kyetalksshit - Tumblr blog

[kyetalksshit]

got my "new" car today

it's a 1998, it's only 3 years younger than me lmao oof

gonna do some protection magic and cleansing and bindings and stuff on it tomorrow, I feel like her name is something older like tootie or something? idk lol

i wanna be relieved and excited about the car but honestly a chunk of me is just simply worried. I'm glad to be back on the road again but i'm concerned about all the issues it has already and so many quirks. apparently she'll only take 93 gas (which is fucking 4.30-ish right now and like fuck dude goddamnit i may as well still be in fucking California with those prices) and I can't let it get below 1/4 tank (but really should keep it above 1/2 tank apparently??) or it'll start acting up bc it'll start getting all dirty and stuff. hate that lol i'm a very "i've gotten further on less gas it'll be fine" kind of person. partly because i'm fuckin poor tbh lol but yk. i'll adjust I guess, especially once I have more money in my account. i'm so beyond broke right now.

that's the other thing too, I'm paying 125 weekly for this through January 2025. which is MORE per month than the last car I had which got repossessed. so i'm a bit nervous honestly.

i mean look, my team orchestrated this deal for me to begin with and I have been reassured that in time it will be fine and I can relax. so really I should just be excited, and in a way I am, really. I just also haven't quite had the time to explore the car in a positive way yet, I signed the paperwork and gave him literally all my money right before work today, barely got home and then to work on time (in fact I was 5 minutes late). and the emergency brake issue as soon as I got in my car was not the most fun experience i've ever had. like to the point that I was praying to Cernunnos and asking him if I needed to try and back out of the deal (even though i've signed paperwork and everything and it's too late now legally speaking). he reassured me of course. but yeah, so far all of my time in my new car has been full of stress. I'm sure once i've had a few days (and the money for gas and stuff) I'll feel better about everything.

anyway. it's been awhile since i've just done a thought stream blog instead of a dream post or a poem, but i'm drinking (out of celebration AND stress haha) and needed to process the acid in my gut a little bit.

(if you want to buy a tarot reading from me rn I could very much use it lolol linktr.ee/chaosandmoss )

[kyetalksshit]

my dream last night was chaotic and difficult and I only remember glimpses. I was just reminded of a moment with thorns because I was checking my rune app and it mentioned poems that talked about thorns.

so I remember at one point traversing some kind of land to get... somewhere? (will go deeper in a sec) and I have this very vivid memory of, in my dream, accidentally touching thorns and getting them stuck on my right hand. it was very painful (and I almost remember physically feeling it...) and the people I was traveling with (p sure one was my cousin crystal) had to stop and turn back to help me. I unstuck the thorns from my hand as best as I could and met them halfway, incredibly distressed, but there were still thorn slivers that were stuck in my finger, and not only that but somehow the base of that finger and also a part of my wrist were wrapped super tight and cutting off circulation and physically warping my skin, even though it was just thorns. the people I was with (again, my cousin I think and maybe my little sister?) tried for a second to help but there was some kind of sound that alerted us to danger and that we had to keep going and rush to our destination, and only once we were hidden could they help get it off. so we're running and I just keep staring at my hand and freaking out and being upset that I can't detangle it myself because I can't even see the strings that are wrapped around my finger and wrist cutting off circulation. like the thorns suck but I can get those out later, these strings could make me lose my entire finger or hand???

i remember at some point getting to a safe spot (not to our destination but a hideout of sorts) and crystal (?) turned to me and explained that the thorns I touched shoot out strings of cotton when someone gets stuck in them, like a defense mechanism. she was going to try to help me detangle them but something happened that she had to focus on. but after she told me about the cotton I suddenly could see the strands I couldn't see before? it looked like a spiderweb at its thinnest, but as I started to gently unravel myself, it started to look more like floss. as it turned out, there was even more than what was just cutting off my circulation, there was also some draped around my shoulders and wrapped lightly around my arm before the intense wraps around my finger and wrist. but I DID finally get myself free before we continued on.

before that, I remember being on the interstate in a hay bale ride type thing? it was flatter than that but that's the closest I can describe it as. and I (and the few other people riding there with me) was laying flat and gripping onto the sides. weirdly, it was also on the front end of the truck which doesn't make any sense to me but yk. and at one point my cousin crystal was in a drone plane above me. I saw it and thought "omg that's probably crystal lol" but didn't say anything bc I was in a flat truck bed on the interstate, but then she backed up and I saw a camera come out and look down at me. knowing it was her, I risked letting go of the bar for a second to wave at her, and she waved back and then the dumbass just jumped straight to the road from her drone plane (which... either disappeared or had other people in it that flew it away? idk lol) and I was like whAT ARE YOU DOING YOURE GONNA GET YOURSELF KILLED BRO and she ran and hopped on the truck bed with me and the strangers I was on. not sure what exactly happened right after that,

but at some point I met up with family and also was waiting for a car to be given to me. I also was dressed up in business clothes and about to apply for a clerical job inside the brick building in the parking lot I saw everybody in. I was on my way inside when my car was delivered, so I walked back and then drove it into the parking spot beside my mom's car, but it kept turning funny so I kept trying and got it parked before going inside. my mom said she'd meet me at her house. when I opened the door to the building though the lights were off and I almost closed the door right back behind myself except I saw someone in there look up at me. so I opened it back up (it looked like grandma earley's house) and apologized and said why I was there. they told me to come on in. the lights stayed off but we did do an interview. I don't remember if I got the job or was told to wait or what, but it was time to leave and meet my mom at her house. I believe I completely forgot about my new car or maybe it disappeared I'm not sure, but I started walking and crystal was there again, and i'm pretty sure my little sister appeared shortly after as well to walk with us. I don't know when it turned into a run, but it may have had something to do with the weather?

