nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

I hate the way doctors address things sometimes. Today I got told "xyz isn't a concern, BUT it COULD become one"

Like thank you for all of that anxiety and uncertainty.

Now I will anxiously await my next appointment to check on things to make sure the "totally fine things" are still in fact, totally fine.

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

Today’s fish thing is this set of fish glass cups! (Origin unknown)

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

How do I explain to people that I need the fan blowing on me to exist comfortably but sometimes I need a thin layer between me and direct air flow or I lose my goddamn mind like no it doesn't mean that I "don't actually want the fan on me" it's a bodily need for air flow and cold with a sensory need not to feel like my raw nerves are atop a tundra.

I need to be cold at all times but sometimes I cannot handle the sensory input of maintaining that temperature.

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

I'm so sick of hearing "POTS isn't life threatening" "POTS can't kill you" okay so when I get a heat stroke because POTS does not allow my body to regulate it's own temperature, is that supposed to be my fault? POTS is a threat to my life if I can't survive the summer heat because of it.

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

Shout out to people with auditory processing disorder!!!

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

In hindsight it's very insulting to be told that flunking out of college due to adhd is actually "quite common"

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

Just complaining again...

Pots has been triggering a lot more often the last few days. Multiple floor-bound spells, way more than usual.

The one earlier this afternoon funnily enough worked out well because while I was lying on the bathroom floor (before my shower) my health coordinator called me and we went through some things in the system. Updating whatnots and etc.

Once the call was over I was able to drag myself into the shower (but really struggled actually) and afterwards had to collapse into bed for a while. A poop crisis with my youngest triggered another episode and I almost fell down the stairs twice.

I managed to pass the fridge en route to collapsing onto the couch and snagged a few slices of turkey to munch. Now just sipping on water till it's empty and gotta figure out how I'm going to get it refilled. I don't see myself getting up very soon.

Hate this so much. I really do. I know I've bitched a lot about it lately but it needs to be bitched about. I gotta. I'm so angry and frustrated and tired of this shit day in and day out.

The kiddos are fine... but truthfully I am not. I am struggling so badly and the more I drag and drain the closer to being immobile I become and I hate that. I am collapsing multiple times on the daily and I thank the gods for my husband because I couldn't do this at all without him.

Every moment I'm incapacitated he takes over and pushes himself too. (He works overnights so when he steps up during the day he is draining himself too) we're just at that point. A nanny will be the saving grace for us and it's right on the cusp of finally happening and I'm gonna cry when it does.

I'm so tired.......

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

thank you Canada 🇨🇦

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

Gods I hate pots....

Today we finally managed to grocery shop and ⅔ of the way through a flareup hit me HARD. I nearly fainted several times before just collapsing onto the pharmacy bench...

I couldn't stand back up for a frustratingly long time. My husband had to walk me to their little machine to check my bp. My heartrate was 144 and bp was something like 130/80? I cant really remember I was in such a fog.

Hyperadrenergic POTS is the subtype I have which SUCKS I mean all pots sucks but high bp in general sucks. It doesnt help that I'm pregnant. Which of course exacerbates it a little more.

I barely made it back to the truck where I tried to help load groceries into the back but ultimately dragged myself into the passenger seat and disintegrated. Husband got everything squared away and the ride home was awful. I felt like death was upon me from how hard this episode was hitting me. (Dramatic I'm sure but that's how it feels when it's bad bad.)

Got home and thankfully our kiddos were ready for a nap. They went to bed and hubs and I crashed on the couch immediately after. (Tmi but if you have pots too do you ever just.... completely strip down and lie in front of a fan on full blast when the heat-flare gets ya? Cuz that's helped immediately take the edge off and aghk. Anyway.)

I am so. Fucking. Drained. From one shopping trip/flareup and I just.... I hate it. I hate this. 17 years I've dealt with this utter nonsense from my body and I'm just.... so.... tired... of it....

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

I hate going to bed hungry thinking I can just sleep it off and then insomnia is like

Think again you fool

I need to eat but idk what to eat Dx

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

Well I'm super bummed out. My father was supposed to visit this weekend but his wife's schedule changed abruptly. So basically they had to blow through town and not see ANYONE.

I haven't seen my dad in 15 years. Every time we tried to arrange something, something vital would fall through. Sometimes an unexpected expense on either of our ends, meant no ticket money. Or sometimes we'd have it all arranged and then workplaces would screw us over and overturn our vacation and then we couldnt go. Weather has canceled flights. Health has canceled trips.

We tried for a decade. I stopped being able to once I started having children due to health worsening and of course financial + childcare. Just kept never working out. I still am baffled that it's been this many years. Half my life. I saw him last right when I'd turned 16 and I'd gone over to visit my dad's side of the family a short ways away.

We've sent photos and videos back and forth so it isnt like we havent seen the growth of life and passing of time but obviously that's different. He is going to try again first thing next year and plan a longer time off slot to try and accommodate any abrupt changes/get to relax a little and see family. At least by the next attempted visit he'll get to see ALL his grandchildren. I'm of course refering to our newest addition arriving in a few months.

So maybe it'll all work out in the end and it'll be a huge bash of a family gathering. Hoping to see my aunt I havent seen in ages also. But her family is the type of family that is absolutely swamped with work, hobbies, etc and their schedule is so packed. But I can hope.

