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[liampboyle]

My jaw was on the floor, followed by my sword. I was opening and closing my mouth like a fish out of water.

“What, how? Did the demon queen capture you? Why are you on the throne? Is that our child?”

Once I recovered my voice, the questions just started pouring out. She just kept staring at the newborn.

“Husband, do you really want to hurt me or our child? I named her Nicole Leona after your late grandmother.” She spoke but was still looking at the child who was now latched onto her breast. She turned her face looking at me directly. I slowly reached down to pick up my fallen sword.

“My love, I wouldn’t do that. I know you mean well, and I have no desire to hurt you, but we really need to talk.” Her voice was calm and eyes still soft as she spoke. 

“Are you really the demon queen?” I asked.

“Well, princess, we don’t know that my mother is truly dead, we still haven’t found her body.” Her voice remained soft, and calm. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the newborn, our daughter, or maybe she actually had feelings for me.

“Love, come here and hold her.” The child had detached from her breast and was quietly squirming in my wife’s arms. I walked forward, and she held the baby out to me, I took her into my arms looking down and the perfect little round face. I used to joke that all babies were ugly, but holding this one, my daughter, in my arms and staring at her I felt like I was holding the most beautiful, precious object in all the myriad dimensions.

“Normally, I don’t mind you doing your little errands for celestials, you are a champion after all, that is one of the reasons I fell in love with you. But this is the first time those assholes have put the two of us in direct conflict.” My wife looked radiant, exhausted, but radiant, there was no anger in her face, no frown, no harsh lines. 

“I was told I had to defeat the new demon queen before she could rise to power, but that’s you?” My voice was shaky, quavering. This was too much, I wanted to be home with my wife and this delicate baby in her arms, just being together with them holding them both close. Not here in my armor on a mission to kill both of them. This was my wife, my daughter, every emotion in me, was telling me I should fight and kill or die for them. 

“My love,” she reached her hand up to stroke my face as she spoke, “we’ve been through this before, demons are not evil and angels are not good. We’re like humans, we can choose how we act, and develop who we are. You have always held true to your ideals of kindness, mercy, loyalty. But you have been misled.”

I nodded to acknowledge her words; I was listening, but I could not take my attention away from our daughter. So small and delicate and beautiful. Wrapped in a soft blanket and now sleeping in my arms.

“Robert, I’m still Alexis, I’m still the one that chose to marry you. That hasn’t changed. If you remember, I proposed to you,” her eyes were still soft, and face relaxed as she looked at me.

“But I kill demons, that’s my job, and now I find out I’m married and have a child with the demon queen.” Holding my newborn daughter was the only thing keeping me from collapsing on the ground. But I still lowered myself to sit cross-legged at my wife’s feet. Standing was becoming increasingly more difficult.

“My love, you stop threats to humanity, and my people are quite unruly. You’ve also stopped fae, umbrals, various types of demihumans, and other threats to our continued existence. The celestials, the angels as you call them, are just better at performing their misdeeds silently. That’s the only reason you haven’t fought more of them. But love, now they’re trying to wipe my kind out once and for all, and they’re making you their weapon. I am not my mother, I have no desire to get revenge on the world she was exiled from. I went to earth, I married you, because I didn’t want this. The politics, the scheming, I want to go home with you and be a family. That’s why I went to Earth in the first place to get away from this and the war between the celestials and my people. I didn’t tell you, because I didn’t want you to get caught up in this.”

I wanted to believe her, I really did, but this was all so much.

You were forced to leave your pregnant wife behind to fight the demon queen. Entering the throne room of the demon queen's palace, you were shocked to see your wife sitting on the throne, cuddling a newborn baby.

[liampboyle]

So, my nerdiness and lurking in the HEMA Alliance forums and downloading countless .pdf files was not a waste. While the armor more or less fit it wasn’t perfect and took some time to get strapped into place, but gods was this turning out to be a good idea. While I saw many people overrun by groups of zombies when they ran out of ammunition (bullets go really fast when you're in the heat of an encounter) I could wade through clusters of zombies with little thought. They couldn’t bite or scratch through the plates, and the padded gambeson I wore underneath was actually tough for them to bite through easily. There was a myth that armor was heavy, unwieldy, and really limited your movements. Which may have been the case with jousting armor which was made to be less mobile, this was field armor, so there was very little limitation to movement. Plus, I didn’t have those oversized movie pauldrons that would stop you from reaching up. With my barbute helmet, gorget, chest and back plates, thigh and shin armor I was pretty well protected. As for the longsword, again it wasn’t anywhere near as heavy as people assumed, only 3 ½ pounds, and since it balanced fairly close to the handle it was more nimble than many expected.

