mmagazinemoment - Tumblr blog

[mmagazinemoment]

All the notions of love, and what you miss when you’re in it. Something I’m cooking up to break the ice when I start posting for the people still watching

[mmagazinemoment]

Why my past loves make me want to look into nihilism as a lifestyle.

Good morning, midday, afternoon, or evening to you my fellow queers and allies and plain and simply gorgeous humans. You see I have already written another version of this edition but instead I have a pure heroine filled piece instead, and you may not be ready for it because it covers a few serious points but it’s also the (fuck your ex) vibe, not literally…unlesssssss * insert meme*. Thanks for joining me again my loves

 Why my past loves make me want to look into nihilism as a lifestyle

You ever just meet someone and fall completely into their arms and become almost a complete and utter 3rd leg of the other? What I mean in all seriousness is, don’t you ever feel like the love game grows on you like a drug addiction and I know some of you will see this and be thinking? What do you mean “the love game” I know it’s not a game, a figure of speech as such. Basically, what I’m trying to say is have you ever loved someone so much that you didn’t see the signs of detrimental dysfunction.

Wow that all sounds so serious, let me dial it down a little, I’m just trying this new thing called being uncensored and not caring about preconceived notions of myself from external eyes. Months ago, I was shattered into a million pieces and I won’t blame just him because it was my fault for thinking every relationship or whatever it was, was going to end up like a tv romance, no that’s a lie. I over invested and blamed him for hurting my own self, sure he had something to do with it, but he wasn’t just to blame. Can’t tell me I don’t know how to take accountability (wow I’m funny).

For instance, in a movie you meet and lock eyes with someone and the breeze grasps your hair, when I met said person, I was like ‘omg he’s tall, I’m going to fall in love with a giraffe’ and then I tried to build a home in him, without the investment and time taken to be careful with my time and words of affirmation in efforts to receive reciprocation I never got unless it was backhanded or what I wanted to hear. So how did you perceive your first love? Did he/she/they look pleasing? Or was it the scent of their perfume or cologne? Did they dress in a floral vintage outfit or was it a suit and tie? Ballet flats or sneakers? Tell me? I want to know all of the juicy details!

I know some of you probably didn’t ask or ever want to know but my first love happened in a series of me closing doors journeying through my uneasy sexuality labelling and let’s be real, fuck labels am I right? (unless you find comfortability and closure under a label and with that you’re perfectly valid), Love to me was like heroine and in some senses it still is. When I first learnt of love, it didn’t feel like love, it felt like obligation, perhaps a trend. Love felt like learning all he moves to a Tik Tok dance as fast as possible before the hype disappeared, and it became irrelevant again, questionable reference point but blame social media not me. I was never satisfied.

Keep in mind this was 15-year-old me, trying to gain some sense of validation to seem a little less repressed and not confused because before 15 year old me realised that 12 year old me wasn’t as weird as I thought.  I was under this veil of non-transparency and speaking on the subject of transparency I must tell you 12 was the year of age I realised that I wasn’t like the other boys at school, just swooning for girls and getting scared of cooties, I was just begging to be seen by whoever had eyes to care. Sounds dramatic I know.

Nobody was ever there to tell me at such a young age that there were others like me, “different”, the type of boy who watched rebel without a cause and felt weird when James Dean was looking so gorgeous and composed in that leather jacket or admiring Tim Curry when he dressed like no man I’d ever seen on a movie screen in or even real life in the Rocky Horror Show, something sparked in… me. I started on the smallest step I knew, acknowledgement, I knew I could find a home in the fact that there were more people like me, and wow I was right. I was finding comfort in what I knew, I found a few gorgeous women and obviously because of my age we thought that holding hands and a peck on the cheek was all we needed in life from the label of ‘relationship’, but it was only ever a weekly process. Anytime I found ‘love’ I wouldn’t know what to do with it without the chase, like a dog chasing a bone. Even to this day I have never had a successfully long relationship but at least these days it’s not because of my toxic traits, I like to think I’ve grown a considerate amount since I was 15. Don’t get me wrong, neither of those experiences were love? How could they be?

Ironically love happened even ‘after’ I was in a relationship. I had another relationship when I was 17, it lasted a little longer than the prior, it went for a month and a half, I was convinced I loved her, so sappy but you wanted transparency right? I have a lot of it. After that, my ex brought to attention after she cheated on me that I was using her as a sort of beard to cover up the truth about myself, I never knew how to perceive myself until then and that was only the second step, there was so much more to cover.

