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Still Here

I can't wait to add this miserable pregnancy nightmare in more detail. But yes, I am still pregnant, and yes I'm still sick. I have the flu. How I feel is what nightmares are made of. Hold on, let me grab a tums, I feel like I'm a dragon and I could breathe fire at any second. Ok, hope that can help a little. I always have heartburn but sometimes I feel as though I literally am burning alive from the inside. So here I am almost 41 weeks according to original due date. Or almost 40 with new one. I have a jaw infection from the teeth issues due to excessive vomiting. I can't take care of them since I need to be sedated to go to dentist. Extreme phobia. The infection has reached my jaw, it hurts but it could hurt worse I have to admit. Now with the flu I feel like I won a trip to a whole new level of hell. If I don't sit in hot bath I can't open my eyes, I can't breathe, and I literally can't eat or drink. My eyes are swollen shut. I tried to cry but the dehydration made my ducts burn on a new level. I'm 4cm dilated, almost fully effaced. I have had 2 membrane sweeps, bloody show last Fri, Sat, and Sun. I lost plug for weeks, and I had a failed induction Thurs. I will get started on that shit storm. I keep wondering what I did in a past life to deserve this. Or even this life?

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My mundane existence

I hate my life and I feel as though I am on other people's path. Everyone wants and says I should be sober. I been sober for 1 1/2 years now and my life has never been more mundane, mindnumbing, and pointless. I had motivation before. I had a good job, almost my 2nd degree, a house, everything. Once I got sober I lost that everything. Now I live with someone with no job, nothing going on, and a degree I can't stand to finish. I literally wake up to exist. I use my tax return to pay my bills but it's running out. Frankly, I wouldn't mind sitting on side of road in the same clothes.... nothing matters because there is no point to life. I'm not happy so why live? Why live to breathe and consume. Going through each day to destroy the Earth along with everyone else. Everyone tells me to go to doctor and get on pills aka "drugs". Suddenly it's ok through a doctor.... right.... Why is it every time I have this conversation with people they shut down. They don't want to hear what I have to say. I know it goes against the norm what I am saying but why can't there be the exception. I self medicated so wouldn't it make sense that some people actually would do better doing this. A doctor gives so many people medications, and they help. So why is it so crazy for someone to be able to help themselves with a proper dose. I keep getting told to wait and it will get better. Sobriety that is. I just don't understand why I am wasting so much time waiting? Wasn't that the point of getting sober, not wasting my time away? My life? But I've never felt more of a waste than I do now.

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Today Someone Tells Me

Someone I hadn't seen for a month see's me today and tells me how much better I look. I realize at even 20 weeks I looked so bad. Not as bad as I did but still pretty bad. She says that she was actually scared for me. I look back on how awful I felt and wonder why I felt so bad? I mean the doctors said I had low potassium a few times. And finally got a blood test to let me know I'm anemic... I was with my first, but I seriously felt like I was dying. I don't know how I made it. I am so worried about delivering my baby with the awful care I received. But they do that every day. That is something the doctors should know right? But how can you put trust of something so important in people who never took you serious? The depression and isolation of HG Is still lingering. I was so far down a hole that even half way up I'm still in the hole. I'm lonely as hell. All day I sit alone. No one to talk to. I'm a lonely, friendless, miserable person. Ugh

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It's a.........!!

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It's wrong of me.

I know it's so wrong of me but I'm still very afraid of getting too big. I know I don't have to worry about that right now but as soon as I get an appetite it's all over. It happened with my first and this time I'm on better medications so it will probably happen sooner. I just don't want to get too big. I am so hungry right now but everything seems gross, just typing that right now I got a lump in my throat. I only want mashed potatoes. Home made mashed potatoes only.

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Coloring my 5 strands of hair that I have left!

I’m such a bitch I know. I admit, I admit it! Hypocrite! I didn’t dye my hair at all with my first it was black and my roots grew in and you couldn’t tell, but this time I’m a fuckin mess!

