nnoiise

[nnoiise]

“Yeah, I felt really upset, you know? Because when I put candy in my pocket it melted, and that’s, like… eugh, what? Like a warm human? I’m dead, you know? Weird.“

“Oh, that makes sense. I mean, yeah, of course your body is human. I mean, maybe not when you’re fronting, but different headmates, you know… it’s still human, haha.”

“I mean, I guess it’s human sometimes, when I’m not shapeshifting, at least.”

“Mmm… [long pause] Yeah, the body is a human, so… Makes sense.”

This is two interactions between me and my human singlet best friend. I feel sick, like I’m going to pass out. I can’t stop shaking. She lied to me, that she knew I was nonhuman. I thought she understood, she said she understood, I explained it to her in plain terms, we are biologically nonhuman, she said that she understood. She thinks I’m making a metaphor. She thinks I’m talking about spiritual beliefs. I TOLD her “when a nonhuman is fronting, we are biologically their species. It’s sometimes human shaped on the outside, but it’s not actually human. Even alterhumans are sometimes like ‘your body is human though,’ NO IT’S NOT, it literally is not, I don’t know why you can’t see the nonhuman features.” That is the exact text message, and she had a huge pause for like an hour, and then responded with “Yeah, I understand, I kinda figured it worked like that.” I’m so heartbroken and hurt and I’m physically ill, I feel like I’m withdrawaling off medication or something. My paws are tingling. I couldn’t figure out why this wave of sickness washed over me in the moment, because I just stopped processing the conversation, but I was walking home, and I just… she doesn’t believe me. She thinks I’m making it up. I really, really thought she was one of the good ones. I’ve been really struggling with my fear and rage towards the human race, and people, and I don’t know if I can mentally gymnastics my way out of hating her. I’m going to try and talk to her about it, maybe I’ll have Axel do it, so I don’t get too upset. I really thought she was a kind, understanding human. I thought she saw me, really saw me, even if she couldn’t see my transformations with her eyes. I’m fucking devastated. I might cancel my date with my nekofriend today, I don’t know if I can do this. I’m so emotionally crushed.

[nnoiise]

uhhh i need to birthe more fairies here's a semi accurate depiction of my fear of mirrors

[nnoiise]

New cane! From Goodwill! It’s got a handsome green pattern on it, and it’s super adjustable so I can wear whatever shoes I want, or walk digitigrade. We got a bunch of them yesterday, I’m so glad I remembered and bought one. It’s not brand new, because there’s cigarette residue all over it, but the rubber tip is barely used, and there’s not much shock at all when I walk with it. I’m very happy about this.

[nnoiise]

I feel like an unsocialized animal in public

[nnoiise]

No literally why did he say this

[nnoiise]

adding highlights to my drawings while not knowing or ignoring where the light source is

[nnoiise]

Currently actively losing my fucking mind. I am going clinical. Losing my goddamn marbles. I can never remember anything. My experiences and memories are this fucking hellish carnival corn maze. The calm has passed and now I’m switching and flipping and fading. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I want to be, I don’t know why I did things. OSDD1a is ruining my fucking undeath. I don’t even know what “who Rindo is” means. I’m not anything, I’m just fucking flailing and warping and nothing is ever concrete or stable. This keeps happening, over and over and over and over. I have a comfortable few facets. I round myself out. Everything fades, and I can’t control my perception of myself, and I can’t hold on to any of my facets. And then I’m no one in particular, this depersonalized blob, and then I fade into a facet or two, and then I have a strong personality again for a few weeks. And then it fucking keeps looping, over and over, and I’m bashing my fucking head against the floor, who am I, what am I, what are my goals, how do I present myself. And I never remember anything in between my facets, it’s just this blank space with a few hazy shapes, so there’s not even anything for me to hold onto even if I could control my perception of myself. I’m not one being, I’m not multiple beings, I’m not a hivemind, I’m not even a being at all most of the fucking time. I don’t know how to make it stop. Just let me be someone, let me be still. I just want it to stop.

[nnoiise]

i just wanted to come on here and say that, when i say that i want my whole body to be physically a nonhuman animal, i mean it. I mean that i want my whole body to be that of a nonhuman animal.

[nnoiise]

Am I old or is the userbase really young now?

You're telling me you don't remember mid 2010s bi/pan/acecourse? The hell that was all of that? (I had the misfortune of identifying as bi, pan and ace at various points in that period)

You don't remember late 2010s transmedicalism ? Being called a trender even if you were binary trans because you don't believe you need dysphoria or need to be binary to be trans? The pushback against that transmedicalism (which was affectionately called trendercore)?

The late 2010s and early 2020s rise of the self-described baeddel movement? The noticeable shift from generic mainstream feminism in queer spaces to specifically radical feminist talking points?

You're telling me some people here don't know? And if they were too young at the time, they haven't been told yet by someone else what went down and what came of it?

Like, this was only 10 years ago at most and barely 6-7 years ago at least.

Maybe I'm just old (mid 20s) but when you've lived through all the other waves of queerphobia and see the pattern, transandrophobia on this site just reuses all the same talking points.

[nnoiise]

We have very stereotypical DID so this might be too much headmate separation compared to your situation, but this is what my OSDD1a subsystem experiences along with the DID stuff.

“Why did I do that?” “Why did I say that?”

Conflicting inner monologue. “I love this sweatshirt. That sweatshirt is so ugly, what are you/am I talking about.”

