leavemeslowly
leavemeslowly
In Dialogue With Myself
2K posts
• i write dialogues with myself • i spill ink • i obsess over tv shows and ship people who never end up together, coincidence?
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leavemeslowly · 26 days ago
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leavemeslowly · 28 days ago
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Every night, I find myself by the sink, packing leftovers of the day, folding remnants of what’s left—soft, shapeless bits—into thin plastic, setting them by the door for the guy who'll be picking our garbage like every morning (trying to let everything go), or perhaps the security guard missing home cooked meals because he’s far away from his home (trying to give that love to myself). . . . I just know it leaves my hands lighter. (Lies. You betray yourself every time) -sawaira
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leavemeslowly · 2 months ago
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On same train.
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leavemeslowly · 2 months ago
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“Now I know I’ve got a heart because it is breaking.”
— Noel Langley
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leavemeslowly · 2 months ago
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my dreams created you. i have been dreaming them for years. nightly fantasies of a beautiful, sweet and tender boy who carries in his heart a burden he can’t even name. my nineteen-year-old self would have fallen head over heels for you. immediately. without hesitations.
it turns out I’m not so different even though I’m older now. but age is just a number, they say. I don’t seem to be more mature. i would say I’m more experienced but when i am falling for you anyway. no matter what i have learned.
only that this process, the process of falling, is slower, more painful, filled with uncertainties and insecurities. it is a long discovery of my imperfect attachment styles. all for the sake of having you close to me. of having you for me.
but I don’t know. I’m still too afraid to ask. to terrified to confess. too terrified to admit I can’t turn back now.
if you say no, you will not break my heart. but I will be missing you greatly. because, despite these feelings creeping out, i sense our story does not end here. it’s been years in the making, we can’t just throw it away. please, can you not see it?
i know emptiness so well. i don’t want you to become another void I carry around.
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leavemeslowly · 2 months ago
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SEBASTIAN STAN for 2025’s May issue of Vanity Fair.
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leavemeslowly · 3 months ago
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“the original agreement was between my father and your father.” 🤝🏼
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You read/watch enough historical(ly inspired) fiction and, out of context, that sounds an awful lot like two fathers agreed to betroth their children. In context, that's not what the agreement was, but it did lead the respective children--Edward Horniman and Susan Glass--to have a relationship development arc in season one of The Gentlemen that's courtship/wedding-coded. Subtextually, the whole storyline plays out with the basic narrative structure of a romance arc and marriage plot.
Which makes sense because, as I've stated in another post, The Gentlemen (2024) is ultimately "a tale of two families", and how those families are united by season's end. Historically, what's the go-to way that families, especially prominent and powerful families, have joined in order to become stronger and more powerful and/or to share and combine assets and resources? Bobby Glass even tells Susie and Eddie in the season finale, "together, we can expand our interests. […] Shared responsibilities have their merits." This was often done via marital union between a member of each family--typically between the young adult children/the youngest generation. Since The Gentlemen isn't Historical, or A Romance, and Eddie and Susie in s1 are in the beginning and early stages of their relationship--much less it becoming (very) explicitly romantic--their arc moves them towards a professional "marriage".
"It was fun to play with the idea of 'Is there anything there romantically?' and put it into their working relationship." --Kaya Scodelario, L.A. Times
MEET CUTE - “your father never concerned himself with the workings of the wider operation.” 
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Or in Eddie and Susie's case, "meet portentous". Neither their pre-meeting nor their actual first meeting are cute or quirky or funny. But their pre-meeting, that intense held gaze at the funeral, laying eyes on each other for the very first time ever, is full of meaning and loudly foreshadows that these characters and the relationship they're about to forge are the fulcrum of the show. Between that and the visuals, it's a highly Romantic moment.
FIRST DATE - “His Grace, the Duke of Halstead, accompanied by his friend, Ms. Susie Glass.”
