pheosaysthings

[pheosaysthings]

Content warning: Long Vent. Talks about feeling inadequate to be talked to like a person

Having one of those days where I can not help but think I am not really a person much. I do not mind it at all most of the time, usually I enjoy it. But sometimes the realisation that I am probably just a filler friend to a vast majority of the people I know stings.

I am often told I was thought of much later into planning things. On the very rare times I get asked to hang out by anyone but 1 spacific person. No one ever messages me outside of work or classes. People who say they are a great friend of mine will spend all day texting people but then spend several days before replying to me. I hear them opt to reply to others fast or watch them do it. Sometimes they tell me they are comfortable leaving me there for awhile cause they know I am patient or just assume it's fine because they have known me for so long so I can wait. Which I will. Do not get me wrong. I do not expect people to reply to me right away by any means. It just feels insulting to call someone a great friend and then just never reply. When I try to talk and be social.

There has been so many occasions where I will invite people out. Then while at my party or a thing I organized, will all go off to a corner, spacifically away from me, to talk about stuff. Like verbally telling me that I am not allowed to listen or I wouldn't be interested or I am too something to speak to about the topic. So I sit there alone for several minutes just waiting for someone to come and sit with me. I am just some baby to them that they can not actually talk to about things people talk to their friends about. I get there are things people want private. But it hits different when it's only from one very spacific person in a group you are actively with and who was just actively sitting in on the conversation and attempting to engage in it, who invited you out. Then litterly everyone else agrees to hide it from said person and talk in a corner in view of said person while making them very aware that you are excluding them purposefully.

There are alot of times where I'll be out with people and no one really ever tries to speak with me. When they do it's frequently when everyone else is paired off in a conversation already. Some people are good at talking to me. But they are often ones who do not end up hanging out with me. Then when I try to join the larger conversations I just spoke past or go unheard. I have been getting better at being louder and forcing myself in but it feels like I am being rude and am saying the wrong things.

Me breaking down lead to people talking to me more. Which feels so manipulative. They are also all now saying "Wow I have never heard you talk this much". Like if course I am talking more. You are actually letting me speak now. You got spooked by me not being as sturdy as I present myself to be, that you took time to actually engage with me and are supprised to find that I talk- acting like I changed when nothing changed but me being given the chance to be listened and talked to. Then also blame me for no one talking to me "oh your depression just makes it so you see no one lives you. It's your depressions fault you do not talk". Screw off. I have been talking and trying so hard this whole time. You just never listen.

I find often the people who do listen to me are others who are nurodivergent in a simmilar way to me. Most of those conversations end up as just us trading stories or mumbling about a fandom. I like that. I wish I could talk to people about other normal things too though. The things they always walk away from me before talking about.

I try to message some people one on one and they will talk briefly. Maybe a bit longer if it's about a fandom. Then the topic ends there. They never message me. I'll try to message again and say I am always open to talk. Then it is quiet. I do not feel welcomed to try more then a few times. Maybe I just suck to talk to. No one feels like I have anything interesting to say to want to reach out. Am I too harsh or unwelcoming? Do people think I want to be left alone dispite my constant reassurance I am free to talk and always online? That I will make way to hang out if someone wants to? Am I missing some social subtext with telling people to talk to me. I even outwardly beg sometimes telling them I am free. I also directly ask to talk sometimes. Not just saying Hi. I mix it up.

Is having friends just forcing people to be near you? Cause it feels like the only time I really get to socialize is when I strong arm someone into hanging out or talking with me besides like 1 spacific person. That or they are forced to because I am the only other person where they are in the work place or class. Then the second other people come along they vanish.

Online friendships haven't been much better. Short replies when I ask them stuff or try to talk. I very rarely find someone who actually messages me sometimes out of the blue rather then the other way around. Alot of them just do not talk to me unless it's during Dnd or an RP. No one ever is free to RP anymore though. So my social circle is just a few people from 1 old rp and my dnd group.

