mahalahealy

[mahalahealy]

I feel this deep down this morning. Arg

you have to stay alive. you're going to be such a beautiful middle aged freak. young freaks will see you in the street and know that things can be okay.

[mahalahealy]

I am doing what I need to survive and that is all I need to do. This is one I am going to hang on my mirror.

As an adult still living with their abusive parent, I often find that affirmations meant to empower me are unhelpful at best. They often feel like they're overstating the amount of agency I have as an adult; I've spent my entire life being abused. It's all I know and I have a lifetime of conditioning and nervous system damage to show for it.

All that doesn't just go away now that I'm older than 18, and neither do the material circumstances that keep me here. Even though I have more legal rights and have grown since I was younger, I am still not in control by the very nature of being the victim in an abusive relationship. So, for those who relate, here are some affirmations that might hit different:

My abuser does not have my best interests in mind, even if they think they do.

I am my own person; my mind and body belong to me.

My feelings are justified, and I deserve to feel and express them.

I am doing what I need to survive, and that is all I need to do.

I am doing my best given the knowledge, resources, and support I have.

I am the only person who can decide what is best for me.

My situation is unfair and wrong. I deserve to be happy and safe.

I do not have to engage in toxic positivity; that will only hurt me.

As long as I am alive, there is something good in this life for me - no matter how small.

I have inherent rights just because I exist.

I shouldn't have to deal with this on my own; I deserve support and protection.

Everything I need is something I deserve. Everything I deserve is something I need.

If any of these don't resonate, feel free to discard them. Everyone finds comfort and empowerment differently.

[mahalahealy]

Fun day

I didn't even realize it was the 3rd today. My friend Cindy came over to hang out that was nice. We made sandwiches for lunch and got 2 cookies and an order of cheese sticks from the cafe . Watched some YouTube. Went to the bank for my elderly neighbor. Cindy was sweet and bought some dental sticks for Princess Lulu. overall good fun day.

[mahalahealy]

Hello

Gonna try and start posting again. Lulu is well. I am starting a new diet this month nothing fancy just less bread rice potatoes and going to be counting calories. I have been doing pretty well on this regimen of medicine I'm on voices have been less.

[mahalahealy]

New year

Its a brand new year. Yay! So going to try my hand at this blogging thing again. Im just doing my best to live my life. When you have some of the medical and mental health challenges i live with it can be hard to live your life in a consistent balanced way. This year i hope to get better at taking care of myself and also have more self esteem.

[mahalahealy]

My dog was Attacked last Thursday. She got put on antibiotics. I feel so useless for her. the dog in question has since then tried to go after her two more times. I have reported it all to management Its all been captured on camera and in one instance in elevator i was going up to my floor and i had back to rear entrance her dog came charging from behind again straight for her neck luckily this time member of staff was in there and told me she would talk to management about what she saw as well. Management just keeps telling me there is not much they can do since its her emotional service dog. This dog does not only go after dogs but other people like a elderly lady on oxygen. My dog was a fully trained service dog had passed all her public access test only to be attacked a few years ago and fail and have to become a in home service dog. I finally was starting to get her to trust other big dogs again. This majorly sucks!

Take your emotional support animals to training like a good owner!

[mahalahealy]

I haven't posted in awhile I have been struggling with my schizophrenia lately. So just trying to keep my head above the water. Living with this disorder is so hard . You lose touch with reality and things so don't make sense. It's frustrating because you don't realize when your in a episode that you're the one unhealthy in the mind your confused you forget to eat or take a shower. In my case I hallucinate that people are after me and I see my friends and family who have passed away. I hear voices telling me to hurt myself. I'm confused and frightened of people don't understand they are trying to help me. I just want people to understand please be patient with those of us with mental illnesses. We're not trying to be difficult of bothersome. We are trying to survive in this world with unhealthy brains. Also remember mental illness is a invisible disease. It's not something you can tell someone is suffering from just by looking at them.

