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14 sept 18

I found a quiet spot at work where I can go on break.

It’s just a retention pond, but I guess it’s pretty close to being “nature”.

My lunch today was a small portion of chili I made for $7.

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12 sept 18

A very short post because I am emotionally exhausted:

Leak your own nudes, emotionally. When you express your vulnerability without shame, you save yourself from others shaming you for having the emotions in the first place.

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11 sept 18

I had to make a decision today.

I have not prioritized my mental health, ever in my adult life, for the sake of my own wellbeing. The last time I actually seriously sought out medical assistance regarding a psychiatric issue was because my then-partner had told me I was “a psychotic narcissist”. I started believing it, told doctors how I was being told to feel about myself, and got a misdiagnosis that ended with me attempting to overdose.

I’ve avoided it since then, mostly.

But a couple months ago I saw someone and was diagnosed with adhd, which made a lot more sense than the previous “bipolar ii with schizoaffective traits” thing. I only heard things when I was medicated. I was only medicated because I had outbursts after failing to communicate effectively with my ex. I failed to communicate effectively because I think “incorrectly”. And after unpacking all of that, it made a lot of sense why I had been misdiagnosed in the first place.

But I got prescribed Concerta today, which is great. I’m excited to start it and see if it works.

But my decision was financial. My insurance only covers the name brand, and even then it’s $50/month. I know this isn’t a lot, but I’m trying my hardest to save as much as I can, so it feels like a lot.

I know that ultimately, medication will probably help me focus and communicate better. I’ll do better at work. I’ll be able to work multiple jobs. It will pay for itself.

I just don’t like basing shit off of a probably.

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10 sept 18

I didn’t post yesterday. I actually cancelled most of my plans and slept from around 3pm to 10am this morning, with a short break in the middle to get food.

Some of my plans are forcibly being changed. I thought I had come to an agreement with family regarding the transfer of ownership of some property, but it turns out I did not.

The foundation is falling into the ground, making the floors and walls uneven. I can patch things until the cows come home, but there are so many holes, and pests because of it. I can’t just fix a failing wood foundation.

But I can’t just leave. I share ownership of the property with family, and if I leave and something happens, I’ll be legally responsible for it.

If I had the 100k or more to repair and replace things here, I would. But I have no desire to take out a loan for that kind of money, not now, and certainly not in Duval.

I’m going to see what I can work out to try to fix this situation so I can leave. I’m just hoping the floor doesn’t collapse before I get a chance to. (That sounds dramatic but I swear to god it’s got less than a year.)

I know that at the end of the day I always work something out. It’s just hard realizing how low of a priority I am. It’s hard realizing I’m only valuable if I’m doing what I’m told to do.

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JANE GOODALL ‘The Power of One’ 

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08 sept 18

It’s day seven! One week since I decided to chill on the spending, go through items I don’t need and donate them, and make an effort to make less effort.

I haven’t done much, but there has been a lot of behind the scenes planning involving what I’ll be doing on year from now. When the numbers are ready, I’ll share my plan.

Tonight is band practice with a new band. It’s an acoustic trio, doing simple cover songs. I plan on using this as a source of extra income while I am able to. This will be the first functional band that I actually plan on playing out with since the disaster that Rebis was. (If you want to hear what I sounded like while pre-t, check out Rebis In Eden on Spotify. My current stuff is under my name though, Viktør Alexiander.) I’m hopeful that this band will be what I need to be doing.

That whole phrase is something I need to step away from though. “Need to be doing”. Who could possibly be dictating my life other than myself? Nobody else is responsible for my bills, and I’m not doing anything illegal, so as long as I can stand behind what I’m already doing and not be ashamed of it, it’s what I need to be doing. Im tired of holding myself to standards that are based on other people’s expectations. I need to focus on making myself happier.

I’m really excited about all the things I’ve been researching, and I’m even more excited to share them when the time comes.

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07 sept 18

I took Bassy outside today.

He did a great job.

When we came back in he started yelling so I think he wanted to stay outside. I just want to make sure he understands he can only go outside if his harness is on. It’d be pretty crappy to get him all used to the outside, just to have him bolt out the door never to return.

I’ve been doing a lot of research on how to power a tiny house or an rv with solar power today. Just so I can know it. It actually seems surprisingly doable. Wind turbines are also pretty cool (pun intended), but difficult to generate enough on their own. It seems like they’re good to add an extra 400-800 watts of power to an already existing solar setup. Just good info to know.

As far as minimalism points today, my primary food source is brown rice. I don’t know if that’s actually minimalism or just poverty. Who knows.

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06 sept 18

This is being posted late as fuck because today was a day.

My partner and I scheduled our doctors appointments that we’ve been putting off. I’m coming to realize that the older I get, the more important preventative medicine, eating right, exercising, and reducing stress are. What would I do if I was out here making plans and shit and then all of a sudden I just drop dead? Not cool. Totally inconsiderate to anybody involved. So I’m working on changing that.

I’ll probably ask at my appointment why my left ear hurts lately. I know it’s probably stress, but I’ll ask anyway.

I think stress has been the cause of way too much shit lately. I don’t sleep well, I get anxious more easily, and my food intake has gone way down. I think I’m feeling overworked, when in reality I’m working the same 40-45 hours everyone else works. There’s no reason for this kind of stress, not even with the other shit I’m working on.