It had taken some time to get used to everything, and build up the basic physical skills, like my endurance, since I had been more or less just a bookworm before the outbreak, but now I was called upon regularly to clear areas. I just had to be careful not to let myself get surrounded. Even armed and armored 10 zombies vs one guy could be a bit much.

when the zombie apocalypse came, everyone raided gun stores. Except you. You raided a medieval armory and now, armed with full plate armor and a long sword, you will take back your home

[liampboyle]

Will Cast Spells For Food: Down and Out in Dystopia Book 1 - Will Cast Spells for Food: Chapter 4 (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/1471816800-will-cast-spells-for-food-down-and-out-in-dystopia?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_reading&wp_uname=LiamPBoyle Will is a 50 year old divorcee with a bisexual goblin roommate, a drinking problem, and enough emotional baggage to sink a cruise liner. Turning into an alley at the wrong time finds him embroiled in the plots of people with way more power in the world than he or anyone he knows has, and in the meantime he still remains one missed paycheck away from homeless. Chapters will be getting posted roughly every two weeks at 9:00 AM Eastern Time on Mondays.

[liampboyle]

I don’t think she knew I actually did know where all her little weapon and supply caches around the house were, but after I found the first one while working on networking all the so called “smart” appliances I had done a thorough search of the house while she was away on one of her “business trips.” Reading several books on home repair and security as a teenager, and then a habit of breaking into homes in my late teenage years and early adulthood meant I knew what to look for. I figured she had already found most of mine in her quest to find places to hide her things.

While her caches consisted of things like weapons, money, false identity paperwork, ammunition, zip ties, rope, duct tape, and drain cleaner. Mine were simply things like lock picks, hacksaw blade handles, credit card size plastic cards, USB installs of certain operating systems, network detectors, and similar items. So here we were both keeping secrets from each other badly. She, the assassin and me, the erstwhile thief and now hacker. We really could help each other, if we ever admitted these things to each other. How we had made it to 10 years of marriage with these secrets was actually kind of impressive.

She mentioned this most recent trip was going to be at least 10 days total, so I had four more days before I could expect her back home. I put back the drywall panel as carefully as I could, making it obvious I had learned her secret would not make the conversation we needed to have, go any easier. She would get home, I would bring up the bills, which my paycheck from my day job could not fully cover, she would tell me not to worry about it, that some investment had paid a dividend or some other such nonsense. But “investments” don’t require packing at least six carbon fiber throwing knives, an expandable baton, a pistol, and a rifle as part of your luggage. She was so careful about labeling everything in her little hiding spots. I could tell what she had taken just from the labels on the empty spots.

Anyway, after 10 years I was thinking it was finally time for both of us to come clean with each other. We had to, what type of marriage counselor would deal with a pair like us. “My wife is an international assassin, and I’m a burglar and computer hacker.” Since my day job was literally doing penetration testing for various businesses, that at least made sense and I could talk about it more openly.

Your spouse (erroneously) thinks they’ve done a good job hiding the fact that they’re an assassin for hire from you. You’ve known for years now, but find just how awful they are at hiding it endearing, and don’t want to spoil it for them.

[liampboyle]

She looked around, there was nothing to defend herself with, and there were three of them. “I’m sorry, who did you say you were with?”

“We’re with Homeland Security, Demi and Nonhuman division. We really need you to come with us. You can either come willingly or we can do this by force.” The agent in the middle spoke. Honestly, the three could have been triplets or clones. They all had the same brown hair, they all wore the same black tactical gear, their skin tone was all the same medium brown like it had been manufactured, and they even had matching mirrored eye implants.

“Do you have a warrant?” She might be young but she watched enough police procedural videos to know to ask this.

