moonionrings

[moonionrings]

It turns out that you can become the person you’ve always envisioned but you’ll still have the person you were before inside of you and you have to treat them with as much forgiveness and love as possible

[moonionrings]

it devastated me beyond the extent that you must have expected to have affected me. so much i thought i could keel over, or drop to my knees, or burst into tears. but i couldn’t. i didn’t because i don’t think it fully registered in my head what you had told me until a while later when i kept talking to you, thinking maybe you would prefer that too. did you sober up, did you regret what you told me right away once you did?

i know you probably do not expect my pity. was it understanding you wanted? but in that moment i thought that i must save you. i do not know how. i know that it is not my business at all. that you are not someone i can save in the first place. i came home and tattled to my journal about it. that it’s not quite compassion or empathy. that it’s something a little more selfish like love.

i felt gutted. i know you could not have predicted that i would feel this way. or even now, i wonder if you are trying to forget everything and think of nothing. but, oh. i am thinking about it in your stead.

i’ve been running over the thought so many times already, in just a few hours. you were not supposed to tell me that. i know you must know too. but maybe i am exhausting it, and what you told me wasn’t actually so saturated. but, oh. i feel like i must save you, that it is a duty.

when i have failed so many times to offer true words of comfort, i did not want to fail again in haste. i knew, in that moment, there must be a right thing to say, but in my lack of experience, in my lack of having lived long enough to truly understand, all i had was the fear that i might end up saying the wrong thing in the end.

in the end, you were tired. i know it. you must also be wanting to be the savior, to solve it, to make everything okay again.

i have never been so conflicted, and i have never felt such a wide array of foreign emotions at once. i have never wanted to understand or to console so well.

but i am lacking. i am lacking, and i didn’t want to give you any unsolicited advice or comfort.

if i am anyone worthy of giving you something like that, anyway. but i believe, maybe naively, that i am someone worthy of confiding in at all. someone worthy of knowing why you are so sad.

i just wish i was worthy enough to help you.

[moonionrings]

i think i’m just afraid to hear what others think of me because any answer they give will be true in their own way. i don’t want to be that person. but i am to them. i don’t want to be seen. i wish it was a thing where i can only be seen by the people i choose to be seen by. like you. the world feels so horrible sometimes. sometimes i feel more horrible. what’s the point of nature vs nurture when, in the end, i am the world? everything ugly lives in me, but i want you to still think of something beautiful when you think of me. it’s impossible, but everything i’ve ever genuinely wanted is impossible.

[moonionrings]

i just wanna be whoever you thought i was when you first loved me

[moonionrings]

best feeling ever is when youre driving alone w music on and the windows rolled down and the roads r still relatively empty bc all the stupid college kids r still in class bc its still a random monday afternoon but autumn is coming and w a nice breeze and the sun is shining but without the burn and everything is still green and beautiful without being overwhelmingly eternal. bc nothing lasts long enough to hurt forever but sometimes a moment will last long enough to love if you just keep your eyes open and on the road

[moonionrings]

if i leave you then maybe i won’t have to miss you so much by Ali Shapiro

[moonionrings]

"when i am unwell, everything is a little ugly"

today i love the red metal crane in her long neck arching her body over the boston skyline, which means i am okay for a moment. when i am unwell, everything is a little ugly. i always tell myself look for the beauty but when it is bad, i will look at birds and sunsets and little ducklings and feel absolutely nothing.

when my brother got his puppy, i was in a deep depression. what kind of monster isn't affected by a puppy. i was gentle and kind to her - i just didn't have an emotional reaction. she's five now and i feel like i spend all of our interactions apologizing to her - i don't know why. i just didn't feel anything. how embarrassing. i feel like if i admit that, i'll seem cruel and jaded. it comes in waves. like, two months ago when i went out into the world - it was like that. life behind a pane of stormglass. a firework could go off over your head - nothing. like dead skin, no reaction. not to ice cream or rainbows or baby chickens. life foggy and uninteresting.

i love goslings again. i love their little webbed feet splayed over grass. i love good food and live music and long walks. i like puppies. i feel like some kind of my soul has been starved - i keep staring at everything with wide eyes, trying to burrow the sensation into my stomach. it's real. beauty is real. when it's bad again, remember this. i stop and smell the flowers, feeling cliche in the moment. i like the white-to-red ombre of my neighbor's roses. i like colorcoding and yoga and cold drinks. i try to pass my hands over every moment, feeling like i'm squeezing joy out of every instant. remember this. for the love of god, it's real - just remember this.