So I tell woman dying your hair gets chemicals to your baby, and it does! So don’t do it if possible, but if you have to definitely don’t bleach. Bleach is bad for an adult I mean it burns my throat and eyes, can't be good for baby right? So since I can’t bleach I have no choice but to go darker. I will not have the dye touch my scalp if I can. I really don’t like purple but since I always have pink, I can’t go blue without bleaching and blue on pink makes purple. So I’m stuck with that awful color. Ugh. Your welcome for that color lessson. 😊👍🏻

I am hoping I can dye my purple and pink hair, a dark purple, and let it blend with my insane roots. Then when baby is born do what I want. Which is maroon I think, I don't even know at this point. I have 5 years to worry about that considering my due date seems to keep being pushed back. According to doctors I will be pregnant for-damn-ever. Whatever...can’t think about that now. The purple side has faded to green and the pink side faded to orange. I look like I’m mentally retarded. No one would purposely have orange, pink, green, and purple hair, and if you do or are planning on it I take pity on your soul... and eyes.

So will post pictures once I am done with this mess I call hair. (The tiny bit I have left.)

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So today I was really stupid. I hadn’t vomited in like a few days. So I was like I don’t have to take my meds anymore. I hate putting anything into my baby. It’s bad enough already. So that was huge mistake. I vomited about 8x by noon. I dehydrated myself and now I’m weak again. Like that flipping quick!! Ughhh! 😫

So I switch doctors offices, and I just realized I forgot to sign release. Lol! Pregnancy brain is really kicking my ass. Any who, so they still haven’t gotten any blood yet and they think it’s because I’m so dehydrated but dehydration or not you can’t do it! I’ll let them do it again and then I guess I will switch doctors until I find someone that will do my damn blood tests. I have gone in right after getting IV hydration and they could not get blood.

So he checked me out and everything seems good. He upped my medications because I was throwing up in the exam. Christ. I just can’t escape this crap. And I see all these people look so damn good during HG they talk about how skinny they are, and how horrible they feel and I’m not downplaying anyone else, BUT WHY DO I LOOK LIKE A WALKING CORPSE?!!? Maybe I just always look like shit so now it really shows. I actually took a picture today and realize my arms are like even more stickley than ever and my pre pregnancy pants are falling off. The only thing happening is my lack of a waist.

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17 Weeks and...

I finally got a bump! Wait. Now that I look down I realize it’s not quite a bump at all. I am not a B shape. I am a P with an itty bitty ~ yay for me. Ugh. I don’t want to be cute and round for only 2 months again! I hear all these woman talk about people rubbing their bellies and getting upset about it. Well, I don’t think they would be so upset if no one even noticed they were pregnant… I’m trying my hardest to stick mine out so people even see it and they still don’t…. Someone that hasn’t seen me in awhile said, “Wow, you don’t look pregnant at all. I thought you would by now.” 😑

You can see the baby kicking through my stomach and feel it but where and what is doing it I wonder?!?! Did I have just open space in there for a growing uterus to shape into?? So unfair!! Why does every aspect of this pregnancy have to be this way for me? 😩

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Homeless no home care

I guess I’m stubborn and I’m thinking if i lose over 12 pounds then I’ll opt for home care. I have been way thinner than I am now. I have been 95 pounds, right now I’m 120. I’m 5’ 10, and I am always underweight, I’m stubborn right now. I don’t want to eat or drink and I feel sick but I’m going to force myself. My arms, face, and legs have gotten thinner but my stomach and boobs get bigger everyday. That’s what matters right?

I live on someone’s couch, they already think I’m a lazy piece of shit. So adding home care to their home will be probably impossible unless I’m in a coma dying and it’s my last resort. Well, everyone said it would get better at 12 weeks, 14 weeks, 16 weeks, now I'm counting down to 20 weeks!!!! When?!? Now I'm hearing HG can ease up at 24 weeks. I had it with my first until 32 weeks. And then I still vomited after that but rarely.

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My Hyperemesis Gravidarum fun! PicTure 1: This was the final attempt. Success! Picture 2: my new best friend. Picture 3: The many failed attempts even with ultrasound machine. This was after cleaning up, my blood was pouring out of me like the floor was made of crack rocks. Got on my blanket, my railing, my gown, up my arm. We made the joke, well that proves that there is blood in there! Because besides the fact I’m talking, and breathing there would be so sign blood flowed through me. Oh and do you like my lovely tattoo? Since I just spent a ton of times in the hospital almost dying in March, I couldn’t wait to come back, but that’s another story.

I’ve always been a damn pin cushion, but these pins are more like knitting needles. I still can’t straighten my left arm.

