my-mindless-diary - Tumblr blog

[my-mindless-diary]

reading through this blog and seeing that I still struggle with the same stuff, have the same thoughts, do the same stupid things etc.

I started this blog in 2016, I know my struggles started waay earlier, I actually can't remember a time where I wasn't feeling bad in some kind of way

it's really discouraging to see that all the time, all the growing up, and even therapy changed nothing

and I still sit in my bed, cutting my arm, thinking about how everyone thinks I'm stupid and annoying.. it actually makes me kinda laugh

or maybe that's just because I'm a little bit high right now idk

what also made me laugh today is the fact that I hurt myself on purpose when I already have chronic pain lol

[my-mindless-diary]

a week ago marked one year of him being gone and again my chest hurts and I'm wondering what he'd have looked like growing up and I'm laughing about myself for whining about my pathetic problems when his situation was much worse

fitting song I'm listening to right now, the lyrics say "suicide is part of your life"...okay but why is it other people's suicide and not mine? he was a fucking child urgh

Tw: suicide

Yesterday (or actually the day before that bc it's 3am rn) my best friend called me to tell me that her little brother died...he killed himself, jumped in front of a train. He was 18, just started to become a veterinarian. Nobody expected it. He was in therapy a while ago and even in a psychiatric hospital. His older brother is/was the one everyone is/was worried about. Several addictions, severel suicide attempts. But afaik he's clean now and the best he's ever been. But...the whole family focused on him. My friend complained that everyone always asks about him and never cares for how she feels. She was in therapy, too and I really hope she'll seek help again cause that shits hard... So, everyone focused on the middle child. My friend (the oldest) is mostly alright, the therapy helped and she talks about her struggles with other people. The youngest one was the one that (from my perspective) no one really saw. Sure, everyone saw the struggles, especially after he himself decided to go into a psychiatric hospital. But most of the time everyone thought he's alright. And now he's fucking dead...

The parents are divorced (or separated). I can't imagine what losing a child feels like...the mum lives alone, the dad had the youngest kid living with him. It must be so fucking hard... And the middle child will probably feel triggered because of his own past attempts... I can't fucking believe it..

I'm sure he never thought about me..I'm just a friend of his sister, someone he sees maybe every two years...but he's been on my mind for the past idk...30 hours or so... constantly. His sister is so angry, talked about wanting to beat him up for the stupid stuff he's done. I mostly can't believe it and it fucking hurts my heart. Last week my friend told me about him. How tall he got, how his legs look ridiculously slender, how he got his first tattoo...and now it's all gone, he's gone..how is that possible? My chest hurts thinking about him. About how I was curious about how he looks like rn, about how he'll grow up. I've known him since he was like 4 years old! And now I'll never see him again and it fucking hurts hurts hurts and I don't know what to do

[my-mindless-diary]

Just read his suicide note and it hurts so much. he said he wasn't sad, he lost his will to live..that he didn't feel like doing things anymore..that it was his destiny to die. He enjoyed his life, he said. That he thought about it for years and couldn't find another way. Reading this broke my heart

Tw: suicide

Yesterday (or actually the day before that bc it's 3am rn) my best friend called me to tell me that her little brother died...he killed himself, jumped in front of a train. He was 18, just started to become a veterinarian. Nobody expected it. He was in therapy a while ago and even in a psychiatric hospital. His older brother is/was the one everyone is/was worried about. Several addictions, severel suicide attempts. But afaik he's clean now and the best he's ever been. But...the whole family focused on him. My friend complained that everyone always asks about him and never cares for how she feels. She was in therapy, too and I really hope she'll seek help again cause that shits hard... So, everyone focused on the middle child. My friend (the oldest) is mostly alright, the therapy helped and she talks about her struggles with other people. The youngest one was the one that (from my perspective) no one really saw. Sure, everyone saw the struggles, especially after he himself decided to go into a psychiatric hospital. But most of the time everyone thought he's alright. And now he's fucking dead...

The parents are divorced (or separated). I can't imagine what losing a child feels like...the mum lives alone, the dad had the youngest kid living with him. It must be so fucking hard... And the middle child will probably feel triggered because of his own past attempts... I can't fucking believe it..

