killinglonliness - Tumblr blog

killinglonliness · 5 years ago

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I’M COMING OUT! (Kind of)

Hi there! I know many of you are not interested in my personal life as I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but today I wanted to write something extremly personal that I really needed to get out of my chest.

YES, I’m coming out of the closet.

BUT, not in the way many do.

ALSO, I’m not sure it counts as “coming out“.

I created this tumblr account to write my thoughts on sexuality (First MY sexuality, and second what I think about some aspects of sexuality itself), without letting my family or friends know about it.

I know many of you will say that I should do it, but here is where I may be a bit controversial about the “coming out” part. Prepare for it: I DON’T LIKE LABELS.

I fully support the LGBT+ community and I don’t think anyone is wrong. It just doesn’t work for me. And how I came to that conclusion?

All my life I’ve been living whitout caring much about my sexuality in terms of labels. My family is religious, firmly catholic, and I AM too. But they never pressured me to be “girly” or to “have a boyfriend”. My next door neighbours were a GAY COUPLE, AND I KNEW IT. My mom never said anything about them, neither did my dad.

They taught me to respect the others, and even though they didn’t fully agree with gay couples, they never hated on them. So, as a little kid I was pretty much ok with my neighbours being gay. ALSO they were extremly handsome (haha sorry). One was a pilot and the other a doctor.

Now that I think about them, they were the perfect example of an ‘accepted by their families’ couple. As they had family parties every now and then, and I never saw or heard a commotion of some sorts. So, yeah, I knew the concept of being gay, but no one told me with the specific word that my neighbours were gay, nor did they told me it was wrong.

So, cool. Romantic love is not only for heterosexual couples. Love has no limits. I understood it early in life and I never questioned it, not even when I fulfilled my duties as a catholic. I knew not all of it could be right or wrong, true or false.

ABOUT ME. Well, as I said, I was born in a catholic family, with ancestries that defied the same religion they believed in, not because religion itself, but because of the institution it was ruled by. Also, I have a direct gay ancestry and it was never hidden to me, and he was loved by his family until he died, even if it was somehow taboo.

When I was a kid I felt attracted mostly to males, in high school it was the first time I felt attracted to females. And nowadays I have no romantic interests hahaha even if I do feel quite lonely.

AND getting to the point I was trying to get at. I don’t entirely identify as Gay, Bisexual or Demisexual, wich are the ones I relate the most to. I DON’T LIKE describing myself as any of those as I don’t like describing myself as heterosexual.

I was never questioned, I expressed my support for the LGBT+ community even against my parents, but I also didn’t talk about it much. Maybe because I’m socially awkard, an introvert and mostly quiet. I won’t feel offended if someone asks me “Are you part of the LGBT+ community?” but also I would likely answer NO.

I don’t feel the need to be part of it to be myself. I’m comfy with who I am, and if in the near future I want to declare to someone, anyone, I will.

BUT, early this week I felt concious.

The last year I joked with my auntie when I saw a pair of trainers with a rainbow pattern and told her “Hey look! To support the LGBT+ community!”. And my aunt laughed, I laughed, we weren’t going to buy it, and I kinda liked them, but hey! I don’t have the money!

The past month my auntie bought a T-shirt with a rainbow pattern, and she gave it to me because it didn’t fit her and was a bit too tight. I liked it but never got to use it... ‘till monday. And I had to take my dog for a walk. Out there with the rainbow fully exposed. I didn’t feel weird at all... untill I found a friend (ok, I kinda like him) and his mother walking with their dogs... and they eyed me “funny” (mostly his mother), but greeted me as usual. We’ve known each other since I was 6 and him 4, but never been that close.

Maybe I’m overthinking but after that I became a bit concious and noticed other people looking at me like that. I’m not against the pride flag, but am I going to be labeled as ‘gay’ just from a rainbow?. I don’t know... I didn’t like the look. but I like the shirt. Man I feel conflicted. I don’t like to be judged ‘cause I don’t judge.

I know we’re not there, yet. But for me it’s as obvious as laws of nature. Why others can’t understand and accept what is different. And, I don’t know maybe I’m the wrong one and I shouldn’t be reacting when labeld as gay because partialy I am, but I don’t feel the necesity to say so, because it will only matter when I’m with my significant other.

Yeah, I’m Bi, I’m Demi, who knows? I’m a woman, I’m 26 now (If you’re reading this on July 2nd, 2020), and the only insecurities I have are from being obese.

:D PLEASE, feel free to comment, and help me get through this blog writing my thoughts on sexuality. Say if you agree or not, ask me anything! I’d love to talk to someone about this, and see if anyone feels like me. If you made it this far, thank you for reading!!

#Sexuality #coming out #something like that #my thoughts #LGBT+

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