#tw depersonalization

[traumatizeddfox]

TW: the small text is very paranoia based, pease dont read if you struggle with that

[cupcakeslushie]

i love that you said each of the bois have unspoken themes to them, that makes characters so much more deeper and interesting.

if you wouldn’t mind can you say what unspoken themes Leo, Mikey, and Raph have?

some are more obvious than others, and while i have a decent idea of what they are, i want to hear them coming from you ✨

adore your work btw, your storytelling and style enraptures me

This might be a big post just so I have everyone all in one place im going to reiterate what I said for Donnie

@aduckmurder

Donnie: Identity/Depersonalization

When Donnie's first introduced Draxum doesn't even consider him a person, and hadn't even given him a name. And then, later Donnie's got too many names to choose from. That alone would cause someone to have an identity crisis. Personality wise, he enjoys making tech, but aside from that, Donnie is never sure of which emotions he should be feeling, or what his likes and dislikes are. A lot of the time he's mirroring how his brothers are emoting, or he's just smiling to cover up the fact that he doesn't know or trust his own feelings. Future Donnie will have a horrible time with depersonalization after merging with the Technodrome and the Kraang, which will cycle around to impact present timeline Donnie during the movie.

Mikey: Worth

While Donnie was treated like nothing, Mikey was treated like an object/accessory by Big Mama. When she threw him into the Nexus, Mikey imagined it was something he did or didn't do well enough to meet her high standards. After he's reunited with Splinter and Raph, Mikey finds the little roles that neither of them have filled very well, such as cooking, and cleaning, and makes sure he excels at them almost obsessively out of this fear that if he's not useful, then he will be discarded. Future Mikey works tirelessly as the only brother with his mystic powers still intact, to the point that his body is so overworked by the time of the movie, he looks like he's moments from shattering apart, only held together through his own force of will.

Leo: Doubt

Leo has lived his life being ordered around and having his memories and personality altered. Even once he is free, his emotions are almost as erratic without Kitsune's influence, than they were while he was under her control (at least until his own cleansing ritual). His instinctual gut reaction to use most violent tactic first, clearly makes his family uneasy. So when Raph tries to get Leo to act as co-leader, Leo is very hesitant. He doesn't think he should be trusted with such a responsibility, but learns he can trust if he goes too far, his brothers will stop him. Future Leo has a really hard time with raising Casey. After Raph's gone, Leo doesn't trust any of the decisions he's now having to make solo, and he certainly doesn't think he can be a guiding force for good for a young child. Casey needs a teacher who will shape him into a strong warrior. Leo learns as Casey grows, that being the boy's Sensei is not the same as being his Master.

Raph: Regret/Guilt

Raph blames himself for almost every horrible thing his brothers and father have gone through. He's recounted the night that Leo and Mikey were taken, and gone over it a thousand times in his head, trying to work out how it could've gone differently. All the amazing things he's done by bringing his family together--being the stable bedrock that they can grow into a true family under--none of that feels like it'll ever make up for the times in the past where he failed to protect them. Raph takes on the job of shield because he wants to make sure nothing else ever hurts his brothers again, and doesn't care if hurts him instead. Future Raph is constantly putting his brothers' lives before his own. Unfortunately, doing it one too many times results in a devastating loss for the Resistance, when their Leader sacrifices himself, and the chain of command practically falls apart for months before it can recover.

[asoftepiloguemylove]

Hii hope you are well! I love your web weaves and I realise this might be difficult but I was hoping if you could do one on the topic of how people put on masks to interact with society, but soon their masks become them and they have trouble figuring out how much of the mask is 'them' and how much of it is fake( the mask). Sort of an identity crisis?

Thank you so much!!

thank you so much <33 i hope you're doing well too !!

Marya Hornbacher Waiting: A Nonbeliever's Higher Power / Solaris (1972) dir. Andrei Tarkovsky / Miranda July It Chooses You / Black Swan (2010) dir. Darren Aronofsky / Rainer Maria Rilke Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems to God

[brucewaynehater101]

Overwhelming Emotions HC: Tim, Jason, Dick, and Damian

TW: dissociation, panic attacks, unhealthy coping mechanisms

Tauma, upbringing, culture, parenting, and experiences will have varying effects on how one processes and expresses emotion. Not all coping methods will be healthy or deemed socially appropriate. Here's my hc on how their circumstances affected how they deal with overwhelming trauma.

Tim is used to locking down his emotions. When it gets to be too much, he literally shuts down. He'll stare at walls for hours as time passes, be unable to move, and experience difficulty with speaking

Jason has panic attacks. He isolates himself, breaks things, and mentally spirals for hours if not days

Dick will fly off the handle with rage, clutch his hair as he rocks back and forth, and cry hysterically

Damian will flip between intense anger and dissociation. He will either lash out, or he will slip into depersonalization not being fully aware of his own body

[dyinginafield]

[clownrecess]

(TW FOR DISSOCIATION, DEREALIZATION, DEPERSONALIZATION, DEREALITY, AND VENTING)

.