I'm sure he never thought about me..I'm just a friend of his sister, someone he sees maybe every two years...but he's been on my mind for the past idk...30 hours or so... constantly. His sister is so angry, talked about wanting to beat him up for the stupid stuff he's done. I mostly can't believe it and it fucking hurts my heart. Last week my friend told me about him. How tall he got, how his legs look ridiculously slender, how he got his first tattoo...and now it's all gone, he's gone..how is that possible? My chest hurts thinking about him. About how I was curious about how he looks like rn, about how he'll grow up. I've known him since he was like 4 years old! And now I'll never see him again and it fucking hurts hurts hurts and I don't know what to do

[my-mindless-diary]

Tw: suicide

Yesterday (or actually the day before that bc it's 3am rn) my best friend called me to tell me that her little brother died...he killed himself, jumped in front of a train. He was 18, just started to become a veterinarian. Nobody expected it. He was in therapy a while ago and even in a psychiatric hospital. His older brother is/was the one everyone is/was worried about. Several addictions, severel suicide attempts. But afaik he's clean now and the best he's ever been. But...the whole family focused on him. My friend complained that everyone always asks about him and never cares for how she feels. She was in therapy, too and I really hope she'll seek help again cause that shits hard... So, everyone focused on the middle child. My friend (the oldest) is mostly alright, the therapy helped and she talks about her struggles with other people. The youngest one was the one that (from my perspective) no one really saw. Sure, everyone saw the struggles, especially after he himself decided to go into a psychiatric hospital. But most of the time everyone thought he's alright. And now he's fucking dead...

The parents are divorced (or separated). I can't imagine what losing a child feels like...the mum lives alone, the dad had the youngest kid living with him. It must be so fucking hard... And the middle child will probably feel triggered because of his own past attempts... I can't fucking believe it..

I'm sure he never thought about me..I'm just a friend of his sister, someone he sees maybe every two years...but he's been on my mind for the past idk...30 hours or so... constantly. His sister is so angry, talked about wanting to beat him up for the stupid stuff he's done. I mostly can't believe it and it fucking hurts my heart. Last week my friend told me about him. How tall he got, how his legs look ridiculously slender, how he got his first tattoo...and now it's all gone, he's gone..how is that possible? My chest hurts thinking about him. About how I was curious about how he looks like rn, about how he'll grow up. I've known him since he was like 4 years old! And now I'll never see him again and it fucking hurts hurts hurts and I don't know what to do

[my-mindless-diary]

26.06.22. II 11.30pm

It's been a while. A lot of stuff happened since I last used this blog. Well, the goods stuff first I guess.

I've changed therapists. Did one year of cognitive behavioural therapy (is that what it's called in English? Idk). I also got a diagnosis. I have an a social anxiety disorder and a general one. That lead to depression. Realising that changed a lot. First it shocked me a lot that my diagnosis is not Depression ™️ as this has been a part of my identity for...idk forever I guess. But realising that most of my problems stem from anxiety and fear helped a lot. During the pandemic my anxiety got so bad that I constantly had a racing heart and wasn't able to call anyone or go to the supermarket without getting at least a small anxiety attack. That is so much better now. Still feel like shit oftentimes but the social anxiety stuff is much better. My boyfriend said that before the therapy there was about an 80% of a panic or anxiety attack whenever we met people and now it happens like idk 10% maybe? So hurray for that.

Also I moved and live with 3 other people. For one year my sister lived with me and that was great but she left half a year ago. I really love my housemates (still not entirely sure about the new oney but he's okay) and it improved my mental health immensely to not be alone all the time.

Now the bad stuff. My therapy is over and I feel like I only treated the obvious stuff but there is still so much I need to talk about... Mobbing, abusive relationships with friends and partners, sexual assaults etc. Stuff that's in the past but influence me everyday.

Also the pandemic fucked me up big time. My brother has long Covid now and is disabled, my boyfriend's mum believes messed up conspiracy theories and gets more and more radical about stuff, my university studies are just... unbearable and I forgot how to spend time outside of my house for longer than 4 hours or so.

