missingspells2905 - Tumblr blog

[missingspells2905]

Money. I hate money. I fucking hate that everything revolves around this thing. I fucking hate that it destroyed us. I hate that because of this, I barely can trust. I fucking hate that nothing is fair. I fucking hate that we talk about this more than we talk. I fucking hate its relevance when its not the most important thing. I fucking hate that it helps lead to important things. I fucking hate that it affects more than it should. I fucking hate that i blame it as the source. I fucking hate that it ruined one of the best weeks I’ve had yet. I fucking hate how the world revolves around a certain thing that wasn’t meant to exist in the first place. Fuck all the people that started the concept of trading. Fuck those that started thinking they could posses anything in this world. Fuck those that empowered an unnecessary burden in the fucking lives of many people. Fuck this paper that people kill, cry and die for. 

[missingspells2905]

Lost Stars

Dear Friend,

Are we all Lost Stars Trying to light up the dark 

Writing today with all honestly, I feel like I want to take a burden away from my mind and my heart. 

First of all, this is a lyric from one of my (new) favourite movies “Begin Again” - a movie about finding yourself, looking for your lost passion and starting anew. Today I am reflecting on the fact that no matter what we plan in our lives, we can’t really prepare for the future. We don’t know the future. We can only influence it. Maybe it won’t even be enough to make such a difference. And maybe there really is a thing such as “fate” - whether you’ll be successful like you dreamed for so long, or you’ll find your happiness in other unexpected ways. 

Looking back, I never really knew what I wanted to achieve ever since I was young. School was like a routine, studying was a daily task, getting high marks (and as minimal mistakes as possible) was the goal. Graduating is a your achievement to be celebrated. And moving on to a higher grade was your evaluation. I first got the question when I applied to my high school which was primarily based on science and academia. In my interview, the principal asked me “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. Funny enough, I answered the question in my mind like the rehearsed phrase I’ve been practicing - “I want to help people, maybe a nurse or a doctor.” But 2 seconds after that, in my mind I spoke of my ‘interest’ in maths - and maybe a mathematician? The principal could see right through my uncertainty. And while I was accepted and this is just formality, she left me with a thought that still haunts me up to this day - “What do you really want to do?”

Me being the realistic me (or maybe I’m just too cynical) don’t believe people actually are that passionate in what they say they are. See the truth is I’m just jealous of those people who really do. And I want to make myself feel better for being indecisive and lost as they are. So I wanted to thing everyone else on the same boat as me. I promise I am not this bad of a person. But I want to come clean and have closure. Because I am now entering a phase in my life and I may not be able to go back (maybe only after quite a while). 

I am about to graduate with my degree and I love what I do and the difference that I make. 

But...

 I can’t help but think that maybe..

Maybe there is a different version of me. Who is smarter. Who is more talented. Who could play the piano. Who could mix and paint her emotions. Who could dance and perform in front of many people. Who can read books and be inspired. Who can translate her thoughts into beautiful stories. Who can influence people through her words and actions.

Maybe. 

I’m sorry I am a hypocrite. I yearn and strive everyday to try and love myself. But jealousy is my both my friend. And my enemy. I am not the self-confident person you see in pictures and in facebook or instagram. I am not smiling all the time and I am not as excited as I think I am. 

My sin is that I lie to myself. And I have never told anyone. These are my wounds and scars. And I am bleeding out. 

.

sigh

.

My evil and dark thoughts within me are still me. And I hope one day, when I’ve finally met the better version of myself in the future, I can finally fully accept all of me. 

Yours, 

L

[missingspells2905]

Dear Old Friend

Dear old friend, 

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here and wrote a letter to you. By now, you have been long gone and maybe you’ve forgotten about me. And though we are still connected to each other, I feel the wall between us. I don’t know who built the wall. Maybe I did? Maybe you did? What happened? I guess ‘time’ happened. I used to tell you my not-so-interesting stories and my deepest thoughts and worries. I used to come to you to be heard because you were the only ears that could listen and hearts that could understand me. I used to always seek your presence because with you, I felt safe. But ‘time’ came and tore us apart. Time introduced me to so many other aspects of life. So many ‘youse’. Time took my focus and showed me a different perspective. Time was inevitable. Because I chose myself to be succumbed to Time. And the efforts that I used to push myself to see and greet you, old friend, have been gradually reduced. Reduced until I forgot and never looked back. 