The dnd people besides 3 do not speak to me outside of dnd. One of those people make me a bit uncomfortable but they are one of very few who ever message me first. So that is nice. I like that. I like feeling like people actually want to be near me. The other two are sweethearts. But swamped and always busy. So I do not hear from them alot. One asks if I am ok when they do not hear from me as much. I always make sure to tell them I am fine. Even if I am having a hard time because just having someone message me makes me feel better. I like to picture them just sitting next to me on a couch.

They vent to me alot. Then get a bit sad that I never vent to them. I try to explain venting does not really help unless I am activly in a spiral (like now). That most of the time when I am sad I just like talking to them. So they help me all the time. They just do not relise cause all it is is just giving me some time of day.

The old rp friends do not message me alot either now but that is ok. There were a long few years where we talked all the time and that is what matters to me. They still want me around and I know it. We still talk. Not often but the conversations are always actual conversations that are more then just them using me for an ear to vent to or comfort when we do. Atleast, it feels that way to me. They also message me first sometimes. Which is nice.

That brings the total of people who actually talk to me to... 5. But mostly just 2 frequently.

Some people will speak to me but only to vent. Some really heavy things to. It's been awhile since someone like that has walked into my life though. The people who did that have mostly all left without a trace.

I used to also have some people who would message me first. But they would insult me alot. They would also be super picky about how I spoke and wanted me to speak in very spacific ways. I spent alot of days apologizing for things that I either can not help like speaking a bit blandly or accidentally admitting I stutter sometimes. Cause otherwise they would spend hours using my weaknesses against me and calling me names. They used some very nasty and personal insults. Yet anytime I tried to leave they would follow. I would express it is my fault and I think this is unhealthy, but they would not leave me alone or accept that it was unhealthy. I guess I am easy to take anger out on. To submissive to get away. To easy to pressure into accepting fault and changing to what they wanted me to be. Alot of the way I talk is based around their nitpicks and avoiding their pet peeves.

It leads me to have this mindset that it is all my fault. I am trying so hard right now not to blame myself for everything here. That it is my fault no one talks to me because I am depressed and broken and need to be fixed. I can't be loved. That I don't talk. That I do not tell people things. It's my fault for not messaging them more. It's my fault for messaging them too much. I am too bold but too quiet to be wanted. I am an ahole for even considering 2-5 people the only ones who make me feel wanted. How dare I when people have way less then that. My feelings are not valid because I am sick and it's my fault and I am not allowed to feel these ways because I am not trying hard enough. Everyone else is normal and you just have too much expectations. It's all my fault for not knowing cues or how to be engaging enough to be worth someone's time. To be seeked out and wanted. Entitled prick for expecting more and wanting more of people. I should be happy with this. I should be happy with what I have.

Most of the time I am. I accept people do not want me and that they will leave without warning. I am not hurt anymore by people leaving me and not being my friend. I accept that most of the time I am there to just sit and listen cause that is what I am to people. Sometimes sitting is nice and well, they atleast thought of me. It's hard not to occasionally want more though. To feel something a bit more personal. I genuinely mean it when I say most of the time I do not care about this stuff. It's just how life and relationships are. I do not matter and that is ok. I am a spec of sand, and I should live and have fun inspite of it. Make my own games and stories to have company when I feel alone. Do not let it eat away at me. Thrive in it, love it, enjoy it. I have gotten very good at that.

I think for my last thoughts I kinda just want to say I feel ashamed that this is where I feel safest to say this all. Not to anyone because I- I do not feel safe telling this directly to any spacific person besides 1 maybe 2 at most. But they are always so busy and in so much stress all the time that I fear I would use them or make it worse. Lest they ever be in the position I have been in where I am used as nothing but an ear to vent to and insult. The last thing I want to be to one of the people who seek me out is a burden.

