nickthemudkiptrainer

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

peak deltarune moment

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

👑🩶 So close yet so far away… 🩶👑

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

There is an update today

I went up to the church to help out with cleaning up around the building and outside work like mowing and edging. It seems they do this every other month, and I was happy to help out, the mower is even the same model as the one I have at my house so I knew how to use it already.

The pastor pulled me aside afterwards to talk to me.

She (the pastor) did meet with my ex girlfriend a few weeks ago. They had grabbed dinner together and talked a lot and got to know each other. They did also talk a bit about me. She (the pastor) said it was a really good additional coincidence that my wife and I had talked with her (pastor) & her husband earlier in the week, and that I had briefly mentioned the encounter with my ex in the service and the significance it held to me on a personal level.

The pastor told me that she thinks there may be a chance my ex is open to us meeting up for a talk, conditionally, together with the pastor present as well, as like a group counseling session thing, but that she (pastor) first wants to meet with me again some time next week and hear the whole story from the beginning and I suppose see if I’m ready/ mature enough to have a big boy sit-down reconnection-type of talk.

This is an answer to the prayers I have been praying for the last month. I believe the best possible outcome.

I will keep you posted chat what becomes of this, but there’s a genuine ray of hope of a chance now.

I was choking back tears when the pastor told me this. I managed to say “I just was so unsure when I saw her in service, I could tell it was her and I considered just walking back out and leaving that day but for some reason I stayed.” I wanted to face my fears.

& I don’t want to hurt her”.

So that’s where we are. Maybe by this time next week, who knows.

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

Ah I have been on Reddit for 13 years as of today huh

Surely there’s no deeper meaning or connection to be made from joining reddit and reading the awful opinions of redditors and the start of the decline of the relationship I had right around this time after graduation and the start of summer hmm

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

Your reunion shall turn the gears of destiny, of both yours and the world’s.

In that fleeting moment where the star-trails cross, May your hands find each other’s.

I love this game, and I hate that it’s now intertwined with my own personal life and relationship drama.

On ex-girlfriend’s podcast episode 34

Each episode is about an hour long, I can basically make it through one and a half a day listening at work and Saturday so I’ll say maybe 10 a week. As long as the emotional erosion is kept at bay.

So by my calculations, I’ll basically have listened to every episode before my birthday on August 16th here in a few months.

I would still like to listen through all of these before her & I have a formal catching up conversation (the odds of which happening are still basically 0.01%) because she talks so much about her past experiences and high school, I still feel like it’s only a matter of time before she mentions me. If she does, and if it is in a negative light, as stated previously, then I’ll stop listening and stop the entire alchemy reconnection project on the spot. I won’t see out an audience with her, and heck I may even try to move out of this godforsaken cursed town idk.

Part of me is actually hoping she does say something hurtful about me. That she calls me an awful person, and just rips off the bandaid for the entire town (of podcast listeners) to hear about. It would be so easy for her to just shove me under the bus for the sins of what I did & said to hurt her as kids. I wouldn’t even blame her. It would be justified. I know now what I did was wrong and I am not asking for forgiveness nor do I deserve it.

But she hasn’t yet. As of episode 34, but there’s still a long ways to go. It’s kinda crazy I haven’t heard her voice in 13 years and now it’s like I can’t get it out of my head even when I’m taking a break and listening to music at work. Like she has good insight & valuable things to say, it’s just…

Befuddling to her her say these things

Because it feels like she’s not following her own advice of giving people the benefit of the doubt, and placing utmost value on communication, healing, and forgiveness— when it comes to me in particular. And that does make me sad, or make me think like I’m still missing a piece of the puzzle. Maybe I am holding that piece, or she’s holding it against me.

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

Things could be worse

Like she never pressed charges against me

She never filed a restraining order or anything like that.

I never broke any laws or hurt her physically, nor did I ever have any intention to in the past or through today or into the future.

We were never engaged or anything like that… though I had originally intended to look to purchase at least a promise ring for her at the end of the summer of 2012 before we both went off to college in different states. I did make her a custom locket necklace shaped like the golden snitch from harry potter, since that was her favorite fandom in the world. She ended things with me around August 5th of that year, so those plans to buy her a ring never made it to fruition.

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

Lately I've been seeing stars.

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

Podcast episode 33, timestamp 35:20:

“it makes me think that… we can change our minds about people. That people can be many different things to us”

“So there may be someone in my life right now that I really can’t stand, but they may become someone really important to me later on, so I shouldn’t write people off”

I wonder if she actually even believes these ethereally frilly words she said, or if somehow I’m the one exception to all of this surface-deep bullshit paradigms of forgiveness and grace she weaves each podcast episode.

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

Experience: Learning the right way to connect the dots.

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

THE STATIONS OF AWAKENING SERIES IS NOMINATED FOR AN A MILLION DREAMS AWARD AND VOTING IS OPEN AND HERE IS AN UNMARKED TERRA STATION TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION.

YOU CAN VOTE FOR ME IF YOU WANT BUT CHECK OUT ALL THE OTHERS TOO PLEASE!

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

Ah so it’s possible she has preemptively “restricted” my user account from interacting with her on Instagram as my DM from a few weeks ago is still showing only as “sent” & not “seen”.

Though she also hasn’t posted any new Instagram posts for a few months now so it’s also a possibility that she just hasn’t logged in, but I find it unlikely for her to just ignore a notification & message like that for so long without doing something: i.e. restricting or blocking me. I guess I’m glad she hasn’t blocked me still yet, but it’s basically the same result of no communication either way.

My conclusion is this isn’t something I can fix on my own. This should have been my conclusion 13 years ago but it seems only now am I finally learning my lesson.

I need to meet with the pastor and get her thoughts. Is it truly even productive to attempt to reconnect, given the circumstances? Does she still hold a grudge or worse, is afraid of me, because of my past?

The ball is in her court to reply, but if she’s restricted my Instagram account and not showing up to church now for the past 3 weeks,

it seems that is her reply, loud and clear.

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

Men like to believe theyd be great in apocalypse scenarios but they dont even know how to sew

[nickthemudkiptrainer]

Does she still… blame herself?

Surely she doesn’t think of me as a complete failure anymore.