So why am I here now again? I took the road not taken, and realised myself lost. Cold and shivering. Lonely and longing. I have only remnants of memories and I seek shelter from my pain. Maybe you’ll forgive me. Maybe you won’t. But here I am, body and soul, full of hope for tomorrow to come and meet you again. 

Yours, 

L

[missingspells2905]

Am I the only one who has ever noticed the slight changes of the designs from Clannad to Clannad After Story? like Tomoyas Hair grown slightly longer and Nagisa just looking more mature in general or is that just me seeing things that aren’t there?

[missingspells2905]

HAPPY 10TH YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL (January 20th, 2006)

[missingspells2905]

Dear Nurse, Can You Hear Me?

Dear Nurse, a week ago, I was in a car accident. A week ago, I was brought into this hospital, unresponsive, a week ago, your trauma team put a tube down my throat to help me breathe. A week ago, doctors and nurses whom I may never meet again, saved my life.

Nurse, I am not sure what your name is, I can’t seem to read your tag, and perhaps that’s because you gave me something that’s made me drowsy, but I can hear your voice. You sound agitated. I know you’re having a busy and really stressful day. I know you have three patients today in intensive care, when you should only have two, I know you’re next up for admit, and how much that sucks. I know you haven’t had a break yet. I even heard you recite report about me to the attending Doctor. “She’s lethargic, not really responding.” Nurse, I can hear you, why can’t you hear me?

I had no choice but to listen as you cleaned me with cold water, and I wondered if it was because I have a fever. I listened, as you and your work buddy complained about your coworker, how she always calls out. I felt exposed, even though I know you made an effort to place a gown over my private parts. I know in my heart you were doing the best you could but I felt an embarrassment beyond recognition and saw myself hovering in a corner above, watching this unfold. I felt soothed, as you began to rub my back with cream, and tried to reach for your hand to say thank you.But, you misinterpreted and reached for the restraints. “She’s not pulling this tube on my shift.”

I lay there once you were done, staring at the ceiling, listening to the alarms of the cardiac monitor, the swish of the ventilator - I listened to the footsteps, and stretchers whizzing by, the urgent voices, and finally silence. I began to count the shadows that passed by, and guessed it was perhaps the early hours of the morning. I reflected on the accident that I do not remember, but learned of from hearing the nurses during report. I tried to swallow past the intense pain of the invasive tube down my throat, and I felt frightened about what was happening to me, yet no one was really listening. I began to shiver as the night grew cold, the sheets doing little to cover me, my hands still captive in restraints. I drifted into sleep, a dream state of freedom.

“We’re going to take your tube out now,” I awoke to the voice of a doctor I had never seen. A kind face, his hand reassuringly touching mine, softly coaxing me to slow down my breaths as they pulled the tube. I coughed out the trapped secretions, and inhaled the blessings of breath; and I looked around hopefully for my nurse, but she had left, in place a different nurse, and I wanted to tell her - and my nurse of last night that I am also a nurse, and I understand the stresses. I understand the need for safety precautions, I understand the need to blow of steam. I understand the speed, and need for disconnect at times. I understand the urge to run at the end of the shift. I understand it was maybe one of those nights, and I can relate to surviving the idiosyncrasies of night shift more than you can imagine. I know you perhaps did the best you could and I wanted to thank you for caring for me. But most of all, I now understand what it means to be the person on the other side, and I wish it upon no person.

Instead, I keep quiet. It didn’t matter that I was a nurse. It mattered that I would see things, and hear what’s not spoken differently.

[missingspells2905]

Day 4: What you wear in bed

I just wear normal clothes or clothes that I’ve worn that whole day. I really ceebs changing clothes. My usual (home) clothes are the ones comfortable anyway. Not the clothes I use to go out with. So yeah. Nothing interesting. XD just that I’m a lazy person and I really can’t be bothered most of the times. 

