olddirtybadfic

[olddirtybadfic]

Nesta Archeron, braving the House of Wind staircase, circa 2004 H.E.

[olddirtybadfic]

loving a character so much will unlock such vulnerable and cringe parts of you that you try to suppress so bad but you can't like it's so humbling

[olddirtybadfic]

i need to add pinky and dark pinky to this

my brain trolls me

me: I think this male character is intriguing and want to see how he and his companions would react in a variety of situations, so I'm going to write a fanfic and

my dumbass brain:

KNOCK HIM UP

KNOCK HIM UP

[olddirtybadfic]

[olddirtybadfic]

The Exorcism of Joey Wheeler: Joey Becomes a Firebender With the Help of Satan (part two of three)

Would you believe that teen!me wrote this during a fluffbunny phase?

Part one is here.

This fic contains: Questionable understanding of demon possession and religion; teen!me trying to write a parody of The Exorcist without having watched The Exorcist and while forgetting to be funny; blood (and teen!me forgetting that it contains salt and iron); attempt at writing Joey’s accent phonetically; Yami is corporeal and a separate person for some reason; gore; Joey kicks a cat; JOEY EATS A LIVE MOUSE; those poor mice; body horror; ellipses abuse; teen!me actually quotes the bible

-O-o-O-o-O-

“OH MY GOD!”

Joey’s eyes flew open when he heard Serenity shout. He and his mom ran downstairs to the kitchen. It was 3:00 AM.

The sight they saw was enough to make them want to vomit.

The mouse was on the glue trap, stuck. It was obviously dead and there were two holes on its neck. Blood was dripping out of the holes. The mouse’s eyes had been dug out and its brain oozed out its eye sockets.

Their cat, James, thought, “Oh, crap. I’d better hide from that freaky blond boy.” Then he ran to hide.

“I guess you were wrong about James not liking mice, Mom,” Serenity commented.

“I guess I was. Why were you out of bed, anyway?” Mrs. Wheeler asked.

“I heard something and I wanted to see what it was,” Serenity answered.

Then they all went back to bed.

-O-o-O-

Joey tossed and turned in bed.

He was having terrifying dreams about selling his soul to the Devil, becoming a demon and the dead mouse.

That morning, Serenity was sitting at the table, reading a book about ghosts and haunted houses.

Joey walked into the room. He looked dead. His hair was messier than usual, his normally cream-colored complexion was deathly white, and he had dark circles under his eyes. He sat down and put his head down on the table.

“What happened to you?” Serenity asked.

“I’m so tired,” Joey said. “I was dreamin’ about evil spirits and dead mice.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have woken you and Mom up.”

“Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t have.” Joey sounded slightly pissed when he said this.

“O-kay, are you mad at me, or something?” Serenity asked.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean ta snap like dat,” Joey apologized.

“It’s okay. It’s probably just because you’re tired,” Serenity answered. She noticed Joey was staring into space, blankly. “You could just go back to bed. It is summer vacation.”

“I can’t. I hafta meet da gang,” Joey said.

“Okay.”

Later that day, they were all at the park.

Marik was being an a-hole, like he always is.

“Down with the Pharaoh and his dog!” Marik yelled. Then he proceeded to chant, “Who let the dog out?! Who let the dog out?!”

Joey was starting to look PO’d. Marik knew how much he hated being called a dog.

“Don’t get mad. Please, don’t get mad,” Tea said.

“Hey, dog! Why don’t you duel me if you’re not a punk-ass bitch?” Marik yelled.

“I accept your challenge!” Joey yelled.

They dueled. Joey lost because Marik used his Egyptian God Card.

“Dat wasn’t fair!” Joey yelled. “I wanna rematch!”

“Yeah! You weren’t supposed to use your Egyptian God Card, Marik!” Yami said.

“Shut up, Pharaoh! He lost because he’s a stupid, retarded loser of a dog!” Marik yelled at Joey.

The others were standing behind Marik. They saw Joey’s face darken.

Joey grabbed Marik by the collar of his shirt with one hand. A fireball appeared in the other hand.

And his eyes glowed red.

Marik was so scared, he nearly peed his pants.