[mahalahealy]

Sorry i havent written in a bit depression hit. So I was in the hospital last week. New problem with my heart. Oh lucky me. May have to stop the seizure medication I was put on when i was younger. Before I was put on that medication I had over 40 seizures a day. So definitely not looking forward to that if that's the route the doctors go. I cooked a meatloaf in the crockpot on Monday. I cooked beans and chopped ham and onion in the crockpot on Wednesday. Went to a social on Tuesday had pizza. My friend Cindy came over Friday. Today I went with my friends Theresa and Mary to dunkin dounuts for coffee I had a hazelnut Frappuccino. It tasted great. The animals have been driving me nuts lately. It's been busy. I think I'm just going to put my headphones on turn the music on and curl up under the blankets. You all have a goodnight.

[mahalahealy]

Learning

Its been up and down the last couple of days. someone got ahold of my card information and did fraud on it. So i ordered a new card. I'm tiered of people thinking they can cancel appointments on me. Its like keep the agreed time or at least call more than 30 minutes before your supposed to meet me. Maintenance had to come fix my AC it got up to 89 degrees in here. that's hotter than outside! I had a fan and a portable AC going . I keep it 70 or below in my apartment year round.

I've been reading a book called The ABCs of LGBT+ by Ashely Mardell. Its really good so far explains the different terms and identities in the community. I'm still learning. Also still trying to see where i fit too. Its scary and exciting at the same time. Im 32 and i finally feel safe to explore my sexuality for once in my adult life. I grew up in a Mormon house hold where it was looked down on.so im going in really slow but you all are a very warm and welcoming group.

I am currently cuddled up on the bed with my animals typing on here and rocking out to music. I am hoping you all are doing what ever makes you happy. Everyone have a safe evening. love ya. peace!

[mahalahealy]

Just chilling tonight listening to pandora. The animals are with me to. I had a pretty good day did laundry, but I'm worried this new medication I started on this week is messing up my blood sugars. They just keep getting higher like in the 300s it worrisome. I put chicken in the fridge to thaw. For a new recipe. I'm excited about that. I'll be cooking in the crockpot. Here's a few pics of the animals chilling with me.

[mahalahealy]

Stressful day. my voices are working to the max today i am seeing people from the gore today. So I am on edge. The animals are on alert just because of how paranoid im acting. I feel sorry for them when i get this way. but they keep me grounded here in reality. I did end up going to a farmers market today that was fun. I bought raspberries, blackberries, an onion, a banana, avocados that was it.

[mahalahealy]

I went to the Renaissance festival on Sunday. Five people all together it was so much fun. Saw comedy shows and a jousting tournament. I got a bag of semi precious stones. A green dragon picture. A purple dragon magnet. Had fish and chips. Tried some chocolate drizzled strawberries. Went to Dennys for dinner. It was a good day that day.

[mahalahealy]

twenty one pilots: The Hype (Official Video)

[mahalahealy]

Birthday

Well it was my birthday yesterday Thursday. It was a nice day. I made a small cake for my cat it was also his birthday Sir Socks. Lulu my dog got pup ice-cream. I made hand made pizzas with my friends Mary and Thresa They got me sloth socks. my friend Manny got me 10 dollars and my neighbor Ann got me a card and is taking me out to eat next week. My friend Cindy is paying for my renaissance festival ticket. The voices were nice today not to loud.. It was a good day.

[mahalahealy]

Mopey day

It was a mopey day today. The bug guy came today. I am getting ready for my housing inspection on Friday. I did my laundry. Did some reading. Played a lot with lulu and socks today. No seizures yay! A couple of voices telling me 'I am ugly' and 'fat' and 'stupid' always fun to listen too, also I am having more voices randomly calling my name.

[mahalahealy]

Well it was a mostly good day. I've had 2 seizures today. Well I guess looking at the time yesterday lol. I'm OK just my back hurts because I fell sort of half on one of those things that are in front of parking spaces to keep your car from going forward to far. I also can't get my blood sugar to stay above 65 today don't know if I'm getting sick or what, but did finish cleaning my apartment so ready for bug guy tomorrow. He comes every 3 months as scheduled. You know if you have a chronic health condition they sometimes talk about spoons. Well I have very few spoons left today. I did a little self care and bought myself some small cheesecake bites, relaxed and read some of my book called The Kid by Sapphire. Chilled with the animals. Also relaxed with some people and mainly my friend Mary on the patio.