In 1x02, Eddie receives an invitation to Stanley Johnston's (with a T) party, and Susie pretty much invites herself as his plus-one. Because "We wanna know why Uncle Stan’s willing to pay twice what your country pile’s worth." Eddie takes exception to the "we", as he's still trying to extricate his family and their land from the Glasses' operation. Susie responds by doubling down and calling it "our business" that Stanley's interested in. Later, Stan lets Susie know he wants in on the Glasses' business and tells her "You're going to need a partner." She turns him down, but it'll become clear later that it's not the idea of a partnership she's against--it depends who the partner is. Also at the party, Susie meets Princess Roseanne, aka Rosie, Eddie's lifelong family friend, fellow young aristocrat, and pseudo-other potential love interest.
MEET THE PARENTS - “A little bit eccentric, but who isn't?” 
Almost right off the bat in 1x01, the narrative establishes that Susie dealt with, knew, and liked the previous Duke of Halstead--"I liked your father. He was a proper gentleman. A tad eccentric, but your lot are." So, in 1x02, she's meeting Eddie's mother, Sabrina, for the first time, within Halstead Manor. And it's not the greatest, lol. Upon inquiring about the aforementioned invitation, Sabrina kind of snaps at her that "Then that's unfortunate that this invite isn't addressed to you." She then proceeds to lightly interrogate Susie over family tea. Which, valid, considering some sketchy stuff had pretty obviously just gone down, and her sons and Susie were pretty obviously obfuscating what that stuff was.
Later in the same episode, Eddie meets Susie's father, Bobby, for the first time, over dinner at the prison. And it goes pretty well. Because Bobby didn't have to be convinced of Eddie. Apparently, he always intended to fully bring him into the operation ("I think…they're grooming you" being one of the most astute things Freddy Horniman says all season), even before he told Susie (she was unsure exactly what his end goal was, besides remaining on the Halstead property; in the next episode she tells Eddie that "The request [to steal the Lamborghini] comes from my father. His motivation remains…enigmatic"). If any character can be seen as the matchmaker here, it's Bobby. Anyway, it's Susie who leaves the meeting upset, after Eddie brought up his extrication plan without running it by her first--establishing that Eddie doing or planning things regarding the business without her or her knowledge is a point of contention for her.
SIBLING APPROVAL - “Speaking metaphorically, Jack.”
Early on, Susie helped Eddie get Freddy out of his mess, twice, so he--and by extension, Eddie's sister-in-law--was sold. Jack Glass, on the other hand, had a short arc of accepting Eddie into the fold. He didn't have much of a reaction when they first met, but the second time he turns protective little brother--
E: "I’m looking for your sister." J: "Business or pleasure?" E: "Strictly business." J: "Better be."
Jack played this off like he was just fucking with him, but in the later scene when he's wondering to Susie what their father sees in Eddie and she tells him about his reaction to killing someone--"The duke slept like a baby." / "And how do you know that?" Which sounds genuinely a little bothered to me, lol. But by the end of the next episode--after Eddie scored the Glasses another estate--he's casually calling them "lovebirds" and telling his sister "I take it all back. Suze, he's a proper G."
PINNACLE - “What's the story between you two?”
The same episode is when Susie also fully comes around to Eddie being part of the operation (and, apparently, Eddie in general). As she tells her dad in the next episode, "as reluctant as I was to indulge in your whimsical adventure with the duke, I must admit he has turned out to be something of an asset." So 1x05 is peak for their relationship, both professionally and personally. Their dealings with the Travelers are successful, even navigating the trip-up. Sabrina and Susie had been coming around on each other--"Would you like me to have a word with Susie Glass?" / "I’ve got a lot of time for your mum. Takes good care of herself. Good sense of humor" (1x04). And, in contrast to how she ended their "first date", Susie spends the night at Halstead Manor, after the Traveler party and whatever the heck they wanna call this--
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THIRD ACT COMPLICATION - “I thought you two were getting along ok.”
You know how it goes--just when things are going really well for the (potential) couple, that's when something goes really bad. At the end of 1x05, after the reveal that Keith was the spanner in the works helping to undermine the Glasses, he lashes out at Eddie by telling him about Susie actually having Jethro killed back in 1x02, and that "You can't trust her. You can't trust any of 'em." Causing Eddie to feel betrayed, and under threat (he now realizes the Glasses never had any intention of letting him buy out), to double down on trying to extricate himself and his family, and beginning his and Susie's falling out that will continue into the season finale--with dire and nearly fatal consequences (ya know, since this is a crime dramedy and not a romcom).