“You have insulted me for da last time. Now you must die,” Joey said.

Yami dumped sand on the fireball and Tristan smacked Joey, knocking him over. Marik ran off.

When Joey looked up, Tristan could see that his eyes no longer glowed red.

“Are you back with us?” Tristan asked.

Joey nodded.

As Tristan helped him up, he said, “Sorry I had to hit you like that.”

“What’d I do dis time?” Joey asked.

“Your eyes glowed red and you were about to chuck a fireball at Marik,” Tristan said.

“We have to figure out what’s going on,” Yugi said. “Which means we have to go back in that house.”

“When’re we gonna do it?” Joey asked.

“No way! You’re not going in that house again,” Tristan said.

“Why not?” Joey asked.

“We don’t want anything else happening to you,” Tristan answered.

“I don’t wanna go in there again!” Tea whined.

“We have to, if we want to find out what’s going on and stop it,” Yami said.

-O-o-O-

So they decided to go to the house the next day.

That afternoon, Joey walked home alone.

As he walked past the other side of the street, the garbage cans began to either ignite or explode.

Joey noticed this and started to run. The same cat from yesterday hissed at him and tried to bite and scratch him. He kicked it.

As he continued to walk home, he passed a nun. The nun took one look at Joey and crossed herself.

He got home. His mom was still setting up glue traps everywhere because they still had mice.

James, their cat, hid as soon as Joey entered the house.

Their mom cooked dinner and put a lot of salt in it. He ended up throwing it up because evil spirits don’t like salt.

That night everyone was asleep. A mouse ran across the room and got stuck in the glue trap. Joey pounced it and began to suck all of its blood.

But he took it a step further this time.

He somehow grew fangs and gnawed on the mouse’s flesh.

Then he wiped the blood from his face. His fangs turned back into normal teeth.

“Just how I like it. Unsalted,” he said, going back to his room.

-O-o-O-

The next morning, Serenity found the carcass on the glue trap.

“This is getting serious,” she said, throwing the glue trap away. “I don’t think a cat would eat a mouse and just leave its innards. I’m starting to think something demonic is behind this.”

At the game shop, Yugi, Yami, Tea, and Tristan were preparing to go to the house.

“Okay we’re ready,” Yami said.

At that moment, Joey came running to the game shop.

“Please…..you gotta let me come wit’ you,” he panted. Sweat beaded his forehead and he was wheezing and gasping.

“Oh, no! The evil spirit must be weakening him!” Yugi exclaimed.

“You’re in no condition to go in that awful house,” Tea said.

“She’s right. Let me walk you home,” Tristan said.

Tristan walked Joey home. Tristan had his arm around Joey’s shoulders.

They arrived at his house.

“Thanks,” Joey said.

“Anytime, buddy. You just rest and don’t think about demons or nothin’ evil,” Tristan said.

Joey went up to his room. He chucked his green jacket on a chair and took his sneakers off. He lay down on his bed and fell asleep after a while.

-O-o-O-

Meanwhile, the other four kids went to the house.

Tea and Yugi had to stand outside the room and watch for any threatening figures approaching. Tristan and Yami went into the room.

“He said that this was floating in midair.” Tristan was about to pick up the pentagram.

“Wait, don’t touch it. Use these to pick it up.” Yami handed him a pair of iron tongs. “I think Joey got possessed by touching it and these are made of iron, which is supposed to repel evil energy.”

Tristan used the tongs to pick up the pentagram and put it in a ziplock bag.

Yami was looking at the bookcase. He saw a book that was titled “Tome of Demons.” He took it off the bookcase and flipped through it.

“Tristan, I think something in this book might help us,” Yami said. Tristan went over to him.

“This may sound really farfetched, but I think Joey may be possessed with the worst demon of them all,” Yami said.

He had the book open to page 666. There were a few paragraphs on the page as well as a drawing of the demon.

The demon’s name was Satan.

“Oh, no. That’s the Devil himself!” Tristan exclaimed. He looked at the pentagram in the ziplock bag. “This pentagram has the numbers 999 on it. Does that have any significance?”

Yami looked at it. “I think it’s supposed to be upside-down,” he said.