“According to the revised patriot act of 2168 we do not need a warrant when investigating nonhuman threats to national security. Now this is the last time I’m going to ask, please come with us.” The man’s voice wasn’t quite the flat tone on an android, but was still fairly monotone, although she could hear some growing frustration creeping in as he spoke.

Artemissa was going to be pissed. But Stephanie didn’t see that she had a choice. She stepped out of her room locking the door behind her and followed the three to the waiting van. She knew she was a cambion, a half demon, so she did not have the same rights as a human or even one of the more common demihuman species. “Is this about Jeff?” She asked.

The three men said nothing as they shoved her in the back of their van and shut the door. There was a solid panel between her and the cab area of the van so she couldn’t see if all three men had gotten in, but she felt the van start moving. Heading away from the shelter she had called home ever since losing her mom in the fire a few weeks ago.

Your father is a demon, and your mother is a human. You were raised by her, and only saw your father a handful of times as a kid. Your mom raised you right. You're by all accounts a pretty good person, which is why it was a shock when demon hunters showed up at your door.

[liampboyle]

Ruadh ended the call with his uncle and looked in the mirror at himself, his horns that curled down and forward, his bat-like wings, his claws, which all showed his heritage as a fiend, a demon, yet he still had the large eyes and human-like grin of his Brownie mother. Could a half fiend and half fae trigger that type of response in a human? Admittedly, being 66cm tall was around the size of a human baby, and he had human-like tanned skin from his fae half, but would it be enough?

He looked around the hollow tree trunk he called home, he would miss these woods but half the area was already cleared because the humans were building another office plaza. Ruadh shook his head, there were enough abandoned office buildings left after the great dying, but somehow humans found it easier to clear land and build new ones, than restore the ones that had been already built back in the last century. With the loss of this home he would have to find a way to live among the humans. While demihuman species like Goblins, Orcs, Dwarves, and Halflings had mostly integrated into human society most people still considered fiends and fae monsters. So it’s not like he could get a job to earn human money and live among humans like that. No, his uncle’s advice was to try to get some humans to adopt him as a pet. So now he, a creature of arcane and nature magic, would have to appeal to the sympathies of the least magical creatures on the planet, humans. 

His uncle used to tell stories of the olden times when witches and wizards were common and would adopt Quasit as familiar creatures to assist them. But that was centuries ago. These days even though humans had been forced to recognize magical creatures exists they were as likely to shoot at you as not. He reached into the hollow where he stored his food, to grab some strips of dried squirrel meat, and the few portions of acorn bread he had left for his last time helping the dryads with their harvest before they had left the area a few days ago. It was going to be a long flight to Louisville, and his uncle had suggested going to the city rather than any of the surrounding towns for the best success in this endeavor. His water gourd was still fairly full, so he put that into a small sack with the food. He really didn’t want to leave but the humans would clear this area in another day or so, which meant it was time to go. He climbed out of the inside of the tree and spread his wings, a couple of flaps got him in the air and then beating his wings steadily he circled until he gained enough altitude to clear the treetops. Noting the position of the sun and shadows, it looked like the sun was almost directly south at this point so he used that to make his best guess at the general direction of west to fly off to the city.

“No, no. Trust me; it works. Humans love to take care of pregnant and baby things. I’ve even seen them adopt things they eat!” “What about things that eat them?” “Oh, humans like those best of all! So just go up and act weak, they’ll take care of the rest.”

[liampboyle]

I looked at the patient, and there they were with four arms, horns, blue-gray skin. I could see the shape of what looked to be breasts through the gown. Another demon, well maybe I was finally getting a handle on this. One, typo in an online listing, and now I hadn’t had any human clients in months. 

“So what do I call you?” I asked them? I already learned never directly ask a demon their name. But by asking what they wanted to be called I would be given something to address them by.

“Aimra'at alyas, or just Yas,” the voice did sound feminine but with demons you could never be overly certain leading to me next question, “and your preferred pronouns?”

“She/her, I use female pronouns.” Ok, this was a good start. I was getting direct answers.

“And what brings you into my office today, Yas?”