- - - - - - - - -

My eldest was sick recently for a couple of days. I got sick on the 2nd day and have been sick since. It's been maybe 4 or 5 days for me. But sadly, in a rare happening, my husband is now also sick today. This man rarely ever gets sick let alone from us. Sickness usually blows through my eldest and I while my husband and youngest remain unaffected.

Thankfully youngest hasnt caught it yet. Also thankful it only stayed with my eldest for 2 days. (It's usually worse and longer lasting)

But man..... having both of us parents down for the count is about to be ROUGH. On top of sickness, he has to work an overtime weekend basically a 72 hr shift. (With breaks but still)

On Father's Day weekend no less. What a time. What a time.

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

Update! My youngest and I can both eat duck eggs! I'm stoked. I've missed them so much. T_T

Okay. I've just tried a duck egg. We shall see if my body accepts it.

I cannot eat chicken eggs (regardless of processed at store or straight from the chicken in the yard type deal)

My nutritionist a couple years ago suggested I try duck eggs as some people who can't have chicken eggs, CAN have duck. It took this long to 1 remember and 2 acquire the eggs whilst still remembering.

Found a local lady who has like 20-some ducks that are all laying or most are laying and she just gave them to me to try.

I'm so nervous. It was so delicious and I LOVE eggs so I really hope my body accepts these eggs. My youngest also cannot have chicken eggs so it's something I hope is an option for him too.

🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

I'm..... going to finally write the letter. To my mother. Laying out how she broke our relationship. That I'm not going to speak to her anymore and she will not be seeing my children again.

I know she's going to blow up. Upset. Anger. Will probably (continue to) shit talk me to family and social media. But I..... just don't care anymore. She's hurt me so deeply and I cannot forgive her. Especially since it's ongoing.

She's not going to change and I've accepted it. My biggest sadness with this decision is, I'm very close with my grandmother, her mother. This grandmother however holds so tight onto family that she might take my mother's side over mine, she's her kid afterall. Which, tbh I'm not even going to be mad about. Hurt terribly. But not mad.

Family is so important to me but I refuse to tolerate and cater to such toxicity and I do not want my children around such people thinking it's okay to behave that way.

My siblings feel the same way. Except maybe the youngest who's too young to understand. Which also sucks because I already barely know my youngest sibling and this cut off pretty much ensures I'll not see them again + mom will probably poison their view of me which I can't really do anything about at this point.

But I'm tired of this resentment and tension looming over me for the past several years. Festering. We were supposed to have a big family hash out all cards and sentiments on the table and it never happened. I'm tired of waiting for something that's probably never going to happen.

I'm waiting until some things come to fruition but it'll be before yule. I want my grandmother to meet her newest grandchild before possibly losing her from this choice... so I'm going to wait. Wait until a few things are in order before this move.

It's going to be difficult. I'm honestly scared that my mom is one of those people who'd call services out of spite when she's cut off from the grandkids (that she currently never makes an effort to see outside one holiday a year, mind you) but yeah.... this is going to suck and I want more ducks in a row before she hurls any retaliation my way. Because she will. She will throw a fit in some way and I'm not looking forward to it.

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

My younger brother came over today to help me with household cleaning. I had planned to also clean alongside him but my body felt so shut down I could barely do anything for the bulk of the time.

I'd been bedridden for most of the last 2-2½ months roughly. So naturally the daily/weekly household things really took a hard hit. Dishes and the main bathroom were the absolute worst.

He had to wear a respirator to clear our sink out. Yea. But managed the bathroom just fine. What he knocked out in only 4 hours blew my mind. He also completely picked up the living/dining room floors so I could vacuum (I didn't even have spoons to mop but hey at least I did one out of two)

But having these major neglected tasks handled is such a breath of relief for my husband and I. He is going to come over once a week and continue to help manage/tackle things and I cannot thank him enough.

He's been in the same boat for different reasons and he actually found it very relaxing which was really reassuring because I was worried he'd be miserable with what he signed up for 😅

Then towards the end of his cleaning spree an old friend of my husband's came by with her two youngest children. They are each barely younger than our two kiddos so the age range was spot on. Oh they had a BLAST together. I see many-a-playdates in the future.

She is I think it was a massage therapist?? Which my husband is in desperate need of. We have a massage table upstairs we just acquired which was literally perfect. Hubs got months/years of pent up muscle stress worked out while I enjoyed my littles socializing with her littles and having a damn good evening.

*sigh*

Today was a good day. 😌

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

Okay. I've just tried a duck egg. We shall see if my body accepts it.

I cannot eat chicken eggs (regardless of processed at store or straight from the chicken in the yard type deal)

My nutritionist a couple years ago suggested I try duck eggs as some people who can't have chicken eggs, CAN have duck. It took this long to 1 remember and 2 acquire the eggs whilst still remembering.

Found a local lady who has like 20-some ducks that are all laying or most are laying and she just gave them to me to try.

I'm so nervous. It was so delicious and I LOVE eggs so I really hope my body accepts these eggs. My youngest also cannot have chicken eggs so it's something I hope is an option for him too.

🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