More people need to understand that dissociation isn't just "spacing out".

We are a DID system, and we are very heavily disabled by our dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization. Half the time I am so incredibly disconnected from reality that I can barely move. It isn't just "spacing out", and it isnt cute. Its scary and its destroying my life.

[itsnotjustgibberish]

Wake up chat, Gibberish writing dropped!

Soul and Whole centric fic :] written with platonic intent for clarity

Warnings: General angst, unreality/depersonalization, mostly unhappy ending. Let me know if there’s anything else I should add; I’m not too experienced posting and tagging writing

^Can be read here, or below,

[…]

They always met at the beginning of the loops.

Soul knew the ‘Whole’ he met within the rainstorms wasn’t really Harmonia, or even fully real. Still, he would always take the time to sing their duets. It would always repeat the promise to revive Him. His hope would be renewed from the spring showers; hydrated so that it could hold on long enough to eventually blossom when the song regained its harmonies.

Whole was just a human being.

Soul had to remind himself of that. Over and over he reminded itself that Harmonia was not a god, not his god. He hated Soul’s reverence.

Except when he saw Him this time, it was difficult not to humble himself.

The voice of the silhouette always sounded familiar, even if He was rather blurry, but this meeting wasn’t during the beginning. Heart and Mind had already harmonized, and begun to work together. If anything, they might have already formed a Soulless-Harmonia.

So how could he come face-to-face with his Whole, now?

He had to be real. This wasn’t the beginning, he couldn’t be just a promise. He was a person, He was here. He was here with Soul. He was finally, truly meeting The Whole.

What the fuck.

The mechanisms behind his eyes began to spin out hundreds of different worries. Had it respected Him correctly? Would He be proud of The Soul’s work to reform? Would He be proud of Atlas himself..?

Soul felt his hands reach out to The Whole unthinkingly, but he did not fight it.

“{Whole?}” Despite the tone, it was no longer a question. His hands were solid against Soul’s. The touch was real. His body was real. Whole was real.

“Hello, Mr. Eclipse.”

“{How…}” He tore one hand away to cover his mouth as tears escaped his eyes. Whole squeezed the hand He still held for a moment, briefly attempting to offer comfort, before pulling His Soul into a hug instead.

“I don’t know.”

Soul leaned into the embrace, face pressing against His shoulder. The curls of His hair were an uncomfortable tickle as they brushed against him, but he could not care; it wasn’t an artificial feeling. Atlas clung on to His back, and the soft cloth of His shirt folded between his fingers. The pressure of His arms around it was like a weighted blanket keeping him free from harm. Whole did not have the same metallic coldness of Mind, nor the feverish scorching of Heart; He was a human being with a natural warmth, He was a real person. Whole was real.

Whole was real as He held the sobbing man, who’s hands shook as he clung on to Him tighter. Atlas’ nails would have drawn blood if the other’s clothes had been any thinner. Still, Whole refused to move away. Even as tears drenched His shirt, surely leaving some kind of stain, He stayed still as a comforting constant.

Suddenly yet hesitantly, Soul pulled his head away; his eyes were wide and terrified, as if he was worried the other might disappear when he let go. “{It took so fucking long for you to finally show up here. You haven’t always been able to, right?}” Soul sniffled. “{You haven’t– please tell me you haven’t left us forsaken intentionally–}” The words wobbled before splitting apart into another wave of sobs.

Atlas brought its eyes back up from the floor, tears blinked away. The terrifying thought of what His answer could be was replaced with a guilt worse than a thousand sliced nerves when its gaze met Whole’s; clouded with sadness.

“Do you think I would?” His voice lowered.

Soul felt all words leave him. He had upset Whole. They had only just met and he had already fucked up and hurt Him. What was wrong with him? What kind of vessel was he?

Whole silently hugged him again. Atlas let his arms fall to his sides; it didn’t deserve His comfort now. Of course He wouldn’t have meant to leave. He couldn’t have wanted to leave. Because what would that say about Soul? About all of them; that they were part of something so quick to push their own self away?

But He was here with him now as he cried until his head hurt. Whole eventually gave him an awkward pat on the head; which was met with Soul giggling through his sobs, wiping at his cheeks. He glanced up at the other to see him mirror the movement. Soul hadn’t noticed when Whole began crying, but there was something oddly comforting about seeing the tears on His face as well.

