly don’t care if anyone else believes in you.

You take care of yourself.

You trust and have faith that everything will work out (but you do gotta put in some passionate effort). 

But it all begins within.

To trust in and have complete faith in yourself... no matter what weight you are at, no matter what your income, no matter what kind of car you drive, who you know, and so on...

...that complete and utter faith in yourself to move beyond your fears, all the while taking care of yourself and trusting in the unknown...

...that is living life to it’s fullest.

I wish for you inner peace and resilience. 

All is well.

Just have faith in yourself.

Love always,

Me.

[keyrascovill-blog]

The Reality of Relationships

I feel like I have PTSD from dating.

Ok. I guess I really haven’t been dating per se, lately, but whatever.

When I was a little girl, I didn’t really buy into the whimsical Disney fantasies of finding your “Prince Charming” and true romance and all that crap. 

From a very young age, I think I had this innate understanding, for myself at least, that, while very enticing, this fantasy realm of being with one person for ever and ever, (or until one of you dies, or cheats, or is just a scum bag and you didn’t find out until too late because you rushed into marriage because you believed in some lie a fictional tale told you when you were young), is simply not real.

I do believe that someone can be that “one” for an interval of your life when your in a certain stage of your inner development and growth. But I also believe that people grow apart from each other. Just like friends. 

Come on, how many people have the same friends that they’ve always had, and/or have been married to the same person without having that “dark period” that nobody mentions because, god damnit, they’ve been married for 50 years. Bravo! You deserve a medal. The “Medal of Tenacity”, I think I’d call it. 

But haven’t they said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results”? (I Googled this).

So now, what I’ve been finding is that people like me, who believe what I believe, but have been raised by parents who are, due to the above stated quote, are, certifiably, “insane”, (sorry Mom and Dad, love you <3 <3!), are staying with actually insane people (abuse and the like), because relationships are hard; you gotta work for it.

While there is a certain truth to the fact that people are people, there is absolutely no reason to stay with someone who cheated, or calls you a whore (or worse), or who beats you, or rapes you. You can forgive, but honey, you cannot forget. Those people do not deserve you. You deserve someone who can give you space to be you, and vice versa, and who understands that maybe you’ll be together forever or maybe you won’t. But you’ll be faithful and truthful, and honest, the whole time that relationship is in existence. 

Who knows?

The other side of this is the growing divorce rate. Listen folks, I would offer you this. Try it before you buy it. Don’t rush into things. If you wanna just hit and quit it, say that. Everyone appreciates honesty (maybe....). But in the long run, you’re saving a lot of people’s lives is all I’m saying...

...So back to me dating.

I’ve only had a few legit relationships. Those were learning experiences in and of themselves.

All the rest of my experiences aren’t unlike many other girls and guys I know.

It just seems like everyone is so afraid of commitment (I am included, and that is a whole other topic that needs to be dealt with).

And, it seems I’ve very much undervalued myself as a woman.

So, when a person from the past all of a sudden showed up, (via text. who shows in person anymore?), I took my newfound celibacy, (ok, it’s because I don’t like anybody and I’ve gotten one too many UTI’s that, I was like, I can do this better myself anyway), and shoved it up his ass.

I just don’t get it. I am nobody’s side chick/I was bored, why not?/hit it and quit it/whatever. Get that straight, son.

And now it’s time that I start treating MYSELF with respect and not allowing guys who clearly have no respect for me or my needs and values, into the very beautiful world that is me.

And neither should you.

That’s right. 

Love always,

Me. 

**************I am attaching some edited texts form the douche hole that blew me up last night.*************

[keyrascovill-blog]

Where Are Your Manners?

Dear Social Media,

You have made me lose all respect for myself.

And you done, done that to about a bajillion other people too.

Let me just stop here and say... NO, this is not gonna be a long spiel on how social media has messed us up as a society and how we have a high prevalence of ego driven disrespect than ever.

These are just simply observations, of course.

I think having a greater connectivity with people anywhere in the world is a FABULOUS thing. Don’t get me wrong here.

But, (extremely long pause), somewhere in this mix we jumped from saying hi to our neighbor to not even being able to see them because we are too “busy” occupying our minds and our time on ducky faced selfies for Snapchat.

There was absolutely no social standard or incubating period for us to understand how to transition social media into reality. 

So now take people who maybe have a hard time finding the right words to say to someone in a person to person situation. Or someone who has, there whole life, been told they weren't good enough.

Social media allowed us to say, “Fuck you”, to all this mumbo jumbo... at least in the world of the good ole internets.

It did not, however, remedy the real problem .

How to face our fears. And also, how to effectively feel and express emotion.

What’s that you say? You show your emotions every time you grab the wrong drink at Starbucks because you were too busy seeing how many people liked your latest Instagram post and attack the poor barista who made you the right drink (and who was naggingly telling you, “Ma’am, that’s someone else’s drink), but you couldn't “hear” them.

So, we have now cerated chaos, essentially. We operate from a dark meek inner world of fear that feeds on more darkness and more fear. People run around, have digestive issues, medicate to numb the pain, and sit on their computers to connect to other human beings.

Does this seem backwards? Or is it just me??!

The solution?

Stop. Drop. And roll.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

But for real, stop. Take time in your day to pause and breathe and maybe let your internal world catch up with you.

Find a calm environment to be alone and just do something fun. 

Shut off the internet and reconnect with that friend.

Make a bucket list of fears/challenges to face.

Maybe say that thing to that someone in person instead of through a Facebook message.

And maybe, just maybe, say “hi” to your neighbor.

Disrespect comes from our own inner fears and ignorances.

So let down that shield and let a little more love into your heart.

Respect yourself.

Acknowledge yourself!

Be okay with what is.

What shall be shall be.

And so it is.

Much love <3

[keyrascovill-blog]

Introduction

All my life I knew I was different. 

I never cared to fit in.

There was that short interval of time from three to about five where I remember, pure, unadulterated happiness. 

I would literally spend hours, alone, outside; singing, dancing; just being curious about the world and inventing stories to go along with this world I was so curious to find. 

But then shit got real.

School is not kind to the introverted.

Where I thrived in a world free of restrictions or limitations on my creativity, (except for my second grade teacher, Mrs. Hennessey, for whom I am forever grateful for seeing my true abilities), I did not thrive in an extroverted prison that told me who I was supposed to be.

It felt natural for me to never sit still, to dance, to express myself with my body and words... and the world of school (which later would come to also symbolize the world of life in general), did not allow me the such freedoms I knew to be true not so long ago.

After being bullied for being “quiet”, and after years of being told the should’s of life... I began to find myself fall into a serious of different eating disorders and depressions.

Enter 2016. Introversion is becoming a thing. Lucky me.

Millions of articles are being produced on the minds of introverts, that something percent of the population are introverts, this and that about introverts. 

Thank god.

Though I’ve found myself in intense therapies for many years, the world’s acceptance of the fact that some people just need space... well, that totally is beginning to help me let go of all those controlling mechanisms that I sought out to beat myself up for not being good enough.

So power on introvert (and extrovert... and everything in between).

It’s goddamn 2016. Be yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself.

And I am so grateful to all the things that have made me become who I am today.

Peace and love.