although at some point I was in a truck (can't remember if I was driving or not but I think I might have been) with Heather and crystal, and we were looking for somebody specific. I'm not sure who irl but I knew them in my dream and it was very hush hush but we had to deliver a message to them or something. so we went to the meeting spot we all knew of behind a shack of a house, and when we didn't see them, we walked down the sidewalk to the place that they were supposed to be living. but the woman who answered the door didn't know who we were talking about, but she let us in anyway. the house was a bit of a maze and it was very... like political intrigue meets supernatural lol it was a dangerous place to be in and after a little while we were sure it was just a ruse and we had to escape from there. I think after that is when I got stuck on thorns while we were running.

anyway fast forward to after I unraveled myself from the "cotton" from the thorns, we go a bit further and FINALLY find my mom's house. when we get there and get inside, my mom is like omg I was worried about you getting here in this snow! and it had been a warm California day lol so we were like snow?????? and she opened the curtains to the picture window in the living room and sure as shit it was a full foot + of snow outside. she had her books out and some coffee and said something about how harsh and cold it is outside and how much she loves it. I just remember seeing the snow covering up a bag of garbage, and then looking up to stare at the icy tree branches. at one point I even tried to brush some of the snow off the front porch (we somehow entered through the back door or a side door that doesn't actually exist idk it was almost like we opened a door to a different house but the door was a portal and we just appeared at my mom's) but even though a little bit fell, I didn't actually make a dent.

and then I woke up.

[kyetalksshit]

things i have cried about today: (in order)

- frustration/overwhelm at work (&feeling like i was doing everything by myself)

- the gut punch of the car I was gonna buy finally being ready and AT MY HOUSE, and then finding out that I still can't have it yet because my roommate needs it while his car is in the shop

- a misunderstanding with a friend due to (and related to) my previously stated upset

- my cat rushing to cuddle me while I cry

- asking a friend for financial help who previously offered (and the worry over her putting herself out when she's also struggling)

- the fact that my parents simply won't help because I may not be able to pay them back soon, "just business" "you're not mad at me right" "just get a loan"

- my cat rushing to cuddle me while I cry

- my friend asking me about my bills and sending me money unprompted?????? (this made me actually sob)

- my cat rushing to cuddle me and purr in my ear while I cry

- the way my friends are constantly helping me without my asking and shushing me when I tell them they don't have to, vs the way my parents look down their noses at me and go on another cross country trip instead

- revisiting each of these points as I write them in this post

[kyetalksshit]

I'm actually so weirded out but struggling to figure out if this is an opportunity for me??

I've been so tuned in with my spirit team lately and was trying to get my car situation settled without a gap in having a car. I need to renew my license but in nc because it's a California license, and then get a new car from a dealership across the street from my job. I was then gonna let my car loan company repo their car. It was supposed to be nice and smooth right?

Well on Tuesday night I went to go visit my friend Jen for the first time in months, at her new apartment in high point. We did some INTENSE spellwork and I called in some favors, including the car situation.

And then on Wednesday, we left the apartment at 330pm so I could take her to work and head home (and renew my license the NEXT DAY on Thursday), but my car was just Gone.

It was a mess - I was simultaneously having a panic attack and feeling a bubble of calm in my gut. I was flabbergasted at the timing - right after successful spellwork (we checked in on the energies and everything went great so???) and the ONE DAY I was almost 3 hours from home. 😭 I thought it was stolen at first, filed a report, etc but found out on Thursday it was repossessed. How they found me I'm not sure, the insurance lady said sometimes they'll contract out tow trucks to just drive around and pick up whatever cars they can find on their roster so it may have been that. But again such crazy timing.

My friend Remi came and picked me up which almost made me cry lol and we ate at Jen's bar before heading home.

Anyway, I wasn't able to get my license renewed on Thursday because I couldn't get there until like 130pm after all the phone calls and stuff, and the dmv had no availability. So I'm going to go on Monday morning before work and pray to my gods that it works out.

I also asked for money, for my taxes to come back early so I don't have to wait until next Friday (my next paycheck), and straight up 10 minutes later it showed up in my bank account. My friend sent me $100 completely unprompted????? I cashed out $25 from a site that usually takes the full 5 business days and it was in my account in 30 minutes????

So as long as I get my license on Monday (because it's illegal to drive on an expired license and also I assumed you needed a VALID license to buy a car), the plan is to drive straight to the car lot across from work and pick up a car. There are a few there for $500 down and they don't check credit and repos are ok so it will work out. I've also heard good things about that place from the people at my job who have gotten cars with them.

But now my roommate?? Who is a used car dealer (with admittedly mixed reviews on Facebook marketplace at least) is so?? Frantic to help me??? He wants to find a car at an auction for like 2K for me, take the 500 down, and charge me 100 a week until it's paid off. And he keeps saying "you live with me, I'm not gonna sell you a car that doesn't run".

And I'm just so confused and conflicted because like. My team WOULD do something like this lmao but at the same time I cannot stand him??? He's a terrible roommate and keeps the place so disgusting that I bought a mini fridge and microwave so my "kitchen" is entirely in my room. I only go downstairs (where he is 24/7) to take my dog outside or to leave the house. He's loud, he's messy, he complains about tufts of my dog's hair building up over the course of a week but leaves literal garbage all over the floor and has been sleeping in the living room even though he has a bedroom with a whole bed?? I've slung some evil eye his way (mostly not on purpose but he's pissed me off countless times in just the 2 months I've been here, and the only times I've slung any on purpose it was to get him to take his company outside or to be quiet) and want to move out as soon as my car situation is settled. But also he doesn't want to charge me interest because apparently it's against his religion?? So it would be paid off in like 3 months-ish and then I wouldn't have to worry about a repo again? And it IS weirdly serendipitous that he owns a car dealership.

The problem is that my personal issues with him and disdain for seeing him at all means that I'd rather not have any ties to him and I immediately was like fuck no. But on the other hand it WOULD be a good deal honestly as long as the car was actually decent. So idfk man.

Time for divination I guess? I told him I need to talk to my parents about it but I've been soured against my parents for the moment tbh lol so what I really meant was "let me talk to my gods (two of who DO assume parental roles hahaha so ig it's not that far off) and my friends and my tarot cards" lol

[kyetalksshit]

I stare at the wall, dry mouthed

this week's rages

roaring through my head.

My coffee, once steaming

sits full on the desk as

cold and bitter as

I was when I made it.