Whole backed away, eyes finally breaking from Soul’s to take in the room. Awe grew in The Whole’s face as He wandered around, with Atlas following right behind like a lost duckling. The impossible space of Soul’s bedroom was really the only structure in the psyche that hadn’t formed based around his house.

Harmonia looked back at Soul, and it seemed to set in that this was the place he had already spent hundreds of thousands of days in. Soul found the wonder charming, but the one wondering was not aware of that, and so he shifted his attention to avoid boring him.

“It’s rather dark in here, don’t you think?” He turned to the window, making his way over slow enough for The Eclipse to easily catch up if needed. Atlas watched a mix of sun and moon highlight His quintet-colored nails as Whole pressed the glass panes open, observing the clouds outside. “Perhaps we should cloudgaze? It’s certainly been a while.”

All the times he had spent laying beside ‘Whole’ to watch the rain clouds pass felt emptier now. It hurt, but maybe that was okay; he had the real Whole now, didn’t he? But the thought of watching the clouds together was terrifying. They would be tempting fate; disrespecting this current Parousia to return to a fake one. Soul reasoned with himself that the tears making another attempt at escape were just a remaining irritation of his eyes. It certainly could not be fear overtaking him again.

“Hey, Dawnlight,” Atlas nearly jumped as Harmonia’s hand suddenly appeared on his shoulder. “I’m sure it’s okay.”

“{What… What if somehow–}”

“It will be okay.”

“{But you appeared so quickly, what if you leave just as suddenly? How can I know you won’t get lost in the rain? How can I trust you not to abandon me again?}” He took a deep breath, and avoided His eyes for fear of having to see that pain-filled expression once more. “{I’m sorry, I don’t mean to blame you– you can’t be the one to blame for this– but I have never been this fucking terrified before.}”

“It may be partly cloudy, but the rains cannot reach us today.” He motioned outside, “Look at the clouds. They’re paler than a certain Akaryocyte, aren’t they?”

Soul couldn’t help but smile at the– probably unintentional– jab at Heart, and carefully crept up beside him. “{The clouds have no rain.}”

“The clouds have no rain.” He echoed.

“{You can’t get lost.}”

Whole patted his shoulder, again, rather awkwardly. “I’m here, aren’t I?"

“{You’re real, and you are here.}”

Soul guided the other through the patch where the roof turned to smog. After a short hike, the duo settled in a low altitude meadow of cloud; lying against the soft ground.

Whole hummed a tune that Soul quickly recognized; a zeroth track the trio had already sung. He grinned, looking up at all the variations in the puffs enclosing them from above.

“Isn’t it so very fascinating to see how the clouds will form differently from such simple changes in the environment?”

“{Yes.}”

“Do you have a favorite cloud?”

“{I’ve always found interstellar ones really lovely.}”

He raised an eyebrow. “Those aren’t the ones I meant, silly.”

“{You should’ve specified water molecules. I bet you’d hate to find out my favorite color is technically a value.}” He laughed, and paused. “{…Your favorite color is still pink, right?}”

“Yup.”

“{Do you dislike how we connect you to gold, then?}”

“Nah. I think it’s fun to see the symbolism you three have made. Besides, Atlas, don’t you think I would get sick of it if everything around me was constantly pink?”

Soul laughed again, and sat up. “{Fair enough.}”

He grabbed a clump of the cloud beneath him, and carefully began to shape it. Whole rolled onto His stomach, watching His third before looking back at the sky. Giggling to himself, Soul set the flower he had created atop His head, catching His eye before focusing on creating another. A few more flowers joined the first, as well as a sun and moon, before either of them broke the comfortable silence again.

“{What are you gonna say to Heart and Mind when you meet them?}” He asked.

Harmonia looked at him thoughtfully before eventually giving up on an answer with a shrug. He carefully sat up as to not let the clouds fall from his hair, and moved to sit beside Soul. It leaned against The Whole, and closed his eyes. His shoulder was solid and comfortable beneath his head, and so were the clouds holding them up.

“Soul?”

“{Hm?}”

“I’m not real.”

“{I…}” The vessel opened his eyes, trying to steady its breathing before looking at the void beside him.

“You know that, don’t you?”

“{…The lie was comforting.}”

“I know.”

Soul could barely see into His eyes anymore.

“You have to join them, Atlas.” The name once held so much tranquility, but now it felt like a toxin ripping apart each and every molecule of his being. The sweetness of it left a bitter aftertaste now; it was a horrid reminder that Soul could never be its own person to truly meet Whole. If the trio intertwined and formed Whole physically, Soul would no longer exist to see Him. If the trio became Whole by harmonizing and working together as individuals, the Harmonia he wanted so desperately to meet would never exist.

Soul would never meet Whole.

“{I can’t lose you.}”

”You won’t—“ Whole was cut off as the other yelled.