[moonionrings]

pure soul, means pretty face

[moonionrings]

i remember one time my friend asked me why i love him so much and i said to put reason behind a love is to define it and to define a love is to confine it and my love for him cannot be confined. that sounds awfully pretentious -- it was half a joke. but i think what i really meant (weeks after, when i sat and thought about it) was that the love of my heart is not mine to give. it's not even that serious, really -- i just always want the perfect answer, the easiest explanation to give someone when they ask why -- but maybe there is just no why. why do you like someone? oh, i thought they were funny. and kind and good-natured and attractive. physically, maybe? or maybe something deeper than that? i thought i could become a better person, a more whole person, if i could share the warmth of the energy they resonated. but maybe that's less to do with their personality or what you automatically see and judge from their actions and more to do with the empty moments? the moments of static and salvation?

i don't really get what i'm saying, either. the love of my heart is not mine to give, the love of my heart is not mine to give. it follows you, you attract it. but the moment you have it, it is really more yours than it is mine. if you wanted to know why, you could easily find it in yourself, far better than i ever could.

[moonionrings]

you remind me of someone i used to love like somewhere between a sunrise and a sunset but too important to simply call the middle of the day yet not dramatic enough for me to call it my entire life. you feel familiar but still not familiar enough to compare you to anything that used to be mine. i guess that is to say i want to be loved by you but only if it hurts less than to love you.

[moonionrings]

joy is a promise by Sanna Wani

[moonionrings]

lately i've become an optimist and this should be a good thing, but up until now i've always been a "hater" bordering on "pessimist" (it works bc being a "hater" is just riding the wave of modern trends and not really the same as being a "pessimist") and i've grown used to being a hater with all my other hater friends so now this optimism plaguing me now is just,, so different and apart from everyone around me.

i didn't know it before, but the people i've surrounded myself with for so long are so negative, and i've become comfortable with that. and now i'm trying to instill this new positive mindset in those same people, but it feels impossible, and it's like they repel that energy. which is understandable, you know, because i used to repel it too. like i almost used to deny that "things will get better" and that "i should have hope." those are motivational quotes that are, like, reserved for the privileged. but i don't particularly think i've become more privileged, exactly, i've just, idk, become a better person? and now having all these people around me try to bring me down along with their lowkey self-sabotaging energy drains me, and probably i drain them with my disgustingly positive energy, too. i get both sides. i've been both sides.

but now i want to surround myself with optimistic people, too. i kinda feel guilty for thinking that way because most of the time, really, it's not like "haters" or "pessimists" can help being the way they are either. i feel selfish for wanting to change everything now. but still... it's so much more refreshing and just better to have hope.

[moonionrings]

i'm not saying social media is the problem but when i have instagram i will text someone and i will see that they viewed my story and i will see that they didn't reply to my text and that will ruin everything. in real life i swear i'm so much more resilient and i don't let things like this bother me but somehow the internet dumbs me down to this stupid creature that stares at little words on her rectangle of light and lets it consume her letter by letter. like wtf. who invented technology and thought it'd be a good idea btw?

[moonionrings]

○ what am i to you

○ what am i without you

● why does my worth always revolve around you

[moonionrings]

"this isn't even a big deal and i should get over it" actually yes it is a big deal and you're not the only one to not be able to get over it. you're not alone.

"no one even cares about me and i should just die" actually yes there are people who care about you and sure the world will still go on without you but it will go on more slowly and more painfully for the people who care about you. you're not alone.

"it's overwhelming to have to go through this by myself. i can't handle it" actually no you don't have to go through it all by yourself. you are allowed to ask for and receive help. we all need help from people around us. even if you doubt it sometimes, you have your friends, your family, your acquaintances, or even your future soulmate you haven't met yet. you're not alone.

your pain is not yours alone!! sharing it means you're dividing it in half. not doubling it.

i have never understood how the “you’re not alone” is supposed to help

[moonionrings]

yeah this is what i mean when i say my ideal type is someone quiet (just finished summer strike. adding the remaining four here to my list)

DON'T PLAY WITH ME RN THIS IS MY JAM

[moonionrings]

no please not the trope where everyone takes their anger out on the happy go lucky airhead bc they think the airhead has no worries and won't get hurt PLEASEE