Skip forward past a few experiences leading up the near current, I met someone, a sort of fleeting romance, now (forewarning, this gets sappy) we talked for a few weeks if my memory isn’t hazy, and we quickly developed something no short of a connection. FaceTime after FaceTime I’d gather more and more pictures of his goofy face and at one stage, I thought I was going to be happy for the foreseeable future, then came reality. You can’t be loved by someone who doesn’t want to face themselves and you can’t help them anymore than what you’re capable of giving out. I didn’t listen to that, naturally things just got worse, and I hated everything…

He would apologise, I would validate his actions to friends who were concerned and realising that I was getting too soon attached and it wasn’t going to end well and I copped the consequences, I still have only recently not found regret in messing up this badly because if I didn’t make that mistake then I would’ve just witnessed those mistakes I made in the lap of somebody else and this is where the saying goes, better the devil you known then the devil you don’t. let me tell you it did more than a number on my mental health before I added up the reasons as tallies against us and internalised what I should’ve subtracted (hehe see what I did there). In all seriousness I wanted the thrill, I sure as hell got one.

Your mental health is amplified by your lifestyle choices and the people you choose to keep in your circle, friendship, or relationships regardless, the whole thing was out of whack and a tornado was nothing less than the accurate definition of where I was at, and it hurt a lot but sometimes it’s best to leave that situation if that person who you thought was going to be there for a while and a necessity to your life ends up being the detriment. (as Ashley Frangipane said) “its crazy when the thing you love the most is the detriment, let that sink in”.  

 If there is one piece of advice that I want whoever sees this to take with them it’s this, Keep your space sacred baby, you only have one life, but also please do not criticize yourself for getting caught in the motion sickness, sometimes you just can’t avoid it and that’s ok. Life is not a movie, life is more like the behind the scenes extra that puts everything into perspective, it’s rational and shows the hard work put in place to make the art and you should remind yourself as such. Remember also that if you cannot cope with all of the stress that presents itself in your life, that there are people that are equipped to help you hold some of the baggage for you until you are ready to take it back and analyse it. Whatever your grief is, I assure you, you’re not alone.

As always, stay healthy and strut your shit and I cannot stress this enough but keep raging against the machine and the super straights xoxo without the gossip girl, farewell until the next piece of The Mantra Magazine. *keep this in mind* next issue will be a little forward, it will include themes of segregation and war regarding the families of the Palestinians and Israeli conflicts happening right now. So, bring some tissues and an open mind. Farewell.

[mmagazinemoment]

The introductory and a tad more

Hello kind people of the internet who are somehow reading this who are kind enough to take the time out of their day to giver this their attention, I really appreciate it and I welcome you to the mantra magazine.

Firstly, in would like to take a second to acknowledge and read into the chosen name for a little background information so it’s not a future question. As a member of the homosapian and homosexual community I would assume we all have mantras that we live by alike and probably not so different to one another. It’s usually associated with taking a breath or two to help with the ease of progression in your day, the world is crazy enough without establishing familiarity rather than oddity and space between us in the world; we aren’t as different as you think.

this is your space to feel welcomed and seen, take a read and join me in the importance of discussing oneself and versatility/changes.

 Pride and progression (seemingly missed opportunities)

Getting straight into it as a 21-year-old gay Cis man who may I add for good measure MISSED THE 2021 MARDI GRAS BECAUSE MY STUPID ASS FORGOT!! ANYWAYS… I mean anyways *calms down* also for anybody wondering it was works fault (definitely not my over occupied brain). Here I am at my best friend’s house that I stay at for work at the stables with some funky Horses and nice people and Its my first night back there at weeks and my best friend’s dad humorously reminds me that I had somewhere to be “Why aren’t you at your party? To which I replied with “what party?” and he replies once again with “you know THE party” in which I replied with lastly “I don’t know what you’re talking about” …and him lastly saying “YOU KNOW THE ONE WITH THE RAINBOWS”. You can imagine the shock and regret mixed with the disbelief of my forgetful goldfish brain, nonetheless I was sad and low key spiralling.

In all seriousness last year, I went to the street parade in the city, and it happened to be my first pride parade ever, I was utterly euphoric to put it bluntly. Surrounded by fearless kings, queens and non-binary beans who didn’t care about negative projections at least while they were there, they could be free from such an anchor. It was almost poetic, actually scratch that it was nothing but poetry. Confetti in the air, sweat glistening down glittery skin in pure awe of gods on floats and lightning in our eyes, moulding the atmosphere into a motion picture set to break the box office, it was magnificent. At one stage vividly I remember being in slow motion watching all of the smiles in the crowd and feeling like I was on the right track, like I belonged there.

