musingsofanunwellmind

[musingsofanunwellmind]

Jeanette Winterson, from "Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal," publ. in 2011

[musingsofanunwellmind]

[musingsofanunwellmind]

Tik Tok may be restored but if you deleted the app like I did off your phone, you will not be able to download it just yet. I am sure you will be able to download again, just not immediately.

I think I am just going to stick to Tumblr and Instagram, while cross posting to Facebook. I miss simpler times with social media, so don’t mind me sticking to 2012.

[musingsofanunwellmind]

“If you planted hope today in a heart that felt alone, if you caused a laugh that chased some tears away, if someone’s burden was made lighter because of your kindness, then your day was well spent.”

— Healing Hugs

[musingsofanunwellmind]

So many things have changed in my life from 2024 until now.

2024 started out with being so excited about starting a family with my husband to us losing that pregnancy in January. I had to drive myself to the hospital looking at freshly fallen snow. I couldn’t help but think of Taylor Swifts lyrics from “Is it over now?”, she sings in one part of the song, “When you lost control, Red blood, white snow”. It was hauntingly beautiful outside on one of the worst days of my life. Tragically poetic in a way.

The year proceeded with the loss of my Uncle suddenly in July. He had a stroke and he had not been found in time. He was my grandmothers youngest. He was 49 and would have turned 50, two weeks later. The hardest part besides losing my first friend from childhood, was the fact that we had not left things on good terms. He took advantage of my kindness and I had to draw a boundary. Little did I know that boundary would haunt me for months to come and I would take it extremely hard. I had to do a lot of self reflection and reassure myself that he knew I loved him. That drawing boundaries is something you have to do for yourself. We do not know when death is going to come knocking on our doors and we cannot base our relationships with others based on the fact it could come for any of us, at anytime. We just have to live our lives to the best of our abilities and hope the decisions we are making are ones we can live with at the end of the day.

Flash forward a month after my Uncles death, I found out we were pregnant with our rainbow baby! I am happy to report we are now 24 weeks and sweet little Caroline Mae is getting stronger every day. Feeling her little kicks and flutters is a feeling I am so thankful to feel. She is already so loved and I like to think she is the healing my family needed to have hope again after loss. I believe my Uncle picked her out for us and knew we needed her.

Caroline will be here in May and I cannot wait to meet her. I hope she knows how loved she already is and that I am going to do everything I can to love her for whoever she chooses to be. That it is okay to struggle but to give yourself grace. There is no guide book to life but I will try my best to help her navigate this beautiful/ crazy journey.

I thank the heavens for you already my sweet girl! God knew I needed you and I will try to be the best mother I can be to you. Your dad is pretty amazing as well. He already loves you so much and I cannot wait to see him be your dad!

[musingsofanunwellmind]

Treat yourself . . .

[musingsofanunwellmind]

As someone who moved to a small town when they were in high school from Southern California, to than leave for the Navy to escape a small town, and move back years later. I can confirm that I have never felt more judged, talked about, or more unwelcome than when I have lived in a small town.

People in these small towns will smile to your face and than talk about you the second you turn the corner. People like to romanticize living in small town America, state they have small town values but are quick to look down on someone who loves someone they don’t agree with, believes in a different God than the one they believe in, or lives in any way that is different than the way they think other people should be living their lives.

There are good people who live in these towns but let’s please not pretend that small towns are Mayberry. They are only Mayberry if you fit a certain mold or haven’t experienced some kind of judgement.

Treat one another with kindness, even if they are different than you. 🫶🏼

[musingsofanunwellmind]

The poets will recount the tale

Of the knight and the witch

When the knight tells the village the tale of the wicked eyed woman in the forest

He will tell of how she cast a spell upon him

How he barely made it out alive

He will vow to slay her like the dragon she is

The knight will not see the plot twist coming from afar

The poets will recount the tale of the witch who slayed the wolf in the knights armor

Saving the people of the village from the true villain in this story

[musingsofanunwellmind]

Sunshine, why do you hide behind the clouds?

There is rain coming down on my face

Sunshine, are you sad?

I feel our souls are twin flames

People see sunshine on the outside

Inside, there are thunderstorms brewing behind my eyes

Wondering if there will come a day he will grow tired of me

The way my mind tells me she hates my insides

Zoloft is my drug of choice

The only thing keeping my brain from sending signals

Telling us our time is up

That it’s time to go

Looking up at the sky to see

A break in the clouds

Feeling the sunshine on my face and finding hope for another day

[musingsofanunwellmind]

Alexa, play “Anxiety” by Meghan the Stallion.

Maybe this can help get me through this crippling feeling that I have dealt with my entire life.

You ask for help and those same people turn around and say that they cannot help you.

If you do not deal with mental health issues, please do not tell us that you understand.

The feeling of not wanting to die but feeling like what is the point in going on?

When you have mental illness, you get angry at the paint on the wall and you definitely hate the person looking back at you in the mirror.

You don’t hate yourself but you hate the version of yourself in the reflection.

One minute you are calm and can make responsible decisions, than the next minute, you are manic and buying things that you are not going to use

Great ideas you come up with during the high, when you come back down you realize what you did.

You did that thing again and you are angry.

[musingsofanunwellmind]

Tiny human version of myself,

I wish I could go back and hug you.

To let you know, sweet girl, that while your smile will always put on a brave show for the world.

I know that deep down inside, you are hurting, asking why did they hurt us?

Monsters went from our TV screens to characters in our life story.

Unlike those fairy tales, we did not have anyone to save us.

We learned quickly that the only thing we could trust in the world was ourselves.

Sweet little one, we tried our hardest to kill them with kindness.

We tried to vanquish our dragons.

Bravely like the prince who saves the princess from the tower.

Avoiding the poison apples they tried to force us to eat with our wine stained lips.

Little one, do not fear, our story does have a happy ending.

We have not slayed the demons in our heads but we did find a prince who saved us from being prisoners in the tower of our thoughts.

He is kind, brave, loving, and would bravely walk through the fires of Mordor to bring us home.

He smells like pine and tastes like heavenly wine.

He is our peace, our haven, our muse, and better than our wildest dreams.

He is the type of love that great poets write about.

Through fire and brimstone, our love will be one of the greatest in history books.

[musingsofanunwellmind]

One day, I hope you see where you lost yourself

The person I knew is gone

I see sadness in your eyes with a fake smile used as your armor

Did they not tell you that even armor can be penetrated

Words as bullets

Eyes like daggers

Tears like acid rain

Are you not tired of trying to pretend you are sane

A life built

Gone quicker than you can say “go”

Maybe it stems from a childhood filled with nos

The traumas you have from childhood

You said you never would pass these on

You said you wanted to break generational curses

Instead, the pattern continues

The tears create streams that will carry this pain to the next generation

I cry like a child wounded by the ripples caused by war

Heart broken by ones called family

Still

Giving thanks for the memories

Thanking the universe, she has closed the cellar door

No more lying on the floor

Asking where it all went wrong

I am no longer burdened with guilt

I look up and move along

Hoping

One day, you see where you lost yourself

[musingsofanunwellmind]

Prophecies written by the Gods

Galaxies filled with stars and cosmos

Oceans filled with sirens and lost souls

Infinite loops of time and space

Your heart and mine