I cursed myself, and I have 1 rule that I tell everyone. Do not say anything about me looking or feeling better. Then I thought it and I thought it for 2 whole days after getting out of hospital. And oh how I paid for it dearly the last 4 days….🙊

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I can't take it anymore

I can’t take this shit anymore. I just can’t. I’m sick of addiction counselors acting like if you don’t hate your addiction something is wrong with you. Yeah, I hated the consumption. I hated the always having to have something to function, but I LOVED the feeling. How would I get addicted to something that didn’t feel good???? You would have done it once and been done with it. It makes me laugh that I’m required to sit for 10 minutes and be told I’m never going to be happy thinking the way I do. I am never going to be happy. That is true, but I can be ok. Once you felt the greatest feeling in the world and are told you can never feel it again, you just have to be ok with it. If you are told you can’t have children are you happy about it? Or do you accept it and move on to other options?

I don’t understand why I should have to settle for less than mediocre feelings? I aim high, and by high I don’t mean drugs. High as in wherever my path takes me. Why settle and pretend something makes me feel as good as I would like? That is why 93% of addicts go back, because they push a false reality. No thanks.

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Doctor called me back

I ended up breaking down in tears on the phone. I’m embarrassed. I just called because they haven’t been able to get my blood yet. They tried about 6 times and I guess they want different tests than what the hospital has got. The hospital is the only place that can get my blood. They get it without an ultrasound but if I get an IV it’s always with an ultrasound because my veins are teeny. Plus, now I’m dehydrated so there’s no way to get one.

I told her I’m weak and I’m sick of it. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t do 5 ½ more months of lying on this couch. I am practically homeless and the person I’m living with doesn’t understand and calls me lazy. They expect me to help around the house while they are at work. And I try, I try so much but it is not good enough. I don’t understand why people think I choose this. I can’t stand TV, I watch very few movies (rarely at the theater because I feel trapped). I am a rave dance for hours, concerts, yoga/gym, cruise in my car, take my kid to chuck e cheese, dye my hair crazy colors, go, go, go kind of person. WHY WOULD I EVER CHOOSE TO LIE ON A COUCH, while my car gets repossessed, all my bills lapse, and I don’t shower for a week at time. Let me throw my fuckin life away by choice. God I finally got the excuse to be homeless, broke, jobless, drop out of college when I’m almost done that I needed!!

It’s like seriously???? This is not a choice!

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The severity of my depression

How I feel today.... The only way I won't kill myself is if I write. I'm a stump of a human being. My arms and legs ripped from their sockets. The popping of my bones, and ripping of my flesh echo's through my head. My eyes are closed and this is my minds image of the sadness that has consumed me. Stereotypical murky skies above me, full of a blanket of gray clouds and an orange tint of where the sun is setting in the distance. It is always setting. I try to grab for it, to beg it to stay. But the arms that once would have reached, no longer exist. The dead trees surround me but my practically lifeless wriggling body lies in a clearing in the center. I am pustule of a worm, more grotesque than anything with a name. Life leaves my body as the robotic ringing of people's voices jump through my head. It makes me sicker to my stomach than I already am. The blood pouring from my wounds of stringy flesh is my only relief. The skies bellow with the harsh words that no one ever wants to hear. "There is no escape." I will die here and that's ok. It is an alleviation of the pain I constantly felt. I've lost my battle, I have given in to solemnity of this world and I am on to the next. Good bye.

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Another Complaint

I am about to fall asleep, since sleeping, puking, and complaining is what I do best these days. You can always find me doing at least 1 of the 3 at all times. I’m starving, but so disgusted with everything. My mouth is dry and my throat is sandpaper, I’m actually having chest pains. Probably from the anemia, it can’t be the anxiety, no not at all.

The world passes me by, in a haze, and frankly not fast enough. When I think of the events I’m missing I realize the time that has passed. When I look how far along I am and how much farther I have to go in this pregnancy, I look for the closest wall to run my head into. That doesn’t work, unfortunately… It just brings the 3 day migraine back like it never left.

