little-leeche-thoughts

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I don't wanna die

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Tried to hide fresh sh wounds (they have scabs so they are not open) with foundation and realized the shade DOES NOT match with the one on my legs, imagine not even self harming properly

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comic

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I wonder if my friends know they make me feel alive, I felt like a person for the very first time at 17.

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I hope my mother never knows her baby used to eat flavored lip balms cuz in my mind that had less calories than the lunch she packed me.

And I hope my friends never know I didn't gave them the food my mom sent me to school because I wasn't hungry but because I was so afraid of eating I began to like feeling hungry.

And I hope my teachers never know the reason I had to miss school so much was because my empty stomach had nothing to dissolve so it began eating itself.

And I hope the doctors never noticed my body was trembling not because of illness but because the room was so cold the three layers of clothing I wore on a sunny day weren't enough.

And I hope my classmates never know I had to catch my breath every single time I used the stairs to go to class was because every step took the form of a noose that waited for me at the end of the stairs reminding me my heart is not as strong as my love for my hunger.

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My therapist asked me what would I do if I didn't pass my exam and I had to hold back saying I would kill myself

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Every time I'm feeling better I start questioning if I really am getting better or if I'm just going through that euphoria period people have before killing themselves

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Weeks ago I was sobbing my eyes out to my therapist cuz I can't understand math at all, never could. After I calmed down enough to be able to talk and listen she asked if I would like to be tested for dyscalculia cuz some of the stuff I told her did resonate with that.

It kinda took me by surprise but at the same time it made so much sense, i felt relief cuz that means I'm not stupid and might just need extra help, I felt anger cuz if I was diagnosed as a toddler like other people do then maybe I would've gotten help earlier and my past grades would have been better.

I also felt sad, I already have other diagnosis for neurodivergency and emotional problems, why does it seem like there's always something new wrong with me?

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I love you mom, I'm so sorry you couldn't have a daughter, I know she would've loved you very much.

I hope one day you understand you got 3 sons instead but you can still talk to me about your day and make up, I love you but I can't keep hiding a part of myself you already know to keep you happy.

I dont wanna wait till I'm forty years old visiting your grave to be able to live as the person I've always wanted to.

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I don't understand how I can be so afraid of death yet think about killing myself an unhealthy amount of times. Just now I was wondering if any of my friends would make a sad tiktok slideshow about me if I killed myself tomorrow.

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Whenever I talk to my cis friends about trans related things I feel lonely, not because they judge me or something, it's the look they give me while they listen to me, like they're trying to solve a difficult equation.

I don't blame them, I know it's difficult to understand something they don't experience and that it can feel so distant to them. But it makes me feel like I'm from a completely different world, like I'm in an island in the middle of the ocean in a different planet and the only the beings I can talk to barely speak my language.

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I wonder if the best friend I had in 5th grade knew she was the most beautiful girl in the world to me.

I never told her and I regret it.

Now I'm slowly forgetting her face as I get older.

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Okay so, LISTEN-

I CAN'T HELP IT, HE'S THE PERFECT MAN

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I often think people around me don't see me as a human and I'm trying to come to terms with that.

I'm just going to accept it, not even embrace it or trying to change it.

It is what it is.

I'm sad and disappointed because all I truly want is a meaningful conversation, I wanna be able to open up and be vulnerable with the people I love but that is not going to happen and is fine.

I was born like this and I will die like this.

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The tunes do be banging when Neil is around

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Today is a special day, 17 years ago Neil Banged Out The Tunes

Happy Neil Banging Out The Tune Day y’all 🎶 ✨