Tristan turned it upside-down. “That’s not 999……that’s…….666!”

Meanwhile, Joey was trying to sleep.

“Trying” being the key word.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the dead mice and demonic powers. He had tried to think “happy thoughts,” had tried to read, and he even tried counting sheep. He got to 100 and still couldn’t sleep.

So, he turned to religion to purge the evil thoughts from his head.

His mom had given him a bible, but he had never bothered to even look at it.

“I might as well start readin’ dis now.” His hands shook as he took the book off the shelf.

Almost automatically, the book opened. The pages moved by themselves without any wind. He turned back to the first page. The pages turned by themselves back to the page.

Joey read the words on the page:

“And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads………Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.”

Something clicked in Joey’s brain. “Dat pentagram…….dat wasn’t 999…….it was 666!”

He ran to the mirror to look at his forehead. He didn’t have the mark there.

He saw the cut on his finger. It looked like it had gotten worse.

Joey’s hand shook as he looked at his palm.

Appearing to be burned into his hand were the numbers “666.”

Joey’s trembling intensified. “Oh my god……..”

Then he passed out.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Satan would not drink blood if he's allergic to salt and iron; blood is a great source of both. Also, plastic baggies make great containment chambers for Satanically-cursed items.

[olddirtybadfic]

mfw i realize that nesta archeron is fae seto kaiba

[olddirtybadfic]

[olddirtybadfic]

Imagine Yugi Muto astride Seto Kaiba, who is practically ordering him to slap him.

Imagine Yugi having a flashback to that time he nearly sent Kaiba flying off the top of Pegasus's castle in Duelist Kingdom and a monologue about being terrified that he'll go too far (even though Yami isn't in his head anymore and this isn't a high-stake card game).

Meanwhile, Kaiba is yelling at him to start the spanking already.

Another thing fandom needs to start doing more of is projecting on tops.

There are delicious amounts of psychological distress you can inflict on that guy once you get into his head. The brainworms of forcing agency and initiative on someone who genuinely is Not Fucking Ready For It are exquisite.

[olddirtybadfic]

regarding toxic narfcest mpreg

if it's dark pinky that gets pregnant

what if the fetus has some sort of supernatural power, like being able to form thoughts before it scientifically should

what if dark pinky can hear the fetus's thoughts (once the fetus's brain develops enough for that)

what if the fetus asks dark pinky to abort it

and dark pinky says, no you'll bloody well exist in this dark world and be ruled over by me

and then the baby is born, grows up, joins the rebellion, and gets with future brain

[olddirtybadfic]

character A is fully unhinged. character B is emotionally repressed. the chemistry? electric.

[olddirtybadfic]

The Exorcism of Joey Wheeler: Because there weren't enough possessed teenagers in Yu-Gi-Oh (part one of three)

Yugi and friends visit a murder house. Joey gets possessed by Satan. Somewhere in there, I start trying to ship Joey with Tristan.

This fic contains: Questionable understanding of demon possession; teen!me trying to write a parody of The Exorcist without having watched The Exorcist and while forgetting to be funny; blood; attempt at writing Joey's accent phonetically; Yami is corporeal and a separate person for some reason; Joey exsanguinates a mouse with his mouth; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-o-O-

“You guys, I don’t think we should be here,” Tea said.

The gang, which consisted of Yugi, Yami, Tea, Joey, and Tristan, was standing outside of a huge, scary-looking house. The house was mostly made out of wood. The windows were broken, there were cobwebs all over it, the yard was unkempt, and sometimes bats could be seen flying around it at night.

It was 9:00 P.M. on an evening in early summer. It had started to get dark around 8:30 and by 10:00, it would be pitch-black, except for the streetlights.

“Why? The cops won’t arrest us for trespassing,” Yugi said.

“And it’s safe to go in,” Tristan said.

“But look at it! It’s big, old, scary, and probably haunted!” Tea exclaimed. “It’s probably got ghosts, vampires, and demons!”

“Tea, none o’ dose exist. It’s perfectly safe. And if dey did exist, don’tcha think dey woulda got us already?” Joey said.

“Well, you have a point,” Tea admitted.

