moon3500

[moon3500]

I’m spending New Year’s alone and I lowkey feel alone.

Typing this at 11:54 PM

I facetime’d a friend that lives across the Atlantic Ocean for an hour and one that’s on a boat right now spending New Year’s with her parents, but I have covid. I’m sitting on my balcony smoking a cigarette by myself and kinda drunk on red wine watching the fireworks in my neighborhood.

It’s 12 now. Happy New Year everyone.

[moon3500]

Every afternoon since I moved out I try to sit on my balcony and watch the sunset. Sometimes, I bring out my speaker and listen to music, but it becomes a meditative moment where I can take a break from whatever I've been working on all day. Time goes by and suddenly it's night time and I've been sitting there for an hour, thinking and reflecting.

Every day is different. Some days it would be raining and I wouldn't be able to sit outside. Others, I would be too busy working and the night would come without me realizing it. I've seen the clearest skies; the cloudiest days; orange, purple, yellow, blue, pink, white reflections; all individually beautiful. Every sunset is an experience.

This is a collection of 64 different sunsets, from April to August of 2021. This year I've learned to take things slowly, to be grateful, and to appreciate the moment in time where I reside.

I feel: grateful, reflective, meditative

[moon3500]

A vivid memory of a pre-pubescent doctor visit.

I wrote it very clearly in November 2018, on the Instagram post where I came out as transgender to everyone in my life, "it's already hard enough to breathe."

Now playing: Golden Axe - Maida Vale Session by Flying Lotus

The first moment I remember feeling clear discomfort toward my body was when two little mass balls started growing in my chest at age 11. My (at the time) 18-year-old half-sister was visiting for the summer and my mom had just gotten surgery on her foot. I expressed a lot of concern about those two little mass balls. I was genuinely scared, so my sister walked me to the pediatric doctor to make sure everything was okay. 10 years later, I still remember the face of the doctor when he told me that he couldn't touch me and check what was wrong because nothing was wrong and I was just growing boobs. He told me I was starting to go through puberty and chuckled at my concern. I clearly remember his smile.

Walking back home, and for the following couple of weeks, I remember feeling like he could've done something to fix it. Like, he literally just laughed at me cause I'm growing tits! I don't even want them. Why do I feel embarrassed and let down?

Looking back at it, I think I had forgotten that female puberty was something that was supposed to happen to me. But everything was extremely subconscious at the time. I had had a good childhood, no trauma, all good memories. "Girl clothes" or being addressed as a little girl never bothered me before puberty. My parents never explicitly stressed any gender norms on me growing up (I actually looked like a little boy from ages 5 to 6). It was the people around them that did, but I didn't really care about them.

Starting puberty, I wasn't used to the self-hatred and discomfort I was experiencing. I just assumed every girl going through puberty was feeling exactly like I did and nobody talked about it, so I never did either. I didn't think I was any different. I was a girl that hated herself, just like every other girl.

I feel: nostalgic, sorry for my younger self

[moon3500]

For the last year, I've been unhappy with the career I was studying. I was in art college for animation and I lost passion for it very quickly (I literally hate drawing, wtf was I doing there). My love has always resided in film. Filmmaking and editing:

Touching a camera, lighting a scene, placing the mics; then having to select the correct footage and sync it with the perfect song, fix the audio and correct the color to the perfect levels, so when you look back at the piece of art you've created, you've learned and grown and are proud of every single detail you paid attention to, that nobody will notice. But you will.

Those feelings are what I fell in love with when I started doing music videos at age 14 and later when I joined the TV production class in high school.

That's why, this semester I'm starting over in a new college, a film production program. I should've been graduating with my Bachelor's Degree in 2023. In fact, all my middle school friends back home will graduate in a couple of months. I, on the other hand, will be graduating in May of 2025, at the GROWN age of 24 years old and 9 months.

I am very conscious that every person goes at their own speed, and that my timing is mine and nobody else's... but people will have 3 YEARS of experience at my age when I'll just be a fresh-out-of-college 25-year-old!

I do have a plan, though. I'm going to take every summer 'off' and take an internship in different film production companies. I'll be the assistant of the assistant of the assistant. I don't care, as long as I'm there.

Oh, and the video. I forgot there's a video on this post!

I've been wanting to do documentary filmmaking for a while (I am currently working on a doc), but recently I've picked up a love that I had left forgotten. I do (trust me, I do) hate consumerism culture, but I can't help but LOVE well-made fashion films and creative commercials.