She shifted uncomfortably on the table, “Well, I … I’m not really comfortable talking about this, could you excuse me for a second. I really need to use the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“Go left out the door to the exam room, and it’s the second door on the right.”

She hopped off the table and left. A rushed “Thank you,” came from her as she passed me heading to the bathroom. I signaled to one of the PA’s to come over. This particular PA was new to the office, she had just completed her licensing exam a few months ago. When the mis-listing of my job as Infernal Medicine Doctor went public on the referral site my became inundated with more exotic clients. I had to hire some assistants quickly and Casey was one of the first to put in an application. She was still getting used to the clientele but had gotten a lot better at keeping her professional demeanor, after the infamous succubus incident.

“Casey, I think this patient would be more comfortable describing her symptoms to a female, than to me, would you mind talking with her when she gets back from the bathroom?”

Casey, looked at her clipboard, ‘Well, I have a quasit in room 3 with an upset stomach, I think they might have ulcers.”

“Okay, just hand me a referral form off of the desk there and I’ll get it filled out while you talk to Yas, when she gets back.”

Casey nodded and came into the exam room. A loud “Fuck” sounded from the bathroom. So I was going to guess it was something going on with the patient’s more delicate areas.

I heard the sound of running water and then Yas exited the bathroom. I left her and Casey in the exam room while I went to go look up a gastroenterologist who might have any idea about how to work with demons. Before I could Casey, stepped out of the exam room, “Doctor, could you please come back in? I think it’s either a bladder infection or an STD but I’m not sure.”

Coming back into the exam room, I saw Yas on the table looking a little more relaxed.

“It hurts when I pee, doctor. And I’m having to go a lot more frequently than usual, and I’m feeling pain in my stomach.”

“Ok, can you show me where your stomach pain is?”

Yas moved her gown revealing she wasn’t wearing anything at all underneath it and pointing to just above where her bladder was. This was a reminder yet again, that demons did not follow normal human rules of propriety, but I tried to maintain my best professional manner.

“Alright, have you had any new sexual partners lately?”

She shook her head, “No, I’m not a succubus, I haven’t had a mate in decades.”

“None, at all?”

She shook her head again.

“Well, I should do an STD test, just to be sure, but it sounds like you have a run-of-the-mill bladder infection. Can you take human medications?”

Yas, shook her head, “I’m not sure. I’m a Seraptis, a suicide demon, we drive people to despair but we don’t feed on their magic like some other demons, I actually eat human food so maybe, I guess?” 

I had an idea to test something quickly. “I’ll be right back.” I went to the employee break room, and there in the fridge was a bottle of cranberry juice. I grabbed a clean glass out of the cabinet and poured a cup. I brought that back to the exam room with Yas and had her drink it. I took a small blood sample for testing while I waited to see if the juice caused any adverse effects. Seeing none from the juice, I tried to hazard a guess that since this particular demon seemed to have a human-like digestive system that she should respond well to human medication. Her chart listed her weight at 74.8 kg so a normal dose of antibiotics should work.

“Ok, I’m going to have your blood tested just to rule out anything more serious but all signs point to a bladder infection, so I’m going to write you a prescription for antibiotics and that should clear everything right up.” I wrote the prescription down and handed it to her. “Also, drink plenty of water and cranberry juice like I gave you a moment ago is also good. You can go ahead and get dressed, and just check out with the nurse at the front desk, on your way out to schedule a followup appointment in about a week.”

Yas just whipped off the gown and stood up, “Thank you, doctor.”

With that, I left the exam room.

You accidentally listed yourself as an "Infernal Medicine Doctor" instead of an "Internal Medicine Doctor" on your resume, now you keep getting request from the underworld to go help cure demons with ailments of all kinds, let's see how far this new life takes you.

[liampboyle]

Blog update 13 Sep 2024

Ok, so I finally got caught up on getting all the links to my Patreon posts put up here.

The first three chapters of my story "Will Cast Spells for Food" are publicly available on Wattpad with new chapters releasing every two weeks: https://www.wattpad.com/user/LiamPBoyle

Early release chapters are available on my Patreon for the "Will write for ramen noodles" tier.

You can read my daily writing practices with the "Will write for sandwiches" tier, and and higher tiers come with my undying gratitude.