mrsferrarsx

[mrsferrarsx]

#ass :)

[mrsferrarsx]

[mrsferrarsx]

I Came To Stay

I have a lot of positive thoughts lately. There is so much happening in my life and my Tumblr has long ago stopped being up to date And that’s fine because it means I am figuring my life out offline instead of hiding away in a virtual world filled with lost words of people as dark as me.  And it is a truth, you know... for him, I came to stay. For him, I fight my demons hard, and they obey. For him I rise above what has aways defined my human interactions. For him, I let go of an ‘I’ and dive into an ‘us’. It’s not an act, it’s something I care about so deeply that it matters more than sticking to my self-centered, passive-aggressive moves. And all the while I stand up for my own needs, too. I wonder, sometimes, who this upgraded version of myself actually is, is it just my age?  I am very much in love with this person and I think he’s unique to my world in ways former lovers can’t even reach up to. He is not a story I try to tell myself to hide the truth, he is nothing but the truth. He is something I never expected to happen to me, something so real, something so precious. I know these words might kill me one day, but not writing them down doesn’t make them less real. I think I am just as much in love with the person I am becoming in this relationship as I am with him. I feel so much taller than years ago.   I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a circle of people around me who care for me a lot, and also genuinely. I am thankful for them, I am thankful for him, I am thankful for life shooting me this gift to make up for my past. It is up to me now. <3

[mrsferrarsx]

Old self edited anew,

[mrsferrarsx]

[mrsferrarsx]

Only my heart knows what it means. 

[mrsferrarsx]

Idk?

[mrsferrarsx]

[mrsferrarsx]

[mrsferrarsx]

Und ich lieg da mit dir, in der Stille, und wir sind ineinander verknotet wie zwei Menschen in nem Film, dein Kopf auf meiner Hüfte, mein Kopf an deinen Knien, unsere Augen geschlossen, fühl deinen Herzschlag neben meinem, bin dir auf einmal so nahe wie seit ner Weile nicht mehr, fühl dich so nah bei mir, fühl wie sich Liebe anfühlen kann, frag mich bis heute wie ein anderer Mensch einem so vertraut sein kann, wie du mir. 

[mrsferrarsx]

i miss being blonde.

[mrsferrarsx]

[mrsferrarsx]

A creepy book cover or somethin. 

[mrsferrarsx]

More.

[mrsferrarsx]

Played around with mirroring and glitches.

[mrsferrarsx]

I have improved so much last year. Therapy has transformed me into a new self, taught me how to survive, how to lead healthy relationships. Coming such a long way sometimes we forget that mental health can also be polluted by disease and thus, when the disease has been treated, experience a relapse. And that’s what is happening today; I know I am at a very good place mentally and that everything is really fine, yet today bpd kicks me  in the face and the devil convinces me that people are just faking their affection so they can hurt me more. It’s like I know they are just nice because I will become attached and then it is really fun to watch me hurt and burn. And I also know it is not true, but the devil keeps whispering.Keeps whispering: They are not mising you, you are replaceable, do not trust anyone, detach, push them away. And I am so tempted to give in. Today,the devil has me crying in a bus.

[mrsferrarsx]

“God, if you’re out there, if you’re listening, he fucks like a seraphim and there’s no part of scripture that ever prepared you for his hands. Hands that map a communion in the cradle of your hips. Hands that kiss hymns up your sides. He confesses how long he’s looked for a place to worship and, oh, you put him on his knees. When he sinks to the floor and moans like he can’t help himself, you wonder if the other angels fell so sweet.

Ashe Vernon, excerpt from “Profane”