[pheosaysthings]

Sometimes I lay down all day and think about how much I have declined recently. With in the past two years I have changed so much. My mind has grown so foggy and my legs took a sharp decline in stability. I am still very much functioning. But I am not what I was when I first started at my work place. I am alot more lazy and zoned out most of the time. I also can't lift or do as much as I could without pain as before.

I stand there thinking about how much regret or disappointment the others must have now. Watching me decline. How they must think I am annoying or irresponsible now. My boss doesn't really care too much about his staff. He dose not exactly talk to us as far as I am aware and most of what he says are complaints. So imagine all he sees is me getting worse. Some lazy worker who got complacent and just stands all day. In the meantime my legs are in pain and I am actively trying not to fall over while carrying a box.

I know I am still doing ok. I am a good worker mostly. I know most recognize something is wrong. But they still crack jokes about 'oh it's just anxiety. Nothing is wrong'. While I know they are probably poking fun a doctor's it still gets to me sometimes. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I am ok and I am just looking for a problem. It's not but that doesn't mean my thoughts are something I can just suppress. They are still there even if I know they are wrong.

I just stand there looking at the dishes thinking about how they will fire me because I have been so fatigued recently to give my shirt a good wash. That it's my fault popcorn is banned from being eaten upstairs even though I always clean up after myself. That every time I am lazy or make a mistake it'll be over. That I am no longer worth it. They have people better then me now. I am obsolete and weak.

Then I think about how confident I can be sometimes and think I am a blind egotistical idiot. Because sometimes I will confidently say I am one of the better workers. I am not though. I am just one of the manager's buddies who is more competent at the moment then the people who just got hired.

My thoughts linger on that. That I am undeserving. That I should quit before I can get fired. So they can hire someone better. So that I can get a job better on my body so I am not wasting away at a place where they don't ban customers that consistently yell or insult teen staff.

Jumping back and forth between a blind confidence plus anger to unrealistic depression and back. I am too arrhogent an naive but too hard on myself as well.

I hate that how I feel is that my existence is only justified by how well I can function in the service of others. I know I deserve to be. But my mind won't let it go.

As a kid I used to think about how I was the one healthy one. How I was so good at functioning as a person. I was proud but it messed with me so much. I got low marks on English and I'd cry and cry because what good English speaking person can justify their ability to function if they can't speak English well. "I must be punished and wrong for my infraction. "

"I can't eat unless the others eat first because I must not be a burden. Oh no, their food intake is restricted. Meaning only they can have those foods. You must not eat any food in the house because it is their food. Not your food. We are low on money too. Meaning it's more important now then ever not to eat food. They take priority because their health dictates so"

Now my health was revealed to probably have been bad this whole time. That I was just not looked at. They just chalked up to me having depression without ever bringing me to get help or to a doctor about it until I was well into my teens while they had ages ago. That no I wasn't functioning. "I must suffer for not working and being a burden and not serving others and society"

It keeps coming back and back. I can't talk to many about it because everything is horrible. They are going through worse and I don't want to burden them more. Even if they allow me too, I never feel like I can justify accepting. Because then when they are in pain and need me. I have no energy to reply back anymore. Everything is so bad and my health has just been getting worse with it that I just I can't even think of words. I just sit there in a foggy painful thought that I can't even think for several minutes. Then worry that they hate me and that it be better if I stop existing because then they won't need to be disappointed that I can't be there for them anymore.

I know that's not it. I know they care regardless. I know if I just told them I can't that it be ok. I know if I talk to my managers they understand even if it's something so meaningless. I know my family tries. But the thoughts don't go away. Not do the ones telling my it's all in my head and I am crazy and deserve to be punished for being crazy and blind to the truth.

Either I am in pain and mad that I am not enough to fullfil my existence or Its all a lie, I am seeing things and nothing is real and I am too unstable and blind to fulfill my existence. Either way the result is that I am a burden and deserve punishment. People try to comfort me by saying it's ok, it's just your brain or I am sorry you are too depressed to see we love you. But it just makes me feel worse. It makes me feel even more isolated. "They are right, I do not see it. I deserve to suffer because of that. I am not worthy of love. It is not worth it any more. I require punishment. I should starve. Sacrifice my health to justify my existence make up for my sins towards them for not feeling the love for having a bad mind. For not being able to help myself or get out of depression. It's my fault for not taking meds. So I should suffer further."