Currently I'm trying to finish my bachelor's degree to finally start my master's. My first masters semester starts in September and I have to do an internship in a school. Luckily I will do it at a school close to my parents and my boyfriend. But I am so fucking afraid of doing it... Such a huge step and I hate change. Also I might not be able to do it when I don't finish my bachelor's stuff first and so far it doesn't look good.. I still have to write two term paper plus my bachelor's paper (but I can take one of these into my master and do it later). I just can't write anymore. The moment I open my term paper I get an anxiety attack with heavy breathing and heart racing and stuff... Idk I just can't do it and it kills me...

That's it for today, maybe I'll use this blog more often again idk

I actually looked at it again bc I felt like shit and had self harm and suicidal thoughts again but somehow writing about the last couple of years helped a bit I think

[my-mindless-diary]

10.12.19 II 11.47pm

I'm sitting in my bed crying rn. After watching videos on YouTube I suddenly stated feeling bad. idk why but just like that unsettling feeling inside of my stomach that creeps through every cell. I honestly feel it in my legs and my hands, it's weird.

I feel extremely alone, although I know I have ppl who care about me. But somehow I don't really feel like I can be 100% me with one of them. I feel like I'm always kind of performing, idk. And when I talk about myself and my feelings I often catch myself saying something that isn't true or something that I don't know if it's true or not. Most of the time I just have no clue about anything.

Went to therapy yesterday. We talked about a lot of important things including the deaths of my grandma an my boyfriend's father. This was hard. I kind of feel like my therapist doesn't really listens to me. Like sure she hears me and stuff, but I don't think she gets me idk. I wish she'd respond more... But I guess that's just the type of therapy. I don't know if I'll get a diagnosis but so far she said a couple of things that bothered me. I guess she's right about most of them but it feels like she's only talking about my symptoms and I already know them and know how to deal with them. When I'm not at therapy I have so much to talk about (I also talk a lot on therapy) but I feel like I struggle with talking about my real issues ™️ in therapy. I don't know, it's just kind of weird..

I had a panic or anxiet attack Saturday night after a party. Weird thing was that I didn't actually feel bad, it was just my body panicking, not my mind. That was crazy

I have early fucking need to sleep now..

[my-mindless-diary]

27.11.19 II 9.21 pm

I feel nauseous.. my belly is hurting. Every time I eat my stomach aches like shit. Sometimes I have to rush to the toilet. Even meds don't work. Also, I want to throw up right now. I'm kinda drunk and I ate a fucking lot. I'm in bed now, I have to wake up very early tomorrow, because I may have a job now, whohoooo. Tomorrow at fucking waaay too early I have to be in this nice café, work for 3 hours and prove that I'm fit for the job. I really fucking hope it works. I have no money rn...

I go to therapy now. My therapist is nice but I struggle to be totally honest with her. I don't know why.. I just want to show her that I'm not total shit I think, idk

I wasn't really in contact with R. lately but we're meeting tomorrow. Another thing to be anxious about, yay

Uff I wish I was strong enough to kill myself. Not that I have it THAT bad, I am just so exhausted. I don't want to put so much effort into existing, it's tiring

Trying to sleep now. I hope my stomach stops hurting, ouch

[my-mindless-diary]

Hey Stop, moment Mal. Ich vergesse gerade zu existieren!

[my-mindless-diary]

14.09.19 II 00.22

For the first time in ages I feel good! Like really okay, maybe even happy! :) And I don't really know why, since I didn't do anything for uni today, only ate "bad food" and didn't leave my room... But for the first time in a very long time I drew something today! I did 6 sketches and it feels so nice :) I'm genuinely happy at the moment. Feels weird but good

[my-mindless-diary]

13.09.19 ll 11.21pm

Tw: death, self harm, suicide, mental health, car accidents

2019, the year...

... my boyfriend's father died

... I started cutting again

... a friend tried to kill himself multiple times

... a friend got in a serious car accident

... my mother got really sick, physically and emotionally

... my dissociation got so bad that I started forgetting whole weekends

... the pain in my lower stomach got way worse

2019, also the year...