Through the open window,

a gentle breeze rushes

in to accost me. I stand

just to curse at the clouds.

[kyetalksshit]

dream log

hi I'm supposed to leave for work in 2 minutes but I'd forgotten about my dream mostly from last night, until a few minutes ago when I saw Anastasia from Moonlight and Sage on TikTok (and irl, there's a shop now, I've been to it) on TikTok and was like !!!!! my dream! lol

so I have no time, BUT

I do remember that I was with a friend, maybe jess I think? and I was in her house while she was gone to work for some reason. I eventually got bored and made some snacks, and then I met the roommates/neighbors? It was Anastasia and her gf (irl she has a bf but it's fine). they were actually really unhappy together but putting on a big show of being super happy and in love but like the tension was palpable and it was so clear. so the gf retreated to go do whatever and I got to just hang out with Anastasia. she ofc wasn't super enthusiastic because she'd just had a big fight with her gf but she was nice. I told her I loved her shop and her siren oil, and thought she was cool. we were becoming friends a little bit and I witnessed a few more fights between her and her gf. jess came back at one point and I was eating her croutons I don't know lol.

anyway that's p much it but the Anastasia in my dream felt so real and vivid esp compared to all the other aspects that seemed dreamlike and slippery and fake, and I thought that was cool. and suddenly today there were like 10 of her videos on my fyp even tho I haven't seen her on my fyp in awhile except that one broom video that I made a video about.

maybe we'll become friends irl lmao I don't know

ok I'm late BYE

[kyetalksshit]

Another dream log!!!

I remember being in college for a lot of it even though I was also 29 in the team and it felt weird, and I acknowledged that I was living in a dorm again and about to move again (everyone else was moving out because it was the end of the semester) and since irl I know I'm not staying here long my brain decided that my place was a dorm in this dream.

A lot of that is fuzzy, I remember driving at one point and trying to hide from a cop, and I think there was a murder or something and a whole thing about a vampire? Oof I'm not sure what the plot was but I was in this big dark house locking every door and window so terrified someone would come in and the one who did was like... my vampire boyfriend or something I guess? I may also be misremembering the context because I'm awake.

Anyway, the most prominent bit that is still in my brain was at the end. It was my last day at petsmart (did not look like petsmart at all tho, I didn't recognize any coworkers, and the cage cards for the animals looked like the ones at my current job but I digress). There was a whole section of adoptable cats. And even knowing that I have a dog and two cats at home (irl AND in the dream) I was still determined to adopt one of these cats to give someone for my cats to play with, not totally taking the consequences into play such as I WOULD SUDDENLY HAVE FOUR ANIMALS AND STILL NOT OWN A HOUSE.

So at first I do the paperwork myself at the end of my shift to adopt this black cat. As we're getting him out I see that he has an ear infection and meds. I sign the cage card like I did the medication for him because I will now that I'm his new parent.

I take him home and my pets like just don't acknowledge him at all and vice verse. He is sweet and wants pets but he doesn't have the vibe I was looking for and he ends up looking entirely different up close than I'd thought. So the next day even tho I don't work there anymore I pack him up like I do, and take him with me. I quietly put him back and reverse the charge (I remember thinking he was $111 but when I was ready to adopt him saw he was $1,114 and was like uhhhhh wait I can't afford that, so my coworker at the time -- who looked like Jackie from my current irl job -- took off anything extra and just charged me like $60 for his shots and chip and stuff. So when I went to return him I expected $60 back but I got like $32 instead).

I do also remember feeling guilty about adopting and then immediately returning a cat and I rehearsed in my head what to say so nobody would think I was a bad person for it, and after I returned him and was looking back and forth for another one, my irl coworker Jackie came back and was being judgy and I said what I'd rehearsed, that he didn't really mesh or get along with my other cats, and Jackie was like ???? So???? You need to try harder! And I was like ???????? Because I don't know how to tell them I just didn't like this cat's real personality when I got it home.

I then walk back and forth and see that there are more cats today and keep almost getting different ones! I remember a little blonde cat named Nervous who ate Doritos and I was told that she was 11 years old. I met another black cat (name was like Friskie or something I don't know) with a few prominent white hairs and I wanted to take her home, but she was too much of a cuddlebug and wasn't going to play with my first cats. There were a couple times I saw a cat I liked but there was something that kept me from adopting them, or I wouldn't like any of them and keep pacing back and forth like when you expect the fridge to magically have what you're craving but it doesn't.

And then finally, FINALLY it occurs to me that hey, my cats are fine, they can play together or with me? And having 3 pets already makes it hard enough to move around LET ALONE if I had 4 and cats are expensive too so maybe I just shouldn't get a 4th cat?

And then I woke up.

[kyetalksshit]

Omg I came on here to post a cute lil blurb about how much I love my friends and was reminded that I'm SUPPOSED to be keeping a dream journal more or less hahaha oops

Anyways last night's dream was... a trip and a half tbh so let's recap it while I still remember (even tho it's almost 1am and I should be asleep but here we are)

There was definitely a smaller dream that i completely did not remember even when I first woke up, let alone now. But the last dream...

SO. I get home from work or wherever and I come back downstairs with my dog so she can go potty outside. I notice that there are a lot of people running in and out moving my roommate's stuff out of the house. I'm like omg thank the gods maybe he's moving out and I'll have the place to myself for a little while!!!

I ask someone in passing (I think it was his family or friends) "hey is he moving out?" And they're like "huh?? No, he's not leaving." I'm like 🤨

Then once the living room is cleared out, they bring in this HUUUUUUGE couch like one that has no business being that big. And I overhear someone (or maybe I just knew somehow? Idr) saying that he can afford to upgrade now that he's got this extra money (ie me paying rent). I then see a little dog that looks a lot like his dog that passed a few years ago irl but with a bit of husky? I'm like ?? Weird that he didn't tell me he got a dog but I've got pets here so ig it's not that big of a deal. I pet the dog and say hi.