Every day. I stand at the sink at work. Looking into soapy water. Fighting so hard Agienst the thoughts. Telling myself it's ok. It'll be different. You are doing good. They don't hate you. You deserve food. It's ok to not be ok. You are not ok and you are fine to live with that. You just need to do what you can, it won't be perfect, but it's better then giving up. Alternatively yelling in my head the feelings I have to drown out the thoughts. Scrubbing cheese of a tray as all I can think is STRESS. STRESS. STRESS. STRESS. I AM FEELING STRESS. Until I can't hear the rest anymore.

Then having to scoop popcorn as I check myself in the other direction. You make mistakes. You are not better. Admit you are wrong. Let yourself be mediocre. You failed, it's ok, just say it and don't pretend. Don't lead people astray because you got to cocky. But it's ok, just focus on being. It happens. You can't help it sometimes. Just slow down a bit.

Then telling myself it's ok to feel bad. I may have shelter, but that does not mean my feelings don't exist and are not valid.

I am ok. I am mostly happy right now. Soon I will be far away somewhere new. My mind will be forced to act professional. I'll have new friends who aren't only hanging out with me because my other friend is there or because they are hitting on me. All the food and stuff will be mine and I won't have to feel like I am indangering anyone by eating food. I can live how I want. I won't have to justify love to people. The only places I'll need to be good at is school and work. I think I can do work as long as I keep myself centered. Then school will be ok as long as I focus on getting through it but by bit.

If I am on residence I won't even have to worry about my legs. As long as I get some stuff to help me, I should be able to avoid getting worse really fast again.

[pheosaysthings]

A hand was outstretched; Weak, fragile, and . It held on to the sky as long as it could. Pale fingers whisking their was across the inky black like a fish carefully swimming through water. Slowly winding its way down a river of darkness, outlined by autumn trees. Moving past branches and falling leaves that blocked it's way. Going and going all the way up until the end where there was nothing left but the end of the river; earth, soil, and stone. The fish lingered in spot as it realized its journey had come to an end. Desperately wondering where to go next. Though the hand closed slowly at all that was left of the sky. Holding on for but only a moment. Dropping back to the side of the own who it belonged too. Resting on the ground below; cold, barren, and soft.

[pheosaysthings]

Sometimes I morn the loss of things I never had. I lay awake at night on my side staring into the void knowing I'll never feel ok. It hits me that my depression has always been here and always will be here. No treatment will mend it, no amount of running away or hiding will make it go away. It's genetic and strong. Built into my mind by my family before me and their family before them.

Nothing will make me ever feel present, will always feel like a strange husk and like I am here instead of someone who was supposed to exist. That this is just simply how my life will be. No medication will fix it, no amount of getting new friends or talking to old ones will fix it, no change of scenery, no therapy will help, not even venting and having people try to help does much but slow the darkest thoughts. I just have to take it as it is and live this life. I can do what I can to make it easier. But it will always follow me. I'll take it to my grave but for now I just need to live through it. Like it's some sickness that will never go away.

It will not stop me. Even if I do not feel like I am here, I am. So I must live on. I have no intention to harm myself or do anything dramatic. I am lucky in that regard. It's just me, so most of the time I only just feel numb and non-existent. Since I recognize this to be the kind of illness that it is to me, that it's just a chore or thing I need to work around and ignore the best I can, it makes it easier to ignore the darker thoughts. They are so constant.

I really just wish I could know what life was supposed to feel like. Though I guess knowing would only make me relise how much more I am missing out on the I am already aware of. This is part of me though. I was born like this and to have it go away, I do not know if I would be me anymore. I am not saying depression is who I am. However it shapes how I think and interact with the world. There are parts of my self that I am thankful for that I can only assume is due to it.

