lucyswritings

[lucyswritings]

Delight #6

This past weekend I had a special time with my mom. I forget what day it was - actually I remember now…… it was a perfectly lazy Saturday morning, I was doing Lucy things in my room (I think I may have been watching Jersey Shore), and my mom came in and said “mahjong?” and I think I said “sure”. I of course remained in bed for a few minutes until I felt like getting up (this is how my mom and I have learned to operate together, as mother and daughter and as roommates - don’t rush each other, there’s a flow just go with it and trust it). When I was ready I went to the bathroom to prepare myself for a mahjong marathon; this primarily included putting on deodorant, because I’m a sweaty girl when I get going. I head downstairs to see everything set up (my mom on her phone of course), and my heart starts getting excited. I’m ready. I haven’t won in a while, too long, long enough where I don’t even expect or really hope to win anymore, I just like playing because it’s fun - it makes my brain feel good. When you get going you feel engaged, alert, and stimulated, and I get to put my pattern recognition skills to good use and to the test. 

We get going, and in the first game, I’m at the point where I’m like I have no idea what line I’m going for, and I should at least have some point of direction by now - and it was at this moment I decided to lock in. And oh did I. I ended up locking in so hard I was on a winning streak for the rest of the night AND the next day. My mom didn’t win a single game against me. She’s still mad. 

[lucyswritings]

Delight #4

Yesterday delighted me. When I was conscious but still in that dream space, a thought came to me; and I’m not sure if it was a fear of mine, a premonition, or just a thought in the collective unconscious IDK but it stayed in my mind and I was weighing out all the possibilities of what would happen if I kept this information to myself or shared it with my family, and I ended up texting my mom separately first, and then my siblings group message after; “Had a dream griffin got married without us and posted it on Instagram.” (Griffin is my brother, the eldest sibling, who is engaged.)

It’s always so nice to communicate with my siblings. It doesn't matter if we are ripping each other's head off - I feel a deep sense of purpose whenever we interact with one another. They are the only people who have the same DNA as me, and when I look in their eyes I feel like I am looking at myself from a different perspective. It’s beautiful. 

Our text exchange was passion fueled and needed in our growth as a family unit. I was glad I trusted my intuition and sent the message. 

I’m also glad I started watching Jersey Shore again. I love this show and would love to talk shore lore with anyone at any time, just hit me up, plz. Watching the first episode is watching a significant time in these people's lives. Watching the show in general is significant to me because it brings nostalgia to my soul. I love being able to witness this family, and feel a part of it in some way. Get crazy, get loud, let’s party, get loud, if you wanna have fun and do something craaazy…

[lucyswritings]

Delight #3

My personal growth has been delighting me. I have been feeling so strong in my sense of self recently, that I have been forgetting how I used to feel. I am using this time to reflect, because - I AM proud of myself. I don't give myself enough credit for how much work I have done to change my life. 

I guess none of you would know, (unless you listen to my podcast and I don't know which would be funny) but I used to be the shyest person in the world. I hated being called "shy" for a long time, but looking at me from a outsiders perspective, that was probably the best way to describe me. It just hurt so bad when people referred to me as that and saw me as a shy person, because inside all I wanted was to express myself. I felt so misunderstood. And defeated for a long time.

It wasn't until after hitting rock bottom after rock bottom after rock bottom after rock bottom - that I finally gave up. I surrendered. I gave up whatever fight I was fighting and just closed my eyes and chose to let it all go. And the moment I conceded; I felt renewed. I felt pure Love, pure bliss. It was surreal in the best way, because I finally felt home. It was the weirdest coolest thing in my life to this day. I stayed in the meditative state or whatever that was for 10+ hours, on my "friend's" front porch. It was the biggest transformational experience and the true start of my personal growth journey. 

I mentioned in my "embarrassing story" that I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, always wanting to go home when she had the ability to go home herself the whole time. Well, it was when I was in that meditative state when I had my Dorothy revelation. Up until that point, I was always searching for something outside of me to feel at home, when I had the ability to be at home myself the whole time. 

From feeling shielded from the world by something unseen, mysterious, and untouchable - to realizing this was my home, my joy, my truth - hidden all around us, above us, within us. I'm delighted to have gone through what I have gone through to get to where I am now. 