... my boyfriend finally quit his awful job and started working at home

... I made many new amazing friends

... my friend survived all his suicide attempts and got into a clinic

... my friend only had small injuries after a car accident

... I started drawing again

... my mother start to put her (mental) health over work

... I found many great artists to watch and to listen to

... I'll finally start therapy (hopefully)

... my best friend moved out from home and got a job

... another friend graduated and also got a job

... my awful flatmate moved out

... I got a piercing, a new haircut and a new hair colour

Let's see what the last couple of months will bring

[my-mindless-diary]

16.05.19 II 00.45

Tw: self harm, mental health

Two days ago I hurt myself again. After I haven't done it in a long time. How long? I don't know. A year maybe. Today, I did it again. It's stupid. Not really cuts, just scratches. They still hurt, they burn. My friend M. asked me if everything is okay when he saw the marks while being at the gym. What a stupid question to ask in that situation. I know he only wanted to be nice and stuff. But in what universe would I tell him about my problems in a fucking gym? I told him it was a cat I met. Makes no difference.

I started to care about another person, his name is R. He is very depressed and suicidal. I want to help him. Because he deserves to live and be happy, or at least be satisfied. Also, caring for others gives me purpose. It legitimates me being alive. And I feel less alone when talking to him. But I just told him about how I feel, how I destroy myself to help others and I think he refuses to write me again, now. I understand why, but I need him to write me. I want him to be okay.

I hope M. does not see the new cut/scratch I made today. I don't have a logical explanation for that and I don't want to tell him, or any other person.

I just want to exist in peace. Help others and stop hurting. That is all.

[my-mindless-diary]

04.06.18 II 23.56Uhr

Was müsste anders sein, damit es mir jetzt gut gehen würde?

Ich wäre stolz auf mich, dass ich heute für meine Prüfungen gelernt hab. Darauf, dass ich gekocht hab und Ukulele gespielt hab.

Außerdem wüsste ich, dass mich Leute brauchen. Ich mein, irgendwie weiß ich das ja aber ich fühl mich trotzdem sehr ersetzbar. Die Leute brauchen nicht mich, sondern irgendjemanden der da ist, das könnte jeder sein und zufälligerweise bin ich das.

Ich könnte außerdem meine komische Wut, Energie oder was auch immer das ist verstehen. Ich kann sie zum Glück kontrollieren. Meine Finger fangen an zu kribbeln, bis in die Unterarme und ich wünsch mir einfach nur so sehr, dass etwas passiert. Irgendwas großes, lautes, mit Adrenalin und Emotionen. Irgendwas, was das ganze hier aufbricht und aufweckt. Da kommt auch manchmal der komische Wunsch nach einem Faustkampf. Ich lehne Gewalt ab, aber manchmal hab ich das Gefühl, das wäre die einzige Möglichkeit das zu fühlen, was ich so gerne fühlen würde.

Ich würde auch damit klarkommen, dass es Menschen schlecht geht. Ich hab das Gefühl, ich muss etwas gegen das ganze Leid tun. Das fängt klein an, bei meinen Freunden und meiner Familie, anderen Bekannten und dann irgendwann hab ich das Gefühl, ich MUSS etwas tun, dass es der Welt besser geht und ich werde unglaublich frustriert, dass ich es niemals schaffen werde. Immer werden Leute leiden und hauptsächlich, weil andere Leute scheiße sind und das macht mich krank. Ich will dann kein Mensch sein, Menschen sind so grausam.

Zusätzlich hätte ich keine Depressionen und Angstzustände mehr. Einer meiner größten Wünsche ist es, Kinder zu bekommen. Aber ich möchte niemanden eine psychisch kranke Mutter antun. Das macht die Kinder nur kaputt, gibt ihnen Schuldgefühle und wahrscheinlich auch eine verkorkste Psyche. Ich kann nicht Mal für mich selbst sorgen, wie soll ich das dann für Kinder tun...?