...then I meet ANOTHER dog, this time a big St. Bernard/GSD mix named Tuck (who I know irl because of my job but in this dream he was now also my roommate's dog). I'm like?????? Wtf man

AND THEN I MEET A THIRD DOG. This one is a small doodle of some kind with wiry hair and smells awful and in dreamland I had a memory of this dog being at the house one other time overnight and I was complaining because it was very yappy. So knowing that not only were there suddenly THREE NEW DOGS in the house without my knowledge, but that at least one of them was gonna be yappy and irritating???????? 🙄😭

I'm irritated but letting my dog play outside and I guess my sister or friends or something are there too because I'm chatting with them about how annoyed I am and I drop my phone, only to pick it up and be DEVASTATED because the screen is SHATTERED literally shattered like to the point that touching it is making my finger bleed. I tape it and then my friend/sister is like wait a minute he has more pets??

I'm like IM SORRY WHAT and she points and says there's a bunny there and one, two, three cats. So that means he has 7 animals??????

Idr how but somehow I find out that he's had the bunny and 3 cats this whole time but made a point to hide them from me. Which is bad enough but three dogs ON TOP OF THAT???? Sets me off.

So I start bringing my dog inside (and now all his friends/family are gone and so are my friends and my cats somehow got out of my room so now I have to wrangle them too) and I see him laying on the couch under a single throw blanket, snoring. And I'm so mad. Because irl he keeps sleeping on the couch EVEN THO HES LIKE 50 and I hate it, so ofc I also hate it in the dream.

I start mumbling to myself about how irritating that is and then start directing that energy at him and getting louder, and he wakes up. I continue yelling at him louder and louder about how he is a grown ass man with a bedroom and a mattress upstairs and it's so frustrating to have to tiptoe past him all the time, and then I bring up how he has people over every single night (which irl he was, though recently it's been more sparse, which is v interesting that it lined up in the dream) and then say I mean you've been getting a LITTLE better on that but-- (about to transition into how LOUD he is on his own)

And he interrupts me by yelling "yeah that fell through, so THANKS FOR THAT!" (Like implying I did magic to force them out)

I go "I DIDNT DO ANYTHING?????? BUT IM GLAD THEYRE GONE"

And this red knotted string on the wall (like those Chinese good luck pendants) that in this moment i understand to be one of his wards, falls off the wall and onto his head. Like as if by saying "I'm glad they're gone" I hit one of his wards and it broke right in front of us and bonked him on his head (giving him nasty repercussions).

He turns to me so angry and curses at me in what my dream self interpreted as Arabic (his native language), like he was cursing me out but also trying to fling evil eye at me. I spit it back at him to deflect that energy, scoop up my pets, and storm upstairs to my room. And as I do I yell down "GROW THE FUCK UP." And then I slam the door behind myself, leaving him speechless below.

I remember collapsing on my bed with my pets and then going ok yeah no I need to move, I cannot stay here and live like this. And then of course I have a panic when I realize that my (shattered 😭) phone is still outside where I had it last and I do NOT want to pass him to go get it.

And then I wake up.

[kyetalksshit]

hi I'm trying to log my dreams a bit when I remember so here's my dream from last night:

(please keep in mind that all of this was written with speech to text so if there are mistakes, or if it reads a little weird and like a long run on sentence, please ignore that)

-

OK, so my dream last night, I keep remembering flashes of when I was walking around this antique store. I was there before it closed, and I remember it was very cluttered, like there was a whole Lotta stuff in there, and so much to see and it was to the point where you could easily get lost in there. And then at one point the Shopkeep was like OK we're closing up. The light started turning off and I didn't want to leave, so I hid. And at least at first I successfully stayed in there past close. And I don't remember if he was with me before then, or not, but Loki was there with me. I remember him pulling out like shelves and something like oh my God look at all of this stuff and like I would walk past a room, thinking it was empty and he would just like wordlessly go in and open up a bunch of cabinets and I'd be like oh shit and I'd go back in there with him and see that there were like shelves and shelves full of like porcelain dolls and old antique salt and pepper shakers and like doll houses and things like that. Like there would be so much to look at, and I had no idea until he was like I'm just gonna open all of this stuff now. And the Shopkeep, even though the store was closed, kept coming around and we kept having to hide and I think it one point he saw us or at least knew that we were in there? So we started trying to run and make sure that we stayed hidden and whatever and not only was this an antique store but some of it seem like it morphed outside, and they were like shrines to gods and tombs that definitely had people in them. When I say tomb though I don't mean like you know Jesus's fucking tomb from the Bible, but like a mausoleum I guess is more what I'm talking about. Like it would be huge for like a family name on it or whatever and it felt very sacred like I did not want to walk in or around any of those. And at one point I'm like climbing between like a mausoleum and a couple different shrines and one of them got activated like I don't member if there was a person there who lit the candle or what happened but I think there was somebody else there trying to honor a God or summoning a God or something and I just remember like feeling the energy shift like oh whoever they were trying to contact is here now. And so I literally out loud to myself because I turned around and I almost went to go see cause I was curious and I was like well I do witchy stuff and I can meet with deities I should maybe just like peek my head in and see who it is and maybe say hi, maybe it's someone I know lol. And I turned around and started walking that way, and I just felt this pit in my gut and Loki wasn't beside me anymore, which also made me uneasy, and I turned back around and got back up on the ledge I was just about to jump down from before I turned back to be like oh, maybe I should, and out loud right before I jumped down from the ledge on the opposite side, I said, nope! Out loud. And kept going.

I had actually forgotten a good bit of my dream until I remembered me saying nope, and jumping down and like leaving that activated shrine, but that is what triggered the memory for me.

There was also something about like I want to say it had something to do with a church service or something and a red cloak keeps sticking out to me now. It's kind of fuzzy at this point, but I do remember looking at a wall and seeing pictures of Loki all over it and again I saw it and I was like oh my God, Loki!! And I went straight to it and then I felt like he was there with me, but I didn't see him as like clearly and solidly as I had when we were in the antique store. In the antique store, it was like he was literally physically beside me and that was really fucking cool. But yeah, it was like once I was out of the antique store and I was in that like semi outdoor church service or whatever that was? I had to pretend either to worship with them, or to hide from them like those are my two options. And I'm just realizing I think that was supposed to be like a Christian metaphor or something but yeah and I don't remember what the red cloak was but I do remember like at one point some of them started to realize that I wasn't actually one of them like a cult kind of and I like turned around and started running and hiding and whatever and I feel like I jumped in a river or a lake or something at one point to hide from them I don't know very odd.