”{I know that! I know the three of us will form you again. I know you and I are intertwined; the real Whole was what we repaired along the way, or whatever cliché shit, but I can’t lose the presence here now. I can’t lose you!}”

Whether the wetness on his face was caused by tears or rain, Soul wasn’t sure, but it didn’t matter. It was already too late. It clutched its arms around himself, and sobbed harder when the only response was a cold zephyr carrying the smell of storms. He tried to dig his hands into the ground beneath him, desperately searching for something solid or something real, but the clouds only dissipated with the extra pressure. Soul brought its knees to his chest, and let his head fall forward as he cradled them.

Eventually he ran a sleeve across his face in a half-hearted attempt to clean it. Taking a heavy breath, Atlas looked back down at the empty space beside him, and forced his legs to stand and walk. The Eclipse spoke to the void one final time.

“{Stratocumulus.}” Was the only word to break the silence before he started the path back home to his other halves.

Soul would never meet Whole, but Harmonia was still waiting for him.

[aldermoth]

[tf2incorrectquotes]

Team Fortress 2 Headcanon #31:

The Spy suffers from depersonalisation.

[ragingstillness]

One day I will write the Aleksander Wins AU I truly desire where he finally succeeds in some way getting freedom/respect/safety for all Grisha and the minute he gets it he just breaks down. Full psychotic break, massive depression, weeks of dissociation, non-verbal, unresponsive, constantly crying, everything he’s been holding back and enduring hits him all at once and It wrecks him. Trapped in flashbacks, unable to care for himself, touch adverse, catatonic, immobilized by chronic pain, unable to recognize people, needing to be restrained to prevent him from harming himself despite that causing him to have panic attacks, his personhood absolutely crumbling. And it’s terrifying and heartbreaking to those who love him and also horribly, horribly understandable. 

[aesthetic-otd]

Today's aesthetic is weirdcore

[treasure-goblin]

I exist

[purplepillzz]

[asoftepiloguemylove]

"I can't even guess myself what it must be to live the life of a human being." - Osamu Dazai

Sue Zhao / 唐狄鑫 Tang Dixin Confinement (2014) / Anne Carson excerpt from Autobiography of Red / Natalie Wee excerpt from Our Bodies & Other Fine Machines / Anna Kavan Ice / 070 Shake Vinyl Album Cover You Can't Kill Me (2022) / Henrik Uldalen Vacuum / D.M. Aderibigbe excerpt from Letter from My Father, Odysseus / Fernando Pessoa excerpt from English Song; "A Little Larger Than the Entire Universe: Selected Poems"

i. Sue Zhao

[ "...do not know if I will ever forget. I do not know if I want to. I am every age I have ever been. All time ever does is pass and all I ever do is remember. There are days I do not recognize myself in old pictures. There are times I feel like my life stopped at 18." ]

ii. Tang Dixin, Confinement

[ Drawing of a faceless figure staring straight ahead. One had reaches down from above to cover where it's eyes would be. Another hand reaches across from the right side to cover where it's mouth would be. ]

iii. Anne Carson, Autobiography of Red

[ "It happens to me frequently. / You disappear? Yes and then come back. Moments of death I call them." ]

iv. Natalie Wee, Our Bodies & Other Fine Machines

[ "Like any / unloved thing, I don't know if I'm real / when I'm not being touched." ]

v. Anna Kavan, Ice

[ "i felt i belonged to another dimension, and became silent." ]

vi. 070 Shake, You Can't Kill Me

[ Surrealist image of a woman looking to the left away from the camera. Her face blends together so no features are distinguishable. ]

vii. Henrik Uldalen, Vacuum

[ Surrealist painting of a woman holding her knees to her chest. Her face and back blend together behind her. ]

viii. D.M. Aderibigbe, Letter From My Father, Odysseus

[ "years / I spent on the edge / of disappearance;" ]

ix. Fernando Pessoa, English Song

[ "I am nothing but nausea, nothing but reverie, nothing but longing." ]

[saltydoesstuff]

Y'all ever just not feel real?

Like you're there, but not there. You feel things, but you aren't. It all feels the same, which is nothing- or it's too fuzzy to tell any difference? You see yourself, but it's not you. You don't recognize yourself in the mirror, you don't know who that is, but it isn't you. You don't know what you look like, but it isn't what is in the mirror.

I want to do things, but I can't. And I don't know why.

I don't like these days.

[gonersthings]

You know it has gotten worse when you can’t even hide it anymore by putting on a brave face, and relatives and people around you start asking questions and saying that you should open up and talk. Being seen means accepting that I’ve lost control and that I’m at my worst. It means acknowledging that I’m losing for real this time.

I just want to disappear.