“And I can mind crush any evil spirits,” Yami said.

“Okay,” Tea said, reluctantly. “Are you okay with this Yugi?”

“Sure, I like scary houses,” Yugi said. “They usually have a very interesting history.”

“Am I the only one who didn’t want to go in there?” Tea asked, surprised.

“Pretty much, yeah,” Tristan responded.

The five kids entered the dark, scary house.

The doors slammed shut behind them.

-O-o-O-

“AHHHH!” Tea screamed.

“It’s okay, Tea, it’s probably just a draft,” Yami said.

“Dis is so cool!” Joey said, getting excited as they explored the house.

“Careful, we wouldn’t want you to wet yourself with excitement,” Tristan joked.

“Like dat’ll eva happen!” Joey retorted.

Suddenly they all heard someone scream.

The kids jumped, then huddled in a group.

“W-What was that?!” Tea squealed.

“I-I don’t know,” Tristan said.

“Are you scared, Yami?” Yugi said, sounding concerned.

“I-I’m the pharaoh. I can’t be scared,” Yami answered with a hint of fear in his voice.

“We’re neva gonna find out unless we keep goin’,” Joey said.

So they continued through the house, into the basement.

Why into the basement?

Who knows? Maybe they thought they’d be safe in the basement. After all, the person in the horror movies more often than not gets killed in the shower…………but, I digress.

“I don’t see anything that could’ve made a sound like that,” Yami said after they had all looked around.

Suddenly, Joey saw something in a room across the hall.

“What is dat?” he thought, entering the room.

What he saw in the room scared the lights out of him.

There was a pentagram made out of rusted metal.The weird thing about it was the fact that it was floating in midair with some kind of black shadow around it.

Joey stepped closer to see if it was really floating. It stopped floating and fell on the floor.

Joey picked it up to examine it. It was a star shape and it had been upside-down when it was floating, so he turned it right-side-up. The numbers “999" were scratched into it.

“999? What da heck does dat mean?” he said out loud.

Suddenly, the pentagram got extremely hot, as if it was burning him.

“Ow!” he exclaimed, dropping the pentagram. When he looked at his hand, there was a cut on his right middle finger. The blood dripped onto the pentagram.

“It’s a good thing I got a tetanus vaccine,” he thought.

Then he turned around and happened to look into a mirror…..

Meanwhile, in an upstairs room, the gang was exploring when they noticed he was gone.

“Hey, where’s Joey?” Yami asked.

“Oh, no! I knew this was a bad idea!” Tea said, scared.

“AHHHH!” They heard a scream.

“Oh my goodness, that sounded like Joey!” Yugi said.

They ran to the basement stairs, just in time to see Joey running up them, looking terrified. He almost tripped and fell down the stairs, but Tristan caught him.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, I got you,” Tristan said, holding Joey.

“I saw a demon!” Joey yelled. “I was lookin’ in da mirror and he was right behind me!’

“Where was this demon?” Yami asked.

Joey led them to the room. The demon was gone.

“But…..he was here!” Joey said. “And dis was floatin’ in midair!” He pointed to the pentagram.

“Maybe we should go,” Tea said.

“If that demon comes out again, I’m gonna mind crush him something fierce,” Yami said.

They all heard footsteps.

“Let’s run!” Yugi yelled.

They all ran for the door. The footsteps got closer. It was nearly pitch-black.

“They’re gainin’ on us!” Tristan yelled.

Then Yugi and Yami tripped and crashed into the other three. They all ended up on a pile on the floor.

The footsteps got closer and closer. Then suddenly two bright, round lights shone in their eyes.

“TRUCK!!” Yami shouted.

Out of the shadows came the three Kaiba brothers: Noah, Seto, and Mokuba. They had flashlights.

“Why would a truck be in a house?” Mokuba said.

“What are you doing here?” Tea asked, scared.

“Well, Mokuba thought it was haunted in here and Seto didn’t. So I came with them to check it out,” Noah explained.

“It’s not haunted,” Seto said.

“And I owe you five bucks,” Mokuba said, giving Seto a five-dollar bill.

“They made a bet.” Noah explained it further.

“So what’re you guys doing here?” Mokuba asked.

