nefarious-world

[nefarious-world]

One shot scenario from my soon to be fan-fiction

[nefarious-world]

Imma still post the poems I don’t like-

I want to be wanted.

I want to be seen

I want to be cried for

I want to be cared for

I want to be valued

I want to be heard

I want to be wanted.

I want

I want

I want

I want.

I need.

I want a love, I know doesn't exist here. I want to feel like I deserve to be loved. I want multiple someones that i can't have. I want to know if they'd even love me like I already love them. I need another to help me survive.

I want to have another that I know cares about me. I want to have someone I'd want to live forever for. I want my heart to ache because I uncharacteristically, devotedly, love them. I want someone’s heart to ache because they uncharacteristically, devotedly, love me. I need someone.

I want to be wanted.

I need to be wanted.

[nefarious-world]

i am considered funny by many people, i want to make others see my devotion even when i am the one thats feeling unloved

I wonder about others so different from me, some real, some not, but they deserve to be happy.

I hear many feelings so contrasting to others, they are meant to be heard and shown they’re known.

i see beauty in everything, the people and the world, so many different personalities each one stands out from the other

I want to see joy, peace and harmony, I want them to know that they are beloved.

I am kind, or at least I try to be, just know it isn't my fault when I'm accidently snappy.

i pretend im fine so others not worry, but i'm not in the mood for trying to be happy

I feel sad, quite a bit of the time, i reject any affection from others I love, but I don't mean for them to feel shunned.

i touch the intimacy, tenderness and fondness, but i spurn and present myself with such hardness

i worry about the people i push away, scared of commitment, used to forcing myself to feel nothing but numbness

i cry out for help but cant talk when i have it, just ignore it and try to settle for nothingness

I am toxic even when others don't know it, I know I am human, but why can't you see? i am not someone worthy of you

i understand my emotions are important, but i feel i make others hold my burdens

i say im funny just because i want to be, but i know that's not what is true to me

i dream to be loved in a way like no other, but how can i give all myself when i still feel unwhole

i try to love myself in the same way i know they love me, reason after reason on why i should, but i can't, i can't, and i'm sorry

i hope one day this all wouldn't matter to me, i should love myself and not to be relied on to make others happy

I am human, beautiful, in and out, if only I can make myself see it in the way others do. and for all that, I swear, I really am sorry.

[nefarious-world]

TW

I can’t express how much I hate myself. The amount of hate and rage I’ve felt is something that makes me feel like I want to relapse. Everything was getting better, I’m on new meds and they help but ever since that breakdown I’ve felt angry. My sleep schedule is impossible to permanently fix and with my schedule my day is full of school, my brain makes me feel like I don’t have enough time to myself. It’s fall break and even before it started, I was gaining a lot of weight because I’m not active in my breaks between classes or after them. I want to do what makes me happy not exercise. This has caused me to gain more weight than I’m comfortable with. I’ve struggled with this before and then, I made the decision to starve myself. That made everything worse. And I cant do anything about it because my body and brain won’t let me. And I feel if I do start trying to fix it then my motivation will be corrupted. I could overwork myself or even end up despising myself more with no results. I’m angry towards myself and as punishment I want to start cutting again. But I can’t. I promised my mom I wouldn’t and if I got caught I would be sent back to the hospital. I would stay there for a month. I’m getting stretch marks where I didn’t know they could appear. Last time I peaked at the scale at my physiatrist appointment and I was about 195 pounds. I’m pretty sure I’m well over 200 now and that gives me emotions I didn’t know I could feel. Everyone keeps telling me it doesn’t matter and I know it doesn’t but I can’t convince my brain. I feel guilty anytime I eat anything. Sometimes I don’t eat what I wanted, and wait till I’m really hungry for something. I feel bed bound and I don’t know why. I’m finally able to brush my hair, teeth and take a shower every other day when I couldn’t do that for so long. But then this happens. It’s one thing after the other and it won’t stop. I need a break from my brain and what other people think. I need a break from life. Because if I don’t it will destroy me. I honestly don’t see myself still here in the future. Not just because of my problems but of others. I’m forced to grow up in a world that doesn’t care about me. The earth is dying, my rights are taken away, war may be starting, the government is not run on a democracy anymore, women are still fighting for their rights in 2022, i will be financially struggling, I won’t be able to buy a house, men will always be whispering in my ear and so much fucking more I can’t name because it’s so much. I don’t want to live through all that. It’s not worth it. But I can’t do fucking anything about it except just sit here. I’m stuck with my anger, hatred, self loathing, anxiety and fear. I’m only 13.