noplsnoplsno

[noplsnoplsno]

Most recent painting

[noplsnoplsno]

Nothing like pissing myself off first thing in the morning because I can’t even put on makeup without hating myself

[noplsnoplsno]

Bonk bonk it’s close

You know those "if this gets 50k notes I'll xyz"? I don't believe in those. Because I could say something crazy like: if this gets 20k notes, I'll write my next book. And then it'll get zero notes. I do not believe.

[noplsnoplsno]

Why I believe that I may be an autistic adult woman that was mis/undiganosed

Hi so just a brain dump here, and I am hoping that this is recieved well. If not oh well, it in the internet.

Things that I had as a child with vivid memories:

Ive went through almost my whole life not understanding how people make and maintain friends. Especially multiple friends.

I spent hours, days, weeks, studying social interactions as a child. I would watch movies of women that I wanted to be like (primarily the princess diaries) and would try to copy and learn everything I could to be more likeable. I checked out books on how to have practice social things. I would sit in front of the mirror and practice my face and tone of voice.

I would spend a lot of time creating worlds in my head, living in wonderlands of tiny people that lived in stick homes that I built them outside, delivering food. Creating governmental type systems for them. I would believe that I would be better off if I lived in these worlds.

Deep desires for unusual hobbies of orgainzing over and over again. My poor mom's bookcase has been orgainzed so many times by color, catagory, alphabetized by title, size. Her bookshelf is still organized to this day the way that I left it.

I believed that Pokemon were real at the age of 9 and fully planned to move to Japan to become a pokemon trainer when I turned ten. The day my mother told me they weren't real I didnt believe her and then afterwards had a 7 hour breakdown consistening of crying while continually trying to prove that they were real.

I was always uncomfortable on outings. I wanted to stay home all of the time. I would become distressed at sudden changes to routine, and would beg my mother while crying to just stay home.

In school I would engage in what I suspect is stimming behavior that was self injurous. I would pull my hair out, suck my lips until they bled and painful, I would eat my hair, and bite my nails until they bled. I would chew on my lips until they were raw and swollen. I also chewed my clothing until almost second grade.

I had a strong ability to read beyond my grade level, but I have been diagnosed with dyscalculia.

I was fearful of everything, once I was older. I remember becoming hyperfocused on a zombie survival book and begging my parents to become doomsday preppers and let me practice baracading their windows.

Sensory issues with clothing, those seams in socks, holy fuck, felt like their were stabbing my toes.

Afrid, I ate maybe a variety of 12 different foods and drinks and that lasted until I turned 14. I was terrified of new foods, their smell, their texture. But specifically the smell would be enought to make my stomach hurt.

Abnormal walking. I would walk on my toes, and remember my mom training me for almost two weeks outside to walk flatfooted, and to swing my arms instead of keeping them like sticks at my sides.

My mom took me to the doctor for my "little quirks" as she called them mutliple times, for the doctors to tell her that I was fine and just a little weird. Even despite her worries I stayed unsupported. I had to go to an alternative high-school just to graduate because I was not able to understand everything being spoken during lectures. I was unable to follow along as well as my peers despite being ,"Gifted."

As an adult:

I still have to monitor my voice, face, body language and how people react to me. I find social interaction absolutely exhausting and refuse to do it for more than two social outings in a row, and the following weekends I will be avoiding everyone and everything. I hate wearing clothes at home and will strip as soon as I walk in the door to change into a snuggie. Ive spent thousands of dollars on crafting supplies that I become obsessed with and then no longer use. I can pick up creative skills in an unnaturally fast way just by watching a single youtube video. I have issues with fast burn out in jobs and I cry a lot after work. I study psychology for fun, reading studies on pubmed and learning facts about the brain, especially abnormally psychology. I have been told my voice is "robotic" and that I come off as "sacrastic" by important people in my life such as my bosses at jobs, teachers, and clients. I have issues understanding verbal instructions and prefer to have them wrote down. I flunked out of college when I started to have to take classes in person rather than online because I could not understand what the important parts of the lectures were and the unimportant. I socially camoflauge but I still prefer to be a bystander in social situations. I have never dated casually, and always prefer to be in fully transparent longterm relationships because I struggle to keep up an appearance of a fully functional person for very long before people I want to be close to start assuming that something might be off. I have a routine I follow, and if I deviate from it my emotional state makes a downward spiral. I am able to go to work, day in day out, but I have a terrible temper after work. I developed a smoking habit to soothe myself that I am now in the process of breaking. I still have eating distrider issues regarding eating enough, or a healthy balance of food. I become obsessed with certain foods and dips. I generally feel that I am out of control rather quickly and deal with it by doing a ton of cleaning routines or making big decisions to feel more in control. When I hit meltdown level I close off, cry a lot, I become angry when people try and talk to me. I prefer to not hear anything in these states and prefer heavy pressure like my fiance laying on top of me or to just hold me tightly and pet my hair. I listen to calming music and sing really loudly and probably way too loud rock music for someone with hearing loss. I struggle in interviews, I hate eye contact and will stare passed someone or at a wall instead of looking at others when I have decided that I no longer want to try and blend in. I struggle the most in groups, and usually choose to not speak and only laugh when appropriate.

I still prefer things are probably young for my age. I am 26 and I prefer sanrio, all pink, stickers, squishamellows. I collect rocks and obsess over certain aesthetics for hours. People in my life still believe I am gifted but I dont feel that way. I still feel like ive never been on the same wavelength as other people, I hate that people look for some weird fucking hidden meaning behind my words and look at my tone and face instead of just applying the meanings of words to my words.