Eddie, behind Susie's back, hires Henry Collins to launder the money quicker than Susie and Bobby are willing to, and turns to Stanley Johnston (with a T) "for assistance in order to rectify the situation." But with one caveat: "If the transition could be achieved with as little friction as possible, that would be greatly appreciated. As much as I've become frustrated with the Glass family, I’d like them to come out of this unscathed." Not only is he not vindictive towards them, he cares about them. He just wants out. Unfortunately, his condition is somewhat in vain, as he's unaware of both Stanley's involvement with Henry, and Henry's lack of care for the Glasses or Jack or anyone. So now it's Susie's turn to feel betrayed. Exacerbated into anger because of Jack being hurt.
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Emotionally, this is as far apart as Eddie and Susie will be during the season. And while they're physically in different locations, the sequence makes a point of connecting them visually. Another friendly reminder that the story revolves around their relationship.
TENTATIVE REUNION - “You're with me, right?”
At the top of the next episode, Eddie really wants to make up for what happened--even after being only tangentially involved. He tries to call Susie and gets no answer, then goes to her place and offers to help with the Henry situation but, of course, she's not having it. He's firmly in the doghouse. But then circumstances conspire for her to go to him, when she wants to know how Henry got her address. Which leads them both to learn the whole shebang about what Stanley's been doing. Susie tells Eddie she needs to get to Collins before he gets to her, and he basically promises he's with her on this. He's genuine, but there's also the dramatically ironic subtext of his recent dealings with Stanley, still unbeknownst to Susie.
TWO STEPS BACK - “It's a free swing, John.”
Which comes to bite him by the end of the episode, after Susie confronts Henry (in a parallel to the 1x05 scene between Eddie and Keith), and his outdated information.
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During which, between "You’ve been fucking played, Susie," and her closing her eyes and taking that deep breath, this is what she/the editing flashes back to--
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… Anywho, as far as Susie is aware, this is now the second time Eddie's betrayed her. Tricked her, even. And her response is swift, and severe. The show had established that she can be impulsive and ruthless when she's angry, especially if she feels betrayed or directly wronged. Then Eddie is pissed that she used Gospel John's insane ass to basically put a hit on him and his brother, and endangered their entire household. Even their pregnant little sister was in there, and the staff, who have nothing to do with any of this. Crazy business, Susan.
RECONCILIATION - “a right double act”
Yet, this doesn't last long. Papa Glass quickly plays mediator and tells the kids what's what, because he needs his "Cher Amis". And only Edward Horniman will do for his little girl, apparently. Eddie even asks, "Why me, exactly?," and Bobby's basically like, Because you're perfect together, duh.
Upon leaving their meeting, Susie lets Eddie know she's still upset with him--"You went behind my back, Eddie. Not once, but twice"--and he reminds her that "we both made some miscalculations, to put it mildly". There's no more attempted killing or deceitful undermining. They cordially carry out her father's task together. But this is merely a reconciliation of circumstance. A truce. As Eddie tells his mother, "It's rather complicated" with them. But he also tells his mother--who believes that "Obviously [he] can’t run the business without" Susie--that the still complicated status of their relationship means he has "to consider a much more unsavory option." Henry Collins. However, the unsavoriness he's referring to isn't having Henry as an investment partner, he was never gonna actually do that.
For Sabrina's part, she takes it upon herself to convince Susie to see Eddie about the bids. Somewhat paralleling Bobby's encouragement of their relationship and, for all intents and purposes, giving Susie her blessing to officially join with her son. And Susie does go to the Manor to see Eddie, even pouring drinks for him and herself. It's like "old" times. They're reconciling for real.
PROPOSAL - “we’ll be equal partners.”