I am fine to live with it. I am not saddened by having to live with it. I am sad that I am missing out on love and passion. I morn the fact I do not live shows or morn the loss of people like they existed. I morn the fact I can not remember people's faces or see shapes and colours in my mind due to how sad I am. I morn the fact I can't speak my feelings without feeling disconnected to them. I morn the fact my memories do not feel like my own and fade with each passing day. I dislike that all I am is a front to act normal. Telling the same stories over and over I know people react to or retelling things others told me I did so it seems like I can remember things that are me. But they are not me. I do not know who the stranger that lives my life is or was. Even know I have no idea what I am talking about. Why am I saying any of this. These words do not feel like mine. I am not sad. I do not feel this. What do I look like, why is the person in the mirror make me feel so scared and wrong. Why is that the feelings I get, fear of myself.

[pheosaysthings]

I kinda wanted to get down the concept of an idea I had that I need to change around drastically. I wanted to record it as was first however so I know what to buold off of and what I liked and didn't. The writing isnt good, but thats ok cause this isnt about the writing.

Our family began in the forest. Born of the trees that once towered high above the forest floor. Though we were not where one expected. No, we were trapped below on the waters surface. Mearly a reflection in the calm waters of life. Bound to move and think the same as our human counterparts on the other side. Our world was small compared to theirs, but we did not relise that. We thought we were the ones with a life and could feel the wonders of the whole wide world and that those on the otherside were the ones locked to that of a reflection.

One day, one of us was born with an ambition none of us had had before. To connect to the other side. Her human seemed to have the same idea. Both working together to become powerful and brave mages in their versions of reality.

Magic was new to most of us. The few times we had ever witnessed it where how we were humans in our reflections and how we are born from the stumps of trees. Some might have considered the ripples magic. Though others considered it the same as any other weather event. So her bringing light out of nothing or teleporting from one puddle to another boggled the minds of many.

She eventually did the unthinkable. She called all the townsfolk into the main circled woods and placed herself under the paper trees. Hands on her hips and a look of pride across her face as she hopped onto a tree stump in the middle.

"Today, will be my last," she had yelled to us all as her human counterpart said something in a strange langauge on the otherside.

Her family and I watched her with worry on our faces while the rest seemd to emote with concern, intrigue, or annoyance at her. Though she moved on dispite out reactions.

She took a deep breath and swung her arms into the air. "Today I go beyond the reflection and leave a new life within my wake. Today, I must leave you all to explore my dreams. I wanted you all here to say good bye." Her expression was slanted and melancholy as no one reacted. I could only guess this was her attempt to see if anyone would care if she was gone.

Hearing that... seeing her, I felt a slight tinge of guilt. I always admired her as a person as I watched her grow up. She was always active in our classes and ambitious in her research. Though I had never built up the courage to talk to her. Her confidence scared me. I could never figure out why. Maybe if I had talked to her more she wouldn't have felt that way. It was no matter now however, the past was done and all we could do was watch her go about showing off her greatest works or greatest embarrassment.

She cut her speech short among the quiet and began to whisper. Putting her hands loosely together in the air before sliding one down the other. I had not expected the spell to be a dance, but she began to drag her feet across the ground and started to spin as she folded up her arms. With a step forward she extended one out to the crowd as she continues to dance. Light forlong around her feet and body with each and every move.

To this day, I couldnt figure out what came over me but staring right at her open hand pointed right at me filled with horrible dread and fear. Not of what was happening, but of not being up there with her. It grew deeper and deeper the more she was consumed by the glow and the fainter she became. I struggled to breath as my chest pounded with anxity.

Eventully during her dance her hand reached out in my direction once more and I snapped. Before I could even process what I was doing, I was already jumping onto the stump and grabbing her hand. I did my best to pull myself towards her. The world around me faded into the light of her spell. There was nothing anymore but the feeling of her hand in mine. I held it tight not wanting to let her go.