When I was in high school, I wanted to be a publicity director, or just do spots for a living, IDK, something related to making commercials. However, I don't think I would really enjoy working in marketing (it's not out of the picture, but it's not in the picture if you know what I mean). I love the creative side of filmmaking so much more, without having to focus on selling a product.

This video is one of the many that made me fall in love again with short-form filmmaking. You watch it, and it's not shoving any product in your face, but then it finishes and it says L'Oreal Paris and it's like, 'oh yeah, all their hair was styled beautifully, I get how this is selling hair products', but EVERYTHING was beautiful, so it didn't necessarily stand out. It's a beautiful commercial, very gently done, and I love that.

I'm still pursuing documentary film. I love the genre and the MANY different ways you can approach it, but I love short and fashion films just as much (and I'm sure it'll be easier to land a job in that lol).

[moon3500]

A personal check-in. First of many, I assume.

I was on hold with the pharmacy for 1 hour and 44 minutes today just to have a 3 minute-long conversation to get my testosterone prescription refilled for the month. It's controlled by the FDA, which means I can’t refill it online. I ran out of it about three days ago and I wasn't able to call sooner due to the holidays. They were closed. I do gels every day. Missing one day isn’t that bad, because the dosage is pretty low, but the days keep adding up.

Now playing: Girl by Standing On The Corner

I still haven’t received an update from my surgeon for top surgery. I’ve been waiting on her since I sent her the last paper she needed in October. This Saturday will be 2022. Last I know, she submitted the paperwork to my insurance and she’s waiting on them, but that’s an assumption.

Her last email on October 20, 2021, at 8:35 AM said, and I quote: “Yes, I see it. Will submit for insurance authorization.”

And that’s it. No more replies after that. I emailed her back asking for an update. Called her office once, they said to email her again, that her silence was weird. My last effort was on December 1st.

I had the pre-surgery consultation with her in September. She took in all my information, looked very medically at my chest... I felt comfortable enough. It felt professional enough. I don't know what's going on and, honestly, the uncertainty is stressful. That meeting in September, we established that December could be a good month for the surgery, January if there were no openings. Well, January is in 4 days, and I don't know how much longer I can wait.

I feel: frustrated, anxious, desperate?

[moon3500]

My very honest opinion on a trans book written by a cis guy

Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin (B+B, 2016)

I would like to begin by self-identifying. I am a trans-masculine person. I came out as non-binary at 17, as a transgender man at 18, and started HRT at 19. I am currently 21 and have been on testosterone for 1 year and 8 months. I have recently started to pass as a man in public, especially with a mask on, although the stares toward my body are instant the second I talk. Existing was a lot harder before HRT. I believe my lived experience as a high schooler in America, while being very openly a non-passing transgender boy, is of value when stating my opinion on this book.

The main character is a genderfluid kid. I can relate to many of the feelings they describe throughout the book, but it is, in my opinion, very clearly written by a cisgender man. It gets some things right about the trans experience, but so many wrong, that it becomes unbearable to read at times.

Their interaction with the world isn't realistic to my experience. People bullied them and made comments about their appearance without ever determining which gender they were assigned at birth. It is a very interesting concept, but a concept not based whatsoever in reality. The reality of the trans experience is in fact being constantly misgendered in public. Being continuously called the gender you do not identify with. There is no total androgyny in this so binary world we live in. There will (unfortunately) always be an assumption.

This is a book written by a cisgender man about transgender people for cisgender people to read. If not, who’s the audience for this? There are many quotable phrases that are relatable for the trans audience (which is, I assume, where the transgender people consulted had an input).

We, transgender people, experience many basic microaggressions on a daily basis that weren't mentioned. I understand this is because it is not the lived experience of the author. Coming out and ab*se are big things, but most of being trans are the stares, comments, or little things that trigger our dysphoria or discomfort every single day. A big one being pronouns.

Pronouns could've been a driving point to show Riley's gender discomfort or dysphoria. They are a pretty big deal in the transgender community if you ask me. There were many moments where the writer used “he -or she”, making the first-impression assumption on the other character's gender, instead of using gender-neutral pronouns. This is an interesting choice, considering the main character is never addressed by others with any pronouns. Not even they/them pronouns. I guess pronouns other than he/him or she/her were too progressive for our cisgender writer.

In conclusion, I just couldn’t be convinced that this book was written by a transgender or genderfluid person.

3/5 ★★★☆☆ FOR REPRESENTATION, I GUESS

[moon3500]

In a metro train (Moscow, 1968)

[moon3500]

I've been enjoying art and content for as long as I can remember, and I can't seem to find a social media platform that allows me to throw all of the inspiring shit I find out there in one collective space, so this is it. This is that space. Welcome to my brain.