“We were just looking at the house,” Yami said. “Did one of you scream earlier?”

“That was me. I accidentally shut the door on my foot,” Seto answered.

So they left the scary house, feeling pretty dumb for being scared.

-O-o-O-

When Joey got home, Serenity (his younger sister) asked, “Where were you? You missed ‘MTV’s Fear.’”

“I was out havin’ my own ‘Fear’ experience,” Joey answered.

“You didn’t go in that scary house on 666 De Vil Street, did you?” Serenity asked.

“Well….you could say I did….”

“Joey! You know that house is evil! Haven’t you heard those stories in the newspaper about strange things going on?!”

“I don’t believe all dat. Besides, I went in wit’ Yugi and da others. Safety in numbahs, y’know?”

“According to those stories, it doesn’t matter if you go in a group or alone,” Serenity said. “I’m just worried about you.”

“S’okay, Serenity. Nothin’ bad happened ta me.”

Little did Joey know, something bad was already happening……..

-O-o-O-

Serenity walked past her brother’s room that night.

She looked inside. Joey was sleeping peacefully, looking all cute and whatnot. But there were dark shadows in his room.

Now, you may be thinking, “Well, duh, it’s night. Of course there are shadows.” But that’s not the kind of shadows I mean.

I meant the evil kind of shadows.

“Hold up,” she thought. “The people in those news articles didn’t have any proof that the house was evil. Maybe Joey’s right. There are no demons in there.”

-O-o-O-

The next day, the kids were hanging out at the park, talking.

Then Marik (the pharaoh’s mortal enemy) came along and started screaming, “ Down with the Pharaoh!”

Basically, he was just being his own, demented self.

“Oh, shut up!” Yami yelled at him.

“Dat Marik! I just wanna……just wanna…..” Joey was fuming.

A fireball appeared in his hand. “What the hell’s that?!” Yugi shouted, jumping up.

“Huh?” Joey looked at his hand. “HOLY FRICKIN’ CRAP!”

Tristan jumped and Tea screamed.

Yami ran to the sandbox, got a handful of sand, ran back to the other kids, and dumped the sand on Joey’s hand.

Joey just stared at his hand as the flame died.

“Whoa…..You gotta teach me how to do that,” Yugi commented.

“I don’t know how dat happened! I got really pissed at Marik and it just appeared!” Joey said.

“Maybe it wasn’t really fire. Maybe it just looked like fire,” Yami said. Then he began to give a long, complicated, scientific explanation, while the others just stared at him.

“Dat was no fake fire. I could feel it burnin’ my hand!” Joey objected.

“Okay….This isn’t normal,” Tea said.

“Maybe that house is evil,” Tristan said.

“Serenity said da same thing last night. And I’m beginnin’ ta think she’s right,” Joey said.

-O-o-O-

Joey walked home that afternoon.

“Dis is gettin’ freaky. Where did I get dese powahs from?” he thought.

As he walked down the street, garbage cans on the other side of the street fell over as he walked. Then they caught fire. A fire truck came and put the fires out.

A cat leapt in front of Joey and hissed at him. He just walked past it.

“Man! What’s goin’ on wit’ me today?” he thought.

He went into his house. His mom was putting glue traps everywhere.

“Mom, what’re you doin’?” Joey asked.

“We have mice, so I’m putting glue traps out,” Mrs. Wheeler answered.

“Couldn’t our cat just eat them?” Serenity asked.

“He doesn’t like mice,” Mrs. Wheeler answered.

That night Serenity noticed that the dark shadows lingering in Joey’s room got darker and, quite possibly, more evil.

In the dead of night, when everyone was asleep, a mouse ran across the floor and got stuck in the glue trap.

As the mouse tried to free itself, a thin, blond figure pounced on it, bit it on the neck, and sucked all its blood.

Joey wiped the blood from his face and left the mouse lying on the glue trap, bleeding and dead.

“Dat was a nice midnight snack,” he whispered, his eyes glowing evilly.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If you're going to go in the murder house and play with rusted metal, get your tetanus vaccine first.