Soon my eyes adjusted and she came into view looking furious at me. I was promptly slapped across thr face as we stood on the tree stump. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT. YOU RUINED MY SPELL. I ONLY HAD ONE CHANCE TO DO IT! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THIS MEANT TO ME?" she yelled loudly as I stood there lost and shaking. I tried to quiver out a responce but my throat wouldnt open.

My reply did not matter however as someone from the audiance yelled something I couldnt quite catch. We both looked to the crowed to see who yelled. Maybe Id have a better chance of understanding what they said if I looked their way. Somedays, I wish I didnt.

According to her, I immediately fainted and she had to scoop me up into her arms as she looked upon a crowd of humans with eyes wider then a fish. She had succeeded on her one way trip and I had gone with her.

[pheosaysthings]

Rest

He laid his head down on the pillow below. Cold, tired, lethargic, and doused in sorrow. Curled up on the empty bed alone in a ball. No warmth from the presence of another or a blanket to hold him tight. Accompanied by nothing but the pain of the salt from his tears irritating the flesh under its path. His skin crawled. It felt like the layers below the surface were shifting or as if he was wearing a sweater too tight for how he had grown over the years. He had grown tired of the endless hum and discomfort he felt from it. To the point that some days he wished he could remove his skin or legs to avoid the painful feeling of restlessness. He never would, but the want never went away. Then there was the feeling of tightness in his throat. It started in the mouth and traveled down into his stomach. Another endless hum he couldn't rid of. No amount of water or food satisfied the empty feeling. It made him feel sick and weak. It made for an endless craving for something but made it harder to stomach any of the food. This was all without mentioning the blur that was his mind. His thoughts felt unclear and filled with static. His memories were faded and foggy. His feelings felt heavy and weighed hard on his mind in a way a headache would. He never felt together or present. He was hurting but didn't have the mind anymore to vocalize it. The worst part of it all was it never went away. Even sitting across the room from those he claims to be his friends didn't feel real. They felt like strangers he only thinks he knows. He had a hard time recognizing their faces or recalling anything about them despite spending most of his waking moments by their side. The same applied to his family and his own reflections. Who were these people? Why does everything feel quiet and static? Why does no one feel or look alive? Who is he? Why won't the humming go away? He just wanted to feel real. Not even the crying felt like much. Internally, he still felt calm and as if nothing was happening. Like he wasn't there curled up on a bed sobbing. Why couldn't he connect to this? Why is he not himself? Where is he and who is he if he is not present? Whose body was this? It did not matter. Sleep had no care for the woes of the wakeful. Sometimes the wakeful would slip in, sometimes sleep came with advice. However today, It was simply all that it needed to be. A silent calm. Freedom from the buzzing and lacking of all the pains from before. A temptress it was. He knew better though. He knew it was dangerous. He knew that losing yourself to sleep would not help, that it wished not for what you needed or what was best for you. So as the time came he would wake up, wake up back to the humming and endless feeling of restless movement. He sat up on his bed with a sigh. He wiped his sore and puffy eyes with a yawn. As he went to leave his room to ready for the day he looked into the mirror. A feeling of loss washed over him, but he didn't frown he smiled. "Maybe I didn't find you today, Maybe I won't find you tomorrow. But even if I can't see it, I know I am here. I would not know what to even seek that something was missing or wrong if I was not." he told himself. "One day, I will feel whole and if I don't that is ok. It is ok because I will have been. I will have tried. I will have done my best to live as comfortably and as happily as I could. That is all I can ask of anyone, it is all I can ask of myself" He continued. He was not going to lie to himself and say the pain would end. However, the little bit of comfort that came from knowing he existed and that something saw him and was trying hard for him helped get him through his days. But maybe, one day, he will do more than just be. He will be free of this pain and find somewhere where he exists as himself and those around him will see him as him as well.