But yeah, all I remember really is that Loki was there with me the entire time either in spirit or in body but yeah, it was very intense and it was very scary, even though it doesn't sound like it should be in retrospect.

[kyetalksshit]

12/30/2023

I'm well aware at this point that this is nothing more than a virtual diary, and tbh I kinda like it that way. I've very recently started being more active again on tumblr and, as is my routine, started scrolling back through my text posts (especially the private ones -- wow there are so many hahaha), and had a wild time reliving the past.

I think it was a private one, but the most recent (or at least one of the most recent) was about Connor, back when we were both still in California. Ironically, we're both back in NC now, and even though I think about them a lot, I'm very relieved I haven't run into them. Thanks to some intel from my sister, I avoid the food lion in our hometown at all costs.

Something I kept thinking though was, it never had to get to that point. We were never meant to be friends that long, and in fact I don't think we were really even meant to be best friends past high school. Maybe even in high school. I mean some of this I've realized on my own ofc, but reading back over how I felt at the time...

Dude that whole friendship started because they fell in love with Kristen, their first best friend, but she was straight and stopped being so close with them after that. I've always been tender hearted and eager for love in any form, and so when they suddenly turned and looked at me and said ok we can be best friends now, instead of being offended that I wasn't appreciated until they had no other option, I excitedly ran into their arms. My family never liked them either, which I should have taken as a red or at least yellow flag, but instead it just made me cling to them more. At some point, my dad trying to tell me that it's ok for high school friendships to falter in college, just fueled my determination to hang onto it no matter how miserable I was.

They literally always took me for granted, and while I think they lowkey hated me, they loved the space that I filled in their life. And the fact that despite all of that, at our absolute worst I was wracked with guilt and pain and tried my hardest to work out my own frustrations on my own instead of calling them out for their toxic and shitty behavior? I understand why I did it, but goddamn I wish I hadn't had to.

Anyway.

I'm back in NC now, just had my first real Christmas in 6 years (or longer if we're not counting the ones where my family and I felt estranged even when I was physically there). It was wonderful and my heart is full. I've been able to see my old friends all the time whether we're playing dnd or not, and I've missed them so much. There have been moments of tension for me lately in that regard but overall I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm in this townhouse for another month and then I'll have to move again, and my roommate is currently silently moving her stuff out today even though we've got another month. I have a new job working at a vet office as a "pet counselor" and I love it.

There's not much going on for me right now except financial stress, planning for my future, and finally getting to spend time with people I love without reserve. But even so, the whole situation with Connor has been so heavy on my mind lately and I just wanted a space to grieve on that for a bit. Not to grieve the end of the friendship, but to grieve the time I lost while putting off the end.

[kyetalksshit]

LMFAO not me calling myself out from all the way back in 2018 when it's currently the end of 2023 hahahahahhaa

[kyetalksshit]

dream log: 7/8/19

henlos friendlos if u enjoyed that last installment of wHAT THE FUCK did i just dream, enjoy another one, this time accompanied by a recurring hellscape that i very very very much do not love!!!!! hahahahahahahahahaha i hate it let’s go

so i started out the dream hanging out with some friends of mine who, for whatever reason, were morgan adams and her friend (whose name i don’t currently remember. i know it but my i am fully blanking lol. it’s her best friend, the one she grew up with and often has in videos. anyway. lol). so i remember we were hanging out, i think on like a road trip or a picnic or something weird? I’m not totally sure but i have a weirdly vivid memory of like a woven picnic basket and sitting in the back of a pickup truck with them in like beach gear and sunglasses? i also vaguely remember a small dog that was mostly white and a little grey with those really short but thick and tight curls. he was very cute and i love him and i wish i remember anything else about him. i don’t think he was in the dream after this. 

so somehow, i guess we lived in a dorm together with this like weirdly big concrete backyard and a pool (honestly if you’ve ever played stardew valley, it kinda looked like the irl version but more condensed and again, all concrete instead of grass or dirt). our room had a sliding glass door that led straight to the back yard. actually, i don’t know for sure if we lived in a dorm because we had a family there and i guess it was both our family? but we weren’t related... but somehow... ugh idk. maybe they were host families and i was living with her in hawaii lmao who knows

anyway. so at one point in the middle of the night one night, i decided to wander around outside to take in the air, look at the stars, and get a little privacy. so when you walk out of the sliding glass doors, basically like a little ways in front of you and slightly to the left was a MASSIVE in ground pool, not covered or anything, vibrant blue water and all, in that like ear shape kind of? and not only was the ground white cement, but there were also these huge industrial lights all the way around the whole yard so you could see really easily at night. to the right of that was a good bit of open space, literally just cement. i think there were a few pool chairs or something. but then when you’re standing in the sliding door, straight ahead but WAYYYYYYYYYY at the back was this small bit of wooden fence. it was odd because everything else was cement or stone or whatever, and wherever it started and stopped on either side was actually conveniently covered by low hanging tree branches and ivy and whatnot. and right in the middle of that little bit of wooden fence was a gate with a rounded top and black iron hinges and a black iron handle. 

me being me, i was drawn to it; the one little naturey part of this concrete and stone yard, so i walked immediately toward it, almost enchanted. instead of pausing to look at it like i’d planned to (for whatever reason i knew that we weren’t allowed to leave the house until the morning, like nightly), i reached straight for the handle and opened it. 