[lucyswritings]

Delight #2

I am starting the new tradition with myself and I am really delighted I am doing it. I am taking myself to a movie weekly. On Thursdays during the day. I truly enjoy picking a movie, my seat, my snacks all on my phone, walking into the theatre, grabbing my ready to go bag on the shelf, going to the bathroom, and walking straight to theatre without even saying a word to anybody. Ugh I love it. This Thursday I think I'm just gonna go ahead and join the Cinemark movie club, to relish the rewards, if I'm starting this designated Lucy day tradition. 

This past Thursday I had to get out of the house, because someone was coming over, and I was like what am I gonna dooo - and it occurred to me that I still had a free movie ticket from when I gave blood, and then I was like wait did it expire??? No it didn't! I was gonna see a movie regardless because my soul/spirit/inner child was craving it. I used my first movie ticket to see the Deadpool/Wolverine movie months back and it was extremely delightful to see it by myself. So I had somethings to do before the movie started, and when I was done with that was gonna depend on what movie I saw. I had to check on a dog and a turtle, and I went to the Peddlers Mall right when it opened to get my brother and his finance this piece of art they wanted. I had some time before any movies really started so I went back in after loading it in my truck (luckily it fit inside because it was snowy in the bed and and I didn't want to have to go back home to drop it off.) I went back inside to take a look around - they disappointingly had all the Hogwarts houses besides Gryffindor on t-shirts, otherwise I would have gotten it to represent my squad. But I found a book I liked for a dollar and this one of a kind beautiful tye dye dress. Then it just felt like it was the right time to stop.

I went back to the truck and looked at movie times and there was one at 11 and I hadn't heard a thing about it but it was Nicole Kidman so I liked that. I saw "Babygirl" and I enjoyed it. I really had no idea what it was about, and I was kinda delightfully surprised throughout the movie. I like having no expectations for what I was about to watch. Because sometimes it feels like I watched the whole movie when I watch the trailer. Don't get me wrong I do love watching the trailers at the theatre before the movie starts. I love that part. There was one guy down at "Babygirl" that sat down in the front and I was in the back, so it was like we were watching it together without ever speaking out loud. It was perfect.  

[lucyswritings]

Delight #1

There are so many directions I can go with this. Where shall I go? I’m talking out loud by myself to help me, well Baby’s here (my dog/best friend) —- actually, let me talk about her. Just a few minutes ago when I got home, we greeted each other and that was the best part of my day - if I had to pick one (I don’t like choosing.) Like I said, she’s my best friend. She made me a mother. 

She is at the end of my bed right now and I am so delighted to just be able to live life with her. I love sleeping with her. She actually used to sleep like far away from me but now I will wake up and she is spooning me and there is no better feeling for me than that. It’s funny- if she is knocked out while making contact with my body and I was to move (I move a lot) she’ll growl and it’s so cute. 

She is 5 now and we have grown up so much together. She’s shown me and taught me what true love is. I got her when I was 19 and I was not prepared to be a good mother. I wanted to be, and I gradually have become better. But I still deal with the consequences of when I wasn’t and I am embarrassed when things comes up sometimes that remind me of it. Basically like not training her the best. She can shake though. 

When I took her to the vet the first time, they told me she had a heart murmur, and it was stage 2, out of 6. 

My mom had told me her hairdresser has said that dogs live long normal lives with heart murmurs. And so - I didn’t do anything. And guess who I don’t trust anymore or go to for haircuts.

Well - Baby’s heart gradually got worse until, was it 2023? I remember the moment I was told her heart was in failure. You guys are lucky I already told you she’s alive and you didn’t ever have to think she wasn’t gonna make it. Aww she just came up to me and I am now just typing with my right hand while petting her with my left. 

For the next few days I basically struggled with - do I take her somewhere for surgery or not, and I had landed on the notion of not doing surgery, but then my therapist at the time made me feel bad about that decision - and then I decided I was gonna do anything it takes to save her. Also guess who I don’t see anymore lol (not because of this - I’m so grateful he convinced to do the surgery.) 

So Baby ended up doing surgery in Louisville and the rest is happily ever after :) She’s on my legs now, and I will feel bad for moving when I have to get up to go to the bathroom - but I am not a people pleaser anymore - (Baby actually deserves a ton of credit for helping me in this department) and I am so grateful I know she will still love me even when I have to pee :)