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[ladybugsnahdhdj]

instantaneous velocity

The motion you felt right then and there there’s nothing you process before you hear something, you react directly after a moment passes, maybe fast enough for a second to go by but then again that took you a second. So what happens in that moment before you realize it, before you process it? are you really listening? is it enough for two cars to crash just for one person not to notice the…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

Dairy Entry from Sometime in April or May in 2022

I remember, me and Faith were talking once, after the calc final. Ms Grant was telling me there’s an infinite love a mother gets from their child. She said that after me and Faith remarked all moms were a little crazy. Anyways, you can’t give that infinite love if you never felt it before. It’s kind of like having a boyfriend or girlfriend, or just simply a loving mom or dad. That’s when you…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

not mine

im walking through seemingly endlesss hallways, my back turned like theres nothing behind me, when you look at the sun, then turn away, how do you know its really there, still, stay.Theres something about the glimmer in your eyes, how i long to steal it, the star of my life, admired by all, but reckless by all, all at once, they;ll tear you piece by piece youre disgraced, like theres nothing…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

Want to Need

I wanted him because i wanted to need him.I wanted him to want to need me, and perhaps not even so, because that would be awfully terrible. i wanted to be needed, not a burden, but a pleasure someone to be around because i know you can lean on me and ill take anything you’ve got and make it my own until you’re okay. and maybe i ask too much of you from doing so, or maybe i take you for granted…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

im sorry

tell me you love me, tell me you care ill only go back to you because nobody’s there. Inside your eyes, your lies, instead of your face theres nothing there but this place. Empty empty empty, all consuming, wont you let me be? Say you love me say you want me, maybe ill want you for now. Settle with me down, deep down. Lie with me now, i’ll be gone for tonight A little a little, but all at…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

erase me, erase me

i’m going in circles, im tossing and turning, every thought seems so precious and oh how i wish every thought would end, brain dead. and i thought you were it, and it thought it was done, finished, from the start and now i know there some more painful ends then death. you glance at me, and i dont know what you want, after all this time, after all these forgotten terrible, horrifying memories of…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

ₑₘₚₜy ₘₑₘₒᵣy

find me somewhere over the hill where the grass isn’t insistent on being greener, just green enough. i’m floating through the motions, just seeing what memories pass, when most of them fade. I sit in class, class after class, just for it to go into one ear and out of the other. and as you speak to me, you may ask me if I got what you said, but really it flows into one ear and out the other, and…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

"ᴴᵃᵖᵖʸ ᴴⁱᵍʰˢ"

Happy highs, a momentary feeling you can experience, a feeling that lasts for forever, until you know you’re going to have to blink, and realize it’s all blown away like candles on your 13th birthday. And it doesn’t matter, nothing in the moment, no worries, strolling through life as if it was your life. In reality, you’re one in eight billion, you’re the glimpse of people passing by as they…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

Too Full.

Sometimes when I sit outside, with my friends talking about whatever they talk about so gleefully because they are happy, I feel my skin boiling from the inside out. It’s really something. With the desert heat, it usually is felt from the skin down. Burning off all the sweat your body worked so hard to make. But I don’t particularly feel it. I always feel the burn coming from inside, from the…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

From the Thoughts of an Unsaid Girl

If you do not care to hear, by all means, go. Unwritten words are the ones left unsaid, and even said, they’re forgotten. After a while. I think it’s quite bad that I’m not writing about my life anymore because I know I can’t handle it and I don’t even know how I’ve been handling it. Maybe it’s a good sign, a good message from only one above that I’m dealing with things well.  But I mainly feel…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

Empty Name

Recently, the days have been fading faster than I would have liked. Sunset used to be at 7:30, now it’s barely 6 and the sun’s already tired. Memories of you are resurfacing, and maybe it’s because the heat from the summer is fleeting, so I’m just looking for the next body to hold, the next person to kiss, the next one to fall hard for. But I don’t really think it makes a difference. It doesn’t…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

Apart.

Lately I feel like everyone’s connected. Somehow, the thoughts come towards me, hurling like a train straight on these damn unstoppable tracks. I look out the window of my brother’s car when he’s driving us to anywhere and I’m drinking coffee like there’s no tomorrow, like my body doesn’t feel itself dying because of all the sleep I’ve lost- no that doesn’t mean anything as long as I can think…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

So Angry, So Empty, and It's Just That- Nothing

I sigh again, when I lean onto the railing of the cliff, the one keeping you from falling probably 15 feet. But I hang off of it, because it reminded me of the days I spent here kissing that boy from school. Nowadays, I don’t hang around the cliff as much as I did last year. Last year was treacherous, a terrible mess. I feel wind in my hair, and I almost let go of the railing when my friend Alli…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

Touch, Feel, Look, Rinse and Repeat

I’m beginning to see you everywhere, even in the most mundane things. The signs on the road, the ones that tell people to stop so we don’t crash, the rocks on the road that have been here before time was invented, and the wall I stare endlessly into, the gray one. I remember he turned once, and let me hold him, for a moment it felt like an hour even if it was one, two, three, go away. To let you…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes

I think it was Arthur Rimbaud that described his closest friend as having “pale blue irradiated with dark blue- the loveliest eyes I’ve seen”. And if I have to admit, it gave me the slightest feeling of warm and a deep curve in my smile because it reminded me of you. I did fall in love with the aspect of this golden boy, this one blonde hair kid in my class, sitting in the back with the most…

[ladybugsnahdhdj]

For Him, For Whoever Comes Next

I feel I’ve got to write this because I don’t really understand who I may be writing this for. As much as I’d like to believe or as much as I can understand, I’m writing this not for him but the aspect, the fact that I had him for what it was worth. I think the feeling, the fact that I could turn my head while you held me was enough. I can’t describe ecstasy, because I’ve never done it, nor can I…