[missingspells2905]

[missingspells2905]

[missingspells2905]

Memory

It’s weird. I dont remember what I ate this morning. Or what I was doing yesterday night. Or myself 5 years ago. But I remember exactly the moment we took our very first family photograph. I remember what the sky looked like from the windows. I remember the camera we used. I remember the picture I used to have. I remember the clothing I wore. I remember biting on my thumb, continuously sucking. I remember how we were arguing if my mum should carry me or my dad, or if my dad should just carry my brother and my mum would carry me. We ended up deciding that my brother was tall enough to stand on a chair hahahha lol. And me clinging on my father, posing sideways to the camera. I remember not smiling because that’s how I roll and I felt awkward smiling with teeth shown in camera. 

It’s just so funny that I remember these despite the fact that I have trouble remembering things generally. 

[missingspells2905]

mechanical pencil portrait of Doutzen Kroes from Vogue Turkey, March 2014

-Sherie Myers

[missingspells2905]

Day 3: What kind of person attracts you?

I dont know if this meant romantically or just crush or just friends. 

But as for romance attraction, I don’t know yet. I’ve never had a lot of crushes so it’s hard to point out what specific characteristics of a person attracts me. So far, I’ve been interested if the person is smart and funny. 

With friends, I am attracted to people who seem kind, friendly and genuine. Those who when you approach, they give off this aura that they want to talk to you too and want to be friends as well. For me, as long as you want to talk to me or respond to me when I talk to you, I consider you a friend. Close friends are hard to find. I usually stay with those I feel really comfortable and who seem genuine to hang out with you. And also those who make you feel comfortable during conversations, for example, if they keep asking you questions in order to get to know you. Generally, just people who seem kind and genuine. :) 

[missingspells2905]

[missingspells2905]

If you repeat something over and over again it loses its meaning; “You watch the sunset too often it just becomes 6 pm, you make the same mistake over and over you stop calling it a mistake. If you just wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up one day you’ll forget why”

Phil Kaye from Repetition (via ohlovequotes)

[missingspells2905]

Day 2: How have you changed in the past 2 years?

Gaaash this can go on forever. 

Basically 2 years ago, I was in year 12 finishing up my VCE. Exactly this month, I should be preparing for my exams, doing my very best in order to get a high enough ATAR score for whatever degree I wished. School-wise, that was me. 

Personality-wise, I don’t know of I have changed. It’s such a fluid matter, it’s hard to say. Or maybe I just can’t be bothered. 

I don’t like this question. It begs me to touch my past that I don’t want to think of at the moment. Because I know the moment I do, I will burst out and would not stop. Oh well... 

Family is still the same. Shit, with the exception of someone. I’ve done it. 

xX

[missingspells2905]

darkhrow

I have always compared myself to others unintentionally. I would always think, other people can do it better than me. I would often question myself, can I really do this? And I’ve always doubted myself for the things I can or cannot do. 

I don’t know but it’s just not occuring to me, maybe I’m not trying my best. I’ve always got this excuse that I’m not good enough or I’ve reached my saturation point. That I can’t go any further than what I can do now. That my abilities have reached their limit. But reading this particular story about perseverance, courage and hope made me realise, I’m just not trying hard enough like the protagonist. I usually convince my self that I have. But deep inside, I know it’s just an excuse. 

Trying hard is different from trying hard despite everything. I have tried my very best to achieve what I have achieve up to now. But as challenges and obstacles keep coming, my perseverance and determination to pursue what I want is being tested. And that’s what I need to overcome. No matter what happens. 

[missingspells2905]

Day 1: Weird Things you do when you’re alone

I do weird things whether I’m alone or not. LOL joke time. XD but really... 

- I eat a lot 

- I sing a loooot 

- I look in the mirror and dance or act 

- I read a lot of manga (is that weird?) or watch movies or anime 

- if I get reaaaally bored, I can start organising my computer, or my room, or my clothes. 

- I think and think deeply and contemplate about life. Which just leads to stress. Therefore, I must avoid doing it really...

- take heaps of selfies (so vain i know) 

- stalk people :P 

- if i get inspired, I’ll draw stuff