That being said, I’m going to get back into blocking my time out and using it more efficiently. I can’t get rid of stressors unless I stop procrastinating, and I’ll procrastinate for as long as I don’t have a plan.

I might upload some of my notes on that later.

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it keeps not posting, so here’s a screenshot of what i wrote, for self accountability

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04 sept 18

Today I purged about 50% of my clothes. And that’s a lot, because I fucking HOARD clothes.

My friend came over to sort through some of them and take what she wanted. It’s amazing what kind of shit was just chilling in my room, serving no purpose and never getting worn. There were skintight sceenie weenie jeans, irrelevant band tees, and pre-transition dresses that had been in that closet since before I had properly come out of it. There were things my mom had made that no longer fit me and needed a new home, because they still had too much life to be added to a T-shirt quilt. There were gifts I had received but never wore because the gift giver clearly did not know me. There was also an abundance of ugly shit I had bought to try to pass. Ugly menswear from bad thrift stores. And plenty of dumb graphic tees.

And some of it was new. That croptop with the stars on it that I “had to have” when I saw it at forever21, wore once at emo night, saw a picture of myself in, and threw in a pile of socks. The maroon spaghetti strap undershirt I thought I needed for an outfit that I never actually got around to wearing. Collared shirts I had bought for a “professional” job I had that only paid about 60¢ more per hour than my current job (which I can wander into in pajama pants). All of these things were necessities because of my impulsiveness or my anxiety. I “had” to look like something other than what I look like. Nobody wants to look like this, right? Buy something about it.

Whats funny is that the stuff I kept was, overwhelmingly, stuff I’m not “supposed” to wear. Clothes that I wear to feel good, but sometime feel insecure about because of the captive bolt of gender. I’m starting to give less of a shit about that binary or the opinions of those who adhere to it strictly.

I feel like we often stick to guidelines based less on a) our own feelings, or b) practicality, and moreso on the thoughts we think other people have about us.

They don’t actually think anything about us, and that fact is incredibly liberating.

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03 sept 18

Today I broke my own rule, and then unbroke it.

I had planned on leash training Bassy, my 4-year-old longhair mix. This is part of my “minimize my life” plan because it makes it easier to go places without worrying about my bratty child. (He’s actually really well behaved, I’m just mean.)

I had bought a harness a while back, but he never got much use out of it due to his size. It never fit right because he was pretty chunky for a while there. He’s been eating properly lately though. Turns out everyone fed him everything all the time for a while. He just eats two meals a day now.

So I went to PetSmart and bought a new harness. But after trying the new one, I realized he had lost weight. I pulled out his old harness and it actually fit, which is pretty cool. And then I returned the new one.

I could have saved myself the gas and the temporary loss of twenty bucks had I just tried the old one again to see if it fit.

I think we do that a lot with other shit in our lives, honestly. Something doesn’t work because we planned it wrong, and then it’s off the table for the rest of our lives. We don’t stop and think, “Ah shit I’m dumb, maybe if I plan this time and actually do it right, I’ll have a positive experience?? Maybe things have changed?” We don’t measure our growth, and then we wonder why we stagnate.

I’m trying to learn to embrace change.

Anyway now my ugly son is slinking around the house getting used to a harness that actually fits him now. Maybe in a couple months he’ll be chill with going on walks. Maybe I’ll take him to his next vet appointment on a leash. The world is his oyster.

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Based off of this post by @prettypositivity

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You are a survivor.

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02 sept 18

I woke up late today.

My plan was to get up early, get some music recorded, and start going through some of the stuff I’ve been meaning to clean out, but instead I woke up with a massive headache and decided to sleep it off.

I get the headaches I get because of the job I have. I have the job I have because I want to eventually leave it. Everything about our “work yourself to death” culture is counterintuitive. Whatever. I’ll sacrifice a little productivity for some savings, for now. Not forever, but for now.

I’m making this blog so I can track my progress as I downsize a lot of my stuff. I’ll be donating things, selling things, and trashing a few things unfortunately. My goal is to not buy anything unnecessary for one year. That includes home furnishings, clothes (unless something just god-awful happens to my single pair of comfortable jeans), makeup, new instruments unless absolutely necessary, and the like. I am also significantly downsizing my grocery bill, and plan on living off of simple foods (think bulk quinoa and beans, not top ramen). I’ve realized I spend a lot of money on expensive food and skincare products, when I really require much less to sustain a healthy lifestyle. I will, however, allow myself to purchase “memories”, like concerts I really want to see or trips I really want to take, because that’s literally what being alive is about.

Why am I doing this?

I need to change. Whether I’m successful with my music or not, I want to be happy. And let’s be real, things weigh you down. They make you, for the most part, pretty unhappy. There is no reason for me to be weighed down to fucking Duval of all places, at 24, when my biggest responsibility is a cat. 

I’m open to pretty much any life path at this point. After leaving an abusive situation, I really started reevaluating what I was doing with my life, what my goals were, and what I needed in order to be happy. I don’t want to be “famous”, I don’t care about money as long as I have enough to exist comfortably, and I’m also open to the idea of those goals changing. I’ve come to realize that the time I spend with friends is more important than any traditional job, and that the lyrics I write are more important than the production of the music they’re featured on. I appreciate time spent with people I care about more than I enjoy literally any amount of time spent at clubs with frenemies. 

And let’s be real, y’all: it’s easier to clean a minimalist home anyway.