[olddirtybadfic]

Blond Antagonism: BURN IT. SURROUND IT WITH BOOKCASES, START THE GRILLED CHEESE, AND WALK AWAY. (part three of four)

Make sure to delete the fire alarm and sprinklers first.

Part One Part Two

Content Warning: Violence; Rape aftermath; character assassination of Loki Beaker; human experimentation mention; molestation; rape threats; blood; Sims 2 game mechanics written into the story; this version of Loki Beaker needs to go directly to the dungeon

-O-o-O-o-O-

Pascal sat on the couch in the brothers’ front room, tapping his foot angrily. He couldn’t remember when he’d been so furious. Loki had done many annoying, stupid things, but invading their privacy really took the cake (something Pascal, in his darker moments, sometimes wished Loki would do to a cowplant). It was bad enough Loki looked at Vidcund in the shower; Vidcund was extremely shy and didn’t even like undressing in front of family members or pets. But for Loki to look at Pascal naked, the same guy he had been harassing for years? That was too much.

Sometimes, Loki made Pascal so mad, he’d want to throttle Loki.

“Vidcund’s been gone an awfully long time,” Pascal thought. “Loki’d better not be thinking of holding him hostage and keeping him as a test subject.”

Pascal knew all about Nervous’s situation. Nervous hadn’t told him; he’d just happened to see Loki experimenting on Nervous when he looked through the telescope one night. Nervous always tried to hide it and he never mentioned it, but Pascal never let on that he knew. Nervous might not have wanted him to know and Pascal didn’t want to scare him off by telling him he knew about it. Pascal was still thinking of a plan to get Nervous out without provoking the wrath of either Beaker.

Pascal was getting worried.

“What could he be doing over there?” Pascal thought.

Suddenly, the door opened and in walked Vidcund, soaking wet.

“Vidcund! What were you doing over there so long? I thought Loki’d locked you up or something,” Pascal said, getting up from the couch and going over to Vidcund.

Pascal stopped short when he saw Vidcund’s face. Vidcund’s black eyeliner and mascara had run down his face and smudged all over his eyes. His black lipstick was fading off and his clothes were disheveled.

And he had tears in his eyes.

“Vidcund, what’s wrong?” Pascal asked. Vidcund sniffled, tried to say something, but broke down into quiet tears.

“What happened? Come on, tell me what’s wrong.” Pascal put a hand on Vidcund’s shoulder.

“Loki….” Vidcund half-sobbed.

Pascal’s face darkened. He put both hands on Vidcund’s shoulders. “What did he do to you?” he asked in a low, calm voice.

“He raped me.” Vidcund began to cry again, the quiet sobs racking his small body.

“Come here.” Pascal put his arms around Vidcund, who continued to cry onto Pascal’s shoulder. “It’s all right now. He can’t hurt you here. Everything’ll be all right,” Pascal whispered to him, stroking his hair.

“That bastard,” Pascal thought. “He’s gonna pay dearly for what he did to Vidcund.”

-O-o-O-

Loki sat on the couch, staring at nothing in particular in the front hall.

It was nearly 5:00 AM, but this didn’t bother Loki. He’d been so wired from his intercourse with Vidcund that he couldn’t sleep even if he popped a couple of those sedatives Circe was testing on Nervous. It didn’t matter anyway, because today was Saturday which was Loki’s day off.

Saturday. Wouldn’t Circe be meeting Vidcund at the planetarium today? She’d certainly be in for a shock when he showed up—if he showed up.

Loki was so involved in thinking and staring into space that he barely noticed Nervous quietly entering to read a book.

Loki stared over at Nervous. Nervous sat on the smaller couch on the other side of the room, his denim-clad legs pressed firmly together. He read with his head completely down, causing his long black hair to fall over his face. He futilely pushed the hairs away, only to have them fall over his face a few seconds later.

“If I did the same thing to him that I did to Vidcund, it’d destroy him,” Loki thought. Or maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe it was worth testing….

Loki was jolted from his thoughts by the sound of a loud banging on the front door. He wasn’t going to get up at first, but then he heard a loud, “Loki! Open this door right now!”

Loki looked out the front window and sure enough, Pascal was standing in front of his door.