instead of leading out, it actually led directly inside this mansion type place. there were a lot of people running frantically in circles but they didn’t seem to see me. however, there were some like vampire looking people in lab coats who would look at me and nod once, and keep going. i let go of the handle, already inside (although i never noticed taking the steps inside) and the door closed. now this was a place i recognized from MANY previous dreams, and couldn’t remember at first WHY i recognized it, just that it was familiar. but as soon as the door slammed i spun around to leave; that’s NEVER a good sign. but there was no door at all, just wallpaper. like old vintage green and gold wallpaper, separated by a wood accent and the gold side decorated in little green emblems that look like that symbol i can’t remember the fucking name of lol but it’s almost like a trident, since it has three prongs, but the middle one is much taller, the outer two are curved away from the middle, and they all come together at the bottom in the middle. 

panic. 

i suddenly realize that all of the people running frantically are being chased by these vampires in lab coats (and some other various monsters, but mostly vamps in coats), and they’re all screaming various forms of “help me”.

now i began in a small foyer, however there are a few rooms scattered around with no door but they are all pitch black inside, there is an elevator to the left that seems to only be used by the monsters and not the people running, and in the middle is what seems to be a never ending staircase. it goes up and up and up and up and UP and down and down and down and down down down down down. and so on. i start running, trying to find another way out, also yelling for help, and where’s the exit, and i just want to get out of here and such, and i start being chased too!! in the moment this is to be expected; i have been lured here and trapped for consumption. i guess the monsters enjoy the chase; it’s set up like a hotel but also like a doctor’s office. it’s odd. maybe i just got that impression because of the lab coats. 

at some point i happen to lose a vampire and slip into one of the few rooms with an old rickety door on it that is also not locked. it in fact does look like a hospital room, bed/iv/all that, and there’s a curtain to the left. i run over there and find multiple people with fingers to their mouths so i don’t scream when i see them. i think we exchanged like “how long have you been here” and “what’s your story” and stuff, and then we heard the door creak slowly open. we all fell silent. 

it was a doctor. a vampire doctor or a zombie doctor or something, either way he was a monster. idk how i know this, maybe i peeked around the curtain or something, but he was holding a clipboard and looking down at the bed and talking to it as though there were a patient in it. there was not. 

something clicked in my brain and i remembered this place, this room, everything from my past dreams. and the trick is not to run, not to scream. you walk calmly, do your best to not feel the fear pumping through your veins. they will nod at you as they walk. you MUST. nod. back. or you will die. 

as you do so, you will find your door, no matter what floor you’re on. it will be in the same place on that floor that it was when you first entered (on the same wall or whatever). so i waited for the doctor to leave, wished everyone luck (idr if i told them how to leave tbh, i think i mentioned it? but some of them chuckled. like i remember there was a skater boi with long black hair and a beanie sitting up on the counter who like laughed and shook his head but offered no explanation. but either way i had to try it again. if it didn’t work i’d die, but if i didn’t try i’d die too.)

thankfully no one was walking down the hallway as i was exiting, so i was able to shut the door quietly behind myself, straighten my back, and start walking. as i did, the tests began. one doctor nodded and passed. another. another. and as i rounded the corner to my right, i felt a feminine presence beside me. however, you could not make eye contact with anyone but the doctors/monsters. so i kept my head forward as we passed the elevators to the right and my door materialized where i remembered it being. i almost picked up my pace but the girl beside me gently placed a hand on my right forearm (again, not looking at me) and i was reminded to keep my pace steady. i grabbed the handle and exited, and the door slammed shut behind me and i breathed finally, and whipped around to the girl beside me. 

it was morgan. 

she said she’d followed me in there and when she saw what i was doing, decided to follow. i was thrilled to see her. i hugged her tightly and we headed back up to the sliding glass doors. we snuck inside and went to sleep and pretended we never left. 

when we woke up in the morning, our dad and i guess younger sister (suddenly morgan’s friend wasn’t there, i guess she was only there for day 1 idk) decided to take us fishing. we couldn’t really say no, the girl was so excited about it, and our dad made it clear it wasn’t reaaaaally optional. but nevertheless, he was stoked to go, and i felt like it was going to be a good day. 

morgan, however, was acting strange. it was in little ways at first; i’d say her name and she wouldn’t respond, she’d forget that she had to eat, she’d just stop talking for minutes at a time and stare blankly at nothing. but she was trying to... readjust. i knew something was up. 

when it hit me that maybe morgan hadn’t followed me, maybe i brought something else out, literally i didn’t even have to say anything, her eyes just snapped to me. it was fucking spooky to say the least. i waited until we were out of the truck bed and could speak in slight privacy, and i mumbled to her “i know you’re not morgan.” in response, she simply leaned much closer to me, once again walking side by side on my right, looking straight ahead, but she didn’t say anything. she just leaned really fucking close while we were walking. i have this weirdly vivid image of her shirt sleeve being like a delicate and semi see through light pink mesh material. odd. i also am getting the name emily (and did at some point in the dream but idr when). oof i’m still kinda spooked reliving this. anyway. 

so to appease her a little i told her that i wasn’t upset she was using morgan. she straightened a little, and i said i could help her find her way back. again, she still wouldn’t speak to me but she looked at me in alarm, her eyes pleading. so i said maybe i could help her find somewhere else that she could live and morgan could be free. she sighed a little but seemed to agree. 

i somehow knew she was the ghost of a girl named emily who had been trapped in that hotel/hospital/hellscape for decades. again, in hindsight (in the moment and especially now), she never actually spoke. like at all. she communicated but not with words. it was odd.  

after that i have some sort of fuzzy memories of meeting and trying to figure out a way for her to leave morgan alone, some kind of plotting where we’d have to go back into the hellscape and get back out separately, but i don’t remember. i think she had to find a new body (either one that would already be trapped, or maybe her old one, who knows) and it was only ethical to take one from there. morgan, she had just taken the shape of based on my memory of her and then inhabited her body overnight when we got back. anyway. 

so, yeah. i woke up thankfully before we got back, and when i fell back asleep i wasn’t there again. but let me just tell you, the longer i’ve been sitting here typing this, the more freaked out i’m getting, the more i feel eyes on me, and the more i can swear i hear the screams from that hellscape that i’ve been trapped in so many times throughout my years of dreaming. i even thought i felt someone shaking my chair a moment ago. 

i hope u enjoyed this spookfest if you managed to stay captivated long enough. it’ll be too soon if i ever have to see that place again. 

let me know what your thoughts are on this if you have any, or even general spooked reactions and shit. i’m gonna go get a snack to distract myself and watch some cheery youtube videos. 

bye!