Ich sehne mich ganz arg nach irgendwas und ich weiß nicht was. Niemand kann mir das geben. Das ist eine Sehnsucht weit weg zu gehen, Abenteuer zu erleben, mehr zu sein als ich bin, was zu erreichen, gebraucht zu werden, einen Nutzen haben und wirklich dazu beizutragen, dass die Welt ein besserer Ort wird. Oder auf einen anderen Planeten gehen. Aber ob's mir da besser gehen würde? Ich wäre ja immer noch mit mir da...

[my-mindless-diary]

24.03.18 II 03.30am

Shut up you pretentious bitch, you'll never be able to do it anyways...

[my-mindless-diary]

25.03.18 II 01.50am

Constant struggle between "leave me the fuck alone" and " please help me"!

[my-mindless-diary]

24.03.18 II 00.19am

Hey, i'm 21 since the beginning of march now, lucky me! When I was 13, I was convinced that I would die at the age of 18, would be kind of frustrating if I died now, 3 years to late, right? I guess I'll have to live until 27 and if I don't die then, I'll look for another pathetic age to die, good plan?

I just watched the movie "before I fall". I actually prefer the name in my language. I think it translates to: "when you die, your whole life passes you by, they say". I like that title. I've read the book a couple of years ago, I think I even read it twice. The movie is okay for a book adaption, I think. It also kinda triggered something in me. I'm always searching for purpose, for a reason why I live. And I kind of embraced the idea, that I am here to make others happy, to help them with their pain. But.. when I don't do that or when I'm bad at this, what is my purpose? Why am I here? So the idea of dying to save someone else, to make their life better, to do something like that...feels kind of...I don't really find a word. But it feels like something I relate to. If I knew for sure, that the life of one person or more people would certainly be better if I died, I'd do it. For me, it's the ultimate thing. But at the moment, I can think of too many people who would be hurt if I died now. And I think, the fear of hurting these people is the only thing holding me back, sometimes. I don't want to be the reason they feel sad or something, not more than I already am. I think this is my depression speaking, no, I know it is. But it's really convincing sometimes.

If I only knew, people would feel better if I wasn't here... because I sure can't make myself happy in this life. And making others happy by dying sounds pretty nice and easy. But being alive, doing something...it's so hard. Just like the line in Hamilton: "dying is easy, young man. Living is harder." I love easy ways, but I also know, that I often take the harder one. I always complain on the way, I cry, I get breakdowns and I think about giving up all the time. This applies to school, uni, my whole life. It has always been like that. But it also shows, that I somehow always make it. I don't know how...but I do. Maybe this will work again. Maybe it won't. The easy way is just so hard to resist, sometimes. I know that I really really have to work and do things, get shit done to make it. And I actually don't know if I will, but for now I can say that I try. It's not a lost case, I am not a lost case. Not now.

[my-mindless-diary]

25.01.18 II 04.55pm

My best friend knows about this blog. He found it on accident. I asked him not to read it and I'm so thankful that he doesn't and that he respects my privacy. But sometimes...sometimes I wish he read it.

[my-mindless-diary]

25.01.18 II 04.44pm

I know I'm getting bad again when I see certain signs. I felt ugly. I hurt myself with my fingernails. I felt like I wasn't really here. Today I showered, cleaned the bathroom, changed my bed sheets, put on nice clothes and makeup (I only wear makeup to special occasions) and then I did important stuff for uni. I ate breakfast at 1.30am today. Didn't feel hungry. Still don't. I googled overdosing on painkillers. I then started to cry and felt the urge to hurt myself. I had pictures of me cutting my arms open in my head. I almost felt it. I stopped crying and now I'm here...feeling empty. Not sad, not desperate. Just empty. I want to throw up. Most nights I think about how I would kill myself if I ever did it. It's like telling a story. I feel safe planning. I also know I'm not strong enough to do it but it feels good to have a plan. To know exactly what to do. I have plans with friends tonight. I will be normal. Or maybe just as weird as I am sometimes. The normal weird that everyone knows. Cause everyone has bad days and they are allowed to not be happy every day. It's just one of these days, right? So don't worry.