patco55

[patco55]

“I am a very foolish fond old man, Fourscore and upward, not an hour more nor less. And to deal plainly I fear I am not in my perfect mind.”

literature posters; king lear by william shakespeare

[patco55]

@booksociety’s All By Myself Event: The Book Thief

She leaned down and looked at his lifeless face and Leisel kissed her best friend, Rudy Steiner, soft and true on his lips. He tasted dusty and sweet. He tasted like regret in the shadows of trees and in the glow of the anarchist’s suit collection. She kissed him long and soft, and when she pulled herself away, she touched his mouth with her fingers…She did not say goodbye.

[patco55]

High-Functioning Depression 1

Yesterday

Yest, I had a depression episode, you could say…. as depression is a constant state   of despair.

Yesterday the accumulation of stress and detonating events throgh the past weeks made me crumble friday 06/06/2020. This is the expllanaiton on how it works for me:

I work at a very demanding job as a project leader (sales) at an important packaging company on Guadalajara,, Mex. (Greetings from Mexico) so stress is part of my daily life and I´m a common overachiever so I know how to handle stress quite well. So, as for the clients I manage, June is a very charged month.

Two weeks ago, a friend of the office started flirting with me and I really appreciated the attention, because I considered him a good person and a man that could be a good stable relationship in the long run or simply a good guy I could date. So I gave in to the flirt.

Finaly a week ago, it was a mate´s birthday and various fellows from the office were invited, myself included and him. 

Long story short, I got a little drunk (which I never do because I´m an athlete and because I tend to do bad desicions as was this time) and we slept together.

Couple of days later I found out he has a girlfriend and I feel destroyed, used (I shouldn´t but well.... it is what it is) and worthless. That nigh felt so good to me and I thought of starting dating and then .....like a bomb exploding.....My love world fades into darkness once again.

I even wrote him after to go on a date which he didn´t refuse but didn´t accepted either. I see him less at work but when we see each other we interact casually and I begin to get confused.

And this Fruday after a very heavy week of work stress and in general a week where I felt down of energy, couldn´t train as eager as I do and completly destroyed my nutrition plan.......I asked him for a place to eat nerby and he offers to eat together. I accept with hope.

We arrived to the location, meal on the table I begin the smalltalk about the weekend that turned to the issue at stake.

He, once again completely destroyed me. He explains how he has a girlfriend and how he´s happy with her. 

He apologises a hundread times, he explains how he´s the one to blame and I explain how I don´t feel bad beacuse I´m single and I particularly don´t ming people seeing me kissing someone. But at the same time I felt used and how bad it is not being able to tell anybody out of fear of being judged. He explains how is his fault and how horrible he feels for being “that guy”.

And then everything comes down to me at once when he friendzoned me. I explain that it´s ok to be wrong and do mistakes.We´re all human but I tell him that ultimately I don´t know if I can (or want) to be his friend. How I feel worst because I wouldn´t want anyone to do to me the thing he did to his girlfriend. But inside I´m dead. 

How is that once again something that could be amazing and fun ended up in something so wrong and sad? How is it that another men managed to treat me this way and I let him. I would have loved to have all the information at hand and refuse him. How is that I can be the game for even the goodest men. I hate you hormones (they played a very important role on my desicion making process that night).

I feel now like an old rug which is receiver of male fluids and tossed to the trash. I guess some girls are just designed to be fucked and tossed. 

He tells me how strong and wonderful I am but by that moement I can only think to myself: “Yeah, I´m great and everything. Then how come I´m always the second  table plate?” 

He tells me how I´m a sparkle and how I shine. How happy I make people feel. If he only knew that I´m that way because I´ve walked through the darkest and saddest roads of the human mind, if he knew how bad it can get on our heart´s black holes. If he knew I am that way so I avoid people around me feel the same.

After that, leaving the place and saying goodbye with an everlasting but very sad hug, I start to cry uncontrolably and driving like a mad person. I fake a smile for the people at work but when I get home I start crying and eating uncontrollably. Listening to music to calm down. But I couldn´t calm down for hours and I cut off all communication. Is what I do so people can´t see my darkest side. I didn´t call nor answered any message. I pray to god just so I could die. 

My mom enters the room worried and just strokes my hair, she knows there´s nothing she can do and leaves offering her support the best she can, desperate and impotent I cry myself to sleep. I didn´t train (which is a big deal for me as a competitive athlete) didn´t eat (another serious red flag) and in overall didn´t have the strenght to do a thing. 

So I fell asleep and try to brace myself. Then, an old lover calls me and I proceed to meet him and ...well have sex with him. It does made me feel better, calmer and the endorphines help.

Today 06/07/20

I changed my nutritionist, so I go to the new appointment and he gives me confidence for my objectives as an athlete and it gives me the confidence I needed. 

Immideatly I proceed to train intensely and destroy myself physically so I don´t do it emotionally and mentally. While I train people gazes me like a crazy woman but I don´t care. I love to feel powerful and capable again.

Some friends messaged me and offered me their support and I feel blessed that I can count on them and to know I´m not alone and now I know that I can call them whenever I´m feeling like yesterday without the fear of them loosing their shit over my state. (OMG AMAZING!!!!)

But by far the best thing was when a couple of girls stared at me in absolute delight and admiration. I have longed for that all my life and I am so greatful for this new opprtunity to inpire, everyone and specially little girls.

 I thank life for this sign that saved my life; beacuse for me thhere´s no more important issue right now than the girls of tomorrow to be confident of themselves and it´s important to me that they know that they shouldn´t be afraid to be powerful and strong, to be whatever they want to be!

Yesterday may made me want to kill myself but today made me want to reborn from the ashes and continue to work for what I want and deserve.

I would love to know anyone with stories like this, to hear your thoughts so if anyone needs help or just want to talk. You can count on me! <3