For one thing, there's a ring involved. A family ring. Eddie takes off his ring to offer to Susie, to show her the engraving of the Horniman motto. And tells her it reminded him that "Nothing in life worth having comes without a little…danger" (double meaning, much?). He emphasizes all they've "achieved in a matter of months, together." Susie's "You wanna be partners?", implicitly accepting his offer, is the culmination of a Rule of 3 concerning her and potential partnership in the business (coincidentally, with two other men)--Stanley told her she needed a partner and was rejected; she told Henry "We're not looking for investors, or partners." And speaking of Henry, Eddie brings up that there's still the matter of him to deal with. "You must be pretty fucking confident if you plan to rattle that cage." / "Supremely." The implication being that he's (finally) telling her his plan this time.
WEDDING - “Aw. You shouldn't have.”
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A private ceremony in the woods. How rustic and quaint. 😌 At the altar of Henry Collins' execution. They're even standing in the traditional bride and groom positions. "Traditionally, in ceremonies that have a bride and groom, the bride stands on the left side [of the groom] and the groom on the right [of the bride]" (x). The scene practically frames Henry's demise as a (wedding) gift Eddie's offering to Susie, even handing her the gun, because it's her vengeance (for Jack) Henry's here for. Also, it's Eddie's apology for the part he played in the situation, and him fully delivering on his earlier promise that "Of course" he's with her on getting to Henry before he gets to her. Finally, it's to seal the covenant of their (professional) union. Especially considering that it's Eddie who shoots him. While making deep eye contact with Susie. As if he's symbolically vowing to never betray her again (I'm not at all kidding when I say this was probably the most romantic scene I saw last year).
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On top of this, Eddie agreeing to shoot Henry is a marked development from how he handled the Keith situation. Back then, when he asked Susie if she had "preferences on how you want to get it done" and she skeptically asked if he was "offering [his] services," he told her "Not directly. It's not my world". This time, she seriously asks if he wants to do it, because "I just thought you might want to. [A]s part of your…journey," and he readily does. It's his world now, too. ~
[ps: now that they're "equal partners", he's no longer "the help" 😉]
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leavemeslowly · 4 months ago
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Miss Sohee | Spring/Summer 2025 Couture
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leavemeslowly · 4 months ago
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The City of London at dusk
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leavemeslowly · 5 months ago
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We will forever be the children running by the beach to the sounds of waves crushing onto the shore. We will be so eager to explore the endlessness of the horizon.
No matter the horrors. No matter the unspeakable suffering we inflicted upon each other.
Your golden hair will forever float behind your back and your laughter will reverberate through infinity. I will grieve our bond and the friendship we have once shared. Regret runs through my veins and it is as crimson as my blood.
How could I ever forget you?
You made me whole so when it all fell apart, I shattered along with it. The gates were closed, the labyrinth was left unattended and its exit paths overgrew with weed. The empty alleys, which we have marked out, run through my heart as well. I cannot access them, they are hollow and impossible to fill. I know, you have your hiding spot there.
I feel your feet stomping the soft tissues of my poor heart. They trick me into believing that you are still alive and I am not dead.
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leavemeslowly · 5 months ago
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I put myself in impossible situations and sit still waiting for them to unravel and annihilate me. I’d love to be destroyed.
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leavemeslowly · 5 months ago
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just read “to be loved is to be worth the inconvenience” it blew my mind away
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leavemeslowly · 5 months ago
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miranda july / don delillo / holly warburton / richard siken / aaron diaz / ross gay / robert anton wilson / david foster wallace
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leavemeslowly · 5 months ago
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I’ve been the shadow of your shadow
Richard Siken, Peter Wever, Ilya Kaminsky, Margaret Atwood, Ada Limón, Akseli Gallen-Kallela, Richard Siken, @maieste, Madeline Miller, Holly Warburton, Shauna Barbosa, Benjamin Alire Sáenz
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leavemeslowly · 5 months ago
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I’ve been the shadow of your shadow
Richard Siken, Peter Wever, Ilya Kaminsky, Margaret Atwood, Ada Limón, Akseli Gallen-Kallela, Richard Siken, @maieste, Madeline Miller, Holly Warburton, Shauna Barbosa, Benjamin Alire Sáenz
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leavemeslowly · 5 months ago
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My last brain cell is heart shaped
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leavemeslowly · 5 months ago
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Roman „Romulus” Roy would have been so proud of Elon
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