I have all of maybe 2 friends that I have maintained, and I still go months sometimes without speaking to them.

I only started considering this as a possibility once my son was born and was diagnosed with autism. I started realizing how much of the things he struggles with are things I also struggled with, but in different ways. I doubt it is even worth getting diagnosed at this age because like, for what ya know?

[noplsnoplsno]

Who needs therapy when you can just 🍃 it all away

[noplsnoplsno]

[noplsnoplsno]

[noplsnoplsno]

DM me for more information~ ❤️❤️

Worked on this all night long 🍃

[noplsnoplsno]

🍃🍃🍃❤️ for sale

Please help me make my house payment lmao. 🥹 DM me for deets.

[noplsnoplsno]

What if it was me that I actually loved instead of the idea of who I had to be for their satisfaction?

What if I could love myself for the small flaws instead of seeing them as world ending missiles? Would it make up for the times that my parents made me know that I was nothing to them?

What if these flowers on my skin began to bloom, became a cacoon for the grief that I feel when I mourn a version of myself that can never exist?

What if from the contents of that cacoon the ideal child erupted? Surrounded by the filth and dirt of afterbirth?

Would the visible surface flaw be enough to deter you?

I don't think it's too hard for someone to pick up the water and gently wipe away the years of gestate it took for her to become this stained.

But yet she depends on herself, slowly teaching herself to walk to the nearest puddle of rusted rain water where she begins to scrub herself.

[noplsnoplsno]

Just attempted to make myself vomit up a pizza I ate. Was unsuccessful. Still feel like shit and genuinely don’t want to eat again for three days. Why not.

[noplsnoplsno]

The one fucked up thing about being a recovered anorexix is the want to relapse and the need to validate that I am enough through starving myself. I don’t even know if you can call these periods relapses I just know that at least three times a year my brain convinces me to starve myself.

[noplsnoplsno]

It's my 2 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[noplsnoplsno]

Does anyone else ever feel really hopeless about being on mental health medication for the rest of their life?

I was on Zoloft for almost two years, and suddenly I started experiencing the black box warning of it. They switched my antidepressants and put me back on antipsychotics.

Coming out of a depressive episode that fast really has me feeling like I’m never going to be able to be normal. I take seven pills a day just to be able to function. I feel like most people would be asleep or something with what I take.

Can anyone else here relate? I am 26 years old and I feel like I am never going to achieve emotional and mental stability. I just want to be normal happy and normal sad.

[noplsnoplsno]

Coming Home

Finding you felt like coming home and now we both have to deal with the trauma that the journey left us. How do we communicate when our words were so twisted by others? How do we keep ourselves connected when we were shoved away into non-existence.

I don't know how we did it, all I can say is we survived, but damn I wish we both didn't wake up crying. Emotional rollercoasters taking us on a ride, living life even though thoughts of dying cloud our mind.

Codependent to a fault, talking life memories like they are still involved, seeking comfort in the rise from our falls. Never have I ever believed that I was able to feel as safe as you make me. What I once thought to be untruth is now spelled out in front of me clearly by you.

Never felt like getting better, never felt like tryin', then you came home and now I feel like I'm flying.

Yeah we are flying to a different life, one without pain, flying to a different life, but first we have to train. Train to trust, and train to love, in our home, Unteach ourselves the things we learned before we came home. Drop the preconceived notion that every word spoken is a bomb. Don't believe your tongue is a weapon of war. Don't worry that your breathing is too loud and will cause some unforeseen accusation of hate and discontentment.

Train to breathe and not to scream in our home.

Home is where your heart is but that isn't what we learned. Home is a place where you go to hide from the screams and curse. Home is where you lie, home is where you cry. You hide from the threats of a vague circumstance created in some delusional mind that you are forced to understand for survival. A child forsaken that smiles because this is the only normal they have ever known.

Now the opportunity has arisen for us to live better than we were supplied, maybe now we wont have to stifle our cries at night. We get to choose and we are the truth, yeah we will show them what we can really do in spite of their poison they laid with concrete in our brains.

We spent our whole life at war, now pry the weapons from our half necrotic hands. This shit is hard, it isnt for the weak, but let me tell you we will eventually both speak.

Speak to the pain and scream to the sky telling him you are happy he is dead. Cry to the heavens and don't believe in love. Love, just know that when you have told him the truth, Ill be here to help you fight the scars that remain. We will fight, even if it takes the rest of my life

[noplsnoplsno]

You twisted my words, shoved false intentions into my reality. Clouding my mind with deceit and false promises only to be fulfilled by accusations of letting myself down.

I built my own expectations, shouldn't I know better than to trust your words by now? Why do I feel so bad for how I feel when you are the one who hurt me? How do I still wonder if my reality is actually fitting what my perception sees?

You promised me safety and offered pain in the form of a pillow made of thorns, you offered me warmth in the heat of a cold hot flame that burned my hand with the stinging cold of ice, you offered understanding only to be met with my confusion when open communication about my experiences were retorted with blaming me instead of comforting me.

Your intentions became clearer, louder, slowly defeaning the future I once believed in. Clouding it into another dimension separate from my own, somewhere I couldn't remember that it existed.

It's me, I asked for too much, basic human kindness, understanding, love, patience, happiness, peace.

I have that now, and now I see the things I wish that I could have grown from sooner

[noplsnoplsno]

An orange moon as I left a home and went back to a house.

A house made of eggshell floors.

A house made out of false transparency.

I want to be home.

I want to walk in stability and smiles.

I need to have openness in my home.

My map took me the wrong way.

Now all I can do is hold on for another hour.

I hope the clock isn't broken like me.