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[kyeojinsum]

Polaroid Giveaway time!! To celebrate my url change :]

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This is a super quick giveaway, so it closes on Monday, September 7th!

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#2 The year of anxiety, tuberculosis and learning

To worthy reader,

Happy new year! I know it's been awhile since my first post. There were times when things happened and I did wanna write about them here but I just couldn't bring myself to do that maybe because I was lazy or... I didn't have that much emotional strength... I don't know. But really a lot happened this year and even though almost no one is reading these I wanna write a review of 2019 just so I can come back, re-read and remember.

So January, pretty standard month. Tried to follow my resolutions but failed. Also since my board exams were coming up, I cut myself off of social media and didn't really talk to friends. February also went just like that. Then March, board exams were finally here. My first two exams went pretty well but the last three were a disaster. They had all been scheduled in one week on alternate days. Got so anxious before psychology exam that I had to go sleep in my parents' room. The irony lol, psychology exams effed up my mental health the most. But I guess it was my fault as I had not studied harder.

Anyway moving on to April, I had thought that this month was gonna be filled with relief as my boards had just ended and I could finally chill. But no, my friends started talking about the various coaching centres they had been joining to prepare for college entrance exams. That was again a very difficult time for me as it appeared to me that I had suddenly been thrown out into the world. I was really confused as I didn't have plans to give any entrance exams as what would I give them for? Yeah my career planning was non existent. So I went to get career counseling and I was suggested that I should try for a degree in the educational field. I got into a coaching institute to prepare for the exam but I still felt almost restless somewhere inside. I really don't know how to explain it...

Then May rolled in and so did the result of my board examination. It was bad... I cried and regretted not studying harder. But crying now was useless so I decided to study really hard and crack the entrance exam. We know this is not gonna happen lol. Not gonna lie, I tried but couldn't prepare really well for a number of reasons but I won't tell because they would sound like excuses and maybe they are excuses. But then June came and I was getting sicker and sicker. Oh I forgot to mention that I had not been well since April. It started as constant coughing then I got a fever almost every evening. So in June I finally got diagnosed with tuberculosis. It's fine now. I am still on the medication but it's fine for the most of the part. I also made my first post on here in June as I felt really lonely then.

July, the month of college admissions, results of entrance exams and my eighteenth birthday. Choe got into a relatively good college with her preferred course which is really good. Sarang got into a good college but the course is well... Not the best. And me... I didn't cut it for the educational degree and neither did I meet the qualifications of any good state university college. On the day of my birthday, I went to apply for admission in one of the colleges. I had just the needed percentage for the sociology course. While standing in one of the lines during the admission procedure I got an anxiety attack ( I honestly don't know what to call that condition as I don't want to be throwing around mental health terms but I basically get really anxious resulting in me feeling dizzy, my blood pressure dropping and me not being able to stand so I guess I do get attacked by anxiety). Someone has very truly stated that if you don't get a mental breakdown on your birthday then is it even your birthday? Anyway so I didn't end up getting the admission as I hadn't studied sociology in school and hence didn't qualify. I'm actually okay about it now as that college isn't that good and I'm not even interested in sociology but at that time I was devastated to say the least. I pulled myself together for my birthday party in the evening. Nothing grand obviously, just some close friends, including Sarang and Choe. And another friend, Byuli ( I will tell more about her later ). Everyone was discussing about college, Sarang and Choe about their new colleges and since Byuli is an year elder, telling about what to expect from college. And then there was me, just sitting there and stuffing my face with cake... Later on in the end of July I did get into an okay college and my course is also pretty fine - a combination of political science and history.

College had started in July only but since I got my admission pretty late, I joined in August. To sum it up, college is okay. I go, attend my lectures and come back. My classmates are nice and helpful but that's about it, we are not exactly friends. Can be because I joined when everyone had formed groups and I didn't go regularly because I still had tuberculosis at that time and my doctor had told me to avoid exertion as much as possible. But I'm fine with it, I don't love to socialize. August and September were spent in getting used to college.