Being able to have a full on conversation with yourself.

Suddenly liking or disliking a special food or drink. “Why do I hate this, I love mint chocolate.” “I really want cream soda, so bad… I hate cream soda? Wtf”

Sudden changes in vocal range or tone in a way that is unlike you. This is generally uncontrollable and sudden, then reverts back to your own voice. If it’s a full front of the alter, you are incredibly and or completely disconnected from what you’re saying.

Strong urge to change clothes or severe discomfort about your style of dress. Liking clothes you normally would never wear.

“This item isn’t mine.” or “This belongs to someone else.” without prompting or context.

Phantom limbs that are uncomfortable or very “not yours.” Phantom limbs that give you dysphoria.

Body dysmorphia or not recognizing your reflection fully.

Making an expression that you are unaware of, or you/others noticing your body language does not match what you’re saying. Alternatively, movements that feel like they are being made by someone else, or movements you would never do.

Amnesia during shifts. This is generally not a full black out. It is more like a disconnection from all your memories of an event, as if they’re done by someone else. Or, an emotional disconnect, like feeling completely different about something as you did before. This could also be a grey out, which is when you only remember concepts and nothing specific.

False memories that contradict each other. “I need to blow out that candle before I leave… But I never lit a candle?” This is more of a headspace leaking into IRL thing, but it can apply to shifts too.

Flashes of someone else when you look in the mirror or a camera. Different eye color and shape, different nose and mouth, different hair color, etc.

How the fuck does one tell if a shift is yours or a (potential) alters???

[nnoiise]

Alrighty folks and critters, its time for the in depth post. Everything here is purely educational, please keep in mind that this was written based off of a canine's experience and this post may not apply to everyone.

So, I've been having heat cycles for a while now, I'm not sure when they started. From what I've noticed it does not follow my mensural cycle, I'm not sure if theres any factor that triggers them or if they happen randomly.

Signs and symptoms of a heat cycle include:

Increased anxiety and aggression

Resource guarding, very territorial

Anxiety on leaving the den and my pups

Increased libido

Anti-social behavior

Increased appetite

Nesting behaviors, rearranging and cleaning out the den

Cramping in crotch and lower abdominal regions

A heat cycle generally lasts about nine or so days with only 3-4 days being the "apex" of the cycle. Apex referring to the times where the cycle is at its peak. The other days are the buildup and end of the cycle. Its pretty hard to tell if the cycle has started until the apex is reached.

I've noticed an increase in appetite and cravings for meat during my cycle.

Theres of course, standard instincts to nurse my pups, to have pups and everything pup related. Heat cycles can be rough especially once I've come to terms that the pups don't exist. During a cycle my mind convinces itself that I am expecting pups and that I need to prepare for them.

I already sleep in my den year round, but it only really becomes a nest during the cycles.

Cycles are most common during mid to late winter through early spring.

My tips/advice to prepare for a cycle are:

Have blankets and pillows nearby for nesting materials

Keep heavily scented items away from the den (perfumes, scented candles, cleaning supplies)

Stay hydrated, its very easy to forget to eat and drink during this time. Keep a water bottle nearby if you have to

Make sure your den is in an isolated area that wont be interfered with (the more people/strangers coming near your den, the worse the anxiety gets and can lead to an unpleasant cycle)

Scent your den, this helps to maintain a calm environment

Use a blanket or something to cover your den so you feel protected

Its not a bad idea to nest near a bathroom if possible, this helps to minimize time spent outside of the den

Keep a stash of food nearby, sealed bars/protein bars are always good

If possible, take time off of other responsibilities to focus on your den. This one is probably the hardest one to do so don't worry if its not possible

Don't stay in the den for the entirety of it, leave the den to eat and get fresh air whenever possible

Dens can retain heat pretty well so keep a fan nearby to stay cool

Having a mate or a partner helps, I don't have one so I don't have much experience with this tip

Thats pretty much it, feel free to ask questions if theres something you're not sure about. Also remember that this doesn't apply to everyone and is just my personal experience with dealing with these cycles

[nnoiise]

Fernando Pessoa, from The Book of Disquiet

Text ID: By thinking so much, I became echo and abyss. By delving within, I made myself into many.

[nnoiise]

there’s this extremely kind soul of a woman on instagram that makes accessible recipes that don’t require standing, chopping, or a stove and she might just have a permanent place in my heart

[nnoiise]

It’s good to be myself again. I’ve been stuck in this OSDD1a subsystem limbo for weeks, didn’t realize how miserable I was until I finally was stable at front. I had a moment there where I was stable as Neku, but the switch rotation never ends, so I couldn’t really enjoy it. Just depersonalized for days and days, so much that the other headmate’s of the larger DID system had trouble getting to me. I tend to get swept up in the soul splitting, but it wasn’t that this time, it was a psychological phenomenon. It was mostly the pressures of life making me feel like a failure, and as a defense mechanism I subconsciously pushed away all my headmates, and my medians couldn’t relax because the stress was subsystem wide. It’s like hooks in my soul shards, this complete and utter feeling of failure, failure, you’re a failure, and it affects all versions of my sense of self. Pain in my fucking ass, really, but honestly not that different from the pain of being in any one of my shards dimensions or parallel lives. I’m just glad to be back, I guess. It’s nice to be vibrating at a stable frequency for a while.