At this point I wish I had some human interaction. Even if it was the Internet and it was a few words. God, I would even appreciate someone trolling me right now. I tried to search my blog on Google to no avail, but even Tumblr thinks it’s too worthless to show on their site. I must be really bad, because Harry Styles fan fiction trumped me by the thousands. I mean are they still a band? Ya know, the band The Styles or whatever. Kidding! Now I must prepare for death threats from directioners. God, I hope. 😩

I deleted all social media, besides Tumblr, because I couldn’t stand to see people leading their happy fuckin lives. I was jealous, and I realize it put me into severe depression so why trigger myself? Maybe I deserve isolation. It’s my bad choices that have put me here, so now I must suffer.

God damn, I’m not this much of a poor me or a depressed pile of sludge. These hormones are kicking my ass to the point I can’t even tell what’s hormones and what’s real anymore. I’m in the Matrix, no one knows what it really is? I figured it out, it’s called pregnancy. Where’s the pill that makes it 40 weeks already…. So I apologize to anyone that somehow accidentally stumbles on this blog. It really is pathetic. Morpheus, where for art thou Morpheus.

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Sooo I'm only willing to admit this once...

I’m torn! 😫 Ok. So. I don’t even know how to start it…. I can do this. Promise you won’t quote me. Crap, it’s literally on a blog on the Internet, forever, or at least a long time. *Deep Breath* I think I should grow up, sorry horrible typo, tone down. Tone down.

I have a giant septum ring, nostril post, and snakebites with rings in them, half pink and purple hair with a shitty attitude (I’ll admit it). The tattoo’s are permanent so I don’t really care about those, but the combination scares the other moms! That’s my issue here! I’m all about being “yourself”, and my body is my canvas, but the other moms see me and don’t want their kids playing with mine. When I tell them I’m pregnant they look at me like I’m safe temporarily but I see the concern in their eyes. I’m sure me being socially awkward in situations where I care what the other person thinks, which is not something I’m accustomed to, doesn’t help. But when your kid picks a friend, you can’t keep saying sorry Hun, that kids mom, and that kids mom, and that kid, they don’t like me. So pick a new friend. Doesn’t work like that!! Ahhh!

When you go to your daughters school and the other kids stare at you maybe you’re extreme? So I put a tiny septum ring in, a dot of a nostril, and two tiny dots for my snakebites. You can’t even see them!!! I won’t dye my hair while pregnant, and this wig I bought looks ridiculous. So I’m pretty stuck on that point. I mean I’m an almost 25, *cough* bullshit, OK almost 30 year old mom!! Man you guys are good. 😭 There’s no one there. I’m losing it being stuck on this couch.

Is it time? Or am I over reacting?

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My bump… In case you or anyone, anyone at all, was wondering. 🤓 Notice Freddie Krueger’s face from the last pregnancy. Would it be too much to ask to have a burned face Freddie emoji?! Come on Apple! We can have a hockey mask one too! 🏒I love the anemic inducing chalk color that has been added to my skin. 😐

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Here is Me today

My bump isn’t a bump I look like I either have to poop (well, yeah) or I ate too much… Here’s why I hate having no damn bump!

I am at a family celebration party thing and I know probably a total of 2 people there. I’m at the kitchen bar that’s covered in food, with a plate full of chips slathered in dip and hot dogs hanging out of my mouth. I don’t feel like eating most of the time but I’m so starved that once I taste food, a food I don’t hurl at the sight of, its all over. I’m at this counter smashing food into my mouth and I feel guilty because I’m a plus one at this get-together. I’m apologizing as I’m chowing down, and this guy says, “Don’t be sorry, you're like this big!” As he holds up his pinkie finger. I usually eat like a bird so I’m very embarrassed. So with my mouth full I say, “I’m pregnant…” As I smile with pieces of sausage in my teeth very sexy like. 😁 His eyes go wide in shock, I don’t think so, you need to check that baby! I’m like Ha, ha, ha…fucking HA….

Don’t worry I payed for downing that food like it was my last meal. And by pay I don’t mean I left a tip. Ughhh… Gross. I REGRET NOTHING!

It’s my daughter all over again. I remember telling people I was pregnant and they were twice my size telling me how it’s been a magical 4 months. I’m like I’m a miserable 6 ½… I cringe. Here it comes. As they start scrambling over my belly. Is the baby alive?? Are you ok?? Have you been checked??? 😩 Of course… Don’t worry I blew up like a balloon at 8 months. A BALLOON. I mean I lost 12 pounds and then gained 20 so I was told I would have small baby, but she was 7.7! And it was alllllll belly. So there!