[kyetalksshit]

dream log: 7/7/2019

hey friends! i’ve had intense nightmares for the past two nights out of nowhere for the first time in ages, so i thought i should maybe record them! it also says a lot because it’s 8pm on 7/9/19 and i still remember the one from last night and the one before! so i’ll start with the previous night and record the one from last night in a new post. i’d write these in my book of shadows but i need to type because it’s SO much information. okay!

so, dream log for 7/7/19 (or however you wanna see it; like the night of the 7th, waking up on the 8th. ...okay. lol)

I remember I was hanging out with my brother for some reason. I was at his house and I guess I had my cat minnie with me, but honestly i don’t remember if i had her then as well, or if she just came in later. 

so timmy and i were hanging out, and i vividly remember him drinking a beer. eventually i had to leave, i believe the next morning, because i think i slept over. so i got up and went to leave, and some girl (was it courtney, his wife? or maybe it was a random person? lol i have no idea) asked me how to get back home to my house, hell maybe it was my little sister but she’s better at directions than me. i THINK i knew who it was in the moment? anyway.

i do remember that it was kind of weird; i had to go out the back door and go all the way around a corner for some reason and then i was right at the intersection that leads directly to my parent’s house. this is not even close to where his house is or what it looks like outside, but whatever. dreams are weird. 

i don’t remember if i drove anywhere, i feel like i got in a car? but then at some point i was talking to my mom and it was like a phone call except i could see her? and i told her that i had to go home and i’d talk to her later. we “hung up” and i walked away. 

next thing i know, i was walking outside and decided to sit in the middle of this field with long ass grass that kind of looked like wheat. it was bright out, literally like midday, and after a moment i started slowly sliding forward. it was like i had sat down on a conveyor belt but again, i was outside in the grass. it didn’t make sense but i wasn’t alarmed in the dream. a little surprised sure, but figured i’d ride along for a bit. i looked up to see what were supposed to be eagles but looked more like 3d renditions of the legal eagle cogs in toontown. one made eye contact with me, but it had two beaks, one facing in each direction. it only had one eye, and it was in the middle. kind of freaky, but again in the dream i was chill about it. 

the further i go along, the more animals i see. at first, they’re all running around wild in this field. i saw minnie at one point and i think she had come with me, so i was like “shit i should probably pick her up now that there are so many wild animals near us” so i stood up and scooped her up in my arms. she was chill, and we came to the end of the field. it was ended by this wooden bridge over the shallowest of creeks. it was a covered bridge, again all dark stained wood, but not like a roof, just boards coming up around and over, for aesthetic i guess. 

so i start walking through this bridge, and i see a baby lion just chilling on the bridge. i hold minnie a little tighter but have no panic in me, just smile and coo at it as i pass. after we exit the bridge is when i see this long sidewalk, starting about 500 feet to the left of in front of me (two cells; see explanation) and continuing so far to the right that i can’t see the end. it’s full mostly of cells, about as large as a bedroom but all metal and covered in bars, but all separated by about a foot. there are also trees covering where it seems to curve to the right. 

i don’t go to the beginning, but i do walk forward. there is an elephant or something similar in that cell, and i see some more animals, some in cells, some in the creek (and the small pond the creek starts turning into), and i can still see a few on the other side of the water playing in the grass. lots of baby lions, some giraffes, elephants, birds, etc. 

after i go down probably 7 or 8, i come to the bend, which is also covered by a weird covered bridge type thing but it’s not actually a bridge? the floor is metal, like those toolboxes on the back of trucks (very loud when you step on it, every step echoes and clanks), with solid white metal walls and a flat metal roof, but open on the other side. there was a raised portion that also looked like truck tool boxes but it ran the whole span of one side, and there was a mama lion and some cubs running around her. she watched me lazily (but also had a mane so? but i was just positive it was a mama in the dream so idk man, like she’d just had these babies) and did the little closing her eyes signal that all cats do, which means i trust you. i did it back, tiny minnie still in hand, squirming and trying to get down and play with the babies. i held her tighter by the chest, struggling to cradle her again, her legs dangling. we exited the metal bridge thing. 

after that, we’re on a dirt path. lighting is dim even though it’s daytime, threats of rain it seems like? this was just supposed to be a detour but i’ve been having such a good time that i want to keep going, see how many cool animals i can see, and maybe i can cut through here anyway, like when i exit i’ll be closer to home. i have a small feeling of dread but i ignore it, excited. there are bits of trash on the ground, like paper water cups ripped in half, old receipts covered in mud, that kind of thing. it’s ugly but i don’t think much of it. i keep going, see a few monkeys, nothing too crazy. i walk under another wooden bridge, much like the first one that led me here from that bright field. thinking about the first one is what makes me realize just how dark it’s gotten, even though again, it should still be about noon or so. certainly no later than 3pm. now i’m struggling very hard to keep minnie in my arms. i can’t let her go because there are lions around and things, you know? she could get killed or eaten, or i could get bitten trying to grab her, because after that inital row of cells, all of these animals are just roaming about. 

i walk through this wooden bridge and notice another young lion. not a baby, probably about a kid. it’s incredibly playful, pawing at my jeans, claws slightly out but again, playful. i’m gripping minnie because she’s scared. this thing is like up to my knee sitting down, and it’s jumping up on me, swinging at her tail. i’m trying to gather her together and hold her up a little out of its way, when i put one foot outside of this bridge. up ahead it’s bright again, but it’s still dirt and no more grass or flooring or anything, and there’s a very flimsy fence on either side of the path that is supposed to serve as cells. so like a square of fence, another foot down is another, and so on, on both ends. there’s a skinny tree to the right so i can’t see what’s in the right fence except that it’s massive. but to the left is a lion that...

