panic-on-panic-on-panic

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

Ahh and so the panic about flying down to see my mom in two days begins…

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

Okay so I’m flying out to see my mom on Monday (Anxiety) and I’m bringing my tablet and drawing equipment as always. I want to be an artist when I grow up (I’m 28) but obviously I have AvPD so I can’t post any of my art online for fear of judgement. I can’t even finish most of it. If it isn’t perfect from the start then I get upset and anxious and it’s Bad. But my brother is going to graduate with his Bachelor’s in Fine Arts in two months (I have associate’s in fine arts and biotechnology 😒) and I feel like I need something to show given that my tablet is more expensive and powerful than his stupid iPad with Procreate (Photoshop has no layer limit 😒😒😒). I work on commission for a guy that wrote a book (It’s my dad) (I did the cover, interior page design, website, AND the entire publication process) (Fuck IngramSpark) but my mom still treats me as if I know nothing and can’t draw and all I am is a disabled failure.

It’s like she forgot that she scored me a $150 commission with General Electric that took me under an hour to finish while I was still in high school and like I didn’t make $300+ per semester when I was in uni just to afford the gender neutral housing that she refused to pay for because she was still a transphobic bitch that didn’t understand that I had to do that while very actively bipolar without medication

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

Okay I am a little bothered.

I play this multiplayer online game, Puzzle Pirates, which is like, basically a bunch of people combining their puzzling skills to do things like Make Ship Go Fast. I’ve been playing on and off since I was like, twelve, so it’s a familiar online Thing for me.

I want to be an artist and take commissions and blah blah blah but AvPD is a BITCH and I’m generally afraid to even leave a one-word comment on a single post on ANY social media site, so my therapist has suggested that I play more YPP in order to expose myself to people who AREN’T my dad (I live with him and talk to almost no one else) and gain confidence in my ability to communicate online.

This is all well and good but I told my mom and brother that my therapist said I should play more YPP and my brother was like “Wow, I wish I had your therapist! She’s telling you to play more video games!”

Like you don’t fucking get it. You literally do not fucking get it. A lot of this is not fun for me. I make one wrong social move and have to spend DAYS on my alternate character because I don’t want anyone to mention my fuckup to my face. I have an anxiety attack every time someone sends me a Tell. Today was Big because someone recognized me and it wasn’t because I suck and I didn’t have a panic attack about it. I posted a single thing in trade chat not that long ago and my therapist said she was proud of me for going outside my comfort zone, even more so because I responded and sold a thing for a reasonable price.

So this is not just “playing video games”. Sometimes it activates my stress induced nausea. Sometimes I have to take a gabapentin before I’m able to play. Sending a one-word message, not even a Tell, is agonizing. Underperforming even once sends me into a tizzy.

And you wish this on yourself??? You wanna have to take zofran and gabapentin before logging on? I bet you fucking don’t.

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

*entering any conversation* hello I am the most nervous animal on earth please socialize with me I have nothing to say

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

I gotta explain to my boyfriend that when he says stuff like “Let’s play Palworld tomorrow night!” it means that I can’t do things like play Puzzle Pirates for long periods of time, and my therapist is really encouraging me to play YPP because it’s basically the only way that I have to:

1. Communicate with strangers and

2. Work on my fear of talking to people online

Both of which directly impact my agonizing fear of posting the art that I do online WHICH AFFECTS MY ABILITY TO GET LITERALLY ANY OF THE JOBS I DREAM OF

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

Really a silly piece of progress but I ran out of my lamictal and now I’m on my emergency rations, but I called up CVS with no problem this morning to figure out why it hasn’t appeared at the pharmacy, then called up the people who mail my other meds to me and got the whole thing sorted out without having a single panic attack the entire time. And now my lamictal is going to be mailed to me too! :D

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

some of you guys seem so close on here. i feel like i’m in a corner at a party or something

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

CUTE BOY IS TRANS I REPEAT MOM’S CUTE COWORKER WHOSE NUMBER SHE GAVE ME IS TRANS

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

Hell fucking YES, trade chat SENT. Now for the real awkward part, possibly inviting people to my shitty lil shack for my shitty lil maps…

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

Starting to get comfy in global/trade chat and like not to go on about this again but PROGRESS

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

I faced a fear and replied to someone’s trade chat on YPP! I made 7k PoE off a map I was never going to use anyway and it was very quick and very painless 😁

Maybe next I’ll put up a trade chat of my own so I can get rid of the *checks watch* 10 maps that I’m never going to use…

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

I’m making friends (?!?!???) on YPP I think??? All I know is that there’s like… Five of us that do monster frays between like 3 and 6 in the morning and I know that’s way too late but I found a couple of people that I’m not afraid to exist around and that really means something when you’re terrified to even say hi to a cashier that you’ll never see again

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

My dad’s girlfriend is over and she’s the kind of person who doesn’t understand how my anxiety works. A lot of the time with social anxiety, very social people will make themselves “bigger” and the anxious person loosens up when they realize there isn’t anything to worry about since the social person is “big” and nobody is picking on them (Or whatever they’re worried about). With ME, making yourself bigger just scares me even more and I keep shrinking back, causing the social person to keep turning it up a notch. The gf is one of those people, and as an added factor, she gossips about people behind their backs. I HATE IT when people do that because being picked on is another one of my big fears. I know she generally means well, but oh my goooodddddd does she scare me

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

Crying and crying and crying I am talking to Cute Boy pleeeeease wish me luck

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

BY THE WAY I DID IT AND HIS NAME IS MICHAEL

How tf do you apply for Jersey Mike’s when your name is Mike??

Super excited for Subs & TV tonight because I’m finally going to ask the nice (And very cute!) cashier at Jersey Mike’s what his name is

Progress

[panic-on-panic-on-panic]

Wait. I’m a disabled disappointment of a 28 year old and my mom is STILL trying to set me up with her cute coworker???