October was the time of my Hot Girl... Fall (?) What I mean to say is that loneliness was really getting to me and I decided that I'm gonna get myself a boyfriend ( wild, I know ). So for the first time I downloaded Tinder and it was fun for a while but I got bored after a few weeks. And no guy I talked to there was genuinely interesting. The rest of the year was rather uneventful as I gave my first semester exams in December. The ending weeks of 2019 were fun though. I met a lot of my old friends and well yeah that was 2019.

This year was of trying, not trying hard enough, anxiety, stepping into the adult world, disappointment, realisation but at the end, of maturing. I don't particularly love it but every experience teaches something. Not sure if I actually learnt anything lol. But I hope 2020 would be better or more like I would try to make it better...

Love Kyeojin

[kyeojinsum]

#1 Can emotional outbursts happen because of medicine

To worthy reader,

I write type this post with weak arms. Weak maybe because I'm actually weak from me being sick for a month now or from the emotional outburst I had a several minutes ago. Or maybe from both. You might be wondering why did I have an emotional outburst (or might be not but please bear with me :)). Well that's because I don't have anyone. Truly, I do have people in my life; an actually caring and loving family, and a bunch of old and new friends who are all nice. But this is pretty much all on the surface. I don't want to shade anyone and these people are actually not bad but I just can't open my heart to any of them.

I realized the fact that I don't really have that one special person who I could tell everything about myself to, or open my heart to, sometime last year. I had been feeling blessed that I'm surrounded by the most caring and nice people and I were so thankful of them (and I still somewhat still am). But even though they are nice I just can't come to tell them the things I really want to talk about. I have known some of these people for more than half of my life now but I still can't tell them the things I ache to talk about. And it's probably my fault that it is like this. No one really stops me from talking but today is not the time to talk about that, we will talk about everyone separately in other entries (?). Today I am writing so you know the reason why I created this blog.

As I said in the very beginning of this blog that I type this with shaking hands maybe because of an emotional outburst, let's talk about that. I have this friend, let's call her Sarang. We have been friends since 12-14 years now. We met on the first day of school and were every year in the same class till eighth grade. And even after that we didn't lose contact. That might be because of another person, Choegoui (sorry for making a difficult fictional name). We three, me, Sarang and Choe, have been friends for around 14 years. And if Sarang and I were in the same class till eighth grade, then plus those eight years, Choe and I shared 4 more years in the same class. And we three are "best friends". To be honest, I don't really like this tag because it's just there since we have been together for almost all our lives (we are 17). Actually Sarang is turning 18 this week and it all started because of that.

I was preparing a birthday present for Sarang and thought a letter and some pictures of her would be cute. But I don't really have any pictures of her with me so I decided to log into my untouched-for-months-until-now Facebook account. I looked up Sarang's account and she had a lot of pictures so I started scrolling. Pictures of her and her family came up but I wanted the best so I kept scrolling. Soon I could see a lots of posts Choe had tagged her on. They had gone places together and there were pictures from then with lovely captions. These posts kept on increasing in number and I realized I have hardly any pics with either of my friends. And I'm not even being jealous because I know it's my fault.

Sarang and Choe are closer than any of them are to me because... Well they just happen to be. Maybe because I'm a bit socially reserved and don't talk as much as they do. The pictures they clicked at all these places I talked about, I could have been with them at that time. One was from a trip to a nearby hill station to which I had been invited to but I didn't go because their parents were going but my parents couldn't go and didn't allow me to go either because they thought I would inconvenience the others and that is not false. Some others were from a school trip to Germany where I couldn't go again because my parents didn't allow because it was expensive. Like so, there were some other from a day out to a trade fair, to again I was invited but couldn't go because I woke up late... Completely my fault.

But I'm not jealous just kinda sad that I excluded myself. And initially when I looked at these pictures, I went full on sad, like almost gonna cry sad. But now I'm calmer. Can emotional outbursts happen because of medicines or fever or such because I had these?

Sorry if this had mistakes or wasn't the best writing ever as I just wrote it at the moment, not editing or anything. Since there are things I can't tell people in my life I will tell them to you, that's why you are worthy. So thank you for reading :)

Love Kyeojin