picture aslan, like movie aslan from narnia. got it? okay, now multiply his size by 1000. motherfucker was literally big chilling, just standing there, lazily waving his tail outside of this flimsy, poorly built fence that was so small for him it was almost cutting into his skin, and literally not even his head, his BUTT was hundreds of feet taller than ANY building, ANY tree, ANYTHING IN SIGHT. Like god-level boss fight, you know? like the kind of boss fight that you only win with cheat codes and years of patience. 

it didn’t look at me thank god, but i immediately got scared and ducked back under the bridge, at which point that playful little lion started growling at me and hissing, jumping up the same way but no longer playful, claws out. i managed to swerve, holding minnie up like the lion king, and i booked it the hell out of that bridge. it didn’t leave the bridge which was odd, but i was panicked. i felt eyes on me and a sense of danger and minnie was FREAKING OUT. so i clutched her to my chest and started running. animals looked at me, puffing up their chests but mostly not moving to attack me or anything, and when i got back to the muddy area where there was trash, looking at the ground the whole time so i didn’t meet any animal’s eyes and accidentally challenge them, i saw a disturbingly realistic and gory baby’s head. just fucking severed and bloody and staring up at me, no body to be found. just a goddamn head. i started like scream-crying and ran faster, alarming the mama lion and causing her to hiss and bare her teeth and claws, standing on the raised platform with all her babies behind her. i stopped and fell back a few steps, but when she didn’t charge me and i felt like i heard another set of feet running up behind me, i pressed myself against the wall, ducked my head but kept my eyes up, and slid all the way out. she watched me intently but never attacked. 

i was stumbling over my feet, gripping my cat for her life and for mine because we couldn’t afford to slow down it felt like (although every animal seemed to stop at the end of their section, like video game enemies), and it took me AGES to finally, FINALLY get all the way out and through that first wooden bridge. my panic halted as soon as i was back in the field, but there were still like wild ostriches and lions and shit so we kept it safe and stopped running but kept speed walking all the way back up to where i’d been to start with. i made eye contact with the double beaked bald eagle again, but i don’t think it ever made a noise at me. once i was past that conveyor belt point (which again, never looked like anything was even there), i loosened my grip on minnie, held her up a little and kissed her, smoothed down her fur, and made my way back to my mom’s house, which was fairly close. i couldn’t go home after that. 

again, it was like we were on a phone call but in person, and i remember telling her everything that happened while i let minnie walk around the room since she had been squeezed in my arms for so long, and when i got to the baby head part, she just casually was like “that sounds gross.” and i was like “no mom, i mean it was literally...” and made a face and nodded at her, and she made a horrified face but suddenly one of her eyes was cocked to my right, and the other looked right at me and she like leaned in really closely. she didn’t say anything, she just leaned in and looked at me and her eyes got really... like vivid? like not like “oh weird dream eyes” like suddenly they looked REAL and like deep blue which is not what color her eyes are, and i woke up out of nowhere. 

fuckin spooked me too, even now remembering those eyes, i feel like they’re real. 

so yeah! nuts. if you even bothered to read all this, because again this was mostly for my records, holy shit how did you sit through it, and also what are your thoughts? 

[kyetalksshit]

Oof. It’s been a fucking long time. I’m gay and sad lmao let’s go

I’m not going to get too into detail about anything right now, but here’s to hoping I update more frequently in the future! I don’t even remember the last time I posted here. I think it was... hahahahaha wait omg i think it was a gay crisis about somebody else lmaoooo OOPS

anyway

there’s this girl because of COURSE there is

it’s... complicated.

and i keep getting a vibe from her? but like... ok idk if you know about twin flames or karmic relationships and maybe i’ll do another post about that at some point but basically that’s what i feel like this is, like we’re twin flames but she’s currently in a karmic relationship and most of the time i’m cool with it, like i’m patient and i’m psychic like i kinda know what’s gonna happen in a vague sense yk and like i’m fine being platonic until then but like

fuck dude

tonight i just got so... frustrated? like out of nowhere, like had a mini meltdown because like “it’s not fair” and “why do i always put myself in these situations” and like “why can’t i just be in love with someone who isn’t married (even if he’s a piece of GARBAGE) and is in the same mental place as I am” like

it’s

wow, it’s so frustrating, honestly. and i mean that’s how twin flames ARE you know, it’s frustrating, it’s difficult, but once they fully come together it’s amazing. (And I recognize that twin flames can just be platonic... but at this point my feelings aren’t. If that’s all she wants with me, idk I’ll figure it out because I don’t want her out of my life, but... Anyway. I’m in love with her.) 

So, yeah. This week has been super emotional and wonky and like we had been talking like nonstop on like every platform (which normally would irritate the shit out of me but because it’s her I still smile when her name pops up on my screen), but all of a sudden this week it’s like

still every platform right, but like super less frequent? And like there have just been multiple messages of mine she’s just deadass not responded to, and idk like

there’s always a period of separation and maybe that’s what this is but it’s very hard and I’m like

angst haha

anyway

I scribbled down some mediocre poetry in my car, because I got restless and went out there to smoke a cigar, and left my phone in the apartment. So here, have this I guess lol: 

4/24/19

Barefoot in the driver’s seat, legs crossed against the steering wheel, I remain parked outside my lonely apartment, sucking on a cigar and savoring the burn on my lips.

She is at her house, abusive husband and three darling dogs to run after. My throat is sticky and closing, words swallowed in smoke, streaks still glistening wet down my cheeks. 

I must be a masochist,  a self-proclaimed twin flame suffering over the silver-plated ring she wears even when she  tells me she does not love him,  even when he hits her, berates her, and yet she still chooses him.

Not for love, she tells me, but she cries when she threatens to leave, and I cry when she decides to stay, forever a second choice to even the woman I have loved in every lifetime before this, to even the soul that I share.

Perhaps it is I who puts myself second, who hurts me and leaves me to rot. I can swear up and down that I love me, but chaos speaks louder than poetry, half scribbled in the sliver of flickering streetlight peeking through my blacked out windows. 

[kyetalksshit]

wow I'm gay

[kyetalksshit]

ow

[kyetalksshit]

I AM GAY AND HAVING A GAY CRISIS ALSO WOO