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[let--yourself--grow]

UPDATE

hi everyone...

it's been a long journey.. i had ups and downs.. and if im wrightin this is cause a down moment.. well i had a extremely good 2022 year, well a good summer cause i got to my gw but.. in a unhealty way.. i was strict, didnt eat, workout like crazy and we all know, there is a bad come out, when you can't follow the rules, when you gave yourself the "ok" to have a piece of bread or cake or icecream, cause it's not a piece, it's not a small piece, usually ends up with a binge.. since September i have been bad. i didn't follow the rules i havent been strict as i used to be. i miss my old self because she was in control. i know she didn't eat for the whole day cause she had to wear a skirt or a crop top.. but she was beautiful.. i mean she is still beautiful.. but not as it used to be.. now she eats bread, too much cause she can't satisfy herself, she can't say no to chocolate as she used to be, she eats breakfast when she can, but not in a healthy way.. somehow she cannot be satisfied, she does not look at food in a good way, she didnt even before. but before she was goodlooking, she had small boobs, she had small tights, well she didn't like them then, but now when she looks at pictures she cannot see any problem with her body, she was perfect, 45kg is the perfect number, even if the scale was pointing out 48, she was happy with that number, and she was happy cause she knew that she could reach that weight.. well she couldn't.. she start eating like crazy, day after day, and now she cannot look at herself in the mirror, she cannot fit in her favourite pair of black jeans. why would you do that? why did you ruin this journey? why didn't you follow this simple rules? its easy. you are stupid!.

i know i dont fit anymore in those jeans, but i will, not in a unhealty way. i decided i need help. i cant do it by myself. i have tried and this are the results. binging, restrict, , binging... i want to be fine, feel fine in my own skin , in my own body. recovery... i didnt recover from my eating disorder , i restricted so much that i lost moments, food, my period, experiences... but i looked good ,i was good, eating little, being little , i wasnt ashamed of my body as i am now, i loved my body even if i wanted to be smaller.. then why you did get bigger?

[let--yourself--grow]

[let--yourself--grow]

just thinking.. am i the only one who is ashamed and cannot eat in front of people??????

[let--yourself--grow]

September

Im back, i dont have much to say..

i dont have much to say, cause i spent this last months getting smaller and smaller hoping that someone will notice me, love me, care for me.. did i get it? i guess not, i got back in the cycle of binging and restricting, i just need a balance, im gonna get trough this. i didnt had anyone care for me but i will, i loved my self when i was that small, and still am kinda , i just had a few weeks where i eat trashy, but that ok cause im going back on track... im pretty sure i should not say or talk about this in my blog, cause it was supposed to be a recovery blog... well things didnt end well... i mean i learnt to love myself more i guess..

im just tired, and i need a cigarette.

[let--yourself--grow]

hey... its been a while since i didnt post... i had vary bad days but im here trying to get on the right mindset, recovery is hard i know, but im strong...

wtf i just relapsed.

so yep i have nothing to say.. but idk i feel happier, is it bad?

if you want we can have a group chat :) let me know...

[let--yourself--grow]

look ho is relapsing... oh wait did i really thought i was recovering?

i was hiding , im still hiding.

[let--yourself--grow]

i repeat to myself every day, wake up, and go out, wake up, take the bus, do something.. its been almost 3 months since i cant go out, my home is my safe place, i cant face the reality even tho i need to, cause this life its not mine i feel safe and trapped at the same time, covid really took my life away, many recover form it, but i didnt, it took me and especially my soul into a limbo. its hard to face reality, i cant face reality.

[let--yourself--grow]

Hi

Day by day, standing infron of a mirror, trying to find something inside you, something that you've been missing for a long time, and cant find it...

Lost again?

[let--yourself--grow]

Im scared to relapse..

im here thinking i could ate better this past month, i didn't binged or anything.. just stress eating for uni and stuff.. but i fell like the voice inside my head its coming back... this past few weeks i tried to listen to my body and cravings.. and didn't feel guilty, wich i didnt felt in long time and i was happy you know.. but i feel like i disappointed someone, something inside of me want to relapse so bad, to be skinny, to be like a doll, to feel the hunger, to be cold, i miss it, its so scary that i miss something like that, but i miss it, and i want to start again i know its bad for all the progress i made, i know, i have to remember it, but i feel like i need some control in my life, i need to starve, i feel disgusted by myself , the guilt inside of me is killing me, i want to wake up Tomorrow and just starve. it's hard recovering alone, its hard and i cant keep up, i want to be skinny. its hard cause in my head its all messed up.. idk if i should post this cause im trying to be positive , but i feel like this is the side of the story, its not easy, and i konw i should love myself or the thing i post... but i feel like its important to know that its not going to be easy and its normal to relapse, im scared, i dont want to take 10 steps back.

if you need someone we can talk... i need someone

[let--yourself--grow]

BODY CHECKING

every morning wake up check my body at the mirror

went to the bathroom check my body

before lunch check my body

after lunch check my body gosh im so bloated.. or did i just gained?

before workout check my body

after workout check my body...STOP

JUST STOP

it's not going to change over 2 hours, its not going to change, your body does not define your value ad a person. so stop it

it just makes everything worse.

how many times today did you checked yourself at a mirror, looking at your thigs, stomach?? too much.. and its just 1 pm...