Yet even after all of the recently mentioned I found myself plagued by so many questions, some of which were things like (what are their stories? who are these people and what part of the world are they visiting from? Who made this such a special day? Because I don’t know a damn thing about my own communities origin) and it also reminded me of my own privilege, where we sit and eat dinner with our wine glasses and food hand made or ordered to and or our conveniences, we also had a lot more than those revolutionary members of the community who were forced out from their homes by the very people who were supposed to love them and barely given scraps in the streets, their fight isn’t over and sadly it will not be for a while. Where we have resource, they had ideas and passion with no presumed way of outletting their own magnificent thoughts on freedom and love without a head screaming in the muffled void of a pillow and I found that to be an amazing thought because it reminded me of where we were then and where we are now. I am sitting down on my chair in my room typing this to you for you to hear someday to show you our progress, because remember this very act someday in the past would’ve been considered heathenness.

I guess if I am trying to say anything is remind yourself that your fight for acceptance may be directly over specifically for you but somewhere else in the world, maybe even in your own street, there is queer folk like you and I just trying to exist in peace to love and support others like us for the people we merely want to love and if that doesn’t ignite a fire inside of your chest that urges you to burn down an old standard of (normal love) and scream with every fibre of your being into the sky that we deserve and have every right to be here just like the heterosexual people on this planet, then I don’t know who or what can convince you to do just that.

Ok so that was all existential and juicy, now that that’s vented I would just like to say, thank you all for being so resilient with your challenging of higher stake victories because someday you’ll look back and realise (wow I helped do this) even now you can see the progression of the LGBTQ+ community and honestly, these changes are built on the fundamentals of the small things like seeing a gay couple In the street smiling and goofing around where they couldn’t say 10-20 years ago and far too long before that or perhaps seeing your friends transition into their rightful bodies adding synchronicity to an already tiring life but rectifying and instilling that breath of fresh air that let’s them be who they want to be finally and you know what? We’re helping people even outside of the community embrace their androgynous side and experiment with their self-expression more, this is all really big!

Not too long ago men were so ashamed and fearful that they would be mocked for their visceral self-expressive qualities such as use of vibrant colour in their everyday wear and makeup use as well, as they would most likely be seen as ehhhhh well multiple slurs come to mind but let’s go with (fruity) and yes that’s the harsh and disgusting reality of judgemental and ignorant people who have everything to say about someone else but cannot change their views on themselves as they have a saint complex, it’s all quite ironic isn’t it? Why can’t people just…let it go? Guess we’ll just have to see what’s in store next on the subject of (pride and progression).

 Vibrancy or suffering?

There’s something about the concept of self-care that people shy away from, I know what you’re thinking, “mood” right? The thing is it’s concerning to me that people think they can prioritise work (even if you’re super busy) you should always leave space for your brain to comprehend and analyse what the next course of action should be. Brains have an infinite capacity; do you really want all that against you? Can you smell that? Yeah, that’s depression.

So, what’s stopping you? Is it the fear of openness/vulnerability? Or is it fear of judgement? In my honest opinion, regarding opening up to someone there are things you should consider, realising that therapists and councillors are paid to be there for you. Friend wise is a different story tbh, your friends are supposed to help you of course but at the same time sometimes they may have been sheltered from things you may have experienced or currently experiencing and that’s ok, that’s no reasonable cause to be mad at them and project onto yet the double sided coin perspective of that is that your anger or whatever emotion in the spectrum you may be facing is valid and tbh can be used as a tool to further your understanding on this said topic/conflict.  Sometimes you will deadass be angry that some friends just won’t get it, I get that I have literally been there. It’s a frequently visited space for me, I’m purely more attuned to my self-awareness and perspectives of things that’s all and outletting that onto someone will not solve anything. Just for transparency that wasn’t me self-aggrandising or being entitled it’s just something you pick up when you’re over analytical.

 If I had to give you something from all of that chaotic text, it’s really just visibility. I want you to know that there is a place out there that you can listen to someone like me (a semi competent LGBTQ+ writer just weaving his way through the interwebs and tabloids to give you nothing special but nothing less than a home. This production will be written sporadically and messily but it’ll be a work in progress. Thank you for once again joining me with the mantra magazine! Keep raging against the machine, and the super straights xoxo.