Nervous had been startled by the loud noise and had dropped his book. He was now frantically searching for the page he’d been reading on.

“Loki! Open this door or I’m going to break it down!” Pascal hollered.

Loki went into the foyer and opened the door, making sure he was behind it so Pascal didn’t just slam him the minute he walked in.

Unfortunately for Loki, he couldn’t hide behind the door long as Pascal knew he was behind it. Pascal stomped around to the other side of the door and Loki was face to face with a much-less-than-happy Pascal.

Loki took the few seconds before Pascal totally lost it to check him out. Pascal hadn’t changed much since high school, other than his features got better with age; the almond-shaped blue eyes become more striking, the curve of his round face became more graceful, his mouth shape was complemented by his black lipstick, his cute little cat nose stayed the same. He still even wore his black hair the same way he did in high school: slightly tousled, with a clump hanging over one eye, almost seductively.

“Loki, you’re lucky I don’t break you in half after what you did to Vidcund,” Pascal growled through his teeth (oh, those perfect, white teeth, thought Loki).

“Pascal, are you having one of your little hallucinations, like the time you actually thought you had a chance with Circe? I didn’t do anything to Vidcund,” Loki expertly lied.

Pascal wasn’t buying it. “Don’t you dare even pretend it didn’t happen, Loki. Vidcund was a wreck last night.” Pascal was almost nose-to-nose with Loki.

Loki only rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic. It’s not like I penetrated him or anything.”

Pascal ground his teeth. “Rape is rape, Loki.”

Loki stepped back. So that was how it was going to be.

“How did you know about what I did to Vidcund last night?” he snapped. He spun around in the direction of the couch Nervous sat on. “You told, didn’t you?”

Nervous sat stock still, too frightened to answer.

“Answer me!” Loki marched over to the couch and grabbed Nervous by the collar of his t-shirt.

“I-I didn’t say anything! All I did was send an email to Pascal telling him I wanted to talk to him!” Nervous cried.

“That’s as good as telling him!” Loki shrieked. “You know what’s going to happen now, don’t you?” He dropped the volume of his voice.

“No….” Nervous whispered.

“Oh, hell, yes!” Loki ran his hands over Nervous’s firm, slightly round butt, then moved his hands to Nervous’s crotch. He gave it a squeeze. Nervous gave a short scream of surprise.

Pascal, who had just entered, saw Loki grab Nervous. “Let go of him! He has nothing to do with this!”

“Oh, yes, he does; he saw me raping Vidcund!” Loki grabbed Nervous again, harder, his nails scraping against Nervous’s jeans. “I am going to break your bony dick off in my ass.” Nervous didn’t scream, but uselessly tried to break away from Loki, tears forming in his big brown eyes.

Pascal tried to pull Loki off of Nervous, but ended up getting smacked by Loki, who then kicked him to the floor. Loki threw Nervous on the couch as if he were a rag doll. “Nervous is much weaker than Vidcund,” Loki thought. “He seems like he’s barely even putting up a fight.”

Wrong.

Nervous, in a shocking display of violence, punched Loki square in the nose. While Loki was reeling from the pain, Nervous managed to break away. He ran over to Pascal, who still seemed to be a little dazed after being knocked on the floor.

“Pascal, we need to—”

“Nervous, you need to run away. Go to my house; you’ll be safe there,” Pascal interrupted, getting up.

“But what about Loki?”

“I can handle him. Don’t worry.” Pascal smiled reassuringly at Nervous.

Nervous looked deep into Pascal’s eyes, then ran out of the house.

Loki was on the couch, nursing his nosebleed.

“Serves you right, messing with Nervous and Vidcund like that.” Pascal’s voice sent chills down Loki’s spine.

“You know, Pascal, when I saw you standing outside a while ago, I really thought you’d be the one causing bloodshed,” Loki commented.

“So did I.” Pascal’s voice remained icy.

Loki turned around to look at Pascal. There was a small bruise on his cheek and he as breathing heavily.

Loki took the tissue out of his nose. Blood gushed out like a faucet. Out of the corner of his eye, Loki noticed that Pascal had turned almost completely white.

“What’s your problem,” Loki started to ask, but was cut off by the sound of Pascal hitting the floor. He was out cold.