[let--yourself--grow]

ED BEHAVIORS

Hey...

im here crying cause i planned my lunch, kinda a safe meal.. im crying because i like, after i finished my lessons to cook for myself, i went to the kitchen and saw my mom making lunch, and she was like "see im making you vegetables on the oven" im so mad and pissed off at myself because i couldn't and still cant appreciate it, i just looked and saw the most fear food that it still buggs me, wich is oil, and she used it a lot, and i said, "i didnt want it like that" ofc she was kinda disappointed... its a challenge recovery, and its okay to have bad days ..idk why i cant trust food cooked by other people, im afraid of it.. i know how i cook things, i know how i do this and do that... but in recovery you have to challenge yourself, you have to overcome those fear...

another thing that bugged me, but still.. i asked the strawberry jam, the one with no sugar and low cal.. they bought me the normal one, just sat there and cried it out.. you may think its childish.. but its a real deal.. and its so sad that now we cry over food.. but still today i've decide to eat it, and so i did, im proud of me.. but still i tought only one thing a day.. and now my mom WITH LUNCH i swear that im going to explode...

I just want to vent, this is my safe place.. and i need to remember myself sometimes its okay to have still those voices in your head, its okay but i need to be strong and lock them up, put them at a zero volume.. but still... i really dont want to eat, the voices that every day are in my head they keep saying try to skip one meal, just try, you looked so good that summer when you starved yourself. I hated it even if a part of me loved it.

that is so sad

but i want to be happy

i want to be confident

i want to live life 100% and dont need to be and feel miserable all the time.

Its hard i know, but life comes with challenges so keep it up.

breath in, its gonna be OKAY.

[let--yourself--grow]

[let--yourself--grow]

Why i need to recover?

This past week was very heavy for me cause i struggled a lot, about food, my body image, how i looked in the mirror, how i felt, and yesterday i was with my friend and we took some pictures. i was horrified to look at myself, cause i only saw this puffy face. i wanted to cry, and the only question was Why i have to recover?, i was happy when i didnt eat... no you werent, you were miserable, believe me if i said that i would have the same reaction one year ago when i was skinnier,maybe i would go nuts and starve myself for weeks, but one thing made me realize, i was not the same. I lived the moment with my friends cause i know that they love me for who i am and not my image, i didnt bail on them cause i was to scared that they would see my puffy face or body, wich they dont care at all, i was comfortable with them, we ate, we had fun and that was it. past me would have cried before going out, probably starved herself so she could look prettier and skinnier, constantly complaining if others saw my fat or an insecurity of mine... i couldn't even enjoy the moment and be present. But the voice in my head saying " you looked better when you skipped breakfast and lunch" or "maybe you should go for a run and skip breakfast" even "how fat you are, how can you go out like that", i felt so bad, i still feel so bad, the guilt i fell inside of me is driving me crazy... but take some deep breaths and remember it is going to pass ,and you will be okay. I know that recovery its not easy, and most of the days i wished i could just starve myself and look like old me.. but then i forget about how i was in pain, how my body was in pain, i couldn't focus at school, couldn't sleep at night, just constantly thinking about food, isolating myself. Now i see a better version of myself, im still working on it, but im happier, im not constantly thinking that people around me may judge me, cause everyone has their own problem and insecurities to deal with. Im happier cause today i had a good breakfast and lunch, i studied then i will go to the gym because i wanna be healthy and strong, then i will go out with my friends, cause i wanna spend time with them and i love them. believe me no one cares about your body, if they love you they will help you in every stage of your journey of recovery.

i love you, take care of yourself

-F xo

[let--yourself--grow]

TODAY IT IS NOT A GOOD DAY

I started the morning with my breakfast, a different one, you now I just wanted to try something different...the voice inside of my head was telling to count those calories, to eat just half or actually throw the thing in the trash and just starve.. I didn't listen , but the voice kept saying maybe its 400kcal, no maybe 500 kcal, oh god if its 500 , I searched every single ingredient calories ,did the math you now the story, cried , had a couple of deep breath, and tried to enjoy it... it was hard, I tought all about those calories.. I did install the app, if you know I'm sorry, went to log the breakfast to see how much I've needed to burn ,or starve myself ,or skip breakfast and dinner BUT I disintalled it ,just went to log the first meal then stopped , I remembered how fragile, low energy,depressed and angry I was...

Today I had a full day of lessons, I couldn't go to the gym, I felt ,the feeling inside of me is killing me of guilt, but why? Just because I had a different breakfast? That's why? That's how a small thing can ruin my day?... I did some yoga at home, now I'm on my bed crying because today was not a good day, but I'm not going to blame it on my self and body, it's ok to have bad days, but still I had lunch, snack and If I'm hungry I will have dinner. Because I need to take care of my body,its okay to cry, it's okay to stay at home all day and do nothing, IT IS OKAY!

Just take care of yourself, and tomorrow its another day. It's a part of the journey to have relapse,but you cannot give power to the voice that destroyed you. You are loved.

-F, love you xo

[let--yourself--grow]

[let--yourself--grow]

[let--yourself--grow]