madeline-collins-blog - Tumblr blog

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Jump - Rihanna

This fucking song!!

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All this is is a blank canvas to express what you think.

But when what you're thinking is too complex, to visual for you to even decipher completely, how are the words supposed to flow?

They don't. So you just sit there wishing you could express it somehow.

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     In life, there always seems to be two sides. They may be negative and positive, or simply opposites. Red, blue. Black, white. Boy, girl, Happiness, sadness. War, peace. Everything we experience in life has something to balance and combat the other.

     I think that's why two people, the most madly in love, can be the most sick of each other and discontent with their lives together at times. It's the balance. The cliche phrase "You can have too much of a good thing." applies smoothly and effortlessly here. Eating your favorite dessert after three months of not having it is perfect; but once you become able to eat it whenever you please, the magic is lost. You love the whimsy, energetic, nostalgic grandeur of Disney, but when you see it all the time there's no room for awe. The weight shifts to the other side, and you get bored, lose interest and may even dislike it. It's a phase. You end up craving the dessert again.

     I think that's why people need breaks, moments away from each other, time for themselves. Missing someone is healthy. Not only for you, but for the relationship. You have to keep the weight shift minimal or else you'll end up crashing both extremes of the sides with a wild pace until a breaking point is reached.

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Too much art. Too much music. Too much photography. Too many models. Too many movies. Too many actors. Too many magazines. Too many blogs. Too many restaurants. Too many critics. Too many designers. Too many opinions. Too many curators. Too many DJs. Too many rich people. Too many poor people. Too many religions. Too many politicians. Too many wars.

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Existing

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     All of my close friends/people I'm always around have perfect relationships or a lot of wanted guy attention. It never really bothered me. I always treated it like just another part of what I'm surrounded by, I never really noticed that everyone was together...and I wasn't.

     The younger me had a good thing going, trying to block out all this from my own head. I told myself guys were stupid and that it if I had a crush nothing would happen and that I should just let it go. And I always did. I never cared, I thought relationships were, in a sense, pointless, I didn't see how life would be too much better with one. But once I got a taste of what it was like, now that all my friends tell me about their relationships and I've done some stuff, there's no way I can just go back to how careless and oblivious to it all I was as a kid.

     There's so much I wish I could do and feel that you only get out of being close to someone else and genuinely liking them. Ah:\ I don't want to start another typical pity party, but man oh man. I really want a relationship. And I won't get it.

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I want someone to look into and smile, and hold while we fall asleep together

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     Movies -the good ones- always give me alternate perceptions of how I could live. This one made me think about how little people nowadays love someone because of who they are. It made me want that all over again, like what I wanted back in elementary school. My morals have slipped and I still don't know if I should just have fun and do whatever, whenever with anyone I have a little connection with, or if I should wait out on the ones who...I don't even know. Which one would I get more satisfaction out of in the long run?

     It's a question that I've asked myself, it's one of the parts of my personality that I've almost always been very torn about. Part of me tells myself "Hey, go out there and dance with a guy! Hey, just make out with him you might as well!" And I always enjoy it...but always regret it in some form later. I feel like I've portrayed myself in a way I don't feel comfortable having people see me as. It's really confusing. I want to wait, but while I'm waiting...aren't I missing out? But when I do go out and have fun I almost wish I hadn't?

     I've played my whole life safe. Everything I've done; safe. All my regrets; safe. Part of me just wants to live and try everything. But the other part wants me to enjoy only the wholesome side of life. It's one of the most frustrating things.

     Here's an example of something I'm torn about because of this; the guy I like. We have perfect charisma. I've known him for about a year, we used to hang out a lot after school with our group of friends. Harmless, never saw him as something more until I realized he could be the one I could move onto, essentially. (That was towards the end of summer) I realized how great of a person he was. I wanted to spend time with him, be with him. I wanted him for the person he was, not anything else. But a month-ish ago on his birthday, I was going to hang out with him and he asked me for birthday sex...I could literally feel my heart drop. I didn't know he was like that. I should've guessed though. What guy isn't at this age. What's worse is we still ended up making out the next day when we got to hang out. I really wanted him to be mine, my intention (a really bad one, really bad one..) was to make out with him because I wanted a relationship. Otherwise it wouldn't have happened. But this girl who's wittier than me, smarter than me, and the ultimate factor that took him right out of my arms...easier than me. They're still talking just because she'll have sex with him whenever. Everyone, and I mean everyone -even his freaking ex- thinks I should be with him. They haven't had sex yet, and I'm scared that I won't be able to get him before it's too late and they've done it. But it goes back to the morals. Why am I settling for a guy who's dropping me for sex?

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     Being somewhere where everyone's mindset is different from yours anywhere is uncomfortable and hardly enjoyable. It makes you not want to be there. There's plenty of examples and situations where this is the primary reason that you wouldn't want to go somewhere.

     Whether it's intelligence differences, being in a class where everyone is smarter/less academic than you. Personality differences, where everyone is loud, interested in different music/past-times and such. Or maybe it's a difference in desire and drive to do something, someone who has more passion for something where you could care less if it remained in your life; sports practices for example. When your opinion on the situation/activity is the minority, the others pick up on it and so do you. It's not hard to realize you're not really meshing well.

     You may think you're a bad person for not thinking the same, or bailing and missing out. But everyone's different. It's okay to not like the same things and be the same way, that's why there's so much to do in the world; because there's so many different people. If something in your life is making you feel like you shouldn't be there, let it go. There's not enough time in your world to do things that aren't for you.

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     I really don't know what I should feel about this. My life has taught me not to get my hopes up for things.

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This place sucks. I wanna take a trip to England.

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And when music doesn't comfort me, when I can't think straight, when I don't have any ability to figure out what's wrong with me/feel anything, but this huge pit in my stomach, I'm in pretty deep and whatever it is is eating me away inside and I can't do anything about it.

I can't do anything.

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Yeah. I don't know what to do about anything.

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I'm so unconfident right now that I don't even want to dress up and look good because I feel like it's not me, liking I'm putting on an act. Why do that?