Loki almost laughed at the irony. Pascal, this so-called tough guy, couldn’t stand the sight of blood. Loki figured he couldn’t just leave Pascal lying there, so he dragged him onto the couch.

Loki gazed down at the unconscious Pascal. When he wasn’t glaring, scowling, or shouting at Loki, Pascal was really very pretty. And his intelligence was pretty impressive, although not as impressive as Vidcund’s. He was slim, Loki had noticed when he put him on the couch, but he was much taller than Vidcund and had more meat on his bones than Vidcund and Nervous, especially on his butt and thighs. He wondered about the meat between those thighs.

If I didn’t totally hate him, I’d be attracted to him, Loki thought.

Then Pascal’s eyelids fluttered and he began to wake up.

Loki barely noticed that he was standing right over Pascal until Pascal intoned, “What the hell?”

“Um….” Loki noticed that his hand was mere inches from Pascal’s crotch.

Pascal sat up quickly and slid all the way to the other end of the couch. “What were you doing standing over me like that?”

“Uh….watching you?” Loki said, hoping Pascal didn’t sense his thoughts.

Pascal jumped off the couch and backed toward the door. “I have a doctor’s appointment today. If they examine me and find out that you did anything freaky to me, there’ll be hell to pay.”

“They wouldn’t be able to detect what I’d do to you,” Loki said, flaring his buttocks at Pascal.

Pascal’s face still hadn’t regained its normal color. Loki slunk up to him. “Need any help getting back to your crappy house?” he taunted, reaching for Pascal’s arm.

Pascal pulled back, turning even more pale than he had been. “No.” He glared at Loki, then left.

Loki watched Pascal leave. If only he didn’t wear those baggy, grungy clothes, Loki thought. They hid his sexy figure.

-O-o-O-

Lazlo could tell that Pascal’s mood wasn’t any better from the sound of the front door slamming. A few seconds later, Pascal stomped into the living room.

“How’d it go?” Lazlo asked.

“That sleaze,” Pascal said to no one in particular. “Sometimes he makes me so mad, I just wanna….MRRRRAAHHH!” Pascal clenched his hands up, as if to strangle an imaginary person.

“I guess it went bad,” Lazlo answered himself.

“I absolutely cannot stand Loki. I don’t know what the hell Circe sees in him and I don’t even want to know. I just wish he’d stay the hell out of our lives,” Pascal said quietly, yet angrily.

“Wow, you must be really mad. You didn’t even correct my grammar,” Lazlo said.

“By the way, it went ‘badly,’ Lazlo,” Pascal said breathlessly.

Lazlo noticed Pascal’s heavy breathing. “Are you okay? Maybe you should chill with all this stuff about Loki. You sound really worn out.”

“I’m perfectly fine,” Pascal panted. He realized that he probably should cool it. Lately, he noticed his blood pressure had risen significantly, probably due to him spending so much energy hating Loki. The pregnancy had only worsened Pascal’s blood pressure as well. And he couldn’t be having such violent thoughts around Shaquanderone.

By the time Pascal had to go to his doctor’s appointment, he’d almost completely calmed down enough to not be thinking violent thoughts.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Don't rape people. Certainly don't perv on their brother and your test subject after doing so (or before, or ever).

[olddirtybadfic]

most cursed ship

bubsy x cool cat

[olddirtybadfic]

does rivalshipping count?

have we matured enough to admit bully x victim is awesome

[olddirtybadfic]

ao3 withdrawal

help

i never thought it'd happen to me

[olddirtybadfic]

So if a vampire only bites animals, is it bestiality?

If a vampire only bites (and drinks from) plasma fruit (or some other blood substitute), is that like that one video with the grapefruit?

What about if a vampire bites another vampire? Is this like non-reproductive sex?

What if a vampire bites herself (just to see what it's like)? Is this masturbation?

Also, if someone gets their vampirism cured (if that's even possible), is that like becoming a born-again virgin?

Conversation that Tumblr is not ready for:

A Vampire's fangs are also it's reproductive organs

[olddirtybadfic]

you don’t have